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Dedication: QueenOfFreaks for the awesome cover on the side. Thanks, it's great. :)

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I'm not sure whether it was due to my non-stop, pathetic sobbing or whether the concept of time just didn't matter to me anymore.  It was as though my brain was stuck on replay. Those words, that affected me in more ways than one, going over and over in my brain, making the urge to be sick grow stronger.

"It's your grandmother. She passed away this morning."

Ugh.

Raking my fingers through my hair, I lent my head back. My eyes were wet with tears, my nose running. I hated the fact she was gone and I hated even more that it was making me cry. I wasn't that type of person. It was just... how many more people were there left to lose? I seriously had no one anymore.

I absent-mindedly grasped at the bottle of vodka beside me. It was mixed in with orange juice. Or should I say, had pinches of orange juice. I sculled it back, as if it was water, ignoring the flare of pain that ignited my throat. My whole body was crumpled against the wall of my dorm room, it supporting most of my weight. My arms were limp as they fell by my side. She had been my last hope. My last hope of getting away from this hell hole.

Guess that wouldn't be happening now.

I'm uncertain of how long I had been there, sprawled uncomfortably on the ground, but it felt like an eon with the way my body was cramping. I'm sure the school day had ended by now, but there was still no sign of Imogen. She was probably with Chase, which benefited me right now. I do not feel like explaining what has happened to anyone. Especially not her. She will probe into my background, question my past my life.

I refuse to let her give me sympathy. She doesn't care.

No one does.

There was a soft knock at the door. I didn't even blink. I blatantly ignored the fact and resumed my rigid activity of laying immobile. The knock sounded again, becoming slightly persistent.

"Go away." I groaned, my voice coming out raspy.

As if an invitation, the door swung open, allowing Colin to enter. I groaned dramatically, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, with what almost was like actual concern. Hah. What a joke. I barked out a humourless laugh, sounding dry to my own ears. My cheeks were tear-stained, causing my long, brunette hair to stick to them annoyingly.

"Yeah, just peachy."

He gently shut the door and walked over to me cautiously, as if I was a ticking time bomb, moments away from exploding. Which was a possibility. Upon reaching me, he crouched down low, so that we were eye level.

"Are you drunk?"

"Are you ugly?"

"What?"

"Exactly. Both stupid questions." I said bluntly.

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "So you just indirectly told me I was attractive. Thank you."

Ignoring him, I clambered to my feet, swaying. My vision began swimming and I staggered backwards, my back hitting the wall roughly. Colin's eyes widened as he reached out, in attempt to steady me.

I wrenched my arm from his grip, as if being poisoned. "Don't touch me."

He stared at me in surprise. He didn't look hurt, just a little shocked. Slowly, I maneuvered myself away from him. I pulled down Imogen's dressing gown, from the rack and pulled out her belt. I felt Colin's gaze on me as I waddled over to the window. I tied the belt around the curtain holder, before securing it around my neck.

"What the hell are you doing?" he exclaimed, leaping towards me hastily. "Are you crazy?"

"Just tired of everything."

"So you're trying to kill yourself now, huh? Wow. You're not the person I thought you were."

"And who was that?" I snorted, pushing him away from me again. "Don't act like you care, okay? We both know you don't."

"If I didn't, why would I be here?"

I shrugged. "There's only one thing guys want from me."

He sighed heavily, frowning at me. "And you think that's what I want?"

"I know it is."

"Well, think about-"

"So, you're saying you want to be with me? You want to love me?" I argued, the word 'love' sounding like a cuss on my tongue. "Want to fix me. Want to be in a relationship with me. Deal with all the baggage I have? No. That's not what you want Colin. You want me because of my body and what I can provide for you, momentarily, that is. Once I give you what you want, I will just be filed away with the other countless bimbos you've defiled, before we go back to hating each other. In a few years you will forget me, my name and who I am entirely. You do not care, so please, please, stop pretending you do. It will just be easier for everyone if we weren't even friends. I think it would just be better in general, if I just... disappeared. I'd be happier."

He blinked at me for a few moments, my words slowly sinking into his brain. His mouth was slightly agape as his eyes roamed over my face restlessly. His lips parted a couple of times, as if he was struggling to come up with something to say.

That was a first.

"So, you're obviously not okay..." he muttered, more to himself I think, than me.

I gave him a slow smile, that felt painful on my face. "No, really, I'm fine."

"What happened?" he murmured, so low, his words hardly audible.

Cocking my head to the side, I studied him, my vision beginning to blur around the edges. My words weren't slurring, thankfully, but my eyesight was deteriorating pretty rapidly. Hopefully I'll pass out soon and be able to forget all the pain, just for a little while.

