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Chapter Thirty-Seven: Evan

I'm so extremely and painstakingly reckless it surprises me sometimes, like do you ever just look at the things that you're doing and think "Wow, this is fucking dumb, why the hell am I doing it?" but you do it anyway because well, you are that dumb?

That is what I'm doing right now.

I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to go behind Maggie's back despite us agreeing to talk about my past with Beth just to ease her doubts and suspicions by all means necessary. I was so sure that this was needed not until I received a text from Maggie earlier, one that read:

I'm ready to talk about what happened. Meet me at my house.

Suddenly this plan of mine didn't seem all that promising to me anymore.

But that wasn't important because, before Maggie's sudden declaration of plans, I also decided several hours earlier to make some of my own. Specifically with our current subject in hand:

Beth Kingsley.

I texted her asking if we could meet up and after a series of long, careful deliberations, did we arrange to meet up at her place.

I honestly don't know what I should be expecting from this because I am fully aware that Beth despises me, especially after everything that I've put her through it shouldn't be too much of a far fetch to hint at the idea, and I don't blame her for that because truthfully speaking, I am a fucking asshole.

I've wronged so many people in the past that I think it's time I start acknowledging it, and Beth shouldn't be excluded from that because if anything, she has all the right reasons to hold a vendetta against me, more so that she should be on top of the list.

I've never had a good history with the women I have either gotten involved with or developed small, insignificant flings with ever since I started dating at the age of fifteen.

I was ignorant and I didn't really have a good belief system to rely on and although I don't want to blame my lack of awareness and the absence of guidance from my parents, in a way that's how it started, just people's tendency to let me get away with my mistakes because I did come from a rather privileged background whilst inheriting conventionally good features and luxuries.

I had it all and yet I took it for granted because people allowed me, which again doesn't happen to everyone, and along the way, I guess I forgot to humble myself.

That's why as much as I am thankful for her, it shouldn't have taken Maggie, or any woman in general, to come into my life and fix me.

It wasn't even a fix, it was just Maggie blatantly pointing out all my bullshit for me until I got the memo and realized "Yup, that was wrong, has always been wrong, and how come I've never seen that before? Why did it take a person screaming all of the shit I've done straight at my face for me to realize that?" and I wanna be better, not only for myself, not only for her but for all the people I've wronged in the past as well.

That's why I'm doing this now, to finally bury the hatchet and to stop ignoring my problems because God knows it never really did anything to save me from my own sanity.

But still, despite the good intentions and good of heart where my decision currently lies, I can't help but feel as if I'm deceiving Maggie by going behind her back and talking to Beth.

I know I should've worked it out with her first but there's just a part of me that feels like all things must come to an end before I start a new chapter in my life.

Plus Beth is her best friend, and I know I should've told her about our past sooner considering they are very close friends, I just never thought it was needed.

I never really thought this would've happened and yet, here we are now.

Standing in Beth's front door was as nerve-wracking as the thought of finally talking to her after so long of pretending what happened between us never happened at all, and looking at this chunk of wood right in front of me reminded me of the times when she invited to go to dinner because her parents wanted to meet me and yet-

I never came.

Or when I texted her that I needed to come over and tell her something important, with her expecting that I would finally ask her out on a date like she wanted, only so that I'd break the news to her that I actually asked Mandy out instead, and afterward having her slam the door right on my face when she could've done so much worse.

Slap me, scream at me and tell me how much of a terrible person I was just to lead her on and how horrible I was to sabotage Sean from asking her out. Sean, who actually cared about her.

But instead, she just stood there, her eyes blinking until the tears started to fall, with her holding onto the door so tightly that I swore her knuckles started to become pale whilst she calmly told me to get out of her face while I still could.

And how I did it without hesitation, thinking I did nothing wrong because I've never really felt anything towards her when as a matter of fact, she felt so much more about me than I had realized and I just... set it aside.

I'm such a fucking asshole.

I ring the doorbell as all those sick, twisted memories come flashing back into my memory like an insufferable slideshow I had no intention of wanting to sit back and watch. But I need to, I have to because it wouldn't have to be this way if only I was just a decent human being.

