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Fortunately I didn't sign up for college classes this semester, so I didn't currently have school to worry about. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I could hardly bare getting up in the morning. I'd much prefer to stay in bed. My parents insisted that I get up each day though, and Sean would always come over to spend time with me and help me whenever I needed it.

As the days went by, I became increasingly aware of just how big a hole I now had in my life. Collin was gone. It didn't seem real at first, but it was starting to now. I took the week off at my part time job at a nearby grocery store after my brother's death. Today I was quitting. Just being there reminded me of when he and I had went grocery shopping together a couple times. I couldn't handle it. I called my boss and told him the news.

"Mr. Hansen, it's Jake," I said into the phone.

"Jake," he said tentatively, "How are you?"

"I'm fine," I replied.

"I'm sorry bud. Is there anything I can do? You take as much time as you need okay?" He was saying. I was only half listening. Mr. Hansen was a nice man. He was in his 50s and managed the store. He knew my dad and that's how I had gotten the job originally. My dad wasn't gonna be happy when he found out.

"I quit," I said evenly.

"Jake, you..wait what?" He stammered.

"I quit," I repeated. There was silence on the phone for a second.

"Are you sure that's what you want to do bud? Why don't you just take as long as you need and we'll talk about this later okay?" He reasoned.

"No, I quit. Sorry Mr. Hansen," I ended the call before he had the chance to respond. I sighed. My parents were not going to like this. I don't care. I laid back on my bed. All I wanted was to sleep forever. Maybe then I wouldn't have to feel so much pain.

I turned my T.V. on. I hadn't moved from my room much over the last week. I just didn't have the energy or the motivation. As I wrapped the blanket around myself tightly, I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and increasingly wishing that this was all a bad dream. I would wake up soon.

I didn't know how long I had been asleep when there was a knock at the door. I opened my eyes. The daylight was still streaming through the windows. It must be afternoon or something. The days had blended together. I rolled over away from the door, pretending to still be asleep. I heard the door handle turn and suddenly the bed was dipping down slightly on the one side.

"Jake what are you doing?" He sighed. His voice sounded so broken and weary. I didn't answer. "I spoke with Jim. (Mr. Hansen, my dad called him by his first name.) I don't know what to to Jake." I still wasn't looking at him. I didn't know what to say and I certainly didn't think I could stomach the look of disappointment on his face right now.

"I don't know what to do either Dad," I replied, almost whispering.

"Your mother is worried about you. I'm worried about you," he said.

"Don't. I'm fine."

"Jake just talk to me," he pleaded. I rolled over and sat up, facing him.

"What do you want me to say!?" I said, raising my voice. Dad dipped his head slightly.

"I don't know kiddo. I just..." He trailed off.

"I don't want to be there. It reminds me of him. I can't be there at that store. I just can't," I huffed. He regarded me with a look of astonishment. His eyes wide.

"How do you think we feel!? I can't do anything without thinking of Collin either-" I cut him off.

"Stop. Just stop."

"Jake laying here and dwelling on what happened isn't going to change anything. You have to try," he explained.

"I don't want to try!" I interjected, "All of this happened because of me! How am I supposed to feel!?" I cried, my eyes tearing up.

"God Jake is that what you think!? It's not your fault!" My dad was on the verge of tears now too, desperately trying to keep his composure.

"Yes it is. He wanted to go to lunch we me. He wanted to talk to me. He wanted me to trust him!" I was yelling now, my body trembling.

"What are you talking about!?" Dad asked, looking confused. "Yeah you're brother wanted to hang out with you. That doesn't mean it was your fault."

I shut my eyes tightly. I was done talking.

"Jake what can I do!? How can I make it better?" Dad asked desperately. I simply shook my head, the tears leaking out.

"You can't."

"We all miss him. We miss him so much. It's like I can't breathe. It hurts so much. I understand-" he said.

"No you don't! You weren't there. You weren't there with him! You don't understand!" I yelled. Dad closed his eyes and bit his lip. He got up off my bed.

"I'm sorry," he managed weakly, before closing the door behind him. I wiped my face angrily. I needed to get out of here. I don't want to be here right now.

I texted Sean. 'Hey can you come pick me up?' I waited for about ten minutes before he finally replied. 'I'll be there in 5,' I hurried and grabbed my crutches, propped myself up and scrambled down the hallway. I clumsily made my way down the stairs.

"Jake where are you going?" Mom asked, looking at me like she was hurt.

"Out for a while," I replied, before slipping through the door and closing it behind me. I sat down on the porch and waited for Sean to arrive.

He pulled up a couple minutes later. He left the engine running but quickly got out and made his way to me. I stood up.

"Hey," he said, smiling sympathetically at me.

"Hey. Thanks for coming," I replied.

"No problem. Is everything okay?" He asked nervously. I bit my lip.

"Yeah I just need to get out for a while. Sorry I know I'm taking up all your time," I said quickly.

