Chapter 63: sixty-two

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I woke up to the insisting ringing of my alarm clock and I quickly turned around to turn it off, the warm pressure of a body against mine reminding me of Harry's presence in my bed.

The sound must'd woken him up as well, or maybe it was my quick movement, because a couple of seconds after I felt him shift to lie on his back as he rubbed one of his eyes with his index before opening them and glance at the ceiling, his view unfocused as he blinked a few times trying to get used to the different light that was peeking through the curtain. He sighed and turned his head to look at me just then, a frown forming on his face when the daze of the sleep faded away, leaving him with the remembrance of the events of the day before. "What time is it?" He asked, his voice low and slightly shaky because it hadn't be used in some hours.

I resisted the urge to look away when his gaze met mine, and it only took me a quick glance to the dark, almost black circles under his tired green eyes to decide that we shouldn't have gone to class that day. "You can go back to sleep" I told him quietly, and he didn't need to be told twice, because he put his head on the pillow again and turned around, his back to me.

I carefully got off the bed, knowing that if I'd jostled him too much he surely would've woken up for good, and I gave him a quick glance, making sure he wasn't looking, before crossing the room and opening the first drawer of the dresser next to the couch, taking out a pair of underwear and something to change into. I exited the room, deciding not to lock the door, hoping that my mum would've had enough common sense not to enter the room while I wasn't in there.

I went into the bathroom and had a quick shower, getting out and wrapping a towel around my body when I was done. I dried myself up and got dressed before drying my hair with the hairdryer, not wanting to leave it to air-dry because it always ended up messy when I did. I exited the bathroom just as quickly and went back into my bedroom to check on Harry.

He was almost completely hiding under the duvet, curled up on the side of the bed, the soft sound of his rhythmic breathing being the only thing breaking the silence of the room. I walked to my window and closed the curtain better, making the little sliver of light that had managed to come in disappear.

I got out again and I went downstairs, finding my mother in the kitchen. I quietly greeted her while I went to make myself a cup of tea, hoping that would've been it, but realising it wouldn't have been that easy when she turned around after unplugging her phone from the charger.

"He stayed here the whole night, didn't he?" She asked, and I froze.

I turned around slowly, not being able to do anything but nod as I waited for her to say something about it.

"I'm not about to kill you, Sierra. You're eighteen, you're allowed to have a boy in your room" she commented as if it wasn't a big deal, shocking me even further. I would've expected her not to be that pleased about it, but apparently that wasn't it. "Your father would've freaked, but I'm not like him. I've been your age too and I perfectly know that telling you not to do something will make doing it even more thrilling."

I nodded again, knowing how right she was, but that not doing much to ease my confusion.

She grabbed her black coat from the chair, putting it on. "That being said, I'd like to know when there's someone else under my roof the next time."

"Sure" I said, and she nodded, saying goodbye and leaving through the front door, leaving me alone in the house with Harry.

I turned around and got a hold of my cup of tea before starting to slowly walk upstairs, careful not to spill any of it on the floor. I reached my studio and I turned down the handle, smiling to myself when I realised that, as I'd hoped, the door was already open. I crossed the room and I attentively put the cup of tea down on the desk, before turning around and walking out.

When I entered my bedroom Harry was still asleep, his position unchanged. I tiptoed to the desk and took the drawing of Liam I'd worked on the day before, taking it before exiting the room just as silently as I'd come in, leaving the door ajar on my way out.

I went back into the studio and left the door wide open, not wanting Harry to think I'd left him alone for some reason, and walked to the desk in that room, opening one of the windows and turning on the light on the table, putting it in the right position as I sat down on the chair and took the drawing out of the folder, ready to continue it. I had barely a day to finish it and send it in, and I was nowhere close to being finished. I'd never worked that close to a deadline before, and it stressed me out way more than it should've.

I glanced at the earphones on the desk next to the pencils, but I decided not to use them, remembering what had happened the day before. If Harry happened to panic again in the same way, I was sure I would've preferred to know before he slammed into something, risking to hurt himself and eventually break things.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get my nervousness under control, before starting to shade the sketch.

I'd been drawing for a while when I heard a sound coming from behind me, turning around and discovering, to my surprise, that Harry was leaning against the door of the studio wearing only his black boxers and the plain white long sleeved shirt that he was wearing under his sweater the day before, a slightly confused look in his eyes that made it clear that he'd just woken up.

