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Chapter Twenty-Five: Maggie

I don't wanna be cliche, but kissing Evan Williams is the literal definition of something that seems so wrong but feels so right.

With his lips against mine, it felt almost as if time just stood still for both of us, for us to indulge at this moment in all of its tantalizing flaws and risks, for it is exhilarating and raw but at the same time so frail that at any moment, it can just stop.

It was a heaven that was filling up with too much sin.

With my hands on his face and my eyes closed, I connected with Evan in a way I've never been able to before, with us always fighting and arguing, we rarely find ourselves in predicaments that are so intimate and strong.

Let alone kissing one another.

Somehow, despite the act being so simple yet daring, I slowly let myself unravel him in a way I've never been able to before because for once, he wasn't pulling himself back.

He wasn't putting up his usual guarded persona, the one who pushes everyone away and can never let himself experience intimacy. Because for once, I saw sides of him that have always been there but were just too afraid to let themselves show.

Such as his need to always be close even when both he and I are as close as can be, always tugging at my waist and pulling my head down to kiss me much deeper. I discovered that as much as Evan Williams is in denial about the idea he does, in fact, want to be intimate with someone.

He was dominant, rough but at the same time gentle, wanting to gain permission from me first if what he was planning to do was okay, and once I gave him that permission, he went all in.

He doesn't waste time. He knows what he wants, and right now, he wants me.

... But do I? Do I want this?

When the situation finally came to a different light inside my head, the kind that doesn't see it as exhilarating and euphoric anymore but instead, bold and reckless, and how we are literally breaking so many boundaries right now, did the significance of the moment finally dared me to pull away.

We shouldn't be doing this.

Evan was confused as soon as I pulled myself away from him, his eyes turning from utterly dazed to absolutely puzzled, to extremely goddamn mortified. Even he knew it was a mistake.

"D-did I do something?" he stammered "What happened?"

I shook my head, gently pushing him away "N-no, it's not you."

"Then what is it?" he asked, "Is there something wrong-"

"Yes! There is!" I exclaimed, gesturing to us both "This! Right here! This is wrong!"

He blinked at me, the confusion on his face deepening and I only grew excruciatingly frustrated with the way he was unable to understand the point I was trying to get.

"This is wrong, Evan." I pointed it out to him "We shouldn't be kissing because we obviously mistook the feeling of the moment for something else."

"Which is?" his tone was somehow defensive.

I threw my hands up in the air, trying to make it seem as if I knew what I was talking about "I don't know! A sentimental one for sure, but not a romantic one!"

"Is it so hard to believe that it was though?" he ventured, "A romantic tension?"

My eyes widened at his insinuation "You can't be serious, what reason is it for us to feel remotely attracted to one another? We've never had a reason to be intimate!"

He stared me down with a determined gaze "Are you sure about that? Or maybe it was just you."

I furrowed my eyebrows "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He clenched his jaw, pulling himself up from the pool as he stalked over towards me, and it's not because I was afraid that he'll initiate another moment for us to regret is why I backed away, it's because there's this indescribable force between us that has now arisen that for some reason, couldn't seem to go away. It was magnetic.

Especially now as he walked himself towards me, pinning me down with his steely gaze as I swallowed at the lump forming in my throat with the way he's staring.

"Are you sure that we've never felt a single damn thing about each other for us to be intimate?" he implied "Or maybe it was just you?"

I chuckled dryly at his implication "What? So you're telling me there's some sort of one-sided romance between us both that I never noticed?"

He didn't answer.

And just like that, the moment itself seemed a lot more severe than it was a few minutes ago, because this time, it really did feel like we've dug ourselves into a hole we won't be able to pull ourselves out of anytime soon. For this one seemed a lot more personal.

"Stop joking around, Williams. Seriously." I told him "Stop trying to perpetuate things that aren't real, something that can never happen between us."

"Why can't something happen between us? Why does it seem like such a crime to you?"

"Because it is!" I cried out "I can't do this with you, Evan! I just broke up with Levi for crying out loud-"

"Who the fuck cares about Levi? He isn't here anymore, stop trying to use him as an anchor to let yourself stay in the past, stop trying to use him as a reason to not start anything with me, and stop trying to fool yourself into thinking that you want him back when you've long ago decided you never wanted him in the first place."

"Then who the fuck is it that I want, huh?" I hissed at him.

He looked down at me, unnerving "I think it's up to you to already know that, Maggie."

I was at war with myself because for the first time I didn't know what to feel and what I should be feeling, he's always had this effect on me, to make me feel conflicted about my own emotions thinking he knew what I was going through because even I didn't know what I was supposed to feel and what I am feeling.

"Don't do this to me right now, Williams. I'm sick of this, I'm sick of you always playing with my emotions thinking that you know better. This is why that kiss was wrong because we barely know each other yet we feel the need to act as if we do, that we end up doing shit like this."

"If that's how it is, why go along with it? Because I knew damn well the reason why I went in for that kiss is that at that moment I felt like I knew you and what you wanted, and if you're so against it why did you shake your head? Why did you give in?"

He closed the gap between us and a sense of deja vu struck as I felt my breath hitch "You may think we might have mistaken that moment for something else, but sometimes denial is just our brain's way of telling us that you need to do something to play things safe, but deep down you know what you fucking want. You know it, you just don't wanna admit it."

