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*Nolan's POV*

These days, I was much more comfortable being by myself, which was highly unlike me. Today was Friday, and I'd been trying to avoid my own friends.

The day my brother had let Asher technically babysit made me feel... well, like a baby. I knew the conditions Justin had were for Asher to keep me safe and busy to avoid any attacks, so that was why I did my best to make sure we kept

each other busy.

My point was, I couldn't help but feel like a huge load on everyone's shoulders. Here I was dragging Asher into this complicated life of mine and making him another person that carried my problems. I barely even knew him; he didn't need that.

I was at my locker that morning, just staring into it as I thought to myself.

"Are you okay?" I heard.

"I'm fine!" I snapped. Realizing myself, I turned around to quickly apologize when I saw Shane there. My eyes widened. "I'm so sorry."

"Bad day?" he raised an eyebrow and I just stared at him. Lord knows I still had so much feelings for him that I could only dream he'd return.

"No, not a bad day. Just... life." I shrugged helplessly.

"Hey. I haven't seen you like this, what's up?" His look of concern ate away at me.

"Nothing - please, don't look at me like that, Shane. I'm fine, really."

"I'm... sorry? I mean, you've been M.I.A for a couple days. I just wanna know what's going on. Is this about... our break-up?"

I sighed. "No, Shane. Look, nothing is your fault or Jace's fault, so don't think like that. You two belong together. Stop feeling guilty. What goes on with me has nothing to do with you and that's why you shouldn't worry about me."

"How can you tell me not to worry about you? You're my friend who passed out in my arms a few days ago and was rushed to the hospital because you OD'd. Now you want me to pretend I don't care about you?"

I bit my lip, surprised that he raised his voice at me. He never did. It kind of scared me, but I realized that what was really scaring me was the truth in his words.

"Just to let you know, I've been there. I know that was no accident, Nolan. You're abusing your meds and it can kill you."

"I'm not... I'm not suicidal."

"You're not a liar, I know that. But you're honestly telling me," he stepped closer and I sucked in a breath. "You took three sleeping pills along with your Xanax

just because you were frustrated that you couldn't get any sleep... by accident? And if you didn't know it before, Xanax decreases the amount of sleep you get. It's also an effective drug, so you shouldn't be having so many panic attacks, but since you are..." he shrugged, "...you haven't been taking it."

I was silent for a long time, and we just looked at each other. My eyes told him to just leave, while his eyes told me to fess up.

"So you're point is... you think I overdosed because I'm suicidal?" I finally broke the silence.

"That, and you're addicted."

"No, I'm not!" I shot.

"Then why the hell are you irritable? That's a withdrawal symptom, you know. Like I said, I've been there."

"I'm not addicted to drugs or anything for that matter, Shane, I swear!"

"Nolan -"

"Stop it!" I yelled. "I get it, you were broken and alone before, but that does not mean you understand everyone else! The only people you can understand are those who were just as broken and lonely!" I walked away from him.

"Nolan!" he called after me.

I stopped in my tracks, tears instantly filling my eyes.

"I didn't mean to upset you, honestly," he apologized once he caught up to me. "I just got pissed that you can't... confide in me, I guess."

I crossed my arms, hugging myself as I searched for the right way to tell him. I concluded that the only right way was the truth.

"I had every intention of dying that night I overdosed, but it's only because suicidal tendencies is a side effect of my meds. I regretted it afterwards which was why I told you in the morning. I wanted you to take me to the hospital but I

passed out. Yes, I haven't been taking them because of those thoughts. I was afraid that if I kept taking them, I'd really hurt myself. I haven't told my doctor - which I know you're gonna smack me for that, but... I want to talk to Mom and Justin about it first."

Shane let out a sigh and hugged me. "Please just tell me it won't happen again. You won't hurt yourself like that?" he pulled away to stare into my eyes.

"I still have something to live for," was my reply.

He smiled. "And what's that?"

"True love."

***

Tyler was a blessing in disguise for me. I mean, he came out to get Shane back, but I knew that deep down, he did it for himself. When he was still in the closet, he acted very boyish.

Now? I chuckled. Not so much.

He was still boyish, of course, but seemed to think he was a cut above the rest. It wasn't him being stuck up, thank god. It was just the confidence that came with being proud of who he truly was. It was a huge step for him, knowing how long he'd suffered from lack of self-

esteem.

I sat on the bench in the locker room, taking off my shoes after football practice.

Things were very different without Jace, and I missed him as the captain. He used to be such a control freak, and I wondered what secrets he used to hide before coming out as well. Other than his freakishly abusive mom, of course.

