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I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous and there really isn't even a specific cause. It's a little of everything that is causing this nervous jitter tremor throughout my body.

My hands tighten and untighten on the steering wheel as I drive to Gunner's place. There are so many ways that the next hour can go and that only makes my anxiety worse.

At least I hope it can't be any more awkward than this morning at the breakfast table with my parents. I smile at the very thought.

"Well Brandon, what are you all dressed up for this morning?" My mother asks as she cuts her french toast. I look down at my jeans and band T-shirt in confusion, this is practically the same thing I wear every day.

It's not like I'm wearing my Sunday best.

"Um, I was gonna go hang with Gunner," I shrug before taking the last few bites of my food. I see my dad peek over the newspaper at me before he and my mom share a look.

It's weird when you watch two people have a silent conversation, especially when you know they are talking about you. I mean they aren't exactly being subtle about it, with their nods and gesturing in my direction.

Before I can tell them to just say whatever they're thinking, my dad sighs and shifts his focus on me.

"Brandon," he says, pushing his finished plate towards the middle of the table before folding his hands together and looking at me, "this is going to be uncomfortable for both of us, so instead of dragging it out, I'm just going to say it." His eyes close briefly while he takes a deep breath.

"You and Gunner are being ... safe... right?" My eyes widened to the size of saucers and I started to choke on nothing, but he continued, "though I'm not promoting it in any way, I'm not an idiot and would rather know you're being protected, so if you need me to buy you some ... condoms..." he trails off, clearly uncomfortable as he looks at my mom, who nods in understanding and reaches out and puts her hand on top of his in support.

He opens his mouth like he has more to say, what I couldn't even begin to know, but I put my hand up to stop him.

"Thanks for the offer, I guess, but Gunner and I aren't together. Gunner is one hundred and ninety-nine percent straight." I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks and it's not from the implication of being with Gunner.

It's because all I can think of now is Levi and the thought that if he forgives me, there would be firsts for us to cross. And the idea of asking my dad for condoms to use would be beyond embarrassing.

"Oh well," dad clears his throat, reaching for the paper that he had put down, "Good for him. I mean obviously not because he's straight but because you're a catch and he would be so lucky to have you -"

"Just stop, Matt," my mom says before she's looking at me, "I think what your father is saying is that the offer stands for any boy you may be dating. He's right, we don't want you doing ... that... but we know how teenagers are. And we trust you to make good choices."

I nod, not really knowing what else to say. As much as I want them to know about Levi, the fact that we really aren't together will make that whole conversation more complicated. I really don't want to get into those nitty-gritty details, especially when I'm still trying to figure it out. So I say the first thing that sounds appropriate.

"Thank you," whether it works or not I'm not sure but they both seemed pleased with themselves.

Gunner is waiting in his driveway when I pull up. His basketball shorts sway as he dribbles barefoot up the driveway before attempting a slam dunk in the hoop above his garage. He fails but doesn't let that discourage him as he rounds about to try again, but locks eyes on me.

My heart stutters in my chest at what I'm about to do. Taking a deep breath, I straighten my shoulders and get out of my car.

"Hey Gun," I say as he tosses his head back in a what's up motion. His hands continue dribbling the ball before he bounces it to me.

"Game of Horse?" he says, placing his hands on his hips catching his breath. I nod, pushing my keys into the pocket of my jeans.

Gunner gestures for me to take the first shot and I take two steps back, toward the sidewalk. I bounce the ball twice, lining up the shot before jumping. The ball sails through the air, landing through the net with a satisfying swoosh.

"Lucky shot," He mutters under his breath as he chases the ball down, before coming to stand in my exact spot, "So who's going to talk first, because I'm still mad as hell and think you should," he says before taking his shot and we both watch as the ball arcs the same way it did for me, sliding easily into the net.

"I'm not really sure where to start, honestly," I say, tossing him the ball so that he can take his shot. Gunner nods and I can see him looking me over like he's trying to guess what I'm going to say.

No doubt he's still wondering if Lucy is possibly pregnant and if it's mine, but that's pretty far off the mark. Still, I can't help but be curious about what he sees. Maybe after I tell him, he'll say he saw it in me the whole time? Or he'll ask me how long I've felt gay. I wouldn't even know how to answer that because I don't feel gay. I mean it's not like feeling cold or feeling unwell. It's hardly a feeling at all, like feeling like you need oxygen to breathe. Yes, it's there and you know you're feeling it, but it's not something you really think about or control.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't have this conversation in my head hoping to gauge his reaction. I need to put on my big boy pants and come clean. For Levi.

No. For me. Levi is a bonus.

"Well, I already know about Miles and Lucy, they're practically a couple now. So what did she want at the party?" he says, stepping onto the small brick wall off of the driveway that his mom keeps around her rose bushes. He lines up the shot and the ball bounces off the backboard, falling through the net.

"I really couldn't tell you. I don't remember seeing her at the party," He tosses me the ball as I take my place on the wall, "last I saw her was a little after the game, she was talking with her brother,"

"Yeah he looked pretty pissed that night too," Gunner's words shock me and the ball leaves my fingers not even coming close to the net. My eyes are wide as I stare at the ball bouncing away but Gunner is quick to chase it.

"H" he says smugly, passing my the ball to set up the new trick shot.

