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Chapter Twenty-Three: Maggie

I asked Jess to drive me back to my place, not wanting to speak another word to Evan let alone look at him or even be in the same space as him.

I don't care if he had waited for me in the parking lot after classes, but knowing him, he probably knew I was planning to keep my distance so he didn't even bother because, for some reason, he always seems to know everything about me.

Down to what I might be thinking all the way to what I might be feeling, he always feels the need to know everything about me even though he's as far off as he could be.

Are you sure about that, though? Is he really that far off?

I shake my head to get rid of my cynical inner voice, looking out the window of Jess's car to see that we've already arrived at my place "Thanks for the ride, Jess." I say, smiling at her.

She smiles back "It's okay, anything for a friend, just be sure to relax for the day, as I've said before, he'll come around. You don't have to constantly stress over him, he's not worth it."

I couldn't help but chuckle "The sudden transition from supporting him all the way to bashing the shit out of him, though."

"That's what friends do, don't get me wrong, I care about him and I don't think he's completely hopeless, but it's not my obligation to defend him all the time. Especially when he deserves to be called out," she explained, which made me feel envious for the first time, considering people like this actually exist who aren't biased when it comes to their friends and choose sides.

"You couldn't have said it any better." I said, sighing "I'm just so darn sick of this, you know? It's like we're always at war with each other, we're never on the same page."

Jess bit her lower lip in thought "I know, Maggs. I guess it's just a natural human instinct for us to put people in these roles that aren't even them, that once they step out of that character, we're only bound to misunderstand and to be misunderstood."

"I think the most approachable solution to do now is to just clear the air and show him who you are and let him show who he is. So that in the end, there are no misinterpretations, just acceptance." she advised, "For we tend to ridicule the things that we don't understand."

She gently took my hand in hers, squeezing it "But you don't have to keep trying though if you feel like you and Evan are just too different, spare yourself the trouble and move on. You can't keep trying to make excuses for a person who keeps making the same mistakes over and over."

I let her words sink in and ponder over it, nodding "I'll think about it."

With that, she gives me one last smile before I get out of her car and we bid each other farewell, watching her car drive off from the streets of my neighborhood until she was out of plain sight, but somehow I still find myself staring at nothing with one thought in mind.

Is he really worth it?

I let my mind wander over that simple question as if my life depended on it because one part of my brain keeps disagreeing, but the other half... it isn't necessarily agreeing as well.

Like it knows that the more logical part of my mind is right, but she's reluctant, and she doesn't know why she is. As if she so desperately wants to pick the right route, to be smarter than this, because she knows she is, and she knows how to end this. But how come she can't?

How come I can't?

"Honey? Is that you?"

I step inside the house and am immediately welcomed by my mother and her beaming gaze and warm smile, but as soon as she sees me something in her expression dims. She knows.

"Maggie, are you okay?" she asked as I remained silent, my mind still racing and I can't seem to focus on my surroundings because, for some reason, the only thing I can think about is him "Honey?" she called out to me once more.

I looked up at my mom, feeling my voice tremble as I spoke:

"M-mom? Can I talk to you about something?"

* * *

I knew there was no other person I could talk about this with aside from my mother.

I've never really spoken to my mom about feelings that I couldn't understand before, thinking I'd be able to figure them out all on my own because I viewed feelings as more like equations that needed to be solved rather than what they actually are.

Pain, anger, sadness, confusion, and love, all of it.

I always thought I understood them when in reality, I was just as confused as any other teenager my age who thought they got the whole world figured out just because they felt too deeply.

I was and probably still am that teenager, but at least now I'm willing to ask someone about it who's mature enough to both listen and tell me what's right.

She sat me down in her study room with genuine concern in her eyes "What is it that you needed to talk to me about?" she asked in a soft voice.

I felt my throat clog up as if something was knotting from the inside of my esophagus, it was dreadful and I was forcing myself to let the words spill past my lips.

But it was harder than I thought. "I j-just... I've been going through a lot lately."

