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It's kind of a trip to see how far I've come from only a few months ago. I mean, had someone told me back when I first got the stupid idea to 'date' Lucy, that this was the road I would end up down, I seriously wouldn't have believed them.

A small part of me was honestly beginning to think that I would never be here. It's like driving a really long distance and seeing the mountains in the distance. You see them, acknowledge that you're moving towards them, but no matter how many miles you cover, they never seem to be closer. Then suddenly, there you are, the distance covered and the mountain behind you.

It's hard to believe that I made it. I've covered the distance and reached where I never thought I'd be. Though I still have miles to go, it won't make me any less proud of the progress I've made.

I sit in my jeep, staring at the school, trying to drum up the energy to deal with classes today. Truth is my mind couldn't be further away from scholastic activities.

In fact, my mind is almost exactly four miles away, probably getting ready for his classes as well.

I shake my head, my eyes trying to avoid my phone sitting on the passenger seat next to me.

I haven't talked to Levi since Saturday outside his house. It's not a matter of not wanting to call or text him either. When I left Gunner's house yesterday, my finger hovered over his contact ready to dial him and tell him how it went. I can't even count the number of times I started a text message only to delete it instead of sending it.

No, what's stopping me is one hundred percent fear. Fear of rejection - of losing the one thing that I want more than I think I've ever wanted anything before.

I know he loves me, I know it the same way I know that the sun will rise. It's just a matter of showing him that I'm worthy of his love.

I fucked it up once and that was one too many times.  I asked him to give me a chance to prove myself and that's what I'm going to do.

So here I sit, at the metaphorical crossroads, wondering how far I have to go to show him?

I've come out to the few that matter the most to me.

True, my friends and my teammates are important to me but when we graduate, we'll mostly all lose contact with each other.

My eyes scanned the kids standing outside of the school, all laughing and talking in their cliques. It's so easy to feel like the king of the world when you're with your group.

It's an invincibility that we let blind ourselves into believing will last forever. We tell each other that these high school friendships will last forever, but that's not the case.

The sad reality is in high school, we don't really know who we are. It's still a lesson we have to learn and this phase of the journey is what links us as friends.

Right now, we are all set on the same goal - get out of high school as fast as we can and move onto the next stage.

What we don't acknowledge is that the next part of the journey will divide these friendships.

Sure, maybe we'll stay friends on Facebook, liking each other's pictures and feigning mild interest in where each other's lives have gone.

But inevitably, they will mostly become the funny stories of our youths and the inevitable 'when I was younger' lessons we pass to the next generation.

There is usually an exception. One person who slips past the rest and becomes irreplaceable no matter what phase of the journey you're on. 

Words cannot express how thankful I am that Gunner didn't push me away. He's my exception. The friend that I hope to have barbeques with one day, with our families surrounding us as we reminisce about our high school days.

The bell rings and the kids all turn to walk into the building, but I don't leave my car. I stare straight ahead until every last student disappears and then, I reach for my phone.

I don't think as I dial the number. Thinking will lead to overthinking which will only lead to me chickening out and putting it off until later, where the cycle will start again.

The line rings and my heart pounds. Words racing through my mind, everything I want to say, everything I should have said. The need to tell him that I want it all; the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.

I try not to get discouraged when I get his voicemail. Instead, I take a deep breath and wait for the beep.

"Levi," I pause, looking back at the school knowing I'm getting more late by the minute, but not caring at all, "I'll be at our spot at the park around five. I hope you'll be there too." I waited for another second thinking if there is anything else to say, before hanging up the phone.

I stare at my phone until the screen goes dark, before taking a breath and grabbing my backpack. I would have to go to the office for a pass to class and try to make it through the day without an anxiety attack.

I told him that I would show him, told him I would prove it to him. If he shows up today then I will explain everything to him. And if what I've done doesn't show him, then I don't know what else will, or if anything else will.

But before I go to the park and hopefully meet him, I have to do one more thing. There is one more person who needs to know the truth, needs to know my truth.

I need to find Lucy.

***

Why does it seem like whenever I'm not looking for someone - they're everywhere, and when I want to talk to them - they're nowhere to be found?

I've done nothing different in my daily routine, aside from being late to my first class, and haven't seen even a glimpse of Lucy.

I stand in the cafeteria, my eyes roaming over all the tables and groups looking for her. Gunner sees me and gives the what's up nod and I can see the question in his eyes as he tilts his head as if to say are you coming over here? 

I shake my head with a smile. I don't think he'll ever really know how much it means to me that he didn't reject my friendship. I still don't really understand what there is to 'get used to' but I guess it doesn't matter. The way I see it, I needed time to come to terms with it myself before I let people know, so if he needs to come to terms with it, however or whatever that means to him, then fine. As long as he's still the same old Gun that he's always been.

Miles appears in my vision as my heart does a nervous jump when I see Lucy walking next to him. I don't think - I've done too much of that already and it has caused nothing but trouble - as I move quickly towards them not wanting to lose them in the crowded lunchroom.

"Lucy!" My hand gently grabs her shoulder and her surprised eyes turn to find mine, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I say, looking between her and Miles as I try not to let my nerves show.