He licked his lips as his eyes darted towards my own, and my heartbeat was pounding like crazy at this point because one minute ago I thought I had set my mind straight of what was wrong and what was right, but now? Thinking rationally seemed almost impossible.

"You may think that sudden tension we had earlier was simply platonic... but deep down, both you and I know it wasn't. For once, stop lying to yourself." he insisted, and the strained persistence in his tone made me doubt my conviction. For a second, it did.

But was I really willing to make all of this harder just for a moment's worth of doubt over something that may or may not even be true? No, I won't.

"And how about for once you stop trying to force something that isn't even there? Because there is nothing between the two of us and I am not lying to myself, Evan." I hissed "I am not lying when I say that kiss was a mistake, and will only ever be a mistake."

His face fell and I couldn't help the piercing ache that shot through my heart due to the sight, because I didn't want it to be this brutal, I didn't want it to come to this, but it had to.

It had to because if it didn't, we'd be making so many mistakes that we'll end up regretting.

So with a stoic expression to establish my judgment, I turned on my heel and walked off, leaving him there with a heavy heart as I didn't want to endure this much longer. Because I knew as much as I was doing this for the both of us, it still hurt that I left him out in the shadows.

That I was walking away from him knowing he was in a condition of post-rejection, but I had no choice. I had to say what I really feel, and what I felt now was anything but certain.

Was I certain that I really wanted that kiss? I don't know.

Did I go along with it because that prolonged moment where it felt so personal and saccharine between the two of us due to the overflowing secrets that I've had bottled up for so long which I've only ever opened up about to him and him only, felt so significant that I thought it was so much more? Maybe. Definitely maybe.

But right now, I am in no place to know what I want.

He may know what he wants, and he may have craved that kiss as much as he thought I did, but I'm not like him. I'm not impulsive and I'm most certainly not committed to the risks that I take.

And whether he likes it or not, he has to understand.

* * *

Ever since he left and I went into my room to sulk, it's almost as if my mind was bound to revolve around the memory of that kiss and that kiss only.

I tossed and turned on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as I closed my eyes and reminisced the feeling of his lips, his rough hands against my hips, and his breath staggering to try and compose himself, the droplets of water against his skin rubbing against my own, causing my entire body to heat up at the memory of how it all felt.

I placed a hand on my chest to try and steady my own breathing, but it was no use. I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's wrong and I still can't properly process the fact how we had taken it upon ourselves to do such a thing when we had no reason to act that way.

"Are you sure that we've never felt a single damn thing about each other for us to be intimate?"

"Or maybe it was just you?"

No, there's just no way. I hate him, we got along at one point for sure, but we were always at each other's throats. Literally, a few hours ago we were fighting about how wrong it was for either one of us to get involved with other people, considering we were engaged.

Meaning we were only supposed to be with each other.

"Why is that? The way you're sounding now, being so harsh about the contract sounds more as if there's more to your reasons than just being loyal to what was established professionally."

No! I shouldn't let his misinterpretation of my actions derail me into thinking I had misconceived intentions when I didn't. There's just no reason for us to feel like that.

To be jealous, possessive, and passionate about one another.

He's only ever made me feel crazy and frustrated, and I've only ever driven him insane. We drive each other mad, and yet we feel the need to come back to each other and do this.

I don't know what it is that keeps forcing us to go back to where we left off, he only ever gave me reasons to stay away from him and I only ever gave him reasons to stay away.

So why? Why does it have to be complicated when it shouldn't?

* * *

I avoided him for the next couple of days.

Yes, it's a shitty and cowardly move for me to do, but imagine kissing your goddamn rival whom you swore you'd hate for all eternity, and him telling you there was a possible one-sided romance between you two that you were never able to pick up on?

If by some idiotic way I have been gullible and oblivious this entire time over something I had no control over, I see no reason why I can't act the same now.

The difference is? I'm finally aware of the fucking elephant in the room.

Trust me, it's harder to ignore something now that you're aware of its existence and it won't stop trailing behind you wherever the hell you go. In between classes, during breakfast, lunch, and dinner, it's all I ever think about and it's goddamn torture.

I know it must be hard for him because every time I see him I know he's desperate to want to talk it out with me, to be reasonable, and discuss our feelings like adults.

Who's to think that at one point, Evan Williams would be the one taking this role over me? The sensible and persistent one, the one who's mature enough to resolve what needs to be fixed?

He's trying and I can see that, but right now, I'm still attempting to figure out my troubles and how I'm handling my own feelings towards this problem.

He's sure of what he feels, and I don't, and I need to be sure if this sudden bond that we have is more than just a friendship, or if my adoration for his growth and maturity lately really is just platonic, and that I'm just proud and happy to see us getting closer because for once, we've made common grounds. Maybe we just looked at it differently...

Then again, there's also this other part of me that disagrees.

This part of me that's always adored him and his little quirks even before his gradual development as a person, but I was just too scared to let myself admit that.

Such as his eagerness, his stubbornness, and the way he makes it seem like arguing with me isn't the end of the world because, at the end of the day, there's this quiet reassurance that he'll come back. Even if it's chaotic, even if it gets me so riled up, I loved it even when I hated it.

And in a way, maybe it's like that again this time.

When I thought it was wrong when in reality, it felt so right.

When I thought it was the best for us when in reality, it was anything but.

When I thought I had hated him, when in reality...

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