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Price Bigg is in love with Jeremy.

Jeremy Smalle over hears a conversation with Jeremy and his dad and interprets it incorrectly (a literal understatement).

The Gang thinks Tina is cheating on Mario.

It's Jeremy's birthday night.

Jeremy thinks Price is having an affair with his Dad.

Solving For X

The Longest Night Squared 

Bigg

I was beginning to think that Jeremy might more insane that I had previously thought possible. Which was a combination of words I thought I'd never say.

He had begun walking around, aimlessly through his house as we planned this surprise party for him. Sure, the surprise part of it was moot, but still. We were throwing him a 90s party and if there is one decade that teenagers love to praise despite being infants and not really remembering any of it besides maybe crapping in their diapers and a vague remembrance of the Rock's Modern Life theme song, it's the 90s.

Everyone was coming.

"What's up his ass?" Rory asked from beside me. Tying the end of a balloon. "He's ben pacing like that for a while now."

I shook my head and tied a red one and putting with the other rainbow mismatch of balloons that were 1 ft. 6 inches in front of us. "I honestly have no clue," I said. "Jeremy has always been a paradox to me." I could solve almost every mathematical problem put in front of me, but Jeremy was an equation I'd never been able to solve. It was as if one of his variables were missing.

"I think he's finally lost it," Rory muttered as we watched Jer kicked balloons and streamers, smearing them all over the floor with his feet. "Maybe he's finally reached the level of stupid that his brain can handle and now his body is malfunctioning."

"He's not a robot," I said. But then again, I've never really seen him drink water. "Right?" What am I saying, he swims in the stuff; he might as well be part Dolphin. I might as well call him Ariel. I shook my head and narrowed my eyes at Coppercunt. "Look, this is your fault to begin with."

"My fault?" he hissed, softly so that Jeremy wouldn't t hear. "It was Joy's idea to have us fake like we were getting busy."

"You went with it!"

"You did too!"

"I was persuaded!"

"So was I!"

"Ugh!"

"Ugh!!"

"UGH!" Jeremy shouted. "Can you to please stop whispering over there?" he asked, annoyed; mouth twisting and convulsing and twitching as he ran his hands through his hair frantically, ruining it. "I'm in the middle of a very serious identity crisis, I have a party I must attend and The freaking Mooners," he looked out the window and probably into the Mooners' front window, "Are up to something." He picked up the binoculars he had set on the table and peered out the window though them.

Rory bit his lip. "I honestly don't know what you see in him," he said. "He's crazy."

"Yeah well," I responded. "Crazy's good when your favorite thing to do is solve math problems."

Rory blinked. "Jesus. That's true." He paused. "You lead a sad ass life, kid."

"And yours is any better?" I scoffed. His pale blue eyes narrowed and the pale skin on his forehead wrinkled. "Oh please," I mumbled. "You spend your days reading books about adventures you won't have."

"And you spend yours solving equations that you'll never use anywhere ever again," he countered. "So, what's worse?"

"What's worse is that the only two people I thought were sane other than me in our group are bitter, bickering ass-hats," Joy said, sitting down in front of us. "You two need to get it together. Pronto."

"Why?" Rory mumbled.

"Because tonight is the night Bigg tells Smalle how he feels and also we have to break the demonic incantation that Tina the Teenage Witch has over our other love stricken doofus of a friend."

"Right," I said. Right? I thought. "Woah, whoa, when did we ever come to that conclusion?" I asked. "Who said anything about telling Jeremy."

"Oh tack on your manhood," Joy softly bellowed. "Tell him what's up before I do."

"Would you?"

She smacked me. "Jesus Christ, Price. Man up a bit."

"Fine, fine," I mumbled. "Sometime during the party, I'll tell him."

"It should be your gift," Rory suggested. "Considering you probably don't have a physical one to give him."

I narrowed my gaze. If I did it anymore, I'd just see blurs at this point, but Jesus this guy was annoying. "Is that meant as an insult?"

"I don't know," he said. "Only us literature nerds can tell the difference between literal and figurative meanings."

"I really hope you fall down a flight of stairs," I barked. "Literal of figurative?"

"Calm down you two," Ivy remarked. "Jesus. It's almost sexual, this tension."

"Ew," I said as Rory spat out a "Gross."

"Then stop acting like an old married couple and let's formulate a plan to dealing with Tina," she said. She looked to Jeremy. "Jer, what do you think we should do with the Tina fiasco?"

