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Chapter Fifty-Five: Maggie

Love is so fucking complicated and stupid.

When it comes to love, they make a great deal out of selflessness and putting your significant other's needs before your own, to dismiss what you feel in order for your loved one to achieve their own form of happiness no matter how much it can be trying at times.

Even if it ends up being one-sided.

But most of the time you can't ignore what you feel, you can't ignore the selfish sides of you as a person even if you try to suppress it long enough just so you can see the person that you love happy.

But sometimes the scales get a little bit uneven and you don't always find yourself being impartial, sometimes you think about yourself and how it affects you.

Even if you know deep down what you're doing is wrong.

When my mother and father got together because of an arranged marriage, my mother knew she had to adjust to the life my father wanted in whatever way he saw fit.

The only downside to that however is that the life he wanted was one that didn't involve her nor anyone else, just him and what made him happy.

My father never wanted to get engaged to my mother, he wanted a life of his own where he controlled his own freedom and his ways on how to live it.

He was like me, I thought. When I first stepped into this engagement I knew damn well the only thing I was able to sympathize with my father was the lack of choice I was given.

I didn't agree with my mother's decisions and quite frankly I even resented them, and the thing with me is that as much as I loved my mother I so desperately didn't want to end up like her.

Being in some sort of one-sided romance with a man who didn't love her and being fooled into thinking that having someone else control your life was acceptable. Hence the outcome of Levi and I's relationship and my tendency of butting heads with Evan in the past.

But here's the thing that I noticed about life. As much as you try to avoid the one thing you fear, you're gonna have to eventually come to terms that you have to confront what you're most afraid of in order to overcome it.

And as much as I feared going through what my mother had gone through, I knew I was gonna eventually experience something... not necessarily the same thing she experienced, but something that was gonna hurt me in the same way her past hurt her.

That as much as I wanna avoid being selfish, needy, weak, and sentimental the way she was during the lowest points in her life, those things are only natural when it comes to life.

That even though she was selfish and destructive, to the point where it led to her keeping up with my father's resentment just as long as he stayed around long enough for him to be her husband. Because she loved him, after all.

Even though he clearly didn't love her.

He kept relentlessly reminding her that every day and to make sure she knew that for as long as they were together, but her selflessness to put his needs before her own tied with her need to keep him around, even though she knew it was wrong.

But there was an engagement they needed to abide by and they had no choice.

But she had that choice, that choice to let him live freely and to not hurt herself with the constant reminder that the man she loved didn't love her.

But it was her own selfish needs that were getting in the way of that as much as it was his own rightful need to be away from her, to be selfish but in a way that didn't have to hurt anyone.

That is until he found out my mother fell in love with him.

And deep down he knew it wasn't right, leading her on and conforming to this life he despised for the spite of it all, to get married and have a kid even though it wasn't on his bucket list.

But he was selfish and so was she.

Even though he kept trying to make it seem like it was his way of being selfless by giving them a shot at being a couple, deep down he knew all of it stemmed from his own pride.

And right now, I can't help but wonder if this sense of anxiety of seeing Evan wanting to regain his freedom and my lack of wanting to do so after finally coming to terms with my life now, shows my own sense of greed as I realize that I'm afraid of it.

Afraid of him possibly coming into the realization that this was something he wasn't going to be content with by the long haul, and how he'll eventually want to be freed from it.

And how I might end up being the one getting left behind.

The one thing I tried so hard not to become, but I know that if it's going to happen one day, I'll have no choice but to let it happen.

Even though I've come to terms with the fact that I can't avoid being selfish and vulnerable like my mother because it's only natural, I know that I am my own person who has to deal with these things the way that I know how.

And if all comes down to it in the end...

I'd let him go if I needed to.

* * *

In short, I was being selfish. I know I was.

He was having problems, I tried to help but because of my ridiculous insecurities, here I am away from him instead of being there for him.

Again, love is hard. You don't always get to recognize your own faults, not until you get to really sit down and think things through.

As I pace around the living room of my house, phone in hand and contemplating over calling Evan and apologizing, I find myself in a dilemma.