"Hi" I said faintly, not really knowing how to approach him in that moment. Was I supposed to mention what had happened the day, and night, before, or was I supposed to pretend nothing had taken place at all? I didn't want to upset him by bringing it up, but I also didn't want to upset him by not bringing it up and making him think that I was annoyed by it.

He saved me from having to make that decision though, because he detached his shoulder from the side of the door and walked through the room, sitting down on the white armchair that was next to my desk, a nonchalant look in his green irises. "Hey" he said, no particular emotion being held in his voice, acting as if nothing had changed after the day before.

I furrowed by eyebrows at his behaviour. I didn't know what I expected him to do, but at the same time I'd thought that at most he would've simply not brought it up, leaving it to loom over us like a dark cloud as he often did with things. I would've never thought he would've acted like the day before had never taken place. I wondered how often he had had similar breakdowns in the past, and then acted like nothing had happened with me and everybody else. "How are you?" I asked him, dropping the question casually even though we both knew it wasn't casual at all, not openly looking at him, not wanting him to feel judged or observed, but side-glancing at him as I slowly put the pencil I was using down.

He shrugged, seeming to want to pretend that that question had been asked randomly just as much as I did. "I'm fine" he said, his answer definitely not surprising me that time.

I hummed, pretending to believe his reply just like he wanted me to. "Are you sure?" I asked, picking up a paper tissue to blend a spot on the side of the drawing, wanting to make sure that he actually didn't want to talk about it and that he wasn't just being himself instead.

"Yeah" he replied, and at that I knew there wasn't much more I could've done.

For a few minutes we both went completely silent and I went back to my drawing, cleaning it on the side with an eraser, giving it a suspicious look from above to see what was missing. I picked up the pencil again and shaded the final part, blending it all with the piece of paper again.

"Sierra?" Harry said all of sudden, his voice catching me by surprise to the point that the tip of the pencil slipped on the paper, drawing a line on the side of the sheet.

I picked up the eraser and cleaned the side of the drawing again, just momentarily forgetting that Harry was talking to me. "Yeah?" I asked him quickly as soon as I realised it.

A little silence followed my reply. "Do you think I could stay here for a couple of days?" Harry asked quietly, a newfound hesitance in his voice. "I don't know who else to ask" he added quickly, as if he was trying to come up with a valuable excuse.

I looked up in surprise. I would've never thought he would've asked something like that, but it kind of made sense, considering everything that had happened. It made sense for him not to want to go back into that house so soon, and I knew in the second he asked that I would've done anything to make the situation the tiniest bit easier for him. "Sure" I said quickly, not even thinking of what my affirmative reply would've entailed. I furrowed my eyebrows right after, looking down so that he wouldn't have noticed. I hoped my mother wouldn't have had any issues with that, I really did. I looked down at the drawing, deciding that I'd had enough of it, and I put it back in the folder, leaning against the back of the chair and checking the clock in the room, discovering that it was around ten in the morning. "Do you want to have breakfast?" I asked him, and he shrugged in response.

"I'm not really hungry" he replied, and I nodded slowly. It wasn't the first time it happened, but despite offering him something to eat, I didn't know what else to do. I especially didn't want to push him, considering that he'd already told me he would've felt sick if he ate while he was nervous and he'd been under a lot of stress lately.

"Do you want something to drink, at least?" I asked him again, hoping that he would've said yes to at least that one.

He tapped his fingers on the armrest slowly. "Coffee?" He asked, and I nodded quickly, suddenly feeling way more useful.

"Sure, how do you drink your coffee?" I asked him, pushing the chair away from the table and standing up quickly, starting to walk downstairs with him trailing after me.

"No milk, no sugar please" he replied, and I nodded, starting to make it, turning around while I was waiting and watching him as he leaned back against the kitchen table.

"So" I said, catching his attention way quicker than I'd expected. "How do you feel about... everything, today?" I asked him, carefully weighing my words, looking at him worriedly.

He pursed his lips, lowering his gaze to the floor as he thought of his answer. "I'll need to go to the gym later" he said in the end, and I gave him a slow nod, understanding that he was quite angry about everything that had happened - and I honestly couldn't blame him.

