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UNEDITED AND UUGH.

He stands there in shock, frozen for a second as I kiss him. For one moment I think he's not going to kiss me, that he's really over me and he's going to push me back and make me realise just what a bitch I was being.

But then he's kissing me back and it's desperately so, as if he's trying to make up for all the time he's lost. His lips are chapped and they're rough but they feel absolutely perfect.

Alec thought I had cheated on him that night but that night was a peck and I had pulled back. Because I knew it was wrong.

And Jake was always wrong.

But he felt so damn right.

But this, what I was doing now, kissing Jake, the way I was kissing Jake encompassed just how much of a slut I was being, no better than my sister, no better than Natalie.

But you know the thing that made it worse? Made what I was doing absolutely and totally worse than them?

I didn't fucking care.

My hands are in his hair and he's already lifted me up. I tug his hair back and he groans as I wrap my legs around his waist.Neither of us stop to catch our breath, both of us sensing the urgency of the kiss.

He's kissing me like he's been drowning underwater and I'm his breath of fresh air.

And I'm kissing him like I'm never letting him go.

The kiss just deepens after that and I can't get enough of him, Jake is unpredictable, he's wild and he makes me feel all those things and more. He tastes like starlight and fire, dangerous, beautiful and absolutely lethal. I know that even if some sane part of me managed to claw its way through my dazed mind, I would shove her aside so violently because I wasn't going to let go of him.

We finally break apart and we are both breathing heavily, our foreheads touching each other, our breaths mingling. His eyes are shut tight, but I keep looking at him trying to memorise everything about him, the way his lashes are unbearably long, the way he smells like honeydew and lemons and the way he's absolutely perfect.

"We shouldn't be doing this." He says softly his eyes still shut.

"I know." I reply,"But we still are."

His hands slip from my waist and he sets me gently to the ground. His forehead is still pressed to mine but his green eyes are open and he's staring at me.

"You love him, you're with him." He says almost to himself,"You and I both know the last time you did this what happened. You can't do this because you're not this person and I'm not going to let you go through all of that guilt again."

"Then why haven't you gone away already?" I breathe and he winces and shuts his eyes once again.

"Because I'm an idiot." He says.

"And I'm stupid." I say,"Sounds like we would be perfect for each other. "

He takes a sharp breath,"And also shows just how wrong we are."

"Why?" I say trying not to let the bitterness leak into my voice,"It's not like you've slept with my sister twice, the girl whose made my life hell also twice and lets not forget my best friend who can't even look at me."

"Alec cheated on you?" He looks genuinely shocked,"He-"

"No he slept with Samantha two years back." I say tonelessly,"It's like he chose everyone over me. He didn't even look at me until I was something he could never have."

"Wasn't that the entire point about us?" He asked slowly,"That Alec noticed you?"

"Yes." I say,"But I just didn't think it would hurt this much when he did and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't said yes that night. That I had told him that I wanted to wait, that I needed time."

"Then why didn't you?" He asks.

I look at Jake trying to understand why it's so easy to talk to him, without hesitation I can tell him everything I'm thinking, everything I'm feeling.

Everything but what I felt about him.

"I didn't because I love him." I say slowly,"And I was terrified that if I lost him too, then I would just crumble."

I laugh humorlessly at that,"Must speak leaps about me huh? That I can't function without a boy?"

"Have you ever tried?" He asks,"Maybe you're just afraid to find out that you can."

I look at him meeting his gaze, his green eyes shining so brightly and I can't think of what I'm going to say next so out of pure instinct I say,"I can barely function without you and I hate myself for that."

"I hate myself for that too."

"It's not your fault." I say managing a small grin,"After all I'm the idiot who fell for your incredible lack of charm and faux bad boy act."

His lips tug into a smile despite our conversation,"I assure you Wilson I have plenty of charm and I invented the bad boy act."

I roll my eyes for a second,"I bet if I walk up to your room right now and I'd find plenty of cheesy rom coms lying around."

He smirks,"You wish."

We both grin at eachother but it drops quickly because it hurts, it hurts so much to see this, the old Jake and Clara and just how good they could be together despite everything, if only they fought a little less, if only they stopped thinking about how wrong they were for each other and remember all the ways they were right.

"Is that why you came back?" I ask my voice small,"To see if we were worth fighting for or if we are just a absolute waste of time?"

He looks at me sharply,"We are not something that can be salvaged but that will never mean that you are not worth fighting for."

