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Chapter Fifty-Three: Maggie

Trust. It's something I've juggled with in the past that to this day I'm still having a hard time doing, trusting someone, and being certain that the other person trusts me.

The reason why I have a hard time maintaining trust, which I know is a relevant aspect when it comes to relationships, is the lack of communication I've had with my partner.

We talked, but it mostly consisted of them telling me what to do so they could put their mind at ease, even though it felt like I was being told what to do, then being actually trusted.

Deep down, I know this feeling stems from past traumas regarding my parents, as I've witnessed my mom get cheated on multiple times by my father and him telling her lies after lies that got her so paranoid to the point that every word he said, she didn't believe, but she was forced to swallow down her paranoia to not lose him.

I had that fear instilled within me at an early age that I didn't even realize I ended up following the same type of behavioral pattern because that's what I was mostly met with.

Distrust and the fear of losing what you have.

While Evan, on the other hand, went through something quite similar as he was mostly met by silence because the women he's been with feared to confront him about his behavior.

In a way, we ended up getting together despite being the prime examples of what we both feared having in our lives.

Me having a partner that pushed me to be paranoid to the point I would be left with no choice but to keep quiet and let things be in fear of being abandoned, and Evan being abandoned because he was usually met by silence instead of being confronted about his behavior.

We both needed to talk about this specific problem in both of our lives, considering we both know what it feels like to be on each opposite side of the spectrum.

Even though his past behavior was the one thing I hated most about him and was the one thing that reminded me most of my father, you honestly cannot choose who you end up liking.

But we both know if we wanted to make this work, we have to overcome our differences.

So we just sat down one day and decided that if we wanted to stop the possibility of regressing to our old ways, we have to learn from our mistakes and to be better.

Because we've gone this far already.

We were on my bed, my head was nestled on his chest as I listened to the soft thumping of his heartbeat as I let out a sigh "I think it's about time we finally talk about where we lacked in our previous relationships," I suggested, flickering my eyes up to meet his "That is if you're comfortable talking about it."

"Of course, I am." he replied, all the while as he kept his eyes glued to the ceiling of my room while his hand drew small circles onto the small of my back, the other tucked comfortably underneath his head "I've never had these types of conversations before, and I can already guess if I want a healthy relationship, I better work for it."

I chuckled softly because of that "We can't always have what we want by wishing for it, sadly."

He looked down on me as I said that, a grin plastered on his face as he caressed my hair "If only, to be honest." he murmured.

I lifted my head to get a better view of him "Tell me something that you hated about your past relationships."

He sighed at that "Honestly? Lack of communication, and the distrust that comes along with it. I never knew how to handle intimate conversations like this or arguments without going overboard and sending my ex-girlfriends running into the opposite direction,"

"Besides that, I really don't like it when we can't trust each other. People always perceived me as a womanizer because I kept getting into relationships only so that I'll end up breaking up with them a couple of weeks later, and I can't blame them, my relationships were a complete mess."

"But I hate it when they can't confront me about that and they end up making assumptions that I'll go behind their backs and cheat on them, that's why they get ridiculously possessive which just exhausts me, to be honest. I don't wanna have to deal with that kind of bullshit."

I nodded in understanding "Overall, I just want to make sure that she trusts me," he added, peering down to meet my gaze. "That you can trust me and come to me when you have a problem in the relationship that I don't know about."

My eyes softened at that "Okay, I will."

He smiled, stroking my hair "How about you? Any problems you've dealt with Levi that you feel like I need to avoid?"

I huffed "Pretty much the same thing you said, distrust and communication, and having someone control me as well. Levi did that all the time and it pissed the hell out of me."

"Noted," he mumbled.

"Besides that... I have this ongoing fear that leads back to my father, or as what the kids may call it, daddy issues." I emphasized as Evan laughed "About being cheated on and lied to behind my back. I know it seems silly, but after what I witnessed him do to my mother, I have certain tendencies to be suspicious about the littlest of things."

"To snoop around my partner's back in fear he'll get angry at me," I confessed in a strained tone as Evan stared at me, frowning "I know it seems stupid..."

"No, it's not." he said, "There's nothing stupid about what you feel because it's valid, and don't ever think for one second that I won't understand, okay?"

He leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss on the side of my head as my eyes fluttered shut "We still have a long way to go, Maggie. But I'm willing to try for you because I care." he whispered "I care about you a lot. So if you wanna talk about something, talk about it, you wanna get angry? Be angry because I'll try to understand."

