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CHAPTER 1

My alarm was blaring. I wanted to grab it and toss it through my bedroom window. Instead, I just pressed the snooze button and pulled the covers over my head. Soon after, my mom came in and pulled them off of me.

"Time to get up sweetie."

"Ugh," I groaned.

I was never a morning person, especially not this day. It was moving day. We were leaving our San Francisco home that I had lived in my whole life. Our new destination: Portland, Oregon. I had never been and wasn't looking forward to going now. I had fought the move for months before finally realizing that my opinion wasn't a factor in my parents' decision. We had been in the process of moving for weeks. Most of our furniture was in Portland already so I knew there was no turning back.

"Today's the day!" She sounded much more excited than I was.

"Don't remind me," I said as I sluggishly slid out of bed.

Her big green eyes looked disappointed. "Don't be that way, Clay. You know this move is what we need right now."

I hated it when she used the word "we" like I really had a say in anything. Dad had just lost his job in San Francisco and Portland would be a "smart" move for the family. I didn't want to leave though. It was the middle of my senior year and all my friends were in San Francisco. Sometimes I felt like my parents didn't even consider what was best for me.

"I heard it rains a lot there," I said in another attempt to convince Mom that this move was a bad idea.

"You'll get used to it," replied Mom, "Now get dressed and come help with boxes."

Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to do, help move boxes when my world was slowly falling apart beneath me. My parents did not understand me at all.

I went into my bathroom and stared at myself for a while. My strawberry blonde hair was untamed and my eyes were red around my blue irides. I undressed for a shower and stared at myself in the mirror again. I glanced at my pale and skinny body, but looked away in disappointment. I showered quickly and headed downstairs after putting on some crappy jeans and a v-neck t-shirt. I looked a mess but I didn't care. I wasn't in an attractive mood. There were so many boxes in our living room I could barely find my way around. The moving truck was already parked out in front of the house, waiting to haul all of our stuff away.

Another reason that I regreted leaving was Tony. Tony and I met in 9th grade through some mutual friends. It was right around the time when I was discovering my sexuality. I was extremely confused and I guess you could say that Tony helped me realize what I wanted. The first thing that caught my attention about Tony was his gorgeous smile and big green eyes. He was a definite charmer, and girls were crazy about him, but he never even looked twice at them. When we first got together, I felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. We had been off-and-on ever since. The last few months we hadn't been as close as before though. I refused to accept the fact that we were growing apart, even though that is obviously what was happening. Even though our relationship wasn't as strong as it had been, I didn't want to end it by moving to another city.

I hadn't even said all of my goodbyes yet. I asked Mom could I go see some friends before we left. She agreed to let me borrow her car, which was the least she could do after totally ruining my life!

I bolted out of the house, hopped into the car, and headed towards Lauren's house. Lauren was my absolute bestfriend, and had been since we were kids. She was there through every awkward stage, breakup, and emotional breakdown that I ever had. I was there for her just as much. I even held her hair back when she puked her guts out at Brittany Talewood's sweet 16. Good times.

I pulled up to Lauren's house not knowing what to expect. I predicted lots of hugging and tears. After all, it was the first time we were ever going to be away from each other for more than a week or so. I took a deep breath and got out of the car. Before I could even ring the doorbell, Lauren ran out and tackled me.

"Hello to you too," I laughed.

"Don't leave me!" She yelled out in almost desperation.

"Aw. This sucks for me just as much as it does for you." I replied.

"Then just stay! You can live with me!"

That didn't sound bad at all, but I knew that it wouldn't work no matter how much I tried to convince my parents that San Francisco was better for me.

"I wish." I said with a sigh.

I stayed and talked to Lauren and reminised about everything from school to boys, from concerts to movies. We had talked for over an hour before I realized how much time had passed. Finally, I had to tell Lauren goodbye, at least for now.

"Is this it?" She asked as tears started to swell in her eyes.

"Of course not!" I assured her, "We'll talk on the phone and text every day."

I'm guessing that appeased her for now because she didn't say anything else. She just wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tighter than she ever had before. After our long embrace, I headed to my car to go see some other friends.

