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A/N:

This is the last update to IGC guys...this is it...here we go...

Any bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and any italicized lines will represent a flashback of past events.

........

I went to the beach with my friends, and I tried to forget about the things that happened. We laughed and I smiled, a genuine smile because they were my best friends, but at night my mind would wander. Thoughts of Ryan somewhere far away from where I was, thoughts of us together...of us apart...the moments. It's crazy to think that after all this time that's what I continue to choose to hold onto...the moments.

Those small eternities, though, were all I really had left of the time we spent together. We weren't meant to be, and honestly my heart had wandered to someone else long ago, but that didn't mean I could ever forget about Ryan. It was all too fresh, too real.

My phone started buzzing in my pocket Monday night so I stepped out onto the balcony for some privacy. The number didn't look familiar, but I answered it anyways.

"Hi, my name is Ryan and I don't know why but I had surgery and the nurse gave me a note that I wrote and all it said was to call this number?" My heart stopped beating for a second. Ryan sounded so scared and confused...it was disorienting. I took a deep breath, shaking my head.

"Hey Ryan, it's Jay, remember?" There was a moment of silence where I held my breath and silently prayed. He would say of course and smile and we could both sigh in relief and laugh...

"I'm sorry, who?" With those words the breath came tumbling out of my mouth like someone had punched me in the stomach.

"Blue Jay?" I knew it was a long shot, but the name just came out.

"Blue Jay?" He sounded interested, like something might have clicked. "Are you Blue Jay?"

"Yes," I whispered happily, biting my bottom lip.

"I don't know why, but that name means something to me." My heart fell through the floor, actually more like the three stories down to the ground.

"Can I call you back in just a minute? I promise I'll explain everything."

"Okay," he sounded a little cautious, "I trust you." I just nodded to myself, taking a deep breath before hanging up and walking inside to get my headphones and telling my friends I'd be on the phone for a little bit. They eyed me knowingly, but I just turned and walked back out to the balcony. I called him back almost instantly and waited. One ring, two, a third, and a fourth, just pick up the-

"Hello?"

"Hey Ryan, it's Jay again." What came next hit me like a freight train.

"Who are you? My family keeps telling me to not talk to you and that you're going to lie to me and Derek keeps-"

"Ryan," I shook my head to myself, "I know. I know what they're doing and I know you don't remember and that things are hard and I'm not going to ask you to trust me over them. They're your family, Ryan."

"That's the problem though. They've been telling me all these things and trying to get me to remember, but it doesn't feel right...I don't know who you are, but I want you to tell me...all I have is this feeling and it's just not going away...and your voice is just so...please." I took another deep breath. He had never been a vulnerable person, but right now he sounded on the verge of breaking, and even if it meant I had to relive our whole sad saga, I would do it. I would do it for him.

"My name is Jay. I am 18 years old. We've been together on and off for almost a year and-"

"I remember the past year. I spent most of it in Europe." His interruption gave me a little hope. "But I don't remember you." And there it goes again.

"But do you remember why you were in Europe?"

"My parents told me to go with my sister? I don't' think anyone needs much more reason than that."

"Ryan, do you know that you're gay?" I know it was probably a stupid question, but he had told me that he wasn't really sure until he started dating Zack. Wow, even now his name leaves a sour taste in my mouth, or mind, or whatever.

"I'm bisexual, thank you." Yeah, he practically just slapped me across the face with some attitude.

"Ryan, trust me, you're gay." I sighed.

"How would you know?"

"Because straight guys don't kiss me up against their silver corvettes, or invite me to stay at their apartments, or lie under the stars promising that he'll never forget me." Tears were welling up in the corners of my eyes, but I couldn't stop. "Straight guys don't cheat with me, then cheat on me, and when I finally let you back in, you left me in pieces without an explanation. I spent months wishing I could take it all back, that none of it had ever happened until you showed back up again." A tear hit my knee, just one. "And now...it's like it never did." There was a long silence on the other end.

"Do you want me to remember?"

"What?"

"Do you want me to remember?" He repeated himself. This was my option. This was the choice I'd been debating over the past few days. I could either choose to leave it all, pretend it never happened and walk away from Ryan forever...or I could choose to stay. I could fight his friends and his family and tell him everything he didn't remember, we could pick right back up where we left off and live happily ever-

"I want you to be free."

There was no happily ever after for us. I'd been through enough with him to know that we just weren't meant to be. If he had a chance to escape us, to finally not have to remember what we had and be able to live his life without me, who was I to take that away from him? I chose to be apart from him...and now he could too.

"What do you mean?"

"Ryan, you've spent the past month waiting, hoping I would forgive you and come back to you so that maybe you could propose and we could be together and never have to worry about anything ever again...but that's not what I want. I don't want to go to college to get a meaningless degree so that I can sit at home raising kids by the time I'm 25 because we're living off of your parents money." I chuckled to myself. "That's everyone's dream and I'm turning it down..."

"Why?"

"Because I want to struggle." I admitted it not only to him, but also to myself. "I want to put myself through years of school and have to go find a job that I have to go to everyday to ear my way in this world. I want to experience having an apartment and paying rent and bills and being alive, Ryan. It's something you don't understand, something you can't understand...but it's not your fault. And I you never knew how I truly felt before, I always kept giving you hope without meaning to and now I have a chance to do the right thing by you. You can finally go on to live a happy life like we've told each other every time we've broken up. You can go find someone who makes you happier than I ever did and have that life you dreamed of...just without me."

"Jay, I-"

I hung up the phone before he could say anything else. Whether my words triggered a memory or he was just trying to understand more, it didn't matter. I needed to let him go. Now that he had a chance to forget...so could I.

