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Chapter Thirty-Nine: Maggie

I can't have you walking out on me too.

Closing my eyes, I tightly gripped my hair in despair as I sat here on the floor of my bedroom, feeling the most suffocated I have ever felt in a long time as I let the painful sound of Evan's voice begging me to let him in consume me, but much to his dismay, I do no such thing.

I've been sitting on this floor for God knows how long, not saying a single word even though all Evan has ever done within the past hour has been pleading with me to hear him out.

But again, I was stubborn and overly emotional, two of the most destructive combinations to ever instill in me because it's either I'm forcing myself to not give anyone shit or I'm one apology away from opening the door and jumping back into his arms.

I know, it's pathetic.

But can you blame me? Everything was going so well until all of this came crashing down into our lives like a huge bucket of water forcing us to wake up from our daydream.

Because it's either you get one thing you're forced to accept or you get none of it at all because isn't that how all of this started?

I didn't want Evan in my life but I had to adjust to the idea of having him around as a way to maintain this engagement, but then I started to feel a certain way about him that made me wanna reconsider my own feelings and just when I was starting to warm up to him...

Boom! Just like that, everything fell apart for the worse. But not for the unexpected.

Call me cynical, but these types of things are just bound to happen when it comes to me and deep down I was sort of bracing myself for it, especially considering I knew right from the beginning working things out with Evan wasn't going to be easy.

At one point, I thought it would be but then it just wasn't. But I didn't think it would be like this.

To be this difficult, draining, and tormenting. I was telling myself before this that I was willing to give this a shot even though Evan and I have already gone through so much that it would only be reasonable if we just stayed as enemies.

Or just two people who are only meant to exist in each other's lives because my mother wants something from his parents and his parents want something from me.

It was either that because we never really had anything to fight for.

We were never lovers, we weren't even friends...

We were simply just two people who thought that they could make this work.

Whatever this may be.

It didn't feel like love, it didn't feel like infatuation, it was just one thing that completely morphed into something else.

Sure, there was a sense of understanding and connection along the way that could merely translate to us getting along because, in hindsight, we weren't so different.

We did so much in this fleeting amount of time of being engaged then we've ever had with the people we've been involved with whom we bonded much longer in the past.

I guess in a way there really was a thin line between whatever the hell made us want to drive ourselves off a cliff from whatever made us want to crawl back to the other person in the end.

Maybe it's because he saw something in me that he wanted to hold onto, as much as I saw so much in him that I wanted to unveil.

"Maggie?"

Cracking my eyes open, the feeling of my now drying tears made me feel more disoriented with my surroundings as much as Evan's hoarse voice that cracked through the atmosphere like a dulled knife, for it was both painful and excruciating to listen to.

I'm surprised he hadn't left, I'd thought by now either Frank and mom would have seen him outside my room and gladly led him out of the house considering they would've gotten the memo that he was not welcomed here at all.

But it seems like his determination was just as strong as my own.

Just go away, Evan. It's for the better.

"I know you're thinking that what you're doing now is for the best," he implied, and just like that, he managed to read my thoughts like he always does "But trust me, it wouldn't have to hurt this much for either one of us if it really was."

I shook my head, rubbing my temple as I willed myself not to budge with his way of making it seem like a problem is no less crucial than it actually is.

"I know you probably don't wanna hear a single word that I have to say right now, or maybe you can't even if you wanted to. You're probably in your bed fast asleep or you're listening to music to block me out but if by some miraculous way you are listening to me, then just know whatever that's going to be coming out of my mouth is nothing but the truth."

I involuntarily turned my head to gain a better hearing of his voice, somehow innately finding myself wanting to listen to him despite the current circumstances at hand.

Even in times where I refuse to hear him out, I still do.

"I know there's no way I could change the past, because if so I would, holy fuck, would I do it in a heartbeat." he started, sounding physically tired "I would change so many things in my life even if it meant causing a goddamn butterfly effect. One that involves not having to have met you at all."

I felt my chest ache, I don't know why but it just did due to his implication as I envisioned a world where the idea of him and I never existed

Where all of this pain and suffering may have never been possible.

Where I would still be with Levi in my own, perfect little world in which my biggest struggle in life is getting into an Ivy League University and deciding whether or not Levi and I would move out of LA, California overall, to move to NYC like how we always planned to.

I think about how this whole issue with Beth wouldn't have to be an issue and it wouldn't be as awkward between us now that I know she and Evan had a history.

