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I'm still lying in bed when my text tone goes off, trying to will myself to get up and get ready for work.

This has been a daily battle for the last few weeks. Getting up and out of bed just doesn't seem worth it anymore, not even for the job that I've loved for the past year.

I'm late to nearly every shift but I'm lucky Gabe miraculously finds a way to cover my ass. And Jack's pissed at me because I turn down every extra shift he offers me.

I glance at my phone and contemplate whether it's worth the exhaustion of picking it up and checking the notification.

I sigh as stretch my arm out and take it off the nightstand. Usually my heart would sink, seeing a message from Carter but I'm so numb these days that I don't have the ability to be upset about it. Perhaps I'm becoming used to it.

Unknown: I'm out the front. You home alone?

I send back a quick "yeah" and throw my phone to the side. I hear the door click open from downstairs.

"Kellin?" Carter calls.

"Up here." I call back, halfheartedly feeling drained from just speaking.

I sit up and wait on the edge of bed for Carter to appear at the door.

"Hey," he smiles at me, seemingly in a good mood. "It's been a while. I've been super busy with wedding planning."

He chuckles a little but I just nod looking down at my hands.

"I thought we could mix things up a little today." he says.

I watch as he pulls a bottle of lubricant out of his pocket. I'm a little confused but hope that this makes it easier.

I hook my fingers under the hem of the hoodie I've been wearing for two weeks straight and begin to pull it off but Carter stops me.

"I'll do that." he says, coming towards me and slipping his hands under my hoodie, placing them in the bare skin of my hips.

It's weird having him so close to me. Usually I undress myself then lay face down on the mattress until he leaves.

Today he seems to be in a strange mood. He pushes my hoodie up, exposing my stomach but comes to a halt.

He sniffs and looks a mix between disgusted and confused.

"What's that smell?"

He sniffs again.

"Is that, is that you?" he scowls stepping away from me.

"Oh," I mumble in realization. "Sorry, I'll spray some deodorant."

I shuffle through a drawer and find some deodorant before spraying myself with it.

"When was the last time you showered?" Carter asks.

I just shrug, feeling a little embarrassed. It was well over two weeks ago. Getting out of bed is a struggle, let alone showering.

I place the deodorant down and Carter resumes his tasks of removing my hoodie.

"That was nearly a turn off." he chuckles.

"Wouldn't that be a shame." I mumble sarcastically.

Carter chuckles and confuses me by kissing my cheek. I was expecting him to hit me.

"You're so cute." he grins.

He pulls my hoodie off and then my shirt.

Carter frowns as his gaze drops to my arms.

"W-what happened to your arms?" he stammers out.

I glance down at the hundreds of cuts that litter my skin. It's hard to believe that it just started with one cut. Now I can't stop.

"Nothing." I mumble.

He stares for a few seconds before begins removing his own shirt. He places his hands on my waist before leaning in a kissing me. The act takes me by surprise and I immediately push him away.

"W-what are you doing?" I stammer out, fearful.

Fucking me is one thing but kissing is a whole other thing. Kissing is so intimate. I only want to kiss the people I love, I only want to kiss Vic.

"Kissing you." he smiles, leaning in to do it again but I place my hand on his chest, stopping him.

"I don't want to do that." I stammer out nervously.

He looks immediately displeased.

"Since when do I give a fuck about what you do and don't want." he snaps.

I don't want to make him angry so I just nod, giving in to him.

He tugs off my sweatpants then removes his own jeans. I stand waiting for instruction. Carter soon grabs me and lays me down on the bed which confuses me. He climbs on top of me and kisses me again. I just let him.

I think I've completely given up on fighting back. It's easier to just let him get it over and done with.

He sighs and pulls away seeming a little frustrated.

"Can't you just be a little enthusiastic?" he huffs. He doesn't seem angry, just a little disappointed.

"I can't." I whisper, tears filling my eyes. "No part of me is ever going to enjoy this."

He smirks and brings his lips down to my neck.

"I think I can change your mind on that." he mumbles.