"Don't worry about that. C'mon," he said as he helped me to the car. I flinched when I reached the door. Cars made what happened fresh in my mind. Sean noticed.

"Sorry," he said weakly, looking unsure. "We can walk, but...." He gestured to my leg. I rolled my eyes.

"It's fine." I got in as quickly as I could without thinking too much about it, leaning my head back once I was situated and closing my eyes. Sean got in wordlessly and we were off, presumably to his house.

I opened my eyes when I felt the car come to a stop. Sean got out of the car without saying anything and opened my door, kneeling down in front of me. I looked down at him.

"I figured you'd like some fresh air," he shrugged timidly. A small smile formed on my face. He smiled back and helped me out of the car.

We walked along slowly, mostly because of my leg. We talked lightly about random things and stopped when we got to a bench. We were at the nearby park. Sean and I used to come here a lot when we were kids. It was beautiful. The grass was always freshly cut and the trees neatly trimmed. There was a small playground nearby for kids. I took a deep breath, taking in the smell of the freshly cut lawn and sighed.

"Why are you doing all of this?" I asked quietly without looking at him. He was quiet for a little while.

"Jake you're important to me," he finally replied, fixing his gaze on me. I still didn't look at him, instead staring straight ahead.

"In what way?" I asked cautiously. He frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how am I important to you?" I asked, blinking. He looked away.

"I've known you for almost my whole life. We're best friends?" He worded it like a question, as if he thought I'd disagree with him.

"You kissed me," I said quietly, just loud enough so that he could hear. His face went red and he looked down. "Sean?" I questioned. He wouldn't look at me now.

"Jake..I," he fumbled for words, "I just. You were so hurt, and I just wanted to make you feel better. It killed me to see you that way. It still hurts, even now, knowing you're struggling and I can't make you better. I can't help you get better," he sighed.

"You don't have to fix me," I said flatly. He looked up at that.

"I simply wish I could change things for you," he sighed, looking at his hands. I looked around the park briefly, nobody else was here.

"Sean, look at me," I demanded. He looked up slowly, "You have already helped me immensely," I said, looking into those soft brown eyes, they were like chocolate, so sweet and swirly. "You're a good friend."

"I try to be here for you. I want you to know that I am no matter what. Okay?" His eyes pleaded with me.

"I know. Thanks Sean," I hugged him, "You still didn't answer my question fully though, "Why did you kiss me?" I pressed. I decided I needed to know. I did care. I could pretend all I wanted but I did care and I did like it. Maybe....maybe I liked him as more than a friend? I mean, we've held hands, he's stroked my cheek, helped me in the tub, told me sweet things, and hugged me endlessly, and I'd be totally lying to myself if I said I didn't enjoy every minute of it. He stared at me for the longest time, his expression completely unreadable. I stared back. Finally, he looked away and cleared his throat.

"I can't explain," he said, gazing out at the park. I blinked.

"What?" I croaked. He stood up, so I grabbed his arm. He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. 

"Jake I don't want to add anything to your plate right now," he reasoned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked defensively, pushing myself up off the bench without the use of my crutches. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. I don't know what happened exactly," he answered.

"I know exactly what happened! You kissed me, you've slept in my bed and held me, you've been nothing but sweet to me and you just chalk it all up to wanting to help me get over Collin's death?" I exclaimed, waving my hands around. He looked around wildly as I raised my voice.

"Jake calm down. That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean? Because that's the message I got loud and clear. Explain it then!" I didn't really know why I was angry. I guess I was hoping he would've said something different. I don't know. He looked at me as if he was about to cry, but then his face hardened. He opened his mouth to say something.

"Nevermind," he stated. I shook my head. I grabbed my crutches that were still propped up beside the bench and started hobbling away. Sean grabbed my arm.

"What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm going home," I said, shrugging him off. 

"Dammit Jake!" Sean said, running his hand over his face in frustration. "I'm not just letting you walk off alone!" He said following me. 

"Stop acting like this is my fault. You," I pointed a finger at him, "kissed me. Plain and simple."

Sean looked at me desperately. "Jake please."

"No, don't," I held my hand up, "If you can't face this that's fine, but I'm trying the best I can and I don't know what you want me to say or do. So many things have happened and I'm trying to make sense of it in my brain and you aren't helping. Why won't you just tell me what's going on with yo-" I didn't get to finsh rambling because suddenly Sean's lips were on mine. They were so soft and smooth. I immediately melted into the kiss and this time, I kissed him back. My knees wobbled. I got this funny feeling in my stomach and it made me all tingly inside. His hands went to the sides of my face as he carassed my face gently. I put my hand behind his neck and pushed him closer to me. In that moment, I didn't care if anyone was watching or what they were thinking. I didn't even know what I was thinking or what he was thinking. All I knew, was that this felt right. I never wanted it to end.

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