I had to apologize to him one way or another, I know that I need to, but the bitterness still lingers and I knew that if I tried to apologize it was gonna sound disingenuous because the hurt will still be evident.

I don't even know why this had to hurt in the first place, Evan was so different from my father in ways that there shouldn't even be a parallel.

But I kept projecting and that's why I needed to get my shit together.

"Maggie?"

Looking up, I was greeted with the sight of Frank entering the room, staring at me with worried eyes as he watched me walk around the vast space like an absolute lunatic.

I gulped as I put my phone away "H-hey,"

"Are you okay?" he asked as he approached me, sensing my clear distress as I let his innate concern for my well-being appease my current mood.

"Yeah, it's just..." I sighed, rubbing my temples "It's nothing, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid if you're obviously worried about it," he said as I glanced up at him "I know you tend not to talk about your problems thinking it's silly to do so, but it's not, I've always told you that your worries are valid no matter what they may be, and that I'm here for you."

Nervously fidgeting with my fingers, I felt my stomach churn and chest tighten with the whirlwind of emotions surging through me because of his words.

Maybe it's because there was so much reassurance in it and I knew that was the one thing I desperately needed the most right now.

Someone to just be there for me and tell me what I need to know.

"... I'm just going through something right now."

He nodded "Then tell me. I'm here."

* * *

Hovering the tips of my fingers on the rim of the teacup I have in front of me, I observe Frank as he prepares the biscuits and tea currently on the table before us as I sit quietly in my chair, trying to collect my bearings before we get down to talking.

He finally sets down everything and pours me a cup of tea, making sure to put two teaspoons of milk and a cube of sugar, just the way I liked it "Is that good for you, dear?" he asked.

"It is, thank you."

He nodded before setting down the teapot and looking at me, head tilted and hands folded on the table as he gave me a soft smile "Start whenever you're ready," he said.

I let out a breath as I nodded, thinking to myself if I needed to rectify this whole situation I needed to get advice from someone who's objective and probably knows more about relationships than I do.

"I got into a fight with Evan recently," I began, my throat knotting uncomfortably at the reminder of my predicament "And this isn't the first time, you know? Where we both got into a fight because of some misunderstanding, we've been here before."

"But I can't help but feel bad... so extremely bad because for once I feel like my reaction to his problems were so incredibly selfish, and wrong and awful. He was going through something and I wanted to help him, but he took my words the wrong way and I should've probably been more sympathetic and not gotten angry at him but I did. I did and I feel so guilty because I shouldn't be here angry at him but instead being there comforting him, telling him his feelings are valid."

"But I blew things out of proportion and I just can't help but feel that even though we're in a relationship that I'm still stuck in my self-centered ways of making things about me and I hate that, I hate how I have to invalidate the one I love because it shouldn't be like that."

I didn't even notice the tears falling down my face until I felt them trickling down my arm, making me look down as I gazed at the droplets, feeling pathetic.

There was a stretch of silence that occurred before Frank decided to cut through it:

"... You know, ever since you were young you always had this tendency to doubt your emotions thinking everybody else's problems were far bigger than yours. That you weren't allowed to feel sad or frustrated or angry with those around you because even back then you thought that being young meant you still needed to learn."

"You mostly do it when it comes to the people you love, especially your mother. Even when you were frustrated with her habit of coming back to your father despite everything he's done to her, deep down you knew she had her reasons. Deep down you knew as long as she was happy it's okay, but you kept seeing that she wasn't, that's why you were always so confused."

"Confused because you could never discern what real love was, it was all a blur to you and you couldn't tell if your mother really loved your father or if she was just too blinded by her need to save your father. Being young and seeing something like that changes your perception of what people usually say about love, how it shouldn't be selfish and blind like that."

"For the most part, they're right, it shouldn't. Your mother still had so much to learn about love as much as you did, love isn't easy and sometimes what we think is love isn't always right."

"Love is... complicated. I know people say that when you love someone, you have to be kind, patient, and understanding of them all the time, because if you aren't, you don't love them. People center love around one thing, that's why we feel guilty and confused when we don't follow what's usually deemed as acceptable."

