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Levi: Hey ;)

Levi: I shouldn't distract you while you're trying to learn but I can't stop thinking about you

Levi: Let's meet up tonight? The park?

Another chime of my phone has me glancing at it. What can I say, it's a habit. But I can't bring myself to answer Levi's texts. Not with Miles' words running through my head from moments ago.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm the bad guy in my life. Since the moment I came to terms with my sexuality, I always assumed the bad guy would be some jock in college or another aspect of my life.

Stereotypical I know, but it's honestly kinda what I thought. I never expected it to be me!

And yet, I used Lucy for my own selfish reasons. I did everything I could to convince myself that it was the right thing for both of us.

I convinced myself that I was doing okay at the boyfriend thing. Yes, I admit, I knew all along that I needed some help and to step it up, but I never thought I was horrible.

Until Miles. Why does everything come back to Miles?!

Miles' truth slapped me in the face. He was a better boyfriend than I was and he wasn't even trying.

That does beg the question though, Was I really trying?

When I kept telling myself that I would be a better boyfriend to her, did I ever actually take the steps to change?

I hate that I don't know that answer to that off the top of my head. I hate that I even have to question it because if the answer isn't immediately yes then I did more harm then I ever intended to.

It would mean that I intentionally hurt Lucy with my actions.

I try to keep telling myself this was all just collateral damage and the fallout was inevitable. I mean it's not like I could have married her to make an honest woman out of her.

But I'm a liar. It could have all been avoided if I wasn't such a coward. If I would just stand up and own my truth, none of this would have happened.

Guilt stabs me for the millionth time just as another text pops through.

Levi: Hope everything is okay

Levi. Something I didn't see coming and the only good thing out of all this. But after my conversation with Miles earlier, I'm questioning what it means to be with him after what I've done to Lucy.

Will he hate me for using his sister that way? I wouldn't blame him if he does once he knows the truth.

If I know anything right now, it's that I have to tell him. I don't want to be the bad guy. Not in my own story.

Me: Tonight sounds good

I toss my phone onto my backpack and take a deep breath hoping that I am making the right choice.

****

"You're quiet tonight," Levi observes from next to me as we lay out on the hood of Levi's Toyota Camry looking at the stars.

The park, as always this time of night, is empty. The breeze is light, making it a perfect night to stargaze.

There is something comforting about Levi, myself and the stars.

"Lot on my mind today, I guess," I shrug though I don't know if Levi saw it.

I want to play it cool. I don't want to give anything away because I'm still not one hundred percent convinced that I want to tell anything to Levi. Right now, on the hood of my car with Levi, is something I don't know that I'm ready to potentially lose.

Levi's hand skims down the length of my arm. His fingertips practically leaving a trail of fire in their wake before he carefully laces his fingers with mine.

"You can talk to me, you know. About anything." His voice a whispered promise that in any other situation would probably put my mind at ease.

But not now. Not with his sister being my technical ex that I knowingly used.

Dammit. Why does Levi have to be so perfect?!

My mind reels between telling him and not telling him. But I know that I can't start a relationship on lies. Maybe I can test the waters a little first.

"Miles came to talk to me today," Levi's fingers tighten around mine, "he wanted to clear the air. Apologize, I guess."

It wasn't really an apology. It was more of a sorry, not sorry thing. Honestly, I don't blame him though. I can't expect an apology for the situation that I practically pushed them into.

"Hopefully you punched him," Levi muttered under his breath but I heard and turn to sharply glare at him.

"What?" I didn't need him to repeat what he said, I'm just having a hard time believing what I heard.

Levi pulls his fingers from mine while sitting up on the hood. His hand runs through his hair before he takes a deep breath before letting out a noise of frustration.

I sit up to on instinct. My hands moving to his shoulders and rubbing small circles for comfort as if that's what they were made to be doing.

"Look," he says after a minute of silence, "Though I'm not sorry you and Lucy ended, I'm pissed about what happened. and believe me, I know Luce is to blame just as much as he is, but he was your friend first. I just,"

Levi trails off, his eyes scanning the dark trees that surrounded us. The sound of the swing gently swaying is the only noise I can hear over the rush of blood in my ears.

He's not putting any of the blame where it rightfully belongs.

"Levi," My hands drop to my side. The words dance in my head.