"I love you, Clay!"

"I love you too, Lauren!" I yelled as I pulled off.

I left Lauren's place and headed to a few other good friends that I thought I should say goodbye to, none of them as important as Lauren of course. I saved Tony for last. After leaving the others' houses I headed over to Tony's. It would be hard to tell him I was leaving. I wondered if he wanted to stay together even though we were going to be far apart. Either way, I was looking forward to our long teary goodbye.

Tony's car wasn't outside when I pulled up. I had called him to let him know I was coming over though. I went to knock on the door, but no answer. I could feel myself getting upset. I'm not sure if I was feeling sadness or anger, but I didn't like it. I called Tony's cell and no answer.

"Asshole." I said softly

I got back into my car and sat for a while, hoping maybe he had just went out for a little while and would come back soon, but no luck. Eventually, I decided to just leave and go back home. I really wanted to see him before I left but if he wasn't going to make the effort then why should I?

Apparently my mom hadn't expected me to be gone for so long because when I got home she jumped on my case.

"Where have you been? We need to be leaving soon and you haven't even finished packing your room"

"I was saying my goodbyes. Get off of my back Mom."

"Well you need to get it done."

"I know! You can stop telling me about it!" I wasn't trying to yell, it just came out that way. She was just all on my case. Or maybe it was because I was upset about the move. I was also pretty upset about Tony's thoughtlessness. Maybe my anger was a result of all of the above. Either way, I didn't feel like dealing with all of the crap. I ran up to my room and dove onto my bed. I wanted to cry, but I refused to. No matter how much I felt like my life as I knew it was over, I didn't want to let it get to me. Instead, I just got some boxes and finished packing my stuff.

I kept finding things that I had forgotten I even had. It seemed like everything I picked up reminded me of how much I loved San Francisco. I felt tears start to swell in my eyes, but I wiped them before I could start crying. Just then, my phone rang. It was Tony, almost an hour after I had been to his house and called him. I hesitated to answer but I gave in like I always do.

Me: Hello

Tony: Hey babe. You called?

Me: Um yes! I wanted to see you before I left

Tony: Oh. Well I'm not at home.

Me: Yeah, I kinda noticed that when I came to your house.

Tony: Something came up.

Me: Mmhm, yeah, right. If you don't care then I don't either, Tony.

Tony: I do care.

Me: Well come to see me

Tony: Umm, I can't do that now. Maybe later?

Me: Don't bother, Tony

Tony: But I...

*CLICK*

I hung up the phone before I sat through anymore of his bull. Tony was always like that, making up lame excuses for why he couldn't see me, or at least call me. I waited for him to call back, but he didn't. That was the last straw for me. I was done! I was tired of him simply disregarding my feelings. I was no longer sad about leaving him. Now I just wanted to be done with him for good. Now I thought this move would be good for me, so I could get away from him and stay away.

I finished packing and labeling my boxes while the movers hauled out my bed and dresser. I headed downstairs with the last of my things and packed them in the truck.

"Are you okay?" asked Mom, stroking my hair.

"Yeah, i'll be fine. Let's just get out of here."

She seemed surprised by my sudden change of heart but she didn't question it. She just smiled and kissed me on the head.

"Ew," I laughed.

"Shut up and go get in the truck," said Mom as she lightly hit me on the shoulder.

I made my way to the truck and my 6-year-old brat of a sister, Amanda, followed. Dad was already there. He had just hooked up the car to the moving truck and Mom made sure we had everything and that everything was all locked up. When she got into the truck we were all set to go. I looked out through the window and watched as we left my childhood home behind. The memories started flooding back. The day I lost my first tooth in my cereal. The stairs where I had my first kiss (with Caitlyn Clark in the second grade). Getting caught jacking off and convincing my mom that I was scratching a rash down there. The dent in the garage door from where I ran into it when I was learning to drive. The day I almost lost it to Tony (dodged a bullet there).

I waved goodbye to every house and tree on the block as we slowly drove further and further away from everything that I had ever known.

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