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Chapter Twenty-Six: Evan

She hasn't been talking to me ever since the kiss at the pool.

Which for the most part is understandable considering she has always been quite indecisive and careful with her decisions, rarely ever being spontaneous, and usually tends to plan her actions ahead of time. So when that kiss happened, I'm not surprised she's taking the time to figure out what she feels about it, let alone what her feelings are about us in general.

But that doesn't mean it's not a jab at my self-esteem, because it is. A couple of days ago everything felt so surreal and amazing the moment we shared that kiss back at her place, it was a one-in-a-million type of moment that was inevitably disrupted by a million different reasons for it to not happen ever again.

I don't know if her saying that kiss was a mistake was just her way of saying "It was wrong, I'm doing this for the both of us even though it's not what I want." or really just saying "I didn't like that kiss, it was a mistake, I shouldn't have done it. I was just caught up in the moment."

Not gonna lie, reconsidering the latter seemed almost painful. To think if that really was what she meant, that the possibility of us being anything but platonic was absurd, and she'd rather not talk to me at all than to instigate something she's not even sure she wants.

Because I know what I want, and I want that kiss to be what it is and I want it to be serious, I want it to be special and I want it to be something we shouldn't be avoiding.

It's desperate, I know, but if she's really adamant about not reciprocating those same feelings back, who am I to force someone to return my feelings when they're not the same?

It was an unpleasant thought to have to live with, but if you really cared about what role a person has to take in your life, you have to accept their answer even if it's something you don't want to come to terms with.

Even if it hurts you because even if it was one-sided, it wouldn't be real if it stays that way forever.

Even though we've only ever fought back and forth these past couple of months and reconciled, those moments were as real as can be. We never faked being fed up with each other, neither did we fake wanting to give each other chance after chance time and time again.

And it shouldn't be any different now even if our feelings don't revolve around hatred for once.

But still, there's this one voice inside my head that begs me to disagree. One where it's aware that Maggie is only doing this to play things safe because that's what she always does even though it's not what she wants.

How she gave in to that kiss even though I told her I'll stop if she wanted me to, but she kept going but for some reason stopped either way, probably because it took her a little bit longer to realize the negative aspects of what we were doing.

Because that's how she is, she's a realist, she never allows herself to speak up about what she feels not until someone really urges her to, but even then, she's doubtful and immediately regrets it.

But I don't want that. If she's mad at me, I want her to stay mad at me and not think that defending herself is selfish because it's not.

If she wants to be mad at someone but thinks it's wrong to make the problem all about her, she damn right should because it is more about her than it is about them.

For once, I want her to do what her heart wants her to do.

For once, I want her to stop being a realist.

For once, I want her to feel.

Because God knows I started to.

* * *

That doesn't mean just because you want something, you'll get it, though.

Because after that kiss, the next few days that followed consisted of her dodging my approaches and acting as if I never existed. Either if it's in school, outside of school, or anywhere else in particular, and it's making me lose my goddamn mind.

Like I get it, it's okay if she wants to act like that kiss never happened and agrees that we should stay being friends who hate each other from time to time, but acting as if I never existed at all?

At this point, I feel like she's turning that into a hobby.

I understand the pressure it must feel knowing that we need to talk about it one way or another because it's not like it's something we can just casually bring up and resolve right away, but that shouldn't mean it has to remain taboo for God knows how long because we have to talk about it.

It's gonna be uncomfortable, yes, but I need to make myself sane again by finally knowing where we stand as individuals. To know what we feel about each other because it shouldn't stay unknown or complicated, at one point we have to label it.

Or maybe we shouldn't have to label it at all, maybe we should just establish the fact that nothing will happen between us and we never will have a label of any sort.

I'd rather know we'd have nothing than to feel like I am nothing to her.

But whenever I try to pull her aside she always acts like I'm a stranger and that she wants nothing to do with me by simply disregarding my existence. She said the kiss was a mistake, sure, I can accept that, but I don't think it's fair for her to act as if I have never existed at all.

I want her to say to my face "I don't ever wanna talk to you anymore, Evan. What we did has caused so much awkward tension that it's hard to go back to where we left off."

At least with that, I'd know that kiss really did destroy us, but if it only dented us to the point she's just avoiding me to avoid talking about it, we have to fucking talk about it.

Because if it was really a problem we can't fix, she'll tell me. She's like that.

But she tends to run away from her problems when she still hasn't figured out what she wants, it's a habit I've picked up from her and it's best to just help her by getting it over with.

I texted her this morning telling her I needed to talk to her. It's currently Wednesday, and lunch has just started but due to my unrelenting determination to try and talk to her, safe to say I'm not only losing my patience but my appetite as well.

Despite acting as if I've vanished from the face of the earth, she has been keeping in touch with Ashley and Jess considering they have gotten incredibly close ever since I introduced her to them, and it's great because at least without her original friends around anymore, she has people to talk to.

But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna take advantage of the fact Jess and Ashley are my friends as well.

But due to their outstanding loyalty not to blab about personal girl problems, they basically told me to fuck off and give Maggie some time until she decides when she wants to talk.

Which honestly? I admire that because my friends have always been objective when it comes to issues regarding any of us, they aren't biased and they do genuinely like Maggie and at this point, she kinda molded with our group.

But that still doesn't mean it doesn't make me wanna tear my hair off.

As I roamed around the school's parking lot, phone in hand whilst considering my options, I stared at my screen and the chat bubbles with much-unneeded frustration.

"Come on, Maggie," I sighed "Talk to me, please."

So far, she's only looked at my messages but made no plan to respond to them, and if there's one thing that agitates me more, it's being ghosted by someone.

Like, come on, who doesn't?

As I strolled around the empty parking lot, I didn't acknowledge my surroundings nor if anyone was around me, due to how my eyes were simply glued to my phone.