The door squeaked open, quite reluctantly at that, as a pair of glaring blue eyes met my own, looking up at me as if I was a predator she didn't dare wanna be anywhere near.

She looked almost... anxious to see me. I couldn't help but feel almost disgusted with myself about that because I'm making her feel this way. I'm the reason why she's like this.

"Evan," she said, her voice soft and hesitant, hands gripping firmly onto the door like she was preparing to shut it at any time if things were to take a turn for the worse like last time.

I cleared my throat, plastering on a quick smile as some sort of pathetic attempt to try and ease the tension between us "Beth," I started "I hope I wasn't bothering you."

"Well, you were nice enough to text me first, so there's that." she remarked, "It is the first time you've taken my circumstances into reconsideration, so I appreciate it."

Okay, I deserved that. Actually no, I deserve more.

But still, I couldn't help but wince at her not-so-subtle jab, deepening the already awkward tension between us both, but again, I had it coming.

"Um yeah, there's that." I responded, chuckling awkwardly "So where do you suppose we talk? Anywhere is fine."

She pondered over it for a couple of seconds before looking back inside her house and stepping outside before gently closing the door behind her, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked back at me with a scrutinizing gaze "Here's fine." she settled.

I nodded "Great," I rubbed the nape of my neck, feeling quite nervous about what I'm about to say next "So I know it's been a while since we've last talked," I began "I know this was very sudden of me to just show up but I really need to have this conversation with you."

Beth raised a brow at that, her gaze narrowed "Okay? Get it over with."

Here goes nothing.

I swallowed hard, prepping myself for what's about to come "I know in the past it didn't really work out between us because of what I've done, and I know it may come as a shock but there hasn't been a day where I don't look back on what I did and fucking hate myself for it."

"I know that it's hard to believe considering you know me. You know what kind of person I am, you've seen the sides of me that people always kept warning you about but you didn't listen because you had faith in me. You saw something in me, that to this day I still don't know what, and it made you wanna stay even though in the end, I used your kindness against you."

Something in her eyes flashed by being reminded of the past, the times when she spared me and stuck around even though there was not a single thing about me that was worth the inevitable breaking of her heart.

She knew that just by looking at me, with regret sweeping over her face because of the innocence she could no longer regain because I stole it from her.

I took all of that away because just like her, I was capable of welcoming someone into my life, making them think they could trust me.

The only problem is, she didn't have any sort of ill intention to go ahead and make me regret trusting her, while me? I did everything she thought I wouldn't be able to do.

I did more than make her regret it.

I did so much more, that as she looks at me now, there's no hatred, anger, or disgust.

There's just caution.

Caution that I may ruin her again, do something to trigger something that she doesn't wanna be reminded of anymore. I legitimately instilled fear in her.

But I'm willing to change that, no matter what, I wanna change that.

"And the more I realized it, the more I acknowledged the type of damage I've done to you, the harder it gets to not to think about it. To not think about how fucking cruel I was to you because it was so easy for me to disregard what you felt back then, not knowing how much it must've affected you, and Ieft you there and I just want you to know that I understand now."

"I understand why you could hate me because I deserve it. I deserved more than just you telling me to walk away when I showed up at your front door back then and hurt you in the way that I did, thinking it didn't matter assuming you only hated me just because I couldn't reciprocate your feelings back," I said solemnly "When in reality, you hated me because, in that short, brief amount of time when everything felt like a possibility, you trusted me."

She sucked in a quick breath "You trusted me and I gave you a million reasons not to do so anymore in just one fleeting moment." I said.

"I made you regret it and with that, I am so sorry. I am so fucking sorry I ever made you feel that way and I will keep saying that until you believe me because I've never meant anything more in my entire life." I finished as she just stood there, speechless.

She just looked at me with this awestruck look in her eyes and I knew from that moment on that she was contemplating if any of this was real or not. Because the last time I showed up here at her front door, I broke her heart into smithereens.

Anyone in their right minds would think all of this was pure bullshit. But it's not.