I smiled, sitting my chin atop of his chest as I gazed longingly at his hazel-green eyes "Okay, I'll keep that in mind, though I can't promise I'll be able to stay true to my word."

* * *

I was right when I said that, that I won't be able to stay true to my word.

Because it wasn't long when my innate paranoia got the best of me that our previous discussion was just quickly thrown out the window.

It's not to say it's his fault, because, in all honesty, the only person I can blame is myself and this ridiculous tendency I have to form problems that shouldn't even be problems.

To make issues out of something that shouldn't even be a big deal, to constantly overthink things because I never went out of my way to reevaluate the way I acted.

So it didn't come as a shock to me when my traumas took a toll on me for the worse yet again when I was walking around school one day, ready to meet up with Evan for lunch when a scene before me completely stopped me in my tracks.

As I was then met with the sight of a beautiful girl standing right in front of Evan who was talking to him, to which he was attentively listening to her, smiling as he nodded at whatever she said.

Something in me recoiled as I watched them, seeing how good they looked together and how a sudden realization dawned upon me that before dating me, there were tons of girls that looked identical to her, just downright stunning, that lined up to go ahead and date him and yet here I am, being his girlfriend.

When people pass them by, they don't take the time to do a double check because, at first glance, she seems like the type of girl Evan would be seen talking to.

Unlike me, they have to turn around and do a once-over because once again, Evan and I are a vague combination, completely unpredictable.

I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but once again, I couldn't help it.

It didn't help when she stood up on her tippy toes and enveloped him in a hug, which Evan was taken aback by, but reciprocated back in return.

Making me turn on my heel as I walked off, just deciding that throughout lunch, I would eat back at the courtyard all by myself, taking my time to cleanse my thoughts before I decided to meet up with Evan.

Maybe it's just my inborn tendency to be suspicious because of the way I've seen my mother get suspicious of my father whenever he said he would go on extended business trips, which she'll only find out was prolonged vacations with multiple love affairs.

Those that were younger than her and caused her to go into a long, spiraling depression as she formed an inexplicable self-loathing towards herself.

Wondering what she was doing wrong for him to resort to younger women whom she deemed to be more beautiful than her, and what she could do to earn back his desire.

Because even though my father never truly loved my mother, he still acknowledged the fact that she was attractive, which he took advantage of in the end and she let him.

Because even if he didn't love her for who she really was, for as long as there was something about her that he deemed worthy of his attention, that was good enough.

It took a toll on me as much as it did with her, because now and then, even with Levi, I still found myself feeling unworthy of anyone's love because, if you think about it, there were lots of options to choose from. So why me?

"Hey,"

Strong arms wrapped themselves around me from where I sat at one of the tables in the courtyard, turning my head as Evan sealed his lips with mine in a brief kiss.

"I was looking everywhere for you, I thought we were going to spend lunch together, what happened?" he asked as I looked down at my food.

He sensed my solemn demeanor and traced my jaw with his fingertips, coaxing me to stare at him "Hey, are you alright?" he asked as he took a seat beside me "You seem... off."

At first, I just wanted to lie and say that I was simply having a bad day and nothing more, to disregard my feelings thinking I was being irrational, and to move on from it.

But then our previous conversations came back to mind and with that, I couldn't help but give in and recoil at my own behavior as I said "I saw you talking with a girl earlier."

Evan blinked back a couple of times as he tilted his head "Lara? My ex-girlfriend?"

Of course, she was his ex-girlfriend, only a girl as beautiful as she would've dated someone like Evan, they fit just right. "Yeah, I just didn't feel like interrupting your conversation and you guys seemed to have been in a serious discussion so I just left you guys alone."

"Oh," he laughed softly. "Well, you shouldn't have. She just wanted to talk about what happened a week ago when I approached her about our breakup, considering she was one of my exes that slapped me when I decided to make amends with all of them?"

I nodded as he continued "She just wanted to apologize and said that even though she didn't show it at first, she appreciates the gesture now and asked if we could still be friends."

There it is again, that gnawing envy that's lingering in the depths of my subconscious as I desperately tried to push it away, but once again, it persists.

It wasn't long before my discomfort was apparent to Evan's eyes "Hey, are you okay?

I chewed on my bottom lip, contemplating whether or not what I'm about to say is appropriate or just downright ridiculous "Yeah, no. It's just... okay, I know this is gonna sound stupid, and I'm probably just being childish but I can't help but feel jealous seeing how beautiful your ex is."