All the things I need to say, all that I could say, sitting right on the tip of the tongue just waiting for me to breathe them to life.

"Loyalty means something to me," He whispers and I have to fight my lungs to gulp in any air.

"I'm not innocent in this, you know." I slide off the hood and pace in front of him.

I see him make to move but I put my hand up to stop him. If I don't get this off my chest I fear I never will.

"I'm just as much to blame, if not more so, Levi," my pacing continues and my hands begin to wring together.

Why is this so hard to say?

Because it could mean the end to everything we have. Everything I have done - no matter how horrible has led me to Levi and as much as I hate myself for the hurt that I've inflicted, I can't bring myself to regret any of it.

That really does make me the villain.

"I like your sister," the world began to get watery as I stopped pacing and looked at Levi, "But I knew from the beginning that I.... wasn't attracted to her." I swallow thickly as I watch what I said settle into Levi's mind.

I look towards the swings, watching for a second as they sway gently in the light breeze. How simple life was when that was what I looked forward to in a day.

I don't like that the silence is dragging on, but I'm not sure what else to say, or what I expect him to say. Maybe nothing needs to be said.

Maybe I should walk away and that will be that.

I take a small step back towards my jeep parked a few spaces away. And then another all well willing my tears not to fall.

"I'm sorry," I say just loud enough for Levi to hear before turning away from Levi.

I take another two steps but my feet refuse to move any farther away.

Why am I always walking away from him? Why don't I fight for what I want? Maybe he could forgive me, I mean it might not be right away but don't I deserve the chance to be forgiven?

If I walk away now, then I might never know. But on the same coin, why isn't Levi stopping me?

My mind is torn between two impossible choices. Stay and risk rejection or walk away and be certain things are over. But I don't get the chance to make my choice, because I feel a hand on my shoulder turning me around.

Levi's lips smash onto mine. His hands cradle my face as if any pressure at all will shatter me.

He doesn't realize that while I won't shatter, I will combust. His lips are like sparks setting a flame to life within me until I'm burning brighter than I ever thought imaginable.

My hands - his hands - explore the new territory they've been given the freedom to navigate. It's a dance to the rhythm that our hearts are beating to.

Our lips are frantic together and when I noise sounds from the back of Levi's throat, I practically lose any control I have. I push him back until his body meets the side of his Camry.

His fingers find the belt loops of my jeans, pulling me impossibly closer to him. I'm chasing that noise he made, wanting more than anything to hear it again.

My lips move to his jaw, nipping and sucking an invisible trail until I can feel the pulse in his neck with my tongue.

"Brandon," my name is said like a prayer and I feel his hands move under the hem of my shirt.

His fingertips leaving a blazing trail on my skin that the cool night air can't extinguish.

I pull away for air and our eyes lock. There are so many emotions that I can't tell why I'm breathless.

"That was...unexpected," I feel like an idiot once the words leave my mouth but my brain doesn't seem to want to function properly while trying to breathe properly.

Neither of us makes a move to pull away and as hard as it is to not continue, it's too soon to go further. And if and when it happens, it won't be in a dark parking lot.

"I understand," his voice is soft and his forehead drops to meet mine, "I dated women when I was nearly certain I was gay."

His hands skim my arms until our fingers lace again. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than right here, with my body pressed against his and his whispers in my ear.

"though I'm not happy it was my sister, it brought you to me, so I can't be too mad about it." his laugh is like a medicine moving through my body and healing me.

"I'm only sorry for the mess I've made," I lift my head and move a step back even though it's nearly painful to do.

"Miles told me he actually likes Lucy. Real feelings and I guess I kinda gave him my blessing to date her," Levi looks at me a beat before laughing again.

"Your blessing? What is this the eighteen hundreds?" he shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

I can't help but laugh too because it does sound ridiculous. They don't need my blessing but I figure that if Miles actually likes her, then they deserve to see where it could go.

And I don't want any awkwardness that they think I may harbor get in the way.

"Just don't be mean to him. It's not his fault that what happened happened," before I can finish my sentence, Levi pulls me into a hug.

His arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders and my own arms clinging to him.

It seems I'll have to make a list of all my favorite places to be with Levi because this is another 'where I would rather be' moment. Anywhere wrapped in his arms, the smell of his old spice surrounding me like a blanket and time freezing around us.

<3 <3 <3 <3

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