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"She's d...dead?" I stammered, instantly displeased at the word that had fallen off of my tongue. I had a hard time speaking about death or dying.

I didn't know this girl but a part of my heart went out for her. No one deserved to die that young. Death was ugly, menacing, and I'd met him on multiple occasions, taunting him to my bedside even. Something always pulled me out of the unbearable currents of depression though, lifting my head from the roaring tidal waves. Lenard helped in any way he could. But he was at war with his own personal demons, only finding himself sinking deep in the water with me at each attempt to pull me out. It made sense why the water finally took him under.

Everyone knows that you can't help the dying when you're already dead on the inside. He was dead on the inside more than anyone in my family would like to admit. I think that was what made me worse off in the end. When everyone says what you have isn't real, then you start to think you must be the crazy one.

My heart grew heavy, thinking of my brother in those last days I'd seen him. Heaving a deep breath, I drew myself out of my own thoughts that would do more damage to me than any good. I through myself back into the conversation back with Beth. Back to this world. Back to the present and not trapped in the past. The past was never a pleasant place to be.

"I don't know much about what happened before her suicide. Honestly." She emphasized. The way she forced the words out of her I knew I didn't believe her. Then again, I didn't believe anyone. "I wasn't close with her or anything, Dakota was overprotective of his little sister and didn't really let her go out to parties and stuff so I only ever saw her at school for many years. It wasn't until the year before she died that I started noticing her show up at my brother's parties."

"Who did she typically hang out with? I don't get how she'd be at your parties if she didn't know any of you like that."

"She hung out, for the most part, with a senior last year named Chase. They seemed pretty close before she passed. He's one of my brother's friends."

I hummed, intrigued at the fact that she'd taken such a jump in the social food chain. Even I knew at this point that the Lacrosse and Football team were looked at pretty highly around here in Crescent Heights. Out of curiosity, I went on to ask: "Does he happen to be on the Lacrosse team?"

She nodded, tilting her head a little. "Yeah. He is. How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess." I shrugged. The bell rang for our last class. We piled into the room and found empty seats. The teacher wasn't in yet, but they'd left the front door unlocked for the students to come in. I was pretty sure that was against some rule in my old school.

"Hey, now that I think about it," Beth began to say, "She hung out with a lot of the players on the team. I don't think Dakota liked it all that much."

Something was up about that Lacrosse team. I knew that. I didn't have any solid proof on them, though. But there had to be a connection with her party phase right before her suicide. I wouldn't pick and pry in a dead girl's life though. This didn't involve me. If any one cared, it would be Dakota. He was probably doing his own little investigation, trying to figure out what caused her to commit suicide. This was none of my business.

Was it tempting to look into her life a little more? Yes. Very much so. But even if I did find the missing puzzle pieces, what did I win? Nothing. Most likely nothing at all. It wasn't like Dakota would stop hating me at the drop of a hat and he'd start being kind to me. He'd be the same. I would be the same. We'd continue hating each other until the end of time. Besides, this hate for me was deeper than something that happened with my step brothers or his sister. My father had done something as well. This beef between our families was older than most of the vintage jeans I owned.

"You know what I never asked?" Beth chirped out of nowhere.

"What?" My head snapped up, looking at her with a muddle face.

"Why'd you move to California? I was meaning to ask you at the party and then earlier today, but it always slipped my mind. The only thing you said at the party was that your mom wanted you to come here. Is that all?"

Something happened. I did some things. I did some things I probably shouldn't admit without an attorney at my side. I became a "handful" and my mom didn't want to deal with drama any longer. Wanna know how it feels when your drug addict mom thinks YOU'VE got problems? It feels awful. I became more of a mess than her -- and I didn't even need to use drugs to do that. I did that all on my own.

"She thought it would be a good way to get some father-daughter time with my dad before I go off to college." I lied through my teeth, balling my fists in my pockets. "My grandparents live not too far from here and they wanted me to visit them too."

"Oh," she smiled. "That's nice of your mom."

"Yeah, real nice." I said faintly and fell back in my seat.

Lying was exhausting. But telling her the full truth -- something I'd never done to any one -- seemed to be more exhausting. There was too much I had to unravel in order for anyone to understand what I did and why I did it. People never would understand me. So I kept my secrets hidden in my hollowed out heart, waiting for a moment of bravery to spit it out of me.

I was hoping that someone would pull it out for me or I just might drown in my own thoughts like Lenard and end up where he did. The mind is a wicked little thing. Evoking feelings and repeating the past behind your sealed eyes at any hour. I could stay strong in front of any one person's vicious attacks, but I crumbled in an instant at my own thoughts.

I knew if I wasn't saved I'd be like him, snapping at the worst time possible and paying for it for the rest of eternity.

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Song: White Teeth Teens by Lorde

Lyrics:

❝Give the bruises out like gifts.❞

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