"But the thing is though, love is complicated for a reason and is never consistent. And we fail to recognize that that's why we tend to give up when everything isn't the way we want it because as much as people don't know it, love can be selfish, angry, mean, and bitter. It isn't always perfect, because sometimes you don't always see eye-to-eye with the one you love."

"You can get a little bit lost sometimes, lose focus on what matters. But just because you lose sight of what's important doesn't make it any less important, just because you catch yourself saying or doing the wrong thing, doesn't mean you can't fix it. And just because you aren't always happy with the ones you love, does not mean you love them any less."

"Because it's one thing to intentionally do the wrong thing, but to do it by mistake because you lost your sense of direction? I don't know about you, but we have to allow ourselves to make mistakes, as long as we know we're willing to put in the effort to fix them. To recognize our mistakes after being selfish to protect our own ego."

"Because when you love someone, you can't be sure you'll always be happy with them and their actions, because at the end of the day, what matters is that they're still important to you. Them, their feelings, and their well-being," he explained.

"So maybe what your mother and father had may have not been love, considering it was one-sided and they could never seem to admit their faults or at least try their best to acknowledge them. They ignored it because they thought only of themselves."

"But from what I'm seeing of you right now, of what I've seen of Evan and the way he kept trying to make it better and recognizing his mistakes and bettering himself for you and you being the same as well... I know you're afraid you'll fall into the same hole your parents fell in, but trust me, from what I'm seeing, it's far different."

I was silent, utterly dumbfounded as I tried to digest Frank's words but kept feeling it - the tears falling down and before I knew it, Frank was by my side, hugging me as I sobbed.

He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his chest until I stopped, hiccuping here and there as Frank looked at me, gently wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly as I nodded, sniffling.

"Y-yeah, it's just... I really needed that."

He smiled as he carefully grabbed my face in between his hands as I reached up and held them, smiling back at him "I know I still have a lot to learn, and sometimes I know I'm not always right and don't have the answers... but I know at least I'm trying."

"Which is enough," he reassured, "It's not your job to know everything, sweetheart. Sometimes you just have to let things be and to figure out what went wrong in order to make it better."

Biting my lower lip, I nodded my head once more as I delved back into the comfort and warmth of Frank's embrace, about to thank him for being here for me when a ring resonated inside the house, causing us to look up as Frank slowly let me go from his hold.

"I'll go get it," he said as I allowed him to walk away and see whoever it may be at our door, all the while as I tried to compose myself just in case it may be a visitor.

It took a while before Frank came back and after some time I got curious about what's keeping him out there for so long, and so I stood up and was ready to see what happened-

When I halted in my steps, my eyes wide, and my lips parted.

Because standing in front of me is Evan himself, his gaze sad yet relieved as he stood at least five feet away from me, and with Frank nowhere to be seen, it was just him and me alone.

"M-Maggie," he stuttered, his face evident of reluctance and apprehension.

He was about to speak, his voice shaking as he took steps closer towards me "Listen, I was an ass, I-I didn't mean what I said and I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. I was just too caught up in the moment until I realized it was my fault and I know you were just trying to help and I was just too fucking stupid to see that and-"

But I didn't let him finish, didn't let him continue any further before I found myself walking up to him and throwing my arms around his shoulders as I hugged him.

He stiffened at my abrupt display of emotions but nonetheless, wrapped his arms around me in return "Maggie..."

I buried my face in the crook of his neck and inhaled his scent and indulged in his presence and his warmth and just... him. How he's here and he's trying.

And how I'm willing to try so much more because if anything, this is what we need.

The kind of love that's always putting in the effort.

The kind of love that always makes you feel how important you are in the end.

The kind of love that tries.

The kind of love that for once... I don't want to have to see fading away.

"You don't have to apologize," I told him in a muffled voice as I brought him closer towards me. "As long as you're here, I'm okay."

He was quiet for a second before he nodded, hugging me tighter as we stood there, basking in each other's presence, thinking how there's no other place I'd rather be.

No other place I'd rather be than here, in his arms, loving him.

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