I think about how Evan could literally be with any other girl right now and how this engagement wouldn't have been in the way if hypothetically speaking, he could change the past and reevaluate his life like how he wants to.

He could be with a girl he actually wants to be with whom he doesn't fight with all the time. A girl, who on the first day, he'd treat nicely and ask out on a date, and not automatically assume that she wants to sleep with him.

A girl who he would treat gently and respectfully. A girl who he wouldn't lead on, scorn using her parents' divorce and make her feel wanted and desired.

A girl that could make him happy, and not frustrated and disheartened any time they get into a fight because unlike me, she's willing to work it out with him, and not find ways to not make it work because she's so used to the idea of playing it safe and not getting hurt.

How they'd be good friends at first, get to know each other without any complications, and then just be lovers.

Simple as that. Because people deserve to have something that simple.

"I don't mean that by saying that I never wanted this, by the way," he continued, a slight crack to his voice as if he was having a hard time trying to explain himself "That I never wanted to have met you because if it were necessary, I would change every little thing about my life only so that I would have met you all over again and treated you in a way I should have treated you."

"But I know that's not what you want, I know that since the start what you always wanted was someone like Levi or just someone who'd treat you well right from the start, and when I said I would do anything to change the past even if it meant losing you, it means that I would do it just so I could spare you the trouble of having had to go through all of this. Because you deserve something a lot easier."

I close my eyes, already knowing what he's about to say but for some reason not wanting to hear it at all, because even though I'd probably contradict myself by refusing to listen to him, this is just too unbearable for me to hear.

"Something a lot more simple." he implied, sighing deeply "At least at first, the kind that may have never led to this. I don't really know how I'm gonna rectify this whole situation with Beth because there's just no way of doing so. What I did was fucked up and I know I should've told you sooner about it, and I'm not gonna excuse it by saying I didn't feel the need to because I never would have predicted this whole thing between us. Whatever this is." I couldn't help but laugh inside my head, thinking how our train of thought is so similar it's actually comical.

"What Sean told you was probably the most accurate that story might've been retold before, considering between both of us he was actually the victim in what happened back then. But knowing him he's probably made it seem like he wasn't completely innocent either," Evan chuckled lowly "In hindsight, he's always been the mature one between us both."

"As you may already know, that's just one of the many things I envied about him. Yes, I'm saying that right now front and center even though I may have already said it back then, only less defensiveness this time. I was envious of Sean, of the things he had because those qualities were the things I lacked, and I know it's greedy considering what I lacked could've easily been refined if only I just got over my damn ego."

"But I was stubborn. I wanted to be better than him even though I wasn't, not even by a long shot," he admitted "So what did I do? I tried to one-up him in the only way I knew how, and that was to steal the girl he was so ridiculously infatuated with. Beth."

"At first, I didn't understand it. I've been in tons of relationships before but I never really knew what it felt like to be... in love. I only viewed relationships as a way to kill time and I know, it's appalling, but I guess that's why they all failed because I chose to treat my relationships as if I was still the fifteen-year-old punk who had just gotten into first base with some girl and thought he was the shit." I couldn't help but scrunch my nose at his words "You're probably disgusted by that, don't worry, I am too."

"But up until I got out of my last relationship, which you know, was with Mandy, that's how I chose to view love. It was such a taboo topic that I didn't wanna get into, as it seemed way too stupid for me at that time."

"Not something that happened because you genuinely connected with someone, or cared about them, or something that gave you butterflies in your stomach or some shit like that. Love for me was always just so... insignificant. Like we have sex, make out and only be affectionate for the sake of being affectionate. Other than that? It all seemed so irrelevant to me."

"Maybe that's why what I did to Beth wasn't that big of a deal to me because the way I chose to look at what happened, it was nothing more but a girl who liked me, wanted to change me, failed, and then got bitter."

"But what I failed to realize is that she did care about me." he said ruefully "I didn't care too much at that time because I didn't think anyone actually gave a shit. If they made a huge fuss about it I assumed it's because they wanted to mold me into this person that they were fixated on, but it was never me that they wanted."

"But I realized Beth just wanted the parts of me that were horrible to change, she just wanted me to become better and that wasn't good enough of an excuse to have done what I did to her. In the same way that Mandy wanted me to be better but I took it out of spite and made them feel like they were the undesirable ones in the end."

"There's no possible way I can justify what I did and I think it's time I've come to terms with who I was as a person back then because there is just no way of changing that," he said, "But one thing's for sure is that I can be better."

Swallowing hard, I listened attentively as Evan's voice became firm, almost as if for the first time this is the one thing he's the most confident to talk about.