I turned around and put the coffee in a cup before covering the little distance between us and putting the cup on the table next to him in silence.

"Thank you" he said quietly, picking it up and taking a sip out of it, staring at everything but me. He drank it quickly and in silence, and it wasn't long before he was done. He put it down on the table behind him again, seeming to think of something for a couple of seconds. "Is there any chance I could have a shower?" He asked in the end, a hint of hesitation in his voice.

I nodded, eager to prove myself useful, knowing that I'd kind of fucked up with the whole texts situation, and wanting to make it up to him in some way. "Sure, you can find clean towels in the cabinet next to the sink" I said, and he nodded, muttering a low thank you before disappearing out of the room, leaving me alone again.

I sighed as soon as he left, glad that the tenseness in the air had been relieved for a while. I wouldn't have expected the atmosphere to be so tense, not even between us, but between him and everyone else. It was weird, but at the same time it wasn't weird at all, considering that it was him, and me, and similarly awkward situations happened to us almost on the daily.

I took his cup, I washed it and left it to dry, before sitting down at the table and sighing, putting my arms on it and hiding my face in them as I tried to get rid of the stress I was feeling.

I didn't even know how long I stayed in that position, but before I knew it Harry was coming back again, his hair slightly damp, wearing the same clothes of the day before. I glanced up at the clock in the kitchen, widening my eyes when I realised that half an hour had gone by.

He sat down at the table, in front of me, and in the moment he did I realised I was trapped. I stared at him, my heart starting to beat faster in anticipation and nervousness for what felt like hours, in which we just looked at each other, silently evaluating each other.

"I need to know if you really meant it" he asked in the end, his voice low, hesitation and worry evident in his words.

I looked down, thinking of what he'd said. Did I really mean it when I'd told him I couldn't do it anymore, or had I just freaked out because of everything? Had he truly taken everything of me yet? I knew the answer to that, it was echoing in my mind, but I wasn't sure I wanted to listen. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you, I promise you. I hate to think I did that and I'm truly sorry. I don't know how it'll sound now after everything, but you really mean a lot to me" I said quietly, speaking the truth. If there was a thing I hadn't thought about when I'd made my quick and sudden decision, it was the way he would've felt about it. The truth was, I'd got mad at him when he'd pushed me away when I'd told him I liked him, but in a way, I'd done the same thing to him. I'd deprived him of that one choice I'd so badly needed before. Did I want to give it back to him? Was it even worth it? That, I didn't know. "Please tell me what you're thinking. I need to know what you're thinking" I said, desperately trying to get him to say something, anything else, that would've made everything a little easier.

"I love you" he said quietly, his voice breathy, and the room crashed in on itself.

My head snapped up so quickly that my neck hurt and my eyes widened in shock to match his, that were holding a similarly confused look. We stared at each other and, for some seconds, the room was so silent that I wondered if he could hear my fastened heartbeat. I felt my heart drop out of my chest, and I couldn't tell if the feeling in my stomach was happy or sad. I felt the sudden need to cry and wetness pooled in my eyes, making me blink fast in hopes of getting rid of it, keeping it from falling down my face.

Harry's eyes widened, and his hands were trembling, a faint pinkness quickly finding its way on his cheeks, a flash of embarrassment and nervousness flicking through his green irises as quick as a deer running away from a wolf.

I breathed in slowly and I felt the air shiver all the way down my throat, the realisation of what had just happened hitting me and almost making me choke on my own breath. Faded away the initial shock, a hint of anger started to bubble up in my chest. How could he say such a thing, considering the position we were in? Why had he done that? Why had he even felt the need to? It was wrong, it wasn't the right moment and I just felt slightly sick, a mixture of panic and something I couldn't put my finger on in my stomach. Hearing someone tell you they love you is supposed to be a happy moment, but to me it didn't feel happy at all. It felt shocking, crazy, reckless, irresponsible, but at the same time it had some kind of a sour sweetness I couldn't understand. It felt of the ocean on the day we'd spent on the beach, it felt of the rain that had fallen over us while we rushed to my front door, of the fresh smell of paint and of leaves left in the water. It felt of so many things I knew, and of so many others I was yet to know altogether.