One day, I know I'll get to a point where I'm not nervous about telling people anymore - I hope- but like the mountain in the distance, I'm not there yet.

"um," Lucy looks to Miles and then back to me, uncertainty is written on her face. It dawns on me then, that I really haven't talked to her since just after her and I broke up. Even then, the only thing I really said was that it was over, done and in the past.

Wow. This talk really is long overdue.

"Please?" I ask as Miles gives her a small smile, one that I hope is reassuring her, and when she nods I nearly exhale audibly in relief. I step to the side, and she moves forward, allowing me to fall into step beside her.

We walk in silence towards the doors leading outside. It's a beautiful day, blue skies and perfect fluffy white clouds dotting the sky the way they should be. The cool breeze feels good on my skin and I take a deep breath to steady the nerves.

"So you and Miles?" My hands find their ways to the pockets of my jeans as we head toward the low wall surrounding the grass area.

"It's not official," her voice trails off as she sits on the wall. I stand in front of her, my eyes moving around us before landing back on her.

"It's none of my business really, anyway. I was just curious -"

"I'm sorry, Brandon," she says quickly cutting me off, something close to shame washing over her face and I'm sure mine, "I didn't mean to -"

"Let me go first," It's my turn to cut her off, not wanting to hear an apology from her for something that by all accounts is my fault.

Lucy nods slowly and I take a second to gather my thoughts. There are so many things I need to say, to apologize for, and trying to organize it all, is only flustering me more.

"I owe you an apology, several apologies actually," I start slowly trying to not look away in shame and failing miserably.

"It all started with fear, from there everything just spiraled and got too far out of control that I couldn't stop it. No matter what I tried it just made everything worse-"

"No, I should have talked to you instead of Miles -" She interrupts me again and it's frustrating. I know it's me, I'm not making sense but I'm trying to make her understand where I was coming from.

"I'm talking about way before that. I shouldn't have even brought you into it, but the idea at the time was safe and I was scared," something flashes in Lucy's expression, something so close to recognition that my heart skip a little, whether in fear or relief I'm not sure, and I think she's piecing it together.

"I don't want to go down the should have, could haves, road now. And I'm truly sorry you were caught in the middle but if I'm being honest with myself and with you, I don't think I would change it because in the end - we both got something. At least, nothing official yet." Her cheeks tint pink and I see the small smile playing on her lips as her head dips down to look at her feet.

The road may have been bumpy and it may have caused a few casualties that I didn't see coming, but anyone with eyes could see the chemistry between Miles and Lucy.  

"I've seen the way Miles looks at you and the way you look at him. It's the same way that I-" I trail off, my mind flashing with Levi and thoughts that he may not forgive me, may not want me back. Sometimes burned bridges can't be rebuilt.

"It's the same way Levi looks at you," Lucy says simply, my head snapping to hers as emotions I can't name roll over me. I can feel them tightening in my throat, threatening to suffocate me as tears fill my eyes.

My mouth moves but nothing comes out. I want to ask about him, how he's doing - if he misses me, but it's not the time and even if it were, my voice seems to be lost in all the emotion.

"It makes sense now, actually. He got so angry after everything that happened and then one day, so happy. Happier then I had seen him in a while. I - I didn't react well when he came out as gay. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's my brother, I love him, but the shock caused me to not react well. I just wanted answers, how long he knew? Why he didn't tell me? Why come out then - but he got upset that I was so nosey, asked why I just couldn't accept it and had to have answers that would ruin everything and that I didn't need," She trails off again and I wonder if she is replaying it in her mind, frame by frame and kicking herself for not doing it differently.

"I never meant to hurt you, Luce. Believe me, that wasn't my intention. I just wasn't ready and I was panicking that my secret would come out." Her eyes meet mine and a small smile plays on her lips as she nods.

"So why now - Why come out now when you were so desperate to hide it?" She stands from the wall but doesn't move closer to me. I can't help but wonder if it's her curiosity asking or the fact that though I have eluded to the truth, I haven't' come right out and said it.

My eyes connect with hers and I straighten so that she will see the truth in my words, "I love him. I-I pushed him away in fear but being without him is so much worse than anything else the truth could possibly bring out,"

There's a nest of silence between us as Lucy mulls over what I said. How long is socially acceptable for these pauses because I'm about to start prattling I'm just glad fill the silence.

"Do you want my blessing or something? I mean why tell me all this?" Her eyes connect with something over my shoulder and I can't help but to glance just as Miles is stepping out the lunch room doors.

He gives us a nod but doesn't move to come closer, giving us privacy that I appreciate even though Lucy will more than likely tell him everything.

"I'm telling you because you deserve the truth, no matter if Levi and I get together or not," she smiles, but I'm not sure if at my words or at Miles, "you deserve to know that I was a terrible date to you and I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty for things that were my fault."

Lucy nods and moves to step around me but stops right beside me.

"It's done. It's over and it's in the past," she surprises me by leaning over and kissing me on the cheek, "we both made mistakes and we both learned from them."

With those parting words she walks away and I turn just in time to see Miles reach out for her hand, locking their fingers together.

<3 <3 <3 <3

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