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There are so many things I would rather be doing right now, I have a list growing in my head.

Hit the gym

Hit the batting cages

Text Levi

Hang out with Levi

Kiss Levi

Literally, anything to do with Levi honestly. But no.

Instead, I'm stuck in the school library waiting for Alex to come to help me with math.

Ugh, Math. Thou art a heartless bitch.

I check the time on my phone, again, noting that he is now ten minutes late. With a roll of my eyes, I stare at the paper and continue to work on the problem. I will never understand why they felt the need to add letters to math in the first place.

Who did that? I want to know so I can go back in time and kick them. Math is hard enough with just numbers.

"Hey Brandon," Miles clears his throat as I turn to see him standing behind me, shuffling on his feet and adjusting his backpack, "Can I talk to you?"

He didn't call me 'B'. I don't know why this is what sticks out most to me but it does. It almost sounds weird to hear him say my name, almost foreign on his tongue.

It's been nearly a week since I found him and Lucy together and though I can't say I'm not happy with the chain of events, what happened still hurt.

I still felt something for Miles.

But now I have a secret of my own that I'm hiding and that can't put me on higher ground.

"I have to study," I say simply, turning to look back at my math sheet and suppressing a groan at how little progress I've made.

"Uh, yeah. I uh ran into Alex and told him you had to leave early and wouldn't be in tutoring today," my head snaps to Miles again who at least has the decency to look sheepish at his confession.

"Why would you do that?! I need to pass math to play!" my voice is a whisper-shout and even still the seventy-year-old librarian glances my way with a stern look. 

Miles glances over his shoulder, noting that only a few students turned their heads to look over. They probably didn't even hear me but rather have heard the rumor circulating around and are curious to see how this interaction will play out.

With one last glance at our small audience, Miles slips into an empty chair, his eyes landing on everything but me for a good solid minute.

"I know you need to pass and I'll help, I just wanted to talk for a minute first?" he pleads, keeping his voice in a hushed whisper so that no one else can over here.

I try to look at my worksheet and focus on the problem. I try to ignore the curiosity that is churning in my gut about what could be so important he would hijack my tutoring session.

I'm not dumb though. He is probably ready to apologize about what happened with Lucy.

It dawns on me then, that an apology from him, now, would be to appease his conscious and ease his guilt. It's got nothing to do with me or actually being sorry.

If it were, he wouldn't have waited this long to approach me.

A small amount of anger flares within me. I was quick to get over the fact that he and Lucy kissed, especially considering that I never had any romantic feelings for Lucy. I should have broken things off sooner as I had originally planned.

I kept making excuse after excuse as to why it wasn't a good time to though. I can't place the blame solely on the two of them. Granted, Lucy could have just as easily ended things with me

There's no going back. No changing things. But I'm over it.

Now I just need to decide if I want to hear his excuses.

"Brandon, I never-" Miles starts but I interrupt him.

"The last time you tutored me here after you and Bridget broke up. I asked you if there was another girl because that's what the rumor was," My eyes slowly turn to meet his and he shifts uncomfortable, scratching the back of his neck, "You said no and yet you and Lucy..."

I trail off, not sure where my words - or thoughts - are going. To be honest, I hadn't even been thinking about bringing any of this up but the moment he started speaking that afternoon flashed into my head.

"Bridget thinks there's another girl." He blurts out of the blue, his shoulders relaxing slightly as he lets out a breath.

Of all the things that I thought he might say, hoped he might say, that wasn't one. Bridget and Miles have always been so happy and nauseatingly in love with each other. The idea that there is another girl is almost crazy.

What if it's not a girl, but a boy? My inner voice says, leaving me staring at Miles for any indication that I'm crazy and thinking too much.

"Is there?" I ask hesitantly when he gives nothing away.

Miles sea green eyes meet mine and there is some emotion hidden beneath their depths. Some intensity that I can't place or name, but it leaves my heart hammering against my chest, trying to escape its cage.

"No," he clears his throat, looking back to his math book, "There's no other girl."

How foolish I had been to think that he meant those words. Stupid that I had tried to convince myself that he meant there was no other girl because there was me. And now, the need to know this specific truth outweighing everything else.

My eyes don't leave Miles and I can almost see that he is fighting his inner voice. Finally, he breaks eye contact and looks at the table like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"I think she suspected Lucy, but she never actually said her name," Miles takes a deep breath, shifting in his seat, "at first I thought Bridget was just being jealous. I mean, I'm allowed to talk to other girls just like she can talk to other guys but the day she broke up with me,"

Miles trailed off as if he couldn't keep his thoughts in order. His fingers drummed on the table and I waited for a beat and then another for him to continue.

"I didn't even realize that Bridget was right until that morning. That's the truth. When I was talking to Lucy I just thought I was being nice to my friends' girlfriend. I thought all the texting and calls was just a way to help her adjust to everything. At least that's what I told myself." Miles was nodding to himself and I could see a sense of guilt dancing in his eyes.

But it was weighing on my shoulders.

The two of them had been calling and texting each other? I was her boyfriend and I can't even remember now if I texted her once?  I know for certain, I never called her just to talk.

I thought that dating Lucy was a great idea at the beginning, something to help hide my secret and benefit her too. That great idea has surely backfired on me and now it's my guilt that's eating away at me.

"I wanted to tell you that day that I had feelings for Lucy, but I couldn't. I looked at you waiting to answer and the words lodged in my throat. So I said no and I swore that I meant it." his face was sincere as he held my eyes.

My own thoughts lost in a sea of guilt and trying to process everything that he's saying. Slowly, the words digest and it leaves me one more question that I have to know the answer to.

"So why'd you kiss her?" my voice was lower than a whisper and I'm not sure that he even heard me until he nods like he expected this question.

"Honestly?" I nod slowly to his words and he offers me a rueful smile.

"She called me to talk, she said about one of our assignments, but I could tell something was up so I invited myself over. We sat on her bed and she immediately started getting upset and asked if there was something wrong with her because she felt like you weren't interested anymore," my eyes widen at his words and if possible, more guilt is thrown onto my shoulders.

"She's so beautiful and funny and just amazing, B. I hated listening to it and even though I knew it was wrong, at that moment, the only thing I could think of was showing her just that."  It's a simple answer and one that I really can't be mad at.

Even though I really want to be. Lucy is all those things and she deserves someone who is willing to show her how much she means to them. I never wanted to be this bad guy who made a girl doubt her own self-worth.

Like I'm now doubting my own now.

<3 <3 <3 <3

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