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Sean suddenly broke apart from the kiss, as if he realized what he was doing. He had shut me up mid-sentence by kissing me. It was every bit as cliche as it sounded but I didn't care. I wanted it. Which is why even though I was still breathing heavily from the kiss, my heart pounding in my chest, my face fell with confusion and disappointment with the way he was looking at me. I couldn't tell if it was disgust, embarrassment, or both. He shook his head slightly.

"I'm sorry," he said abruptly, without meeting my gaze. I felt like crumpling to the ground.

"Sean...I'm confused," I replied, glaring at him as hard as I could. What did he mean he was sorry? Why was he sorry? I arched an eyebrow at him, waiting for a response.

"I should take you home," he said flatly. Clearly I wasn't going to get any more out of him than that. I bit my lip, nodded my head, and hobbled over to his car. He didn't say anything or move to help me like he usually did. Instead he shuffled behind me silently. I opened the door and climbed in. Sean hopped in the driver's side and wouldn't look at me. I stared out the window in complete silence, the tension was palpable. We stayed like that the whole way back to my house, which luckily wasn't far. It felt like an eternity however, and I found myself on the verge of fresh tears.

He pulled into my driveway and put the car in park. We both stared straight ahead, both of us apparently not sure what to say or do. I moved to get out of the car, grabbing the door handle. I tried to do it slowly, in case he changed his mind and decided to talk to me again. I was fooling myself though. He didn't say anything, nor did he look at me as I shut the door and he backed out, leaving me in the driveway. He didn't look back.

I wobbled on the spot. At any moment I felt like I was going to collapse and not be able to get up. First Collin, now this? I can't deal with this. What have I done so wrong in my life? I've lost my brother and now probably my best friend. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have let him kiss me. I shouldn't have wanted it. When he helped me these past few weeks I should've rejected it. I relied on him too much and now he just left me.

Somehow I made my way up the stairs to the front porch and unlocked the front door. Shutting the door quickly, I let myself slump to the floor. I dropped my crutches and they hit the floor with a loud clatter. Brushing away the tears that were threatening to spill over, I pulled my legs up as best I could and wrapped my arms around them. I didn't care if it hurt like hell to be in this position.

My parents must've heard the loud clatter of the crutches because they were suddenly both upon me, asking me what had happened. My mom pulled me into a tight hug when I wouldn't answer their questions. It was all a haze. I'm not sure what exactly they said, because I blocked most everything out.

Walking like a zombie, I pulled myself out of her embrace silently, and began hobbling up the stairs to my room, leaving the crutches where I dropped them.

"Jake!" My dad yelled after me. I didn't answer him. "Jake what's going on?" I didn't even shake my head. My mind was nothing but an empty hole. I guess this is what rejection feels like? What was I thinking? Sean is a guy. I'm a guy. This is so messed up on so many levels. Normally if I fought with him or he pissed me off I'd just be mad and then we'd get over it later. Not this time. This felt way different. I was completely and utterly crushed, and all because he kissed me and then pulled away, effectively ripping the rug out from under me.

I threw myself on the bed and stared off into space. Nothing matters anymore. I could vaguely make out the sound of my dad knocking on my door. I blocked it out, and then I passed out.

* * * *

"Hey," a voice was swimming around in my head. I couldn't make out who's it was. "Hey Jake. Jake. Wake up. Please."

I slowly waded through my muddled subconcious. Someone was talking to me. Was I dreaming? Who was it? Whoever it was started shaking me lightly. I opened my eyes slowly.

"Oh thank god!" Dad said, hugging me tightly. "You scared me Jake! Dammit it's 3 in the afternoon!" He was saying. My face twisted slightly from the memories of yesterday. I stared off into space. It was as if I was a literal zombie, my eyes unmoving, unblinking. I could feel my Dad's eyes on me though."Jake look at me!" He demanded, his tone harsh but soft. If that's even possible. "Look at me!" He said, grabbing my chin and making me look at him. He was taken aback."Jake what happened? What's going on? Please talk to me! I'm worried out of my mind. You..you scared us. Please just say something. Please." He was begging me, his watery eyes boring into mine deeply. I blinked. He sobbed and quickly tried to stop it by bringing his hand up to his mouth, then sniffling slightly. I blinked again. "Jake please?" He was whispering now. "What can I do? I'll do anything."

"Just leave," I murmered. I wasn't sure if it was loud enough for him to hear. My own voice shocked me. It was...detached. He gaped at me briefly, regarding me with the most broken look I've ever seen. My heart wasn't broken now, it was completely smashed. He pushed himself off the bed, his eyes never leaving me as he backed away to the door.

"I love you," he said sadly. I didn't respond. Everything is my fault. If it wasn't for me Collin would still be alive, my parents wouldn't be in so much pain, and Sean wouldn't be confused and afraid. All I did was screw up things for everyone. I should've died in the accident. Not Collin. He was better than me. He deserved to live.

I looked down at the blue cast covering my leg with disgust. I hated the stupid thing. Lifting my shirt up, I observed my body, the purple and green bruises beginning to fade in the weeks since it happened. They were ugly. I was ugly. Nothing but a hideous reminder of Collin's death.

I don't remember grabbing my phone and texting him, but I did. 'You're better off without me.' The message had been sent. It was as if I was in a trance. I dragged myself into the bathroom. Looking at my face in the mirror, I didn't recognize who I saw looking back at me.