"... What's the reason?"

Her voice was steady yet gentle, almost as if she was able to gather her words and collect her thoughts as soon as I finished, but she was dubious nevertheless.

My eyebrows raised at her question "I'm sorry?"

In contrast to the sweet and faint sound of her voice seconds ago, once she looked up at me I could see the underlying impatience and cynicism in her eyes alone.

"What's the reason that you're suddenly saying all of this to me now? Because if it's true that you had the time to think back to what you did to me and that you've been wallowing about it ever since, why do it now? What took you so long?"

I cleared my throat, feeling much more jittery than I was a while ago. "Nothing, I just realized that I needed to bury the hatchet and so I'm doing it now. I've spent a while trying to put my thoughts into words and-"

"Bullshit. We both know you didn't need that much time to reflect on your mistakes or however the fuck that you wanna put it, you're not like that and we both know once you're sure of something you make it your mission to say it as soon as possible."

"So tell me," she continued "What's really the reason? What encouraged you to come here and act as if you've reevaluated your entire fucking life and wanna be a changed man all of a sudden? Tell me."

Well, shit.

Maggie always told me Beth had a 'no bullshit' kind of attitude and I always disagreed, specifically because I've never witnessed this side of her before.

She was always so sweet and affectionate with me back then. She was never really crass and or blunt with me in the same way Maggie is when we first met.

She always stroked my ego and yet I took it for granted, as she completely altered herself to make me feel loved and accepted, while I couldn't even take the time out of my day to be considerate of her and her feelings.

But now? She's finally showing me who she is and although it is outstanding to witness, it makes me feel fearful as well. Because she can obviously see right through me, despite the sincerity in my tone.

"What's really the reason?" she asked, more softly this time, as if desperate.

I sighed, running a shaky hand through my hair, not knowing if what I'm about to say next is the right thing or not "It doesn't... matter, really. Why should it?"

She wasn't fazed by my words and if anything, it just made her more determined to find out "It matters to me." she pressed on "Please, just tell me. You're not even denying my request because you know what I'm saying is true."

I opened and closed my mouth, willing myself to do what she wants, and just like that, Maggie's face appears inside my head.

"It's... someone. She encouraged me to go ahead and finally talk to you because she's made me reflect on my past mistakes and I just wanna be better. Not only to her but to the people I've wronged before." I elaborated.

"I wanna turn my life into something that doesn't constantly make me wanna feel resentful towards the world and the people who care about me. For once I wanna care about someone and make them feel it. That I do care and that I am capable of doing such a thing."

"That I just care." I muttered, looking down "That I care about... her."

I didn't know what I was expecting when I finally lifted my eyes to look up at her, but it certainly isn't what I'm being met with right now.

It was like a sudden slap to the face, abrupt and unpredictable because the mixture of emotions currently swirling in Beth's eyes was just way too intense for me to handle.

She was staring at me as if she was trying to hold herself back, with tears violently falling on her face as if she's desperately doing her best not to fucking tear me apart.

It was just way too much. This was way worse than before.

Because back then, my rejection was just so swift and direct that she didn't have any time to properly react to it, unlike now, with her finally being able to hear me out, her emotions are gradually showing and she's had the time to think about what she feels.

And the only way to describe it is just complete rage and hatred.

"So you're telling me that this girl..." she trailed off, taking a menacing step forward "This fucking girl that you're currently rambling about, she's turned you into a changed man?"

"I, um-"

"That this wonderful fucking girl that we all know is Maggie fucking Carter," she continued, laughing dryly all the while "Had finally set you straight? Is that what you're telling me?'

"Beth, please just-"

"No, let's be honest, that is what you're saying. After I spent so much time trying to prove myself to you and make you see how much you meant to me, that once Maggie, my best friend, of all people, may I just add, walks into the picture suddenly you wanna act as if you give a shit?"

"It's because I do-"

"Bullshit!" she yelled as she angrily shoved my chest "Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit, Evan! You never once cared about me and if you did it wouldn't take Maggie, whom I may remind you is the same girl who hated your fucking guts since the second she met you, to make you realize that!"

