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Chapter Thirty-Eight: Evan

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

That is not how I expected that whole ordeal to have ended. I mean, I didn't expect it to end well, to begin with, because it was obvious the only possible outcome of that situation was nothing but an inevitable dispute between Beth and me.

However, what just happened was too disastrous that until now I'm still not able to process it because holy shit, did I fuck up big time.

What's worse? I have no idea how I'm gonna fucking fix all of this.

Sue me, okay? I didn't really rationalize the sequence of possibilities of how this confrontation could've ended, but one thing's for sure is that I didn't prepare myself for this.

Plus the fact that I need to meet up with Maggie after this isn't helping. Great, just fucking great.

I knew I should've just trusted my intuition when it told me to wait until I've sorted out this whole problem with her, knowing she could handle her best friend better than me.

I haven't talked to Beth in basically a year and I can't believe I was stupid enough to think I would be able to just talk to her like we were good old friends.

What I didn't realize is how much a person can change within the span of a year, or maybe she hadn't changed at all. Maybe this side of her has always been there right before she even met me and maybe the oblivious part of me was just way too delusional, thinking that her past infatuation with me is somehow gonna lessen the blow of her reaction.

Because it fucking didn't that's for sure.

I knew I should've waited but my irrationality wanted this whole thing to be over and done with, and maybe I shouldn't have let it take over me despite the overwhelming pressure to close this chapter of my life, considering I wanna start the new one with Maggie.

Maggie, who had just started to warm up to me to the point that she might actually give the possibility of us being together a chance.

I just wanted to be better for her but I guess I rushed it way too quickly.

Sure enough, everything came back to bite me in the ass because it seems as though Beth wasn't completely on board with the idea of me finally turning over a new leaf.

I don't know if I have even fully grasped her anger at my confession saying that I was finally willing to become a better person because of Maggie.

Maybe because she wanted me to change and it just didn't happen. Which I guess is why it never worked out with her, because she was so adamant on the idea of molding me into this person she knew I didn't wanna be. She was so fixated on the idea of becoming the girl who would finally change me for the better when all I ever really needed was acceptance.

Which resulted in me being so bitter, and that doesn't excuse what I did to her at the end, all I'm saying is that it was never really meant to be because we both wanted different things.

I guess that's where the frustration may have come from because she did all that she could to make me into a better person and yet I didn't become one, but somehow here comes Maggie, and just like that things took a turn for the unexpected.

What made it different this time is because we didn't really expect anything from one another. We were both royally messed up in our own way and we didn't really think much of how this engagement was gonna impact our non-progressive relationship in the beginning, but then it gradually started to. To the point that it made us closer together.

In a way, she saved me as much as I saved her.

We didn't really demand to get anything out of the other person that wasn't already out in plain sight and we showed parts of ourselves that were so full of hatred and spite.

Yet we always managed to look past that when we had the option to not do so. We weren't romantically involved, we weren't even friends, and yet every single time either one of just chooses to come back to the other person and for them to let us in-

We did it in a way that made us grow as people.

She learned to fight back and resolve her personal conflicts without feeling guilty about them, and she taught me how to empathize more and to stop shutting everybody out.

That's why even though she started like everybody else who saw me as nothing but a hopeless case, it felt different when it came to her. She made me wanna fight for the things I secretly always wanted deep down. And for once, I want the possibility of redemption to happen.

But it seems like it isn't always that easy.

As soon as Beth closed the door on me, I hastily got inside my car, feeling more flabbergasted as ever as I nervously run a shaking hand down my face, leaning my head onto the steering wheel of my car as I grunted in agony, wondering where the fuck did I go wrong?

I'm so sorry. I knew I should've done better and yet I didn't.

I started the engine of my car and began to drive out of Beth's neighborhood to head to Maggie's place, trying to think of ways as to how I'm gonna bring this whole problem up with her.

It's already enough that I'm feeling discouraged from ever making amends with her. I hope to God this day won't be any worse than it already is.

By the time I arrived at Maggie's place, I sent her a quick text telling her I'm already here, and she responded saying how I should just come in.