"I say we invite her," he said.

"Mario's done that like five times, one by email, chat, text, Facebook message and candy gram."

"It's not going to be that difficult," I said. "we follow Tina during the party and see what occurs."

"Then we dump pigs blood on her," Jeremy suggested.

Rory rolled his eyes before I could. "And that's the sanest plan he's had all week, to be honest."

"Typical," I muttered.

"It's not cute to gang up on me," Jer said. He eyed me closely. "Dad and Mom always ganged up on whenever I got a bad grade." His stare intensified. "Remember her, Price? My mother? Faithful wife to my father? Mother of his children?"

I blinked. "Um."

"Jeremy can you go check on the cookies in the baker?" Rory asked. "I don't think you wanna serve burnt cookies to your guests."

Jeremy gave me on more second of staring before he mumbled something under his breath and stood up. "When your guests are The Mooners, the only thing you'd wanna serve them is brunt cookies." Then he strutted out.

"What...was that all about?" Ivy asked.

"If I had a clue, I'd tell you," I mumbled.

Rory was smirking. Shit eating smirk. I frowned. Oh boy. "What do you know?"

Rory began to laugh. "Okay, okay. You won't believe what I'm about to tell you."

I sat up. "Try me."

"Your son thinks your cheating," I said.

Mr. Bigg's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "He knows?" My eyes bulge this time. "I've been pretty careful at cheating him in craps. He owes me back payments now."

My eyes go back into my head. "Well, he thinks you're dating me."

He nearly coughs up his lungs. "You can't be serious."

I raised a brow at him, leaning against the counter. "No offense Mr. Smalle, but your son is nuttier than a squirrel's nest during a particularly harsh winter."

"That...was very descriptive," he said. "And insane enough to actually be true."

I blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"Think about it," he said putting his hands up as if he was framing a picture, "he walks in during the end of a conversation that is out of context and totally believes we are having a secret affair."

"That's ridiculous," I snorted. I coughed and straightened up. "Or is it?"

"Nothing is ridiculous in Jeremy's mind," he said.

"Which is precisely his problem," I muttered.

"And what's the problem now?" he asked.

I gazed up at him. "Mr. Smalle, I'm flattered, and it's not that you aren't attractive or old or anything, but there's no way I'm going to be dating you."

He shook his head, chuckling. "You are the dense sometimes, you know." I folded my arms over my chest. "Tell him it's a lie then," he said. "I'm not seeing the problem here."

"I can't just tell him that," I said. "It would involve explanation."

"And facts and common sense aren't exactly things Jeremy was bestowed him upon birth," he admitted. "he's got great eyebrows, though."

"Fantastic," I droned. "What are we going to do about this?"

He shrugged. "What is there to do besides confess that you're in love with him," he said. "The truth works sometimes, you know."

I squinted my eyes at him. "You clearly have no idea how this life works," I told him. "I guess I've got to recruit someone a bit smarter to deal with it."

"So my brother's an idiot," Micah sighed, "what's really new these days?"

I was sitting on the bean bag chair that Micah had in the corner of his room next to his science project trophies. He himself was on the edge of his mattress in his cell phone in one hand and this protein drink in the other. "He's so spectacularly opaque that it should be considered a talent at this point."

Micah was a kid, okay. But whenever I was in a room with him, I always felt slightly threatened because he honestly sometimes felt as though he was on the same intellectual level that I was.

"It isn't really that surprising that he thought you and Dad were having an affair," he said. "And it's less surprising that you're in love with him."

I groaned and sunk deeper into the bean bag. "So, what should I do?"

"Tell him" he said. "This isn't rocket science, which I'm sure you're aware of with your fetish for mathematics."

I almost snorted. "Well, it could be worse."

I took a sip of the green stuff. "Yeah? How?"

"I could be twelve," I retorted.

He snorted this time, wiping his mouth. "Touché. Why come to a twelve year old for advice then?"

I shrugged. "You're not so bad for a prêt-teen snot bag; maybe because you act you're a thirty year old woman."

"I resent that," he said. "And I also want to help with the Tina thing," he finished.

"I'm not even going to ask how you know about that, just remind me to string Jeremy up by his laces later tonight," I said with a huff.

He chuckled for the first time tonight. Or. Ever really. Micah was perpetually in a bad mood since I met him, and that was the day he came out the womb. At least he wasn't a robot or anything. "Do you ever think what your life would be like if you ever started dating Jeremy?" he asked. "Like, honestly."