"She died." I croaked out. "She left me. She was the only way out of here and now..."

I couldn't finish because I absolutely broke down. My body collapsed into a heap on the floor. Colin swooped down, pulling me up. He ripped the belt away from me and securely wrapped his arms around me. He gathered me up onto his lap. Stupidly, I buried my face into his chest, my fingers latching onto his shirt. I cried into him as he rubbed my back soothingly, sending electric tingles down my skin. I despised how much I enjoyed being in his embrace. We sat like that for an extremely long time. He didn't whisper comforting things in my ears, he didn't tell me everything would be okay. He just held me, which was the thing I needed most right now.

I slowly moved from him, so that I could stare into his eyes. My eyes were swimming with tears and I gave him a half-hearted smile. "Thank you."

In response, he lent closer to me, his hot breath fanning across my face. My own got hitched in my throat. He pressed his lips to mine briefly, before he left a trail of gentle kisses up my cheek, over my temple and onto my forehead. I let my eyes close as I enjoyed the feel of it, letting my fingers create circular patterns on his torso.

He broke contact from me. "No. Thank you."

I breathed out a slight laugh, shaking my head. "Why does everyone desperately want me to open up?"

"Because as your friends, we want to know you."

"I didn't think we were friends." I deadpanned, but continued before he could say anything more on it. "And how do I know that as soon as I tell you everything, you don't just leave, like everyone else has?"

"Because I know what it's like to do it tough and have no one. I wouldn't put you through what I have been."

I sighed wearily. "Maybe. Just not today."

"Can you tell me what happened though? Just that, please."

I idly played with his shirt, chewing at my lip. I didn't want to utter the words, because that would make it become that much more real. You know the feeling, when you think something, you're okay. But as soon as you voice it, you fall apart into a million pieces.

I was experiencing that right now.

I sucked in a big breath, averting my eyes. I knew he was watching me, silently, absorbing my every detail.

"My grandmother... she was the only person I respected. The only one I would listen to. She was just the one person in the world there for me, you know?"

He twitched his head in understanding, allowing me to continue.

I took a few breaths, trying to calm myself. "But she left. Like they all do."

Tears burned at my eyes, but I pushed them away. I let out a shaky laugh, pulling roughly at his shirt, without even meaning to.

"Left?"

"Died."

My body stiffened at the word. His hand on my back paused slightly, before it kept going. He cleared his throat uneasily. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not. Don't give me your sympathy."

He nodded. "Okay."

I stood up and moved away from him, gluing my eyes to the floor. "Er- thanks. For this. You should go now."

"Hayley-" he began, also rising to his feet, but I held up my hand, in gesture to stop.

"Please."

He pursed his lips and stared at me for a few moments, before shouldering past me and out of my dorm. I tilted my head back, staring at the ceiling. If he went and acted like a jerk next time I saw him, I seriously will punch him in the face.  Or, maybe it would be better if he did. I needed his touch and I got it. I would move on now and could pretend that he being here didn't mean more to me than I let on.

I had hardly been alone for a minute, before Imogen entered, a dreamy smile plastered across her face, her index finger twirling her man of blonde hair. Seeing her this happy, made me turn, pressing the back of my hand to my mouth.

"Hey, what happened in History?" she asked me. "You never came back."

I cleared my throat, my lips feeling dry and cracked. "Oh nothing. Just a follow up from the whole isolation thing."

"Are you okay?"

"Yep."

"Hayley..." she trailed off. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I snapped, refusing to look at her. "I'm not telling anyone anymore. I'm sick of thinking about it. Sick of talking about it."

I could feel her confusion, but couldn't elaborate.

"Go ask Colin if you need to know. Since you guys are both on the same page with trying to get me to 'open' up."

"What are you talking about?"

Letting out a frustrated groan, I stomped away from her and to the door. I ripped it open and without another word, marched toward the gym.

I needed to distract myself, although I'm drunk. I'm sure there would be something useful I could do...

I seriously have no idea why, but when the iron gates creaked as they swung open, allowing me my temporary release. Colin came bustling towards me. I stared at him in bewilderment as he skidded to a breathless halt.

"I'm coming with you."

"No."

"Yes."

"I don't want you to."

"Too bad."

"I need to be on my own."

"Yeah, because that worked out so well last time."

Okay, so he probably would be referring to when I went to the gym, whilst highly intoxicated. Those two mixed was definitely not my brightest moment. I slipped off the treadmill, split my head open and now had ugly stitches sashed across my forehead attractively. I spent all yesterday messed up in the infirmary. Yeah, the nurse and I are on a first name basis now, I'm there so frequently.