Breathing heavily, I unclasped my seatbelt and anxiously got out of my car, hoping to God there is out there that this would end well.

Please let it end well. Please.

I can't risk losing this time. I can't risk losing something that I've wanted since the start.

I can't risk the idea of finally being happy.

I can't risk the idea of someone finally not wanting to walk out on me for once.

I can't risk losing whatever this is.

I just can't risk the idea of losing her.

My heart was beating erratically inside my chest as I opened the door to her house and looked around, the living room being eerily quiet as I stepped in.

"Hello? Anyone home?" I called out into the vast space "Maggie?"

"It took you long enough."

Startled by the sudden voice, I turned around and was instantly greeted with Maggie leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, looking up at me with her arms crossed and her face blank.

"Jesus," I heaved out "You scared the hell out of me."

Usually, she would've either rolled her eyes or teased me when it comes to my dramatic reactions or if she's in a good mood, would just simply grin at me.

But not this time, something about her demeanor made it seem like she was anything but in the mood. As a matter of fact, how she's acting now just doesn't seem like... herself.

Her eyes were dull and her expression was aloof as she stood there with no greater purpose than to just let her presence be known. Typically, she would present herself with more of a domineering stance.

But this time she's just there, almost as if she doesn't care about anything at all, whether it be her surroundings or the way she's coming across.

Or me. It's like she could care less that I'm standing in front of her right now.

This is weird because when we decided we wanted to talk about my past with Beth, she was quite eager. Detached, for sure, but at least she made it seem like it.

This time though, she's not showing any sense of intention at all.

It's almost as if she already knows.

"I'm sorry." I said, "I just had to handle something on my way here."

Again, nothing expressive about her reaction, almost as if she couldn't care less about whatever the hell I did. "You could've at least taken into account how important this discussion is," she remarked insolently as I cringed at the strict tone of her voice. Why is she acting like this?

"Yeah, no, I should've. I just didn't expect we'd talk today considering you held back on the discussion ever since the party at Jess's place."

Her jaw clenched at that, pushing herself off the door frame as she took a few steps forward. "It doesn't matter if I held back on talking about it, what does matter is how long you've managed to hold it back from me all this time."

Wait, what?

Eyes wide, I stood there in shock as I let her words sink in "I, um... what?" I stuttered, utterly confused. "What do you mean?"

That caused her gaze to harden as she looked at me "I can't believe you." she bellowed, "I honestly cannot fucking believe you."

"Maggie please, just tell me what it is that do you mean because I can't talk to you right now when you're like this-"

"Oh, oh!" she exclaimed "You can't talk to me when I'm like this? Then tell me what took you so long to bring this up when you've had all the time in the world to do so when you had the chance considering you knew I deserved to know!"

"Know what?!"

"To know that you've been hiding the fact you're so fucking toxic!"

Staggering back, I did a double-take on what she just said "W-what? Maggie, what are you-"

"I talked to Sean." she declared, making me freeze "I talked to Sean about everything that's happened between you and Beth, and honestly? How?"

"Maggie, please, just hear me out-"

"Hear you out? You've had all the time in the world to talk about this, right from the beginning when we started to communicate like normal fucking people. Which was the same time Levi, Beth, and Emily ditched me, and I was confused as to why they all abandoned me, but it turns out, it wasn't just only one person you chose to provoke that day, but instead, two!"

"You hid the fact that you hurt one of my best friends by making her feel worthless so that you can stroke your self-esteem, and used me as a way to spite her more when you knew she was hurt seeing us together!" she cried out "Why the hell would you do that, Evan?!"

I didn't know what to say, I was in shock as I stood there like a fish out of water "Maggie-"

"Y-you had every chance to talk about it yet you didn't." she hissed as her voice shook "When Sean approached us the first time you had your chance but instead you decided to make a sob story out of you hurting so many people and chose to victimize yourself then get angry at me when I chose Sean's side when all along, I should've been angry at you!"

"You hurt Beth and it took you so long to tell me and you only took it upon yourself to talk about it now as soon as they came back into my life and noticed how Beth was getting in the way and you saw her as nothing but a disturbance." she yelled "She cared about you! And what did you do? You kissed me right in front of her just to put salt in the wound! How could you?!"