"Don't do that, Harry" I choked out, the tone of my voice almost pained, making it clear that I was upset about the whole thing. "You can't keep pushing me away for months and then hit me with that and, I don't know, expect me to say it back-"

"I don't expect you to say it back" he said faintly in reply, and right when I thought his words couldn't hurt more, he proved me wrong.

I shyly looked up at him, panic rising up inside me when I realised I'd hurt him, but I couldn't find it in myself to say it back when I didn't know if it was true, or right. If there was something of right at all, in that situation. I wondered if he'd truly meant that, or if it reflected the way he said it and it was just a little thought, a hint of a feeling, something that felt right to say in that moment. "I..." I started to say, just to realise that I had no idea of what I should've said. I knew what I was supposed to say to ease Harry's nervousness, but it wouldn't have been right to lead him on just for the sake of it, not knowing if there was any truth to my words.

He shook his head at my lack of response. "Sorry" he said, quickly standing up, a hurt look in his eyes. "Ignore I said that."

"No, stay" I told him before he could walk out of the room, and he furrowed his eyebrows, slowly sitting down again, waiting for me to say something in silence, maybe hoping that I would've said what he wanted to hear, who knows.

But I didn't, I just stared at him with wide eyes, not being able to believe the words that had just left his mouth. It didn't make any sense for him to like me. Why me, out of all people. I wasn't different, or special, or anything at all.

"I should get some things from the house" he said lowly all of sudden, sensing that I wouldn't have said anything about it, wanting to spare the both of us the awkwardness of the moment of silence that would've inevitably followed.

I nodded fast, being immensely glad that he'd decided to change topic, knowing that I wouldn't have been able to do that, not so shamelessly at least. "Do you want me to come with you?" I asked him, hoping that it hadn't been his way to say that he needed some alone time. I really didn't like the idea of letting him go to that house alone so soon after everything that had happened, where he would've risked to be stopped to have unwanted conversations, or to have awkward encounters with Niall's family - or Niall himself.

"Alright" he said to my surprise standing up, probably having thought of the same exact thing, and I nodded, this time standing up as well.

•  •  •

We arrived to Niall's house and Harry parked roughly on the side of the road, not bothering to enter the driveway.

I hesitantly got out of the car and he did the same, slamming the door a bit harder than it would've been necessary before quickly making his way to the front door, playing with the keys in his hand until he found the right one as he walked. He unlocked the door and went upstairs just as fast, and I couldn't help but trail after him like a lost puppy, not daring to say a single word.

When I arrived on the upper floor Harry had already opened the door to his bedroom and had disappeared inside. I stepped in the doorway and I glanced inside, observing him as he grabbed a bag and opened it roughly, putting it on the bed before walking to the wardrobe and taking out just enough clothes to last a couple of days and put them into the bag before moving towards the desk on the side of the room and taking all the papers on it and shoving them into one of the dressers. He took the bag and walked back towards me, and I quickly moved to the side to let him pass, understanding that he was trying to be as fast as possible to lessen his chances of meeting any member of the family.

I widened my eyes when I felt something cold in my hand and I looked down, realising just in that moment that Harry had given me a key while he walked to the bathroom.

Hoping that I'd understood his action right, I closed the doors of the wardrobe ignoring the drawer that he'd carefully shut himself, and walked out of the room, closing the door and turning the key in the lock twice.

He came back from the bathroom holding the bag with the hand that wasn't hurt, and he quickly tried the door of his bedroom to make sure I'd indeed locked it before walking down the stairs, with me trailing after him.

Right when I thought we would've been able to make it out of the house without meeting anyone, the front door opened, revealing Niall in the doorway, the slightly pissed look in his eyes and the redness on his cheeks because of the cold telling me that he'd either had to get the bus or walk home.

He widened his eyes, he too letting us know that he hadn't expected that situation to happen, and for a quick second Harry stopped in his tracks, and we all looked at each other. "What happened to you hand?" He then asked in the end, sending half a glance to Harry's bandaged hand, and the other boy sent him a cold glare before walking past him and leaving the house.

When I sat down in the car I quickly discovered that Harry already had, and before I could say anything he started the engine and left the street.

He stayed silent for the whole drive to my house, my nervousness exponentially rising by the second as I half expected him to bring up the conversation we'd had earlier. He didn't though, and by the time we arrived to my house, none of us had dared to say a word.