Yay for me, more scars to add to my on-going collection.

"I can handle myself fine." I snapped.

"I'm still coming."

"Why are you being so persistent with this?"

"Why are you being so resistant with this?" he remarked, slightly mimicking my voice. I scowled at his impression of me.

"I'm going to kick you in the knee caps."

"Go for it."

Taking it as an offer, I struck my leg out, but he was prepared. He clutched my leg and pulled me to him. I gasped, falling forward. He grabbed me, wrapping an arm around me.

"Get off me!" I hissed angrily, pulling myself from him.

He ripped me back just as quickly. I struggled against him, pummelling his chest with my fists. After many futile attempts to get him to release me, I sagged against him. A sob built up in my throat, to the extent I just wanted to crawl into fetal position and have a break down.

"Problem here?" a rough voice asked, indicating we weren't alone.

I wrenched myself from him and this time was successful. I smoothed over my ruffled hair, trying to collect myself. "Let's just go."

"Okay." Colin unnecessarily answered.

"Not you."

"Yes me. Stop complaining."

"Stop speaking."

"I can do that."

"Colin! Just go away."

"No."

"Come on kids," the guard said in a fake, soothing voice, revealing a row of misplaced and crooked teeth. "Don't make me bring out my cuffs now."

Setting my lips in a firm line, I stormed out the gates, fuming. How Colin managed to weasel his way into coming to my Grandmother's funeral was beyond me. Probably threatened someone. Wouldn't surprise me. I was wrapped securely in a plain, black dress, the clung to my body. Okay, so probably not completely appropriate, but since when did I ever wear anything but that? Besides, it wasn't as if I could go shopping to choose another option anyway.

We slipped into the van and I determinedly looked out the window, my arms folded defensively across my chest. The trip was silent, except from the hum of the radio, that was singing out in a foreign language. It was nice to be out of 'prison', that's for sure. Would have been nicer under different circumstances, but anyway. It was about a forty-five minute drive to where we were burying my nan. As soon as the car had stopped, I was tumbling out of the car.

Lines of people were already there, wandering around, pamphlets latched in their fingers. I could see a photo of my nan plastered on the front, her never-faulting smile. My heart strings were ripped out right there and then. I grasped at my stomach. Seeing the image of her was like a physical blow. Instantly, Colin rushed to my side. I pushed him away before he could even touch me.

"You're not here to save the day, Colin."

He didn't reply as I walked from him. My eyes walked over the grounds and to the coffin. Flowers were clustered over the top with cards and photos. There was hardly an inch of it not covered. I wish I had had the privilege to get her something. I felt disrespectful, not having something to give her. Slowly, I reached up to my wrist and undid the clasp. Nan, had given me a simple, golden bracelet a few years ago, along with a gorgeous necklace.

She would have the bracelet, I will have the necklace. I smiled softly down, as if I was seeing her again. I ignored people's stares as two guards flanked my sides. I went over to the coffin and bent my head, my hair showering over my face, shielding me from everyone. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I traced my fingers across the smooth wood. I placed the bracelet onto her casket, rolling my lips into my mouth.

"I wish you didn't leave me." I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. "I really, really wish you didn't."

My tongue snaked out, moistening my lips as they had become dry. My throat was parched as I swivelled my head. My eyes connected with my grandfather's and my blood turned cold in my veins. My eyes narrowed as we stared heatedly at each other.

"Who let you come?" he asked me in a loud voice, not attempting to be subtle in any way. It quietened even more, if possible and I felt numerous gazes pierce into my skin.

"Probably the same people you made take me from my home."

"My home." he bit out bitterly, his lips spreading into a thin line. "That you treated with such disrespect it's sickening."

"Cut the crap old man." I spat. "I'm here to mourn the one person in the world I loved and respected. Unless you want to join her in an adjacent coffin, shut your trap before I put you in the ground beside her."

Gasps erupted around me and even his mouth fell open. The guards drew closer to me, making claustrophobia run up my spine. I turned, laughing humourless.

"Oh don't worry. The delinquent won't ruin the funeral. Proceed with staring at me like I'm scum on your shoes. I'm used to it by now."

I pushed past them and refused to respond to Colin's stares. I maneuvered myself over to a bench and sagged down, wedging my head between my knees. I focused on my breathing, trying not to scream.

So, this was going to be harder than I thought...

Heavy chapter... thoughts? :)

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Snapchat: laurenj_22

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