I spent the next few hours wandering up and down the beach on the phone with Sunny before going back to the pool and explaining everything to my friends. I didn't cry about it, or break, or anything. I just felt...numb. It was like there was a part of me that was missing now, something that I just couldn't replace and even though I felt relieved to no longer have it weighing me down, I already missed it.

It was all over. For good this time...at least I thought.

.............

The next day I got a text message...from Derek. Ryan's memory was spotty and he was freaking out. Apparently I was the only person he was asking for and anyone else that went in his room got yelled at or attacked. Yep, sounds like Ryan.

"Ryan, you're okay. I'm here." I sent the text message, still debating on whether I would be helping or hurting the situation.

"What's going on?"

"You had surgery, but you're okay. Everything is fine."

"Surgery?"

"Shh, you're fine. Do you remember who I am?"

"Of course I do." That message made my heart flutter a little, but not as much as the next. "I promised you I would."

"I know you did..." I needed a way to distract him. "You remember that day we watched all of the Indiana Jones movies?"

"You mean the day I watched and you slept through all of them?"

"Yeah." I added a grinning face. "You know why that's one of my favorite days we spent together?"

"Why?"

"Because there wasn't anything special or romantic or drama-filled about it."

"It was just us." I smiled at his response and continued to talk about the past until finally he fell asleep and stopped responding. About a half hour afterward, I heard from Derek again.

"You just can't mind your own damn business, can you ya filthy gold digger." I stared down at my phone, grinding my teeth in agitation.

"YOU asked ME for help, Derek. You. I don't know why you suddenly think you can throw me under the bus and blame me for all of your problems when I never did anything to you. I never did anything to Ryan. I never asked for money, or gifts, or anything, so STOP CALLING ME A GOLD DIGGER."

"You're just like every other pathetic guy Ryan's ever been with, so don't even try to pat yourself on the back." Something snapped with that message. Something deep down that was still trying to hold onto the Derek I once knew.

"He offered me everything. He offered me literally everything he had and I turned it down. I walked away because I know that it's not what I want. I don't need his money just like he doesn't need a "friend" like you. Don't ever contact me again Derek or I will show up and rock you his family's perfect little boat of lies until the whole damn thing sinks and I bring you all down with me."

That was the last time I ever heard from Derek...

..............

Over the next few days Ryan continued to text me. Every time he woke up he would have different questions and things would have come and gone from his mind. We would talk for a while before eventually I would tire him out with thinking and I would wait until the next message came.

Each message hurt, but the thought of leaving him in the dark with his family feeding him lies about who he was and what had happened hurt worse. So I kept responding, I kept giving him hope. It wasn't until several days later that our little charade finally ended...until he finally remembered it all.

"Jay, I remember."

"What do you remember today?"

"Everything."

"Like, everything everything?"

"I can't keep doing this to you." I was completely caught off guard and so my mind was blank. I hadn't thought of what to do if he woke up from all of this and just suddenly remembered. Other than letting go like I had the first night, I didn't have any other plans, and we all can see how well that worked since almost a week later I'm still holding on.

"What do you mean?"

"You said you wanted to set me free, but I'm not going to hold you back anymore."

"Ryan, you aren't holding me back. No one deserves to be alone after what you've been through. We're friends, remember?"

"But I don't want to just be friends with you Jay, you know that." I didn't respond, just staring at the words on my phone. "I want to give you a ring and move into an apartment together and help you get through school and eventually adopt a dog and kids and just be with you."

"You know I can't do that..."

"I keep holding onto this dream...I've been having it every night since my surgery."

"What dream?"

"It's of me throwing a football with our son in the backyard while you sit on the back porch drinking tea and gripe about how barbaric the sport is."

"If only I drank tea." I tried to lighten the mood, but the picture he painted in my mind...I could see it. I could imagine it and it was just out of my reach. I could have it...

"I want to have that, I want to marry you and be happy." He completely ignored my comment, which meant he was serious.

"I want to be with you...but I don't know if that's what I want Ryan. I don't know if I'll ever want that. I'm young, and about to start college while you've got the entire world right in front of you." there was a few minutes of silence before my phone went off again.

"So I guess this is it...huh?"

"I guess so..."

"I will always love you, Jay, and it has been a pleasure to have known you."

"The pleasure was all mine." I sent the message before typing another. "I'm only ever a sky away."

There was no response.

........................

So this is the story of us, the story of how Ryan and I found, fought for, and lost each other. The story of how I loved and cried through so many nights that I lost count. But maybe my story will help you, maybe you'll learn from the mistakes we made and get your happily ever after.

Yesterday Ryan sent me a simple text. All it said was, "I remember: Day 3." It took me a few months to get over him last time...but this time is a little different...

I'll find my way back to being okay eventually, but for now I'm going to let go.

I looked over the last lines in the small journal, slowly shutting the book before taking out my lighter and setting it on fire. It had spent months hiding in my closet and taunting me to simply open it and relive the memories it held. Now it was time for me to be free. So I watched it burn in my small fire pit and smiled. Life with Ryan hadn't been easy, but it was worth it. Now, when people asked about what happened, my answer was simple. It gets complicated.

...................

A/N:

Well, that's it guys...it's over. I want to thank you for coming along this journey with me because it's been amazing hearing from you guys and seeing your reactions to the story. This is the end of IGC, the end of a true story that will have no more further updates this time unfortunately.

If you enjoyed this part, the characters, the story, any of it, please feel free to comment or vote or both!

Also, I'm now working on two other stories, one called Love Hurts and the other is Whispers of the Woods, so if you are looking for more of my writing, definitely check out both of these. They have more of a sarcastic and comedic side than IGC, but I hope you enjoy all the same!

Anyways, thank you again, I love each and every one of you. xx

-Tay

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