It was when he turned off the engine and was about to exit the car that I just knew that, despite how much I would've liked to, we simply couldn't have left it at that, because it would've just hurt him more - if there had been truth in his words - and made me overthink even more.

"Harry" I said, putting my hand on his forearm as soon as he unbuckled his belt and was about to open the door, and he froze.

He turned his head and glanced at me, and even though none of us had really said anything, I knew that he knew what I was about to bring up.

"We should talk about it" I said quietly, letting his arm go, thinking that it would've been weird to keep my hand there, considering everything.

He gave me an unreadable look. "What is there to talk about?" He asked, a hint of defensiveness in his voice, making it clear that he suddenly wasn't as eager to have that conversation as he'd been before.

"I feel like this is leading nowhere" I said quickly, surprising both me and him.

He turned his head, properly looking at me for the first time since we'd entered the car. "Why?"

I shrugged, not really knowing how to explain it. "I don't know, I feel like... I feel like you're so far away most of the time? I don't know how to explain it. It's not even that you push me away, you just don't let me get close at all. I think... it's like, it wouldn't even surprise me if you just left, one day, and I don't think this is how I'm supposed to feel."

He nodded slowly at my words. "You're right" he said, surprising me. I didn't know what I expected, but I certainly would have never thought he would've gone along with what I was saying. He was supposed to soothe my doubts, not validate them. "But how will we know if it was worth it if we don't at least try?"

I glanced at him as soon as he said that. Of course, Harry, being Harry, had decided to be tragically honest with me, and for the first time I realised I kind of didn't mind it. "I thought you didn't like to chase people" I told him, expecting him to retreat, but he didn't.

"I know you want me" he said, his green irises burning into mine. "I can see it in the way you look at me."

I glanced down, slightly blushing at his words, not having expected him to notice something like that. But of course, he had. I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to come to a solution that would've made both my mind and my heart content, but with not much luck.

"So?" Harry asked me quietly after I'd been silent for a while, and I sighed at the word, knowing in the second he said it what my answer would've been.

"Don't make me regret this, Harry."

•  •  •

We were on my bed again, and it was early afternoon. We'd had the pizza leftovers for lunch some hours before, and now Harry was lying down on his stomach on the mattress and I was sitting next to him, my drawing on a book that I'd put on my legs as I tried my best to shade it in the little space I had.

"Is that even comfortable?" He asked, not needing to turn his head to know in which position I was in. "You can put it on my back if you want to."

I gave him an attentive glance at the suggestion, knowing that he had a pretty good point since it seemed that he wouldn't have changed position anytime soon, but not daring to move any closer to him in fear of bothering him.

He turned his head, leaving it on the pillow and sending me a penetrating glance, seeming to be able to read the issue from my behaviour easily. "You can touch me, if you want" he said, his voice soft, somewhat hesitant. "You can play with my hair, you can kiss me, you can even fuck me or wake me up while I'm sleeping." He stopped, seeming to evaluate me with a quick look before continuing. "I'm not a doll, Sierra. My worth won't lessen if you mess up my hair and wrinkle my clothes."

I nodded slowly at him, his words having made me feel just slightly better, before hesitantly leaning forward and putting the book with the drawing on his back, sliding closer to him to be in a more comfortable position, instantly hating the fact that he'd indeed been right, and it was way easier like that.

He turned his head again and closed his eyes, his body seeming to melt into the mattress more and more as his breath slowly become steadier and he fell asleep.

I kept drawing as he slept, smiling to myself when I finally finished it. I carefully stood up and took the folder from my desk before sitting down again just as attentively, and sliding the drawing between the two plastic sheets.

Despite my efforts, though, I must had done it a bit too loudly, because it wasn't long before Harry stretched his back and turned his head to glance at me in silence.

"Hi" I told him quietly, and he just nodded in reply, blinking a few times as he tried to get used to the light coming from the window after his little nap. "I finished the drawing."

"Can I see?" He asked, turning around and sitting up on the bed, covering his mouth with his hand as he silently yawned.

I nodded and gave it to him, keeping it inside the folder to make sure it wouldn't have got ruined. "What do you think?" I asked him, looking at him as he observed it.

He shrugged. "The first one was better."

I posted a trailer for Artwork on my instagram account (that you can find in my bio), it'd be great if you checked it out! That being said, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. x

Miki

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