"All the time," I said, I admitted. "I daydream about long car rides and Carly Rae Jepsen songs and everything that goes with youthful relationships."

He hmmed. I couldn't identify the tone of said hmm. "Then why not just go for it?" he asked. "What's stopping you?"

"I...just afraid of if he rejects me," I said. "I don't think I could've sunk more into that bag without becoming a part of it my stuff. "What if he's straighter than plywood?"

Micah's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "If Jeremy's straight then I'm black," he said. "And my music is terribly bland, so there's no way either is true." He almost smiled. "Go for it."

"I hate the unknown," I admitted. "I love math because everything is always so clear, and easy t figure out. One and one will be Two. It's just a fact."

He slouched, resting the container of green goo down. "Okay, well. Think of this as an equation then," he said. "Let's assume potential love is equaled to X. Price Bigg and Jeremy Smalle are two best friends who have shared everything with each other, have been together as long as anyone can remember. If Jeremy's googly eyes for Price are equaled to Y, and Price Big's unrequited love is equaled to the exact distance between their two beating gooey heart or something, solve the equation and find x."

"That equation doesn't make sense," I noted. My eye twitched just hearing it. "It lacks general coherence."

"There's no such thing," Micah said. "And you're missing the point, Gay Einstein."

I resented that last comment. I'm pretty sure Albert was gay already. "And what point is that?"

"Everything is solvable, especially this one." He sat back up. "Now, go and solve for x."

"What are you doing?" I asked Jeremy, as I put on one of his dressier shirts and a pair of his khaki shorts. I envy saw the point of getting dressed for house parties; it's literally in your house. A pajama bottom would suffice.

"I'm practicing my surprise faces," he said. He clutched his chest and opened his eyes. "Is this surprised enough, or should I put on a pair of my mom's pearls to clutch as I faint and tumble down the stair case to kick off a murder mystery party, except I'm actually hurt so someone is really charged for my attempted murder that no one figures out is all an elaborate hoax by myself for planning a surprise party for me and then ruining it by telling me about it and then inviting the freaking Mooners!" He sucked in a tank full of air.

"J?" I said, putting on a pair of his shoes. They barely fit.

"Yes, PB?" he answered, practicing fainting. "Hopefully that drama class I was forced to take with Ivy will pay off."

"Do I even have to tell you that tonight is really about?" I asked as his door swung open.

"Hey guys," Mario said, waving almost literally floating into the room on a balloon of love and infatuation. There was a red headed boy with him with freckles and rosy cheeks. "Have you guys seen Tina?" he asked, falling onto Jeremy's bed backwards.

"No, I don't think she's arrived yet," I said. "Why?"

"No reason," he said. He looked at me and at the red head and then at Jeremy, who was still in the mirror. "Have you ever been in love with someone so much that you're afraid what would happen if it became public?"

"Sometimes," I said. I wasn't feeling very comfortable right now. And neither did the redhead look like he was. He had shrunk against Jeremy's door. "I'm sorry," I said. "I don't think we've met?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm Brian. I'm Tina's step-brother."

"Oh," I said. "That would explain why she's blonde and basically a blood sucking creature of the night, while you're pretty much reserved."

"He's not that reserved," Mario insisted. "He's actually a pretty great guy when you get to know him like I got to."

"Sure," I said with as much a friendly smile as I could muster up. Something felt a little off. "Is everyone in fake place?" I asked Mario.

"Yup," he said, sitting up. "They are ready to fake surprise you, Jer."

"Fake great," Jeremy huffed. "Let's get this over with already." He stepped from the mirror and walked out, with us behind him.

When everyone yelled surprise! Jeremy actually looked remotely surprised. I don't think he knew how much people actually like him at school. I mean, he was an idiot, but Jeremy had that happy-go-lucky idiot gravitas about him that resonated with others. I think adorable is the word cheerleader Allison used at one point. "Jesus, it's the entire town," he said to me as we walked down the stairs and the music started playing loudly.

"Free beer" I said with a shrug. "And believe it or not, you're actually a decent person."

He goofy grinned. Of course. "So I'm the most popular guy in school?"

"Not by a long shot," Ivy said, wearing a dress so short that I think it technically qualified as a shirt instead. "You're not even top 10."

"Way to hurt a guy's feeling," Rory mumbled next to her, dressed in a plain white T and a pair of black joggers. He at least put in earrings. "Hey babe," he said to me and kissed my cheek and lingered next to my ears. "Tina just got here," he whispered into it. "By the kitchen door."