He strips us out of our boxers and presses himself down on top of me as he kisses me again. Having him so uncomfortably close to me is really triggering an anxiety from within me, and having him kissing me isn't helping.

I feel relieved when he sits up but it's only to apply lubricant to his boner.

Soon enough he's pushing inside of me but the feeling is different to all the other times he's forced himself into me, it feels good, and I hate it.

"No, no, stop." I stammer out as tears begin falling down my face but Carter just continues what he's doing.

He pushes into me gently at a moderate speed, rather than his usual aggressive manner. He glides in and out of me smoothly due to the coat of lubricant, in contrast to the usual painful friction.

He thrusts gently into a bundle of nerves that strike quiet, involuntary moans to fall from my lips.

I don't want this, I don't want any part of this so why am I reacting this way?

I try to pull away from Carter but he grips my hips and pulls me back.

"Stay." he pants.

This is worse than when he hurts me, this is so much more worse than that. And I don't think it could get any worse than this.

But I was wrong.

Carter wraps his fingers around my shaft and that's when I realize I'm hard.

"Stop it." I sob as he starts stroking me.

He shushes me and places his hand over my mouth, preventing me from making any noise.

"You're ruining it." he whispers.

In a desperate attempt to escape, I reach around, feeling my sheets for anything that I can use to hurt Carter but my hand falls on something soft. It's the Teddy Bear Vic gave me.

I clench onto it and bring it close to me, holding it against my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut and think about Vic and about prom night. I should have fucking kissed him.

I should have kissed him all those nights I stayed at his house and slept next to him. I should have kissed him all those times we went out for coffee and hot chocolate. I should have kissed him at our graduation ceremony. I should have kissed him that night on the roof on New Years and every New Years after that. Every birthday, every Christmas, every Halloween. I had ten years to kiss him and I didn't. Now I'll never know what could have been.

Thankfully Carter finishes before I can and pulls out of me. I roll onto my side and curl into a ball and let small whimpers fall from my lips. I can't believe that just happened. I feel so disgusting.

"You're such a baby." he chuckles as he pulls the bear out of my arms.

I watch horrified as he takes out his flipknife then holds it to the bears neck.

"No!" I cry out as the knife tears through the neck, taking its head right off.

Stuffing falls out of the gaping hole as Carter tosses the cherished possession back down on the mattress.

I grasp the stuffing hopelessly and cry as Carter gets dressed.

"I'll see you in a few days." he murmurs then kisses my shoulder.

After that he leaves.

I collect the stuffing and force it back into the neck of my bear but it just falls back out.

I was just raped and my rapist is coming back in a few days yet all I can think about is this bear.

My phone buzzes which makes me jump. I pick up and upon noticing it's Jack, I remember that I'm supposed to be working. I already have three messages and a missed call from him and he doesn't sound happy.

12:11pm

Jack: Kellin, where are you?? You're 10 minutes late.

12:23pm

Missed call from 'Jack'

12:38pm

Jack: I NEED you to work today. We're short staffed. Please answer your phone.

1:34pm

Jack: Don't bother coming in. You should reconsider working for me. One more strike and you're fired.

I read over the messages and hate how I'm feeling. It's not guilt, it's not regret, it's not sadness nor anger, it's numbness. I could be jobless and yet I feel nothing.

I carelessly text Jack back.

Kellin: was sick. Sorry.

Then I throw my phone to the side and reach under my pillow. I pull out one of the many blades I stashed under there, then I look to my wrist.

I find a space between the many cuts on my arm and then bring the blade to my wrist, making another one.

Blood breaks out from the gash and builds up until it drips down my arm. There's something about the process that's both calming and exhilarating so I do it again and again. Anything to quieten the thoughts that are constantly screaming in my head. Anything to make me feel something other than numbness. I attack my arm almost absentmindedly until I'm interrupted by the door shutting downstairs.