"I can be better and I will do everything I can to prove that. From trying to make it right with Mandy, my ex-girlfriends, people I've wronged in the past, Sean and Beth-"

For some reason, he chuckled weakly at the mention of Beth's name "Although progress has been a total disaster because you remember that thing I told you about that I was handling before I came here? I went over to Beth's place to try and talk to her and make amends-"

My eyes widened at his confession "But it didn't really end well, to put it simply." he added "I sort of fucked up big time and it's just-" and there's that heavy sigh again.

There was complete silence and I could tell his interaction with Beth went horribly, which just made me all the more curious and worried about them.

"I was doing my best to get the message across and show her that I've really changed and that I was willing to do everything so that she could forgive me, or at least show her that I genuinely regretted what I did, but she saw right through me and one thing led to another, she found out the reason why I wanted to talk her was because of you."

"I know, it's fucked up because I already made her feel like shit and there I was making it seem like the only reason I came there was because I wanted to win fucking brownie points," he sounded ashamed of himself and for a moment there I found myself pitying him. Only a little.

"Like I'm not good at this. I'm not good at reading between the lines and I can't even understand what the hell is going on even if you showed me the big picture of it all. But I am willing to try, no matter what it takes, I am going to because I am tired of people thinking that I am only capable of thinking about myself, of not caring about anything except myself-"

"Because I do care, and guess what? I care about you too, Maggie." His sudden declaration made my breath hitch. "I care about you and I don't care how desperate I might look right now, I am going to do everything that I can to make you see that."

"No matter how much you think that there's a part of me that's out to break your heart because believe me, there isn't." his voice broke and I couldn't help but feel every ounce of me shatter along with it "Because I may have hurt you before..."

There was a brief pause, one that made the atmosphere feel so tense that I swore he could've heard my own heartbeat if he just listened hard enough.

"But I am going to spend every single waking moment of my life to try and redeem myself because maybe I can't change the past, but I'll make sure that the future is different. Much different to the point that once you look back at this moment and all the times we spent together is that you won't ever have to think to yourself that it was all a big mistake."

"Because what we had was never a mistake when it came to me," he said, "You were never a mistake and maybe it's up to you to decide what happens next-"

With that, I hear the faintest of sniffling as he groaned, clearly hating himself for being caught emotional despite trying to seem strong out of all of this.

"But just know that you mean so much more to me than you think," he told me "That out of all the things I may have done to you, is that I am so sorry if I ever made you feel that at one point what we had didn't matter, and that I would leave you the same way Wayne did because I can't do that, Maggie. Even if I needed to, for some reason I just couldn't."

Shakily covering my mouth with my hand, I suppressed the cries threatening to spill out of me as I felt the tears starting to cascade down my cheeks again "I just can't do that and above everything else, I can't afford to see you walk out on me too."

Standing up shakily on my own two feet, I contemplated on what I'm about to do next, debating whether or not it's the right thing to do or if I'm just way too overwhelmed with my own emotions that I can't think straight right now.

The thing is, I'm done trying to think rationally here. I know that I need to but I've been doing it my whole damn life and it's all because I don't wanna have to blame myself for feeling in the end. I know it's a part of human nature and we need to do it but I'm just so scared.

"It's okay if you want to, though." he said "Because what matters is that you'll end up happy in the end. Am I gonna give up right away? No. But if it comes down to when I know I need to do it for the life of us, then I just want you to know that I did everything that I could."

With that, I hear the sound of shoes squeaking against the floorboards, indicating that he's already stood up "Again, I'm so sorry, about everything." he added.

I felt my heart pound as I heard him walk away from my bedroom door, feeling the most terrified that I have ever been to have a person walk away from me.

To see them go down that unwanted path.

To have them say goodbye without actually saying goodbye.

To have them leave even though deep down... I don't want them to.

I open my eyes at that, the realization of it all dawning upon me:

I can't have him walking out on me too.

With that, I frantically opened the door as I raced out of the room "Evan! Wait!" I cried out just when he was about to go down the stairs.

He immediately turned his head to look at me, his eyes wide and puffy as we stood there, staring at each other so intensely as he stopped in his tracks while I paused in mine, breathing heavily

It was almost as if time stopped right at this exact moment as neither one of us said another word, just indulging in the silence and each other's presence.

I gave the faintest of smiles as I shook my head "I hope that wasn't being too dramatic."

He took his time to process my words before returning the same smile, shaking his head.

"No, not at all. If anything, I was kinda hoping for it."

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