I shut my eyes tightly.

"Everytime you say something like that it breaks me." I say,"And looking at you I don't see all the reasons you are wrong for me, god knows that list goes on forever. But I see something I rarely thought I had the ability to see."

"What?"

"Everything that's wrong with Alec."

He raises his eyebrows,"I thought he was perfect."

"He's not you."

Jake doesn't say anything and I continue.

"He is. Perfect that is. He's kind, he's funny, he's so sweet I know I don't deserve him." I say looking away,"But he's still not you just like you're not him.How can I pick-"

"There is no choice here Clara." He says tersely, "I'm not-"

"Have you thought that maybe that's why I've become like this? When you keep telling me that you don't deserve me, do you think that maybe just maybe I've done all of this to prove to you that I'm just as bad as you."

He stumbles back,"No, no please tell me that you're not-" He shuts his eyes trying to gather himself,"Please tell me that that this thing with Alec it's not just a-"

"No!" I interrupt,"Of course I not, but I- I love him but I still lo-"

He cuts me off,"No. You need to understand we are no longer an option. This isn't New York, this isn't new years, we can't, we can't."

"How long do you plan on putting up this act?" I say,"The kind where you're going to be a self sacrificing bastard?"

His eyes widen and I sigh, "I know. I know all of it."

"What do you mean-" He starts but I interrupt,"Eric. The fact that you left because you thought that he was going to...."

He's running his hand through his hair, a common sign that he's angry or frustrated. Usually when it came to me he was both.

"Who told you?" He asks slowly as if trying not to burst.

"Spencer."

"And why exactly were you talking to her?" His tone is dangerously low and my heart shudders. I know what was coming my way and yet I just didn't want to believe it.

"Because I needed to."

I know I can't tell him about Alec, even though it's his right to know it will send him spinning into a path that even Spencer and her shiny little pink boots can't pull him out of.

I can't send him down that path because I'm....

I'm in love with him.

And I'm in love with Alec.

And I'd do just about anything for them both.

I kmow im the biggest bitch on the planet for wanting them both but I don't care about the consequences. So congrats to Michella, Natalie and most recently Samantha for pointing out very accurately as to what a whore I was.

"If you know everything." He says calmly his eyes dark,"Why are you here?"I know that look, it's the same look he had given me before he had walked out on me in New York.

"Because I don't care."

He looks a me in a painful manner, almost as if it hurts for him or look at me.

"I should have just left that day." He says,"That day I should have just gone instead of staying here-"

"So you're going to do it again huh?" I say,"Run away from me? Run away from us because-"

"I didn't run away godamn it." He explodes,"Do you really want to know why I came back? Because I'm a selfish bastard, I didn't come back just to see you with him Clara! I came back for us, I came to beg on my knees, whatever it took for us. I came back to say to hell with everything, I came back and I saw you with him. And it hurt, it hurt so much even though I knew I had hurt you and you deserved to move on with him. But it hurt because I was still in -"

He falters closing his eyes tightly turning around as if he can't bare to look at me.

I step forward,"Why-Why can't you say it to me? Why can't you-"

"Don't. " He says,"Please don't. "

I take a deep breath and try my best not to fall apart. I will myself not to. I will get myself through this.

I will make sure that he would go away without ever looking back.

I've got to make sure that he's going to be all right without me so I say the three words that I'm sure will chase him away.

Just like it did last time.

"I love you." And despite everything I mean it. Despite everything that's happened despite all his mistakes and all my mistakes and lies those are three words are the ones that shine through.

And he loved me too, even though he couldn't say it, he did. He loved me too and he would leave because no matter how many times he had tried to convince himself, he wasn't selfish.

His eyes shut and his fists are tightly clenched and he's hurting. He's hurting because we both know what he's going to say next and neither of us want to hear him say it,"Please don't make me do this again."

I almost crack at the tone of his voice but I have to do this.

I can do this, I can push him away like he pushed me away for my sake. And that kiss, it had to be our last.

Because he'd loved me enough to let me go that time, and noe I owed it to him to make sure that he would be away from Alec. So that both of them deserved the life they got. One that wasn't shadowed by their fathers mistakes.

"I love you." I say again,"And Jake I need you to say it because I know you do too, I know that-"

"You know everything." His voice is hollow,"And yet you're doing this. Knowing that I-I can't."