I wonder if it's Carter again but the jingle of keys tell me otherwise. Jenna's home. I drop the blade and rummage around for some clothes on my bedroom floor. I throw on some sweatpants and a hoodie but in my frantic hurry, I slip and hit my knee hard on the floorboard.

"Fuck!" I cuss.

"Kells? You home?" I hear Jenna call as footsteps make their way up the stairs.

"Yeah." I call back, picking myself off the floor and sitting on the bed.

I ignore the pain in my knee and my arm, just waiting for Jenna to make an appearance. When she does, I can see that she's concerned.

"Why aren't you at work?" she asks confused.

"Wasn't feeling well." I shrug.

She smiles sadly as she sits next to me.

"You've been crying." she points out.

"I'm okay, Jen." I sigh.

She takes my hand and gives it a comforting squeeze.

"Is this about Vic and Carter?" she asks.

"Why does everything have to be about them?" I snap.

She swallows hard and takes a breath.

"Sweetie, the love of your life is getting married. I can't imagine how much that must hurt." she murmurs.

A sinking feeling resides in my chest as I'm reminded that Vic's marrying my rapist.

"How's Tay?" I ask changing the subject.

"She's struggling. Her grandma practically raised her. She's having trouble adjusting to life without her. And this fucking funeral is stressing her out. It's ridiculous how long it's been postponed for and no ones offering to help pay for it." Jenna rants frustrated, but then realization flashes across her face. "Kells, Tay is important to me and she's going through a hard time at the moment, but that doesn't make you any less important. I can see you're struggling. I'm here for you, talk to me."

Tears flood my eyes at her words. Lately it's been hard to believe that anyone could care about me.

"I'm okay, Jen." I sniff.

She's sighs, her head dropping in defeat.

"I wish you'd talk to me." she whispers. "I wish I could help."

"Jen," I pause briefly to find my words but Jenna speaks before I get the chance.

"Kellin, there's blood on your jumper." she says, her voice wavering with worry.

My eyes drop to my sleeve where blood has seeped through the fabric. How could I be so stupid? What did I think would happen if I put a hoodie on over bleeding cuts?

Jenna tries to push up my sleeve but I grab her wrist tightly to stop her.

"Jen, don't." I choke out.

I take my eyes off my sleeve and meet her gaze. Her blue eyes are flooded with tears as she stares back at me, worried and shocked.

"Did you cut yourself?" she screeches.

She's not angry, I can see that. She's concerned.

"No, it was an accid–"

"Kellin, don't you fucking lie to me! Enough with the lies!" she shouts.

A lump arises in my throat when I notice the shear hurt in her eyes.

I look down at my bloody sleeve as tears fall from my eyes and slide down my cheeks.

"I didn't know what else to do." I whimper.

She drops her grip on my sleeve and I watch her cover her mouth in shock.

"Show me."

"No Jen, that's not–"

"Show me!" she snaps.

I sigh defeated and roll up my sleeves. I myself am alarmed at the sight of my arms. I guess I've been somewhat desensitized to the sight until now.

My left arm is still bleeding and it looks like a mess, not to mention I can now feel the sting.

"Oh honey," she croaks out. "This isn't the way. This doesn't fix anything."

"Don't tell Vic." I choke then I start sobbing.

Jenna wraps her arms around me and kisses my cheek.

"He could help you, Kells. He's been through this. And he's your best friend, he deserves to know." Jenna coos softly.

"He can't know, Jenna. Please. Don't tell him. I'll stop, I promise. Just don't tell him." I cry.

I can't stand the thought of Vic being disappointed in me for breaking my promise.

"Okay, but you have to stop." she says warningly. "Give me the blade."

I look around and find the blade sitting next to me. I give it to Jenna and she seems relieved.

I feel guilty. I'm not going to stop. I can't. I need something to help me cope. This is the only thing I have.

"I'm going to be around more, Kells. I'm sorry." she whispers.

"Don't be." I murmur.

Jenna squeezes me tightly and kisses my cheek.

"Why are you hurting this much? What could be so bad, Kells?" Jenna whispers but the question seems rhetorical.

If only she knew.

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