She was crying now and my chest twisted at the sight, because if an hour ago I didn't realize how much I truly destroyed Beth and broke her heart when she screamed it at my face, did the revelation seem much more crucial now that Maggie is screaming it back at me too.

I hurt her and I hurt her friend. I hurt them both and I didn't even realize it.

"I tried to give you a chance to explain yourself when Sean told me about this thinking there's always two sides to every story that deserves to be heard," she added, tears stained on her cheeks "But the more I thought about it the more I realized how deceitful you are."

"The way that you had hurt her and made it seem as if it was such a mundane secret not to tell just made me think... what if it were me?" she implied "If you can do that to her and all she did was love you, I can only imagine what you would do if it were me this time."

No, no, no.

"Maggie, Maggie, please-" I said, desperately wanting to reach out to her and for her to hear me out "You gotta believe me when I say that this isn't what I wanted-"

"Of course, you didn't!" she scorned "That's what people like you always say! You never own up to your own liability yet you make such a big fuss about wanting to become a better person when you've only been suppressing the real you whenever you see fit!"

"Yet you act as if you're any better." I found myself suddenly biting back.

She looked at me with her eyebrows furrowed, dumbfounded "Excuse me?"

I shook my head at her "You're giving me shit for not talking about every single bad thing that I've done and crucified me for it when that one part of you who feels the need to go behind people's backs and avoid communicating with them is still there in you too, Maggie! The way you project your trust issues onto other people? You're doing it right now!"

"Why? Why couldn't you be patient and just trust me when I say I'd explain everything? Why do you have to go behind my back and find reasons to not trust me? To find reasons to go back to your old life because you feel like it's safer than it does this time?"

"Because it's hard! It's hard for me because the second my dad walked out on me and my mom he hid the fact he was secretly sabotaging her from her own friends just so that she wouldn't have anyone to confide to once he left us is when I started having trust issues as well!"

"When he hid the fact he was seeing other women when she was at home crying herself to sleep and I had to be there to see it! To see my mother tear herself apart when he couldn't care less!"

"How it all started because she was too hung up on the idea of young love and you know that I am too! And maybe if you didn't hide this from me only so that you could maintain your image of being society's poor victim it wouldn't be this way!"

"But you did it anyway because you knew I would come back and cave each time you made it seem like we were in this together," she said gravely "But it turns out you're just like him, and I will not hurt my mother by letting her see me fall for someone just like my father."

She turned around as I was left standing there with my mouth hung open in disbelief, not until I let out a scoff as I called out to her just as she started getting up the stairs:

"You can't be doing this to me right now!" I bellowed "You honestly can't be projecting your fucking traumas onto me just so that you can go back to isolating yourself in fear that anyone who even tries to get to know you is bound to hurt you the same way that your father did! Because guess what?"

I stopped in my tracks and huffed out a heavy breath, making her slowly turn around to face me just as we stood there a couple of feet away from each other, and at that moment as she stared at me down like I was the most disgraceful thing she has ever laid her eyes on...

I don't think I have ever felt as disconnected with her in the past as I do so now.

"I am not your father, Maggie."

I didn't get to fully register what I just said, all I knew is that as soon as I saw that pained look in her eyes that there was no taking back what I just said.

"Screw you, Evan. Screw you!" she shouted, "Screw you and you better leave this house right fucking now because I never wanna see your face ever again!"

With that, she walked away and I did all that I could to catch up with her, but it was far too late before she already closed the door on me "Maggie! Please!" I pleaded, repeatedly banging on her door "Please! Just listen to me!"

But there was no answer, even as I jiggled the doorknob and banged my fists so hard that my knuckles started to feel like they were about to bruise, she still made no effort to reciprocate my pleas.

Leaving me dejected as I slid down onto the floor on my knees, calling out to her as if everything on the other side was my lifeline and she was there holding onto the last string.

"Maggie, please..." I whispered, feeling my voice break as my hands started to slip down the door "I can't have you walking out on me too."

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