I looked over. There she was, talking to Mario with that Brian guy looking mildly uncomfortable with Tina's presence. "Poor guy has to live with that animal."

"So, what's the plan," Ivy asked. We were leaning against the "punch" table near the end of the stairs while everyone else partied to their heart's content. "How do we get her to whoever she's cheating on Mario on?"

"What are the odds she even brought him with her?" Jeremy asked, leaning against the table with a red solo cup already in his hands.

"I can hack her phone," Micah, who appeared literally out of nowhere, said. "I can see her contacts, send a message to the guy in her phone and privately text her phone, telling her to come outside. Then you guys can see what occurs"

Rory blinked down at M. "Can you actually do that?" he asked. "That seems kinda science fiction."

"Welcome to the future grandpa," Micah said. He took out his phone. "Just give me her number and I'll take care of the rest."

Ivy gave him it and he went back up the stairs, probably to his room. "Sometimes I wonder how you two are related," Rory said.

"I think it's the coming out of the same vag thing," Jer responded. "Look," he whispered and tried to hide behind the cup. "The Mooners."

All three of us rolled our eyes. Alex Mooner was tall, tan and by all accounts gorgeous, which may be the only thing extraterrestrial about him. His twin sister Shakira, was just as amazing gorgeous and tall, with straight jet black hair that fell around her back. They were standing to themselves in the corner of the room, looking relatively bored with everything. Which was normal. Seeing them in school, the Mooners were almost always bored with everything.

"You guys enjoying the party?" Mr. Smalle asked, walking o tp the table to sample some of the "punch". He immediately winced. "This is the tangy-est punch I've ever tasted. What's the flavor?"

"Bad Decisions," Jeremy answered with a rough voice. "Mixed with Regret and just a pinch of Infidelity. A personal blend of mine."

Mr. Smalle scoffed and grabbed Jeremy's hand. "That's it," he said and looked at me. "I'm going to fix this."

"Woah, woah," I said, jumping up because if he told Jeremy I was in love with him, I just might drown myself in the tub.

"She's moving," Ivy said. I looked back. Tina was in her phone and moving towards the door, slipping out of it. Mario and Brian were heading up the stairs."Now or never," she said.

"We'll deal with your boy problems later," Rory said. "We've got to move." He grabbed me by my hand and started to lead me through the sea of people and the pulsating music that tore out my ears.

I was almost thankful when we got outside. But I instantly regretted when I saw Tina kissing some boy across the street.

"I'll kill her," Ivy said, taking off her earrings. "I'll kill her and bury her at sea." She took off her pumps.

Rory placed a hand on her shoulder. "Not worth it," he said. "Let's go just tell Mario so he can deal with it."

We slipped through the back door and up the stairs. "Where did they go?" Ivy asked. "Bathroom maybe?"

"The both of them?" I asked. "Only girls do that."

"Sexist," Ivy mumbled. "Check your bedroom."

Rory stopped in front of my door and pulled it, sticking his head into it. "Mario...."? Rory stuck his head back out, eyes wide. He stepped back and looked at both Ivy and myself. "Okay. This. Sort of explains everything."

"I can explain," Mario said, stepping out of the room without a shirt or much of anything. He only had a single pillow covering his groin. And the redhead followed with just his boxers, red all over – like all over.

"Can you really?" Ivy said, barking at him. "Can you honestly?"

"Um, Price?"

We all looked toward Micah. He stooped walking when he surveyed the scene. "Um."

"Later," I said.

"Sure," he mumbled. "Um. You might want to come see what Jeremy is up to."

I closed my eyes. "What is he doing?"

"It's sort of funny," he said, then paused, "but then it's sort of not."

I turned to Mario. "You've got some major explaining to do."

We all stalked away behind Micah who stopped at the top of the staircase and waived for us to look down in the middle of the dance floor.

Jeremy was standing there, with his dead in front of him, hand folded over his chest with Mrs. Smalle beside him. "What in God's name is he doing?"

"He just challenged Dad in front of everyone to a boxing match for the right to sort of date you."

Mario snorted. "You've got some explaining to do."

"OH shut the fuck up, Mario," Rory said.

That caught Jeremy's attention who looked up and met my eyes; he looked sort of crazed. He pointed to me and looked back at his Dad. "That boy is mine."

One more chapter.

And a very short epilogue. 

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