"Um, yeah," I laugh hoping Gunner doesn't hear any of the uneasiness in it, "I forgot you met her brother once," I walk closer to my car, trying to ignore the shakiness that I feel as I take the shot, but once again, the ball doesn't even come close to the net.

"We've chatted a couple of times when I've seen him at the gym since we met," he says calmly as if we were talking about the weather. But this is news to me, and I try not to let my surprise show.  I'm really unsure how I should feel about this. I mean I trust Levi and I think I would know if he let it slip that he and I were... No there is no way Levi wouldn't have told Gunner or anyone. Still, I can't help but watch Gunner, wondering if he already knows what I have to say.

Gunner lines up next to my car to attempt the shot, and the ball rolls around the rim before dropping into the net.

"HO," he laughs, slapping me on the shoulder, his smile that of the cat that ate the canary. I nod absently, trying not to get lost in my head. If I wander too far down the rabbit hole I will chicken out.

It's now or never Brandon.

"Yeah, he was mad," I say pausing only long enough to ensure that I have Gunner's attention, "no, mad isn't the right word, he was upset,"

"What do you mean?" he tucks the basketball under his arm, not even moving to line up his next shot. Instead, his eyes are trained on me as I try not to squirm. I take a deep breath, steadying myself and picture Levi in my mind.

Give me strength.

"Gun," my eyes meet his briefly before they shift to look at my shoes, "Levi and I..." I can feel my eyes watering as emotion claws at my throat.

"I'm gay, Gunner." The words leave me barely above a whisper, but I know he heard me and I can't stop the rush that follows, "Levi and I were a thing and we got into a huge fight that night because he came out and I wasn't ready to yet,"

The weight that leaves my chest is indescribable. I feel invincible and vulnerable at the same time and I realize that that's what love does to you. It's intoxicating and terrifying and that's what makes it so great.

Minutes pass by in silence as I rock onto my heels, unsure of what I should do or even say. Really, the ball is in Gunner's court but that doesn't stop my mouth from deciding to fill the silence.

"Lucy didn't know or maybe still doesn't," I realize I had never ask Levi if he told his sister about me, but I don't worry about it now, "I barely told my parents after the party and literally this is seriously the second time I've said it out loud but-"

"Why?" Gunner says moving the ball back into his hands, twirling it in a circle.

"Why?"

"Why weren't you ready to come out then but a few hours later you are?" Gunner takes a deep breath, squinting down the street like he sees something before he continues, "How long have you known and Why did you even date Lucy?"

I try not to wince but the implication and the guilt that comes back. There's no denying that I used Lucy for my own selfish reasons and everyone is about to know it.

"Lucy didn't know about me, so when she kissed Miles she thought-" I guess it doesn't matter what she thought, I'm still the one in the wrong.

"It doesn't matter, I know I fucked everything up. I don't blame her for being with Miles," I kick at a rock that was by my foot, watching it roll across the pavement before landing in the street. I'm already on a roll so I decide to just give Gunner the rest of the story.

"I was scared when Levi told me he came out and I did the only thing I could think of to protect myself, I pushed him away and ran," I risk a glance at Gunner to see that he is watching me but I can't read the expression, "It hurt like hell, Gun, saying goodbye to him, thinking he and I were over felt like... I can't even describe it. I just wanted it to stop, to be numb, so I -"

"Tossed your keys at me and got completely shitfaced at the party." He finishes for me, his eyes focused on the basketball when I look up at him.

I hate that I can't get a read on him. I would trade almost anything to know what he is thinking right now. Is he thinking that I'm an idiot? Is he disgusted with the things that I've done for the sake of my secret? That would make two of us.

"Okay, but you still haven't answered one question. Why now?"

"I don't remember the party, or how I got home -" My eyes lift to meet his when I remember something, "I'm sorry for disappearing, by the way, I found out yesterday that Levi took me home. My parents knew that I came home drunk and were super pissed, but all I could think about was Levi." I shrug my shoulders like this explained everything, and to me it did, but I didn't expect it to make any sense to anyone else.

Still, if nothing else, I needed him to understand one thing.

"Gunner, I'm still me, the same me that you've known longer than anyone else. Only one small thing is different now," I fight the urge to step closer only because I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

"Shit, Brandon," Gunner says, pushing his hand through his hair, before tossing the ball towards the net. It bounces off the backboard towards me and I step back to catch it, holding it in my hands as I wait for him to say something.

After a few beats of silence, it's all I can do to not break down in front of him. My head nods slightly in understanding, even though I don't really understand. But I can't force anyone to accept me.

Not knowing what else to say or do, I roll the ball towards him, turning towards my car before the tears in my eyes fall. I've said what I came to say and he listened. That's about all I could've asked of him.

"You can't just drop something like that an expect me to be able to wrap my head around it immediately," Gunner says before I hear the sound of the ball being dribbled, "I mean, I've got questions," He pauses and I risk a glance over my shoulder before turning to face him.

"Besides, you don't want to stay a 'HO' do you?" he says, passing me the ball, before pointing to where he was standing so I can try to make the shot he missed.

He smiles and though it's not his normal Gunner smile, I know that eventually, things will be okay between us. Maybe even better than okay now that this secret isn't hanging above us like a hammer ready to drop.

<3 <3 <3 <3

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