"I don't care. I don't care about the risks." I say as im trying mh best not just drop it all and tell him that I would do jus anything not to do this,"I just need you to-"

"I can't. " He says shaking his head,"I won't. I won't do this to you again, I won't let you go near them again."

"Jake-"

"No." He says backing away from me,"Im not going to-"

And now it's time for the hammer to the nail.

"Fine." I say,"Fine then go. Go run back to New York, just go. Because what's the point of you staying here when all you're going to do is make me second guess myself with what ifs because you just wont fight for me. I know the risks Jake and I'm telling you to be selfish, I'm telling you to just take the damn risk-"

"If it was only me then you think I'd be standing here arguing about this?" He shouts,"Good god Clara I'd be kissing you like there is no tomorrow. I'd be-"

"Then do it." I shout back not sure how much of this is an act from my part,"Do it."

He looks at me his face going blank,"No."

And my heart breaks. It breaks me to see just how stupid and blind I'd been all those months ago when he had walked out of that room, turning his back to me saying that it was not his problem.

If I had, just seen him then and known in my stupid head like I had in my heart that he loved me as much as I did. If I had, I would have run after him, I would have fought harder, I would have fought much harder before falling in love with Alec once again and messing this whole shit up so royally.

But I hadn't.

And that point I'd been completely totally in love with Jake Henderson and I still am in a way.

But I'm just as much in love with Alec now. I was in love with the sweet kind boy next door as I was in love with the fiercely protective, rash boy who had stolen my first kiss and then moved next door to me too.

"No." I echo,"You're going to push me away again aren't you?"

"You're not fucking giving me another choice."

"Well you can just fucking tell me the damn truth Jake Henderson." I say,"You can just say how you really feel-"

"How I really feel?" He roars,"How do you know, how I really feel?"

And there comes the part of Jake who pushes everyone away.

"Well for starters you stood out in he rain and-"

"Good god Clara anyone can stand in the rain-"

"You stayed."

He doesn't look at me,"And you're making me regret it."

And he's completely gone behind his wall. And he's so good, he's so good at pushing me away that I have to keep reminding myself that look in his eyes isn't real.

"Then what exactly are you doing here?" I ask.

"Watching you throw yourself at me again "

I take a sharp breath in and step back and the wall cracks for just one moment where he's about to step forward and take them back but they harden immediately and look away.

"Oh." I say softly, "Because that's all this is to you. A desperate attempt by yet and not her girl you throw herself at your feet."

"It probably is." Jake says tonelessly,"After all you're so convinced that this Eric thing is such such a joke. So why else would I stay if not to just enjoy your pathetic display of yours."

I don't say anything as he continues,"Despite telling you that I'm not going to fight for you, you're under this delusion that I love you."

"So you feel nothing for me?" I ask.

He tears his gaze away from me and for a second I can see what it's trying to say, please don't make me do this.

"No." He says again his tone low,"I don't love you. I feel nothing."

"Then go. Go away and never ever come back." I say trying to put as much of conviction in my voice,"You put on this act back in New York instead where you can convince yourself that what you're doing is for my sake because it really isn't. You're doing it because you're a coward. Because I know somehwere you still care, but you're right, maybe im just delusional. Maybe I'm just hoping to did someone who really isn't there.So instead of staying here and making everyone miserable just go."

He looks at me unmoving and I look at him one last time before saying,"After all I was never your problem to begin with."

I'm running out of his house before i can see his reaction andfind a way to screw it all up. Tears blur my eyesight as I somehow find my way to my front door. I throw it open and tumble into my house closing the door behind me trying to take in air.

Over and over again I try to convince myself that he will stay but I know he wont, he won't fight for me even if it killed him because he would never put me in danger.

Too bad I was the same.

_________________

The next morning I'm all out of tears and totally unready to face school. A big of school mainly being Alec and Samantha.

I don't know how to feel about the entire thing because we weren't together back then and I had no right to judge.

But in was angrier at Samantha than I was at Alec.

Mainly because I had cheated on him twice.

But it hurt that he had somehow managed to pick everyone over me. Like the choice I had received in New York, in a way Alec had too, every single time he was with a new girl, he'd had a choice between her and me and the other one always won.

But I deserved it and to be honest I now got exactly why no body came even close to me, I was the biggest bitch on the face of the Earth.

"Clara!" I stop on my tracks as Rebecca catches up from behind me.

"Clara- Woah you look terrible." She says and I sigh.

"I feel terrible." I say.