She looked at me with doe-eyed interest as she tilted her head "What is it about? Is it about school? Have you been stressing out over the abundance of work you were given?"

I shook my head, feeling coerced to get this over with "N-no."

She examined me thoroughly almost as if she were to stare at me long enough, she'll be able to figure out what's going on all on her own "Is it about the engagement?"

I clenched my fists on my lap.

She narrowed her gaze "... Is this about Evan?"

And that's when I cracked.

It was as easy to tell her everything just as much as it was hard at first not to, I was choking on my own words and now it's as if I'm a broken hydrant spilling amongst a dry-pavement, the words flowing out and I couldn't seem to stop. For once, I was opening up to my mother.

"I-it's just been hard. I've kept this away from you thinking I could handle it but it's getting harder and harder to manage because Evan and I are so... different."

"All we do is fight and argue over the littlest of things and yet every time I try to convince myself that I could handle it's as soon as we make up, and I know it's stupid and that it would be easy just to ignore him, considering we're not obligated to get along but..." I paused, trying to recollect myself as I inhaled a deep breath.

"I don't know, maybe it's because this engagement won't fly by in a breeze, and it would only be understandable if we try to get along to prevent the idea of getting on each other's nerves for three straight years, then again, it would just be easier not to try at all."

Throughout my rant, she never once deterred her gaze away from me as I kept going "So I keep asking myself that, why try when you're not getting anything out of this? Then recently, I felt these weird emotions seeing him with another girl that I just couldn't understand..."

Something flashed in her expression as I looked up to face her "Then I kept trying to figure it out, and it's crazy when I finally got that smallest hunch of what I might be feeling because it was so unbelievable, so unrealistic, and yet... I couldn't figure out any other answer to it than just that."

I bit my lip, shaking my head in shame "It was so impossible because all we ever do is fight and make up and get under each other's skins, so why try to come back to that? Why try and come back to something that drives you absolutely mad and yet, the idea of walking away from it almost feels unbearable?"

She clenched her jaw as I sniffed, closing my eyes as I felt them sting "I'm so confused." I said in a strained voice, the same time she circled her arms around me "I'm just so confused because you shouldn't be feeling this way towards someone who isn't good for you."

She sighed, rubbing my shoulder "You're still so young, Maggie. So young and you're still trying to figure out what you want in life, you have always closed yourself off from other people and never let anyone see much of what's beyond the surface of what you really felt, and maybe that's why as much you find this.. bond, you have with Evan difficult, every time that you open up to him, little by little, you unlock a part of yourself that you didn't know existed."

"Maybe that's why a part of you wants him gone but another part of you still wants to give him chance after chance." she said, "But that doesn't mean he deserves it."

I open my eyes as a tear falls, looking up at her "I was like you once," she said "Thinking I wanted one thing just because it felt different, just because it felt so brand new and liberating, but that's the essence of youth. With everything so wide and open for you, that even bad choices start to appear like good risks, you start to make a habit out of wishful thinking."

She cupped my cheek and caressed it soothingly "Maybe it's because you isolated yourself from people and from possibilities that once this boy, this boy who's so different from what you're used to suddenly enters the picture, he's everything you've dreaded but at the same time, everything you ever wished for deep down."

"But you know what they say," she continued "Be careful about what you wish for."

I hung my head real low, not knowing what to say "Back then, it was so easy just to criticize you and your choices when it came to dad thinking that I knew better, but all this time, I just never experienced it because I thought I'd be able to avoid this, to be strong enough to avoid this."

I feel myself getting choked. "I'm so sorry I ever thought that what you went through was easy, I always thought it was all business and getting a divorce when in reality, it was so much more than that."

I'm fully crying now at this point, all the while as I feel my mother wrap her arms around me as I shake and tremble in her hold "Now that I know what it feels like, I realize that it was never that fucking easy even when I thought it was."

She tightens her hold on me "But that doesn't mean you deserve it. No one does." and I could easily distinguish the sound of her voice breaking and know from there that I wasn't the only one in pain right now.

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