"Yet here you are worshipping the ground she steps on as if she was the holy grail to all of your fucking problems!" she shouted "What about me? What the fuck did she do to make you care about her this much?!"

"I don't know!" I yelled back "I honestly don't know! It just happened!"

"Oh yeah, sure." she scoffed at that, tears prickling at her eyes as she aggressively wiped them away "Leave it to Maggie Carter not doing anything to make you fall in love with her. First, she got Levi, star basketball player extraordinaire to fall at her feet the second she enrolled in Henderson High, and then she got you! And you fell in love with her too!"

"Where the hell is this coming from?" I questioned, my eyebrows furrowed "Where is this sudden bitterness coming from for your own goddamn best friend?"

"It's not that! She could do whatever the fuck she wants with her life, the question is what's so special about her that for some reason you never saw in me when I first told you I was in love with you? The nonchalance? The 'barely gives a fuck' attitude? Is that what you want? A girl not giving a damn about you because obviously when a woman does care about you, what do you do? You make her feel so fucking worthless about herself?!"

She choked out a sob, rubbing her chest as she tried to steady her breathing "I just... don't get it. We're practically the same person. Sure, she's all smart and perfect and studious, anybody would want her! Levi wanted her and to this day, he still does! He literally almost got kicked out of the basketball team because he couldn't focus on his own life without thinking about her!"

"But. I. Just. Don't. Get. It." she emphasized "I just don't get how some people could literally give zero fucks about you and you end up being disposed at the end when all you ever did was love them. And yes, I did love you! I was willing to make an absolute goddamn fool of myself just for you to see that but the only thing you did was tear me down every single fucking day!"

"I just don't get it, like I'm sorry if I sound so ridiculous right now but I'm just tired of feeling so worthless. Feeling as if I'm never enough," she said, her voice breaking and I couldn't help but feel almost lightheaded, because at this moment, have I truly realized how much I broke her "I'm so sick of people taking advantage of me and my worth."

"When I first met you, you made me feel so good about myself. You treated me in a way I always dreamt about being treated and for once I thought hey, this could be the start of something great. Something that will eventually make me feel like I'm not hopeless to love. Because you made me feel that way, and I loved you so much for that."

"But then you just tossed me out and now here you are, telling me you want to fix things between us all because of a girl you were forced to be engaged with, and she just had to be my best friend, out of all people, and you couldn't even have the common decency to find somebody else. It just had to be her." she proclaimed "Do you see how fucked up that is?"

I stayed silent. Not knowing what to say because for the first time in so long, I honestly, genuinely, and completely have no idea how to justify my own wrong-doings.

Back then I could've easily found a loophole to try and justify myself, but for the first time, it isn't like that anymore, for once I could see how badly I damaged someone.

"Beth, I-I don't know what to say," I stammered, dumbfounded "I-I just... I'm so sorry."

This time, she could only smile in a pained, contrived manner, the tears in her eye already dried by now, but that didn't reduce the agonized look in her gaze as she maintained eye contact.

As if she really wanted me to feel and absorb her pain.

"That's what you always say, Evan. When something or someone is too much for you to handle, apologizing, and freely living your life afterward is what you do best, because that's what men like you are so good at. You don't actually care about anyone besides yourself."

With that, she turns on her heel to head back inside her house-

But not before she looks back at me, her eyes glossy and puffy with dismay... as if she's never felt more tormented in her entire life than she does right now.

"I really do hope one day you'll know what it feels like to love someone only so that they'll walk away from you as if you've never mattered to them in the first place," she whimpered "Because that's the only way you'll ever truly know what it felt like when you did the same thing to me and to all the girls who loved you back then."

Before I could even say anything, she shut the door straight at my face, giving me a sudden sense of deja vu, but this time, it feels a lot different.

Because unlike then, I don't just turn around and leave her front door as if nothing happened, just completely unaware of the destruction I had caused.

Because this time, I am aware of it.

With that, I've never felt worse about myself and the man I ever allowed myself to become.

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