His eyes widened at what I said and before he could say anything, I beat him to it "Yes, I know it's silly, but looking at you both I couldn't help but realize that there came a time where I wasn't your girlfriend and you dated girls like her, who are so beautiful and stand out from the crowd, who match you so well."

"Trust me, I'm not usually like this, maybe I'm just still getting used to the idea that you're my boyfriend now and maybe I'm overthinking things like I normally do but..."

I sighed, hanging my head in shame "Mind me, I'm just being stupid."

It was silent at first before I felt the tips of his fingers hover underneath my chin as he alluded to me looking up at him "Hey," he whispered as we locked eyes "Remember what I said when we were talking in your room a couple of days ago? How whatever you're feeling during our relationship, good or bad, that it's not stupid? That it's better if you talk about it with me because I'll try to understand?"

I stayed silent for a minute before slowly nodding my head "Yes, I remember."

"How it's better to talk about it with me instead of pushing down what you feel because we both know it's not going to lead us anywhere other than being skeptical of one another?" I nodded once more "That regardless of whatever the problem may be, I'll try to understand?"

I chewed on my bottom lip as I fiddled with my fingers that sat on top of my lap. "I just thought maybe it'd only be necessary when it comes to problems that are actually important."

"Well, what you're feeling now is important, it's not silly, it's not stupid, and it matters. Whatever you have to say and feel matters and I'll always try to understand because you matter to me."

My eyes softened at his words as my inhibitions faltered in an instant as I felt the weight that was anchoring me down a while ago be lifted off from my shoulders "Evan..."

His smile was faint as he drew himself closer towards me, reaching out as he held my face in his hands, his thumb affectionately stroking my cheek as he looked me in the eyes.

"I don't ever want you to feel like you're not good enough for me because if we're being honest here, it's the other way around. I know before we started dating we were worlds apart from one another, but that shouldn't mean that we don't make a great fit, because we do."

His fingers were playfully leaving feather-like touches from my cheeks to my jaw as he kept his voice low and calm, it was soothing almost.

I felt my heart melt because of how awfully reassuring he was right now, and it was like every emotion of self-doubt I had was immediately thrown out the window due to his words alone. Because I've never felt this... validated and cared for by anyone aside from my own mother.

"Our differences are what makes us a great pair, and I don't want you ever thinking otherwise because you think I'd be better off with someone similar to me because I don't want anybody else, Maggie." he told me firmly "I don't want anybody else except you."

With my mouth falling open slightly in astonishment, I did nothing more but just stare at him in awe as I felt my chest flutter at his heartwarming confession, growing more sentimental by the minute as I tried to find the right words to say in return.

As I couldn't seem to pinpoint what I wanted to say to him, let alone what was currently filling up inside of me, what was bursting inside of me that I was practically drowning in.

"Evan, I-" I muttered before letting out a soft chuckle, reaching up as I held his hands in my own and gripped them tightly "I-I don't know what to say, that was just so... sweet."

He grinned "Yeah, I have gotten somewhat lovey-dovey ever since we started dating, huh?"

"I don't mind," I grinned, "It suits you."

We both laughed as we remained in our spots, just longingly gazing at each other's eyes as if there were more words left to be said but we just let them slide.

Let them slide because there are only so many words that you wanna say to someone to express your gratitude, your adoration, your fondness, and your deep, profound... love for them.

Love.

That's what it is. It was bursting inside of me, I was drowning in it.

I was filled with so much of it.

"I love you."

Evan looked at me with his lips parted as I continued "I may still be getting used to what we have and what I'm feeling, and I don't know if it's too early to say that but all I know is that I never felt this way before with anyone." I shook my head "God, you got me so undone."

He blinked once, then twice, before his hand swiftly circled itself around the back of my neck and he pressed his lips against mine, making me squeal in surprise as he brought our bodies closer together.

My eyes closed shut as our lips moved at a slow but passionate pace, savoring the moment as his tongue carefully slipped its way in to meet mine, goosebumps rising on my skin as I felt a visible shudder course right through my spine.

"I love you too," he said as soon as our lips detached from one another "You got me so undone too, Maggie Carter. You have no idea."

Not being able to contain the smile making its way up to my face, I pecked his lips once more as I brushed his nose against mine, making his eyes twinkle in amusement.

"Nice to know the feeling's mutual." I teased.

He stared at me "Trust me, I've been feeling this way long before you even knew you'd end up feeling the same."

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