She looks at me thoughtfuly for a second and then asks,"Does this have something to do with the fact that Jake is going-"

"Rebecca please." I beg,"Don't. Not now."

"No it has to be done sometime doesn't it?" She says,"You look horrible here and then all of a sudden everyone is talking about how Jake Henderson is going back to New York at the end of this month and will then only come for the finals."

"Rebecca-"

"Please tell me you didn't do anything thing stupid-"

"Rebecca-"

"Don't Rebecca me, are you not thinking straight?" She asks,"You can't just let Jake slip through your fingers."

"I told him to go." I say softly.

She halts looking stunned,"What?"

"I told him to go back." I say robotically, "We realised just how finished we really were."

I start walking ahead but Rebecca catches my wrist and pulls me back almost literally dragging me down the hall.

She comes to a stop in a fairly deserted part of the school.

"What are you doing?" I hiss,"We will miss first period."

"I don't care." She says,"As of now you need to get your shit together and tell Jake to-"

"I'm not-"

"How can you just let him go?" She asks,"You're in love with-"

"Stop!" I say,"Just stop it! I'm sorry Rebecca if I can't have the fairytale ending with him like you want."

"But you want to have it with him, then why are you running towards Alec?" She says,"You're just-"

"Alec and I are done." I say trying to keep my voice neutral but it falters,"I'm pretty sure he wants us to be done. Good for Samantha."

Rebecca's eyes widen,"She told you?"

I look at her for a second shocked but then I almost laugh at my surprise, why wouldn't she know?

"Yeah I guessed." I say,"I mean who knew the whore has a brain too? Tell her maybe she was right, I probably do have everything or maybe I just have everything she doesnt-"

Before I can finish the world tilts and I lean against the locker closing my eyes.

"Clara?"

"I'm fine." I say,"It's nothing, I'm probably just hungry."

"Or maybe pregnant." She comments jokingly and I roll my eyes.

"Then it's definitely not my kid."

I freeze as I hear Alec's voice and Rebecca manages to cover up her shock pretty well.

"Hi Rebecca." He says politely coming and standing next to me but I can't get myself to look at him.

"Do you mind if I borrow her for just a minute?"

Rebecca throws a glance my way but my brain is too muddled up to even understand what she's trying to convey.

"Yeah." She says finally,"Of course I was just leaving anyway and best of luck for today."

"Thanks." He nods and Rebecca throws another look my way before walking away.

It's definitely not my kid.

That's just how much Alec trusts me now days. That's nice to know.

"I need to talk to you." He says softly.

And before I can stop myself the words tumble out,"Look if you're breaking up its okay, you don't need to be nice about it, I don't expect you to-"

He cuts me off by kissing me.

But it's different this time, usually its the kind that I can feel all the way too my toes, the kind that's soft sweet and gentle.

But this one is harder, it's much more deeper and it's desperate almost. His hands or on my waist and he's backed me towards the locker. He tastes of alcohol and I realise that he's been drinking.

He breaks apart from me breathing heavily.

"What are you doing?" I ask,"I thought you hated me-"

"I don't hate you." He says,"I don't think I can. But I need you to tell me the truth."

"Conrad Hender-"

"No." He says forcefuly,"I dont want to talk about that now, I want to talk about-about you and Jake."

I take a step back from him and look down"He's leaving."

"I've heard."

"I've asked him to leave." I say slowly.

"Why?"

Because I can't see him ruin himself over me.

"Because he should have gone a long time back."

"Or is it because you don't trust yourself with him?" He asks softly.

I look up at him shocked at his question but then I manage to swallow and say,"No, I don't trust myself with him."

"Is it because you still love him?"

"Yes." I say somehow managing to look back at him without falling to pieces. He deserved the truth and I owed it to him to give it to him,"But he's going away way because he understands that I love you more."

I'm not even sure if that's true anymore. But I know that it's exactly what I have to tell myself because I knew that I did love Alec.

"And yet you had chosen him that time." He says,"Yet you chose to keep this shit with his father a secret for him, not for me."

"I thought you didn't want to talk about that."

"Maybe I do." He yells,"But you're just going to deflect the answers anyway aren't you? You're not going to tell the truth-"

"What's the point?" I say,"When I try to tell you the truth you just accuse me of lying once more. Yes I'm in love him, but I love you and right now I'm letting him go because I'm picking you-"

"Well excuse me for having my doubts considering that you slept him while you can barely kiss me!"