Look what you're doing to me, Carter.

"... Wow, look who we have here." a voice declared "Isn't it the man himself, Evan Williams."

Lifting my eyes from my phone, my gaze immediately falls on a group of male students, their familiar faces and brown leather jackets causing a sense of bitterness to wash over me as I clenched my jaw at the sight of them.

The Greasers.

There were five of them. Robert, Mitch, Adrian, Charles, and Ken. They were the Notorious Five and leveled with me in terms of being infamous around Henderson High.

They were caught hoarding different types of substances such as drugs and alcohol in the school's territory in the past and usually tend to cause a ruckus just for the heck of it.

I may not have the cleanest record but there's no denying the fact that these guys are worse than me by a whole different level, they were troublesome and obviously have no intention of reevaluating either their actions or lives in general anytime soon.

That, and it wasn't only just them exclusively. They accumulated tons of other individuals in their rotten circle, one of which included my recent ex, Mandy.

Memories of her never fail to make me feel ashamed of myself, a sudden churn of guilt bubbling inside me and I was instantly reminded of my conversation with Maggie about her.

Reminding me that I have to actually act like a decent man for once and apologize for what I did to her during our breakup soon. It was a shitty thing that I've done and I don't blame the noticeable rage and disgust in the Notorious Five's eyes as they stared me down.

"Robert, Mitch, Adrian, Charles, Ken." I addressed them nonchalantly "Long time no see."

"Long time no see, indeed." Robert replied, nodding curtly "You've been a lot more silent these days, usually we hear from you three times a week doing something crazy." I chuckled at that "Probably treating some girl like shit or beating some poor guy up."

I instantly stopped as my face hardened. "I don't think it's fair to base past actions on who I am as a person, that shit shouldn't define me."

"It should when they're royally fucked up." Robert countered back as he shook his head "You can try to change all you want, but you can't deny the things that you've done, there are still those parts of you, Evan."

"At least I'm not a druggie who's one suspension away from getting expelled. I heard daddy wasn't able to save you out of that one, with the amount of coke you've been hoarding."

He didn't look one bit offended as he kept his expression neutral, the ends of his lips curling up in amusement "At least I'm not some asshat who hits their ex-girlfriend."

I felt my throat dry up and heart pound at the memory, and though the memory itself never fails to taunt nor chastise me, hearing it again from other people still sends that wave of guilt and resentment that's always gonna be there. That's one thing Robert got right.

"Judging from the look on your face now, it seems as though even you're aware of how fucking disgusting you are," he said with venom dripping off his tone.

"It's fucked up, I know." I admitted, "Trust me, there's not a day where I don't regret what I had done to Mandy."

"Oh, but do you? Do you really regret it?" he said, "Do you really regret making my sister feel like shit when all she ever did was love you, and you made it seem as if it was her fault?"

"I do, Robert. I really do. That's why if you just give me the chance to apologize to her-"

"You're not going anywhere near my fucking sister if it's the last thing I know." he hissed, taking a step forward "I swear if you even utter a word to her, I will end you."

I didn't feel threatened at what he said, as a matter of fact, I didn't feel anything other than shame because I understood why he would be outraged about the idea of me approaching Mandy.

I was a complete jackass to her and if anything, I deserved this. I deserved this more than I would want to admit it.

I was immature and vile, and so help me God it doesn't have to take this much time for a man to realize he shouldn't do what I have done, that's why I don't blame Robert at all, because at least he's reasonable enough to relentlessly call me out on it, I'll give him that.

"I know, but I just wanted to let her know how much I regret it. After being told by someone how much my actions fucked her up, I just never stopped feeling like shit about it."

Robert was silent for a moment, processing my words "By someone you mean that Maggie girl?"

I was taken aback, surprised that he even knew her "How do you..."

"I gotta say, I wouldn't be surprised if that chick finally set you straight. I heard she dated Levi for quite some time not until they broke up because of you." he said with a taunting grin "You say you've changed yet you're still out here getting involved in other people's business."

"That's not-" I bellowed before I stopped myself from raising my voice, not wanting to get too personal because I know once I do, I'll make it seem like he won me over "-the story, I didn't steal her from anybody and they broke up because he assumed the worst of her. We're not dating and she's a great girl."

For some reason, something in Robert's eyes flashed as I said that, and from what I've noticed it seemed to be bitterness "Oh, I bet she is, probably much better than my sister considering you actually care about her? Despite her not being your girlfriend?"

"That's not-"

"Oh, don't try to sugarcoat it. I mean, from the looks of it, the chick doesn't look half that bad."

The other guys around him laughed in what seemed to be a crude response to his words, and I couldn't help but feel this sudden need of protectiveness over her. They were reacting to her as if she was something to objectify.

"She's quite the opposite really. Nice eyes, nice body..." the ends of his lips tugged up even more into a mischievous grin as he continued "Great ass."

"Can you not?" I growled despite being aware of his intention to offend me.

"Why not? I'm just complimenting the girl. She does have a great ass, am I right, fellas?" Robert continued as the guys howled, and by then my blood pressure was off the fucking roof "God, just picturing it from those days where I would catch her in her PE clothes. I gotta say, you got quite the catch, Evan. I'll tell you that."

The guys agreed as he stalked towards me, and somehow the atmosphere seemed a lot more heated than it was a while ago, as I dared him with my eyes to continue. Because if he does, I swear to God, I will not hold back.

... But as I expected from this motherfucker, he does.

"Bet it feels real tight too, huh?"

One second led to another, all I could seem to register after he said that was that I was the one who threw the first punch as I tackled him onto the ground. My head buzzing and adrenaline kicking in as nothing but complete and utter rage consumed me.

Fuck being a decent man for a second. 

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