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I can't remember now why I thought it would be a good idea to set an alarm for five. I guess maybe I was hoping for something like a romance movie, where this sweet song starts playing and the character looks up and there they are, staring into the eyes of their lover. But as I hit the snooze on the alarm for the second time, I realize it was a stupid idea to begin with.

To pass the time, my mind finds it fun to torment me with memories of the last time I was on this bench; Of Levi's arms and lips. His words ringing in my ear with the torture of my mistakes.

Despite everything that has happened, I honestly thought that he'd be here. I thought he would come and I knew wishing for things to go back to how it was would be nearly impossible, but I thought maybe we could start over.

I thought he loved me. I would've put my hand on the Bible and testified in court that he did, but maybe I had misread and misjudged everything.

The soft music from my phone starts and I close my eyes in defeat as the weight of heartache settles in my chest. I don't bother snoozing the alarm this time. I waited, I kept the hope but at some point, I need to realize he's not coming.

I can feel my lower jaw begin to tremble and I know that tears aren't far behind. But I won't cry, not yet. I'm not ready to fully mourn the relationship and maybe I won't ever be. Maybe I will keep pushing it off one more day until finally, I wake up and the pain is gone. Maybe just like that, I will be able to move on if I give it time.

It doesn't work that way, my mind taunts and even though I know it's the truth, I'm not ready to face it.

"I didn't think you'd still be here," my head turns towards the voice, my heart already knowing what my head tries to deny.

Levi stands a few feet away from me, hands in his jean pockets as he looks around the park. His hair looks soft and I can tell he had run his hand through it a few times, but I refuse to allow myself to believe he did it specifically for me, because He knew I loved that look on him.

His hazel eyes meet mine and despite continuing to tell myself to stay calm and not build up too much hope, my heart doesn't listen.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Will you ever learn? My mind taunts but my heart continues to beat in excitement.

"I, uh, wasn't gonna give up easily," I want to smack myself for that stupid response, especially when Levi makes a 'hm' noise in his throat and rocks back on his heels.

I stand from the bench quickly and Levi's eyes snap to me at the motion. He automatically takes a step back like a scared animal and I feel a frown tugging at my lips. I don't know what to do, what to say. All I knew was I had to see him, had to get him here and I did.

So now I have to wing it, I guess.

"Do you want to sit?" I motion to the bench, but he shakes his head, his eyes not staying on one particular object as he looks around us.

"Thank you for coming. I know -"

"I debated it," Levi says, cutting me off, his eyes dropping to his shoes as he kicks at a rock, "I wasn't sure if I should. I mean you know what they say, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..." He trails off with a shrug and I try not to wince at his words, but they hurt.

It takes me a minute to absorb it all, to really digest what he's saying and I have to trample the fear down. I've come too far to chicken out now. Whether I like where this goes or not, we need to have this talk. And of all the places I want to start, all the things I should say, all I can focus on is one thing he said.

"So why did you? Come here- I mean," I know I owe him answers not the other way around and yet, I couldn't help myself. I needed to know the answer before I could move on. Some might call it hopefulness,  while others call it self-sabotage.

As for me, I'd call it selfishness. Because that's exactly what it is - selfish. I want his answer before I expose myself to too much hurt.

Levi lets out a defeated sigh, his shoulders sagging as his eyes glance at something above my head.

"You know why," he whispers.

I close the distance between us before he can try and take a step back. My hands hesitantly reach for his arms, trailing down until I'm able to pull his hands from his pockets and hold them in my own. His skin is warm as I lace my fingers through his, trying hard to catch his eye.

"I know I fucked up," I say giving up on meeting his eyes and instead focus on how our hands fit perfectly together, "I was scared and started to feel like the walls were closing in. That doesn't make it right and I know that nothing I do or say could ever make up for the fact that I hurt you.  But it took losing you to make me see clearly and aside from hurting you, I can't bring myself to say I'd do anything else differently."

Levi's eyes fly to mine and his expression is unreadable. He tries to pull his hands away but I don't let go.

"Everything that happened led me here - to you. If I say that I'd do something here or there differently, it could affect this," I don't take my eyes from his as I let go of one of his hands and reach to cup his cheek gently, "I'm sorry I took the scenic route and it took me longer to get here,"

I wish I could read his mind, find out what exactly it is flashing across his hazel eyes when everything else is still and silent. His eyes drop to our hands and he gently pulls them from me wrapping them around himself like a shield.

"Brandon," his voice is low as he shakes his head slowly side to side, "I-I feel like I've heard all this before and yet somehow we always end up back here. Maybe -"

"Don't say it," I plead not liking where this is going, but he doesn't hear me.

"- Maybe we're just not meant to be," his watery eyes lift to meet mine as he shudders a breath, "I love you and I- I know you love me, but maybe we're doomed to be no more then that first love story,"

"I can't believe that," my head shakes as I fight off tears of my own, "I refuse to believe that,"

Levi doesn't say anything and I can feel my pain, my sadness turning to an all consuming anger.

"No. No! I will not give up and I won't let you give up either," I point an accusing finger at him, "No, this is more than just a first love story, it always has been!"

"Brandon, I don't-" Levi starts but my fight or flight instincts have kicked in and I'm fighting.

"This is our story okay, and yes, it's kinda messy right now and painful as shit, if I'm being honest, but for good and bad it's ours, Levi! You and me - first love, last love, and everything in between!" Tears trail down my flush cheeks as I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.

It feels like I'm suffocating - like the air is rejecting my body or vice versa. Strangled noises leave my lips as I fail to fight off a sob. Levi watches me with tears in his eyes, his arms slowly loosening around his middle.

"No relationship is perfect . But we're worth it - I'm worth it-" my voice breaks as Levi rushes to me, his arms wrapping tightly around my middle, cutting off my sentence.

Being in his arms again, it's like coming home after being gone for a while. Everything is so familiar and comfortable - you can't even remember why you had left in the first place and you never want to leave again.

"Shhh" he soothes in my ear, as I fist his shirt in my hands, pulling him to me.

"I'm so sorry - I tried to make it up to you, I tried to fix it,"

"Shhh. I know. I know," he pulls away slightly just enough to cup my face in his hands.

His eyes study mine and I know I probably look far from attractive with my red, puffy eyes but this is my last ditch attempt.

"I love you," I whisper, "With everything that I am,"

"I love you too," Levi whispers before kissing me soft and slow, sealing my fate with his lips. There is no more me without him.

"Are you sure you're ready... ready?" He asks hesitantly, looking for any sign, probably even the slightest flinch or waver in my resolve.

But I give him none because I have none. Instead, I smile and turn towards the mostly empty park.

"My name is Brandon, I'm gay and I'm in love with the most amazing man!" I shout as an embarrassed Levi tried to turn me back around to face him.

"You're crazy! Stop it," he says with the smile I love.

"I've never been more ready than I am now," I say sincerely, lacing our fingers together and holding them between us.

"You better not make the same mistake twice," he says and despite the heaviness of moments ago, I laugh.

"Baby," I moving my arms around his shoulders, pulling him toward me until his forehead rests against mine, "I really don't think I'm that stupid."

<3 <3 <3 <3

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