"What exactly are you trying to tell me?" I say looking at him incredulously,"Are you actually standing in front of me telling me that you think I love Jake Henderson more because I slept with him and I haven't slept with you-"

"Yes!" He says,"Maybe that's exactly what I'm implying, maybe that's exactly what trying to say."

"So it's bloody okay, that you slept with my sister, you slept either Natalie you slept with Samantha and everyone fucking tramp in our school? You know what's the most ironic part in all this shit? If you hadn't been with everyone else, if you'd just given me one clue that you were in love with me all those years then Jake and I wouldn't even have gotten together. We'd done only done that because he wanted to help me get you. I only did that to get you."

"Then now when you've got me why do you keep going back to him?" He asks,"You went to his house yesterday, I saw you. I saw you go in when I had come to yours to apologise to tell you to forget all this crap about Conrad Henderson, that I would forget all of this because I loved you but it's just not enough for you is it?"

"I don't know how to convince you that it is." I say quietly.

"I don't think you can." He says softly after sometime,"At least not now."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I ask.

"No." He says after sometime,"Im calling a time out until you figure out a way to sort out your feelings and stop fucking with mine."

He starts moving forward but then stops for just one moment,"I'll still keep my promise to you though. I won't tell him a thing."

"I know. I trust you." I say quietly,"You may not trust me but you're still the one person who I can trust with anything."

He gives a sad smile,"If only that were true."

And then he walks out.

I stand there watching him disappear before running out to the parking lot.

Before I kmow it I'm fumbling with my keys opening the door to my car with the singular purpose to get away from the school for the rest of the day because I was afraid that a teacher would probably ask me some random question and I would just burst into tears.

I drive blindly and somehow manage to reach home and stumble inside. My head is killing me and I'm feeling dizzy so much so that I can barely put one foot in front of the other.

I rush up to my grandmother's medicine cabinet in hope to find some aspirin.

I open the wooden door of the cabinet and there are so many bottles that I can barely see the back of the cabinet.

If I could think or see straight I would have probably snooped around a lot more and realised that there was something wrong but instead I just grab the aspirin kept in front and manage to swallow it.

I struggle up the stairs cursing myself everytime I tripped. I promise myself, when I finally make it on top of the stairs that I would wake up early from now on and eat breakfast. I finally make it to my room and just collapse on my bed into a deep and dreamless sleep.

________

I wake up to my phone ringing on full volume. My head is still throbbing and my damn phone isn't helping as it blares out.

Why won't it freaking stop?

I groan out loud when I realise that my phone is all the way on the floor where I had dropped it durinh my rushed hurry to get into bed.

My mouth feels like paper and i realise that im really thirsty. There is a glass of water on my dresser which could have only been put there by grandmother. I swallow greedily hoping the phone will just stop ringing but it doesn't.

I somehow manage to pull myself of bed and walk over unsteadily to my phone.

I bend over to retrieve my phone when i notice two things.

The first thing is the fact that it's Rebecca who is calling. I'm in half a mind to cut it immediately but I halt when I notice what time it is.

01:29 am.

What the actual hell? I'd come home before first period which meant I had slept for at least sixteen hours.

I pick the call up, mildly curious as to why she would be calling me so late at night. Well it probably wasn't that late considering that there was a football game today which meant if we had won then most probably the after party would be on full swing.

"Hello?"

"Clara! Oh thank god!"Rebecca exclaims on the phone,"Ive been calling you forever. Oh god Clara i dont know how ir happened.You have to got to come-"

"Bex slow down." I say,"It's one thirty in the night what's going-"

"An accident." She says breathlessly,"They were in an accident, we didnt-"

"Rebecca I don't understand. Who was in an accident, what are you-"

"Jake and Alec." She says finally slowing down,"They were in an accident."

________

Authors Note:

Author: I really hate this chapter. I find it so disjointed and just plain like what the eff am I even writing types. But anyway I had planned a nice big authors note but right now I'm way too sleepy to even try to write it. So I love you guys and if you don't like this chapter just tell me so I'll change it.

I promise I won't feel bad of you hate this chapter.

Ooh and dedication goes to @Firegriffin2 and her threat which made me laugh so hard that i quite literally had tears in my eyes.

Oh and for all those who want to ask questions or send any pictures or just talk the best way to do so is to my email nyllacamphry@gmail.com because my wattpad inbox is an absolute mess.

Love you guys please don't forget to comment vote and tell me what you think.

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