Turning the faucet in the tub on, I plugged the drain and let it fill. Sean had always helped me get in before, but I could do it myself this time. I just need to relax and forget about everything. My mind was strangely blank at the moment. Barren of any thoughts. Taking the opportunity, I put one leg over the edge and into the warm water, moving over and flopping down on my back, leaving my cast propped up. I made it. I didn't need Sean. I could do it myself.

"Jake are you getting in the tub? Do you need help?" My asked through the door.

"No," I replied, closing my eyes and relaxing. She didn't say anything else.

* * * *

"Jake! Jake! Oh my god! Jake. Please! Please! Oh god! No!" I couldn't tell who it was. I think it was my mom, but I couldn't be sure. Everything was black. Occasionally something would flash through my mind, but then it would disappear again. I figured I was just dreaming.

* * * *

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. I inhaled deeply, a musty smell filling my nostrils. My eyelids were so heavy. I felt as though I couldn't lift them up. I just wanted to sleep. My throat was extremely dry and scratchy, my lips chapped and peeling.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. What is that annoying sound! Make it stop! I thought.

"I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to say how sorry I am," a voice said suddenly. It sounded familiar. "I should've just talked to you." It was Sean. I wanted to see him, but my eyelids still felt so heavy. Instead I simply listened to his voice. "I had no idea...I was selfish Jake," he paused. For a while I thought he left, but then I didn't hear the door open or anything. "I was scared. I am scared. I didn't know what was happening, and maybe I still don't, but please, please open your eyes. I can't....I can't lose you. Please." He sobbed quietly. Suddenly I was aware of my hand in his.

I gathered all of the will I had and forced my eyelids open. I squinted in the bright light. I was in the hospital again. What happened? I don't remember anything. I swept my gaze around the room until I found Sean. He was on my right side, his hand grasping mine. his head bent over. I could feel his breathe on my knuckles.

"Hey," I managed weakly, my voice scratchy. His head shot up.

"Jake!?" He looked at me as if he didn't believe I was looking at him. The realization sweeping across his face. "Oh my god Jake," He lowered his face onto my chest and started crying. I automatically began ruffling his hair with my free hand.

He looked up suddenly, sniffling. "I need to tell your parents you're awake. You scared us all," he was saying as he got to his feet. He went to let go of my hand but I held onto it. His red and puffy eyes looked at my intensely. "I'll be right back," he assured. Nodding, I released his hand. He quickly shuffled out the door.

A few minutes later he returned with my parents. They burst into the room faster than I thought was possible. They both hugged me silently at the same time. Sean stood behind them watching longingly.

"Oh honey I'm so glad you're alright!" My mom cried, wrapping her arms fiercely around me. They sat on my bed on each side. Sean moved over to the foot. All of them were focusing on me so intensely I felt as though I might suffocate.

"What happened?" I asked hoarsely. The three of them exchanged nervous glances.

"We don't know," Dad said. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I got in the bath on my own," I answered.

"We found you in the tub sweetheart," Mom said, looking at me with a look of pain and sadness. "You wouldn't answer after you'd been in there for 3 hours. You're dad broke down the door," she explained, her voice catching. Dad nodded, he looked so tired.

"You must've passed out. We called an ambulance," he said, glancing back at Sean briefly. I couldn't quite tell what the look was, but I'm sure it had something to do with us. I was suddenly sick to my stomach. My parent's must've found out about Sean and I. They realized why I was so out of it last night.

"I'm sorry for last night." I said, "I didn't mean to cause any more pain." My mom gave me a withering look.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Is this all because of Collin?" He asked gently. I furrowed my brow.

"What do you mean?" I asked, Sean bit his lip and avoided my gaze. I focused back on my dad.

"I mean what happened last night? You were out of it Jake. It's like it wasn't even you," he said. I shrugged slightly, suddenly finding my hands very interesting.

"Jake? Why can't you trust us? We're here to help you in any way we can." I looked up.

"I felt like shit. It's my fault," I responded quietly.

"Oh sweetheart no it isn't," said my mom, giving me another sad look.

"Yeah Jake. It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm the one who hurt you," Sean interjected. I grimaced. My parents didn't know about that. Why was he talking about what happened between the two of us right before I went home?

"Sean." I warned, but he just shook his head. My parents watched us with interest, but kept silent.

"Jake. I was stupid. I just was afraid of what was happening. But you scared the hell out of me. None of what I was scared of matters. None of it," Sean explained. My eyes widened. Any minute my parents were going to freak out and ask what the hell he was saying.

"You are the greatest friend I've ever had. You're more important to me than you'll ever realize, and I can never ever apologize to you enough for making you.." He trailed off.

"I didn't do anything to myself," I said sternly. "I was just in the tub."

Everyone regarded me carefully.

"The doctor said that you were most likely overwhelmed with exhaustion," dad said carefully. "When's the last time you at something?"

"Uh..." I stammered.

"Or slept?" My mom asked. I just looked at all of them. They were right. I most likely passed out from not eating and sleeping. Sean looked at me and I couldn't read his expression.

"Jake?" He asked.

"Yeah?" I replied carefully. I was so unsure of Sean now. His big chocolate brown eyes were fixed so intensely on me I began to fidget with my fingers nervously.

"When your doctor says you can leave, and if it's alright with your parents, will you have lunch with me? I need to talk to you." He asked, almost embarrassed.

Why was Sean so formal? And why were my parents smiling to themselves? I was suddenly super nervous about everything? What did everyone think of me? I'm so messed up. My mind was an endless swirl of questions and confusion.

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