Tyler joined me on the bench where I sat. He crossed his legs.

"Well, you look awful," he told me.

"Oh, thanks."

He chuckled. "Here." Using his fingers, he brushed my hair back then let a few of the longer strands rest against my face. "Wow. Turned you into a hottie in less than five seconds. Hm. Shane doesn't see love even if it smacks him in the ass and fucks him in the pussy." He shook his head. "I see the way you look at him. It's the way I used to look at him."

I stared at the helmet in my hands.

"You know, Darren and I called ourselves his trash when we first met. Now, we're each other's treasure." He put his hand over mine. "Tossing you away like

garbage was Shane's loss, and someone else's gain. That's the only way to look at it."

I smiled at him. "I'm glad you're back on the team."

"Well, these loser teammates made me quit, or so I thought. Then I realized... I quit. No one made me do that. Knowing how good you are, I hope you have the same attitude to realize that too. Nobody's making you give up." He nudged me. "Hey. I saw you chatting up that hunk at your welcome back party."

My eyebrows flew up. "Oh, Asher." I laughed. "No, he's just my brother's friend."

"Yeah, whatever. Please, he wouldn't spare anyone a single glance much less talk to them. I think he has eyes for you. Explains why he was eye-raping your

pictures." Ty winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

"Scram, Tyler."

He laughed. "You know Ty doesn't lie," he teased. "Anyway, Darren and I are gonna go do naughty things in the showers and make the other guys uncomfortable. Wanna join?"

"Um, not really," I declined.

Tyler scoffed. "Nolan, one day you will learn to appreciate the bubble butt god gave you and flaunt it."

I stared at him in surprise.

"What? I'm serious - why doesn't anyone take me seriously when it comes to these things? I know what I'm saying. I heard Shane say that you two never fucked. Let me tell you, if he saw your ass, he wouldn't have tossed you away so carelessly, just saying."

He stood up and I shook my head. Oh, Tyler.

"Oh! I want you to have this." He handed me the small slip of paper he had in his hand. I saw it had an address on it. Getting up, he nodded at it. "I think you should know that Asher lives near me. I see him in the morning sometimes." He added a wink and walked away, leaving me stunned.

I glanced down at the house address in my hands, and it was located on the same street as Tyler's.

***

"I'm back, Justin!" I called out when I arrived back home. He hadn't driven me to school this time; I took myself. I just wanted to let him know that I was here and safe.

My message didn't seem to get across as I heard his voice mixed with Kalani's on the other side of the wall, most likely in the kitchen. Plus, the TV was on, which had probably drowned out my own voice.

I walked closer to the kitchen and eavesdropped, making sure to stay hidden behind the wall.

"Justin, I can't... I really love you..." Kalani emphasized, as if she was trying to get a point across.

"I love you, too, Kalani. So much. And we'll move in together soon-"

"When is soon?"

Justin sighed. "Once Asher gets us the right house... I promise we'll move into it."

It was silent for a moment, then Kalani said, "That's what you said last time. And we lost that house."

"Kalani, I mean it this time. I care a lot about your feelings, and... if this is what makes you happy, I'll do it. Plus, we're gonna be having a little us crawling around in several months, so... it's for the best."

I lightly gasped, suddenly overwhelmed with their words. Kalani was pregnant?

She giggled, but stopped abruptly. "Asher has a really good and comfortable place for us to stay. Please, for lack of better words, don't screw this one up."

"I won't."

"I mean it. You have to come with me to see it tomorrow before I can believe you. I don't know, you seem way too attached to Nolan that the thought of moving out scares you. Why is that?"

I crossed my arms.

"No, I'm not... scared of moving out. I just feel the need to protect him."

"Yes, that's why the house is five miles away. You don't have to be under the same roof? Or... is it because of his panic attacks?"

"Kalani."

"No, no. I get it. It's just that, if I don't communicate with you, you won't understand me. That isn't what I want."

"You're right about that. So, go ahead. Tell me everything, I'm listening."

'Alright. I just feel like your brother is a little bit - just a little - in our way. That's all. I don't want you to take offense to it, but I have to be honest with you. I get that he has panic attacks, and you love him to death because he's family... but so am I. And so is this baby."

I pushed off of the wall, having heard enough. I picked up my duffle bag and turned around, heading for the stairs. I gently closed the door to my room, kicked off my shoes, and laid down on my bed, not bothering to take a better shower

than the quick one I had at school.

Kalani basically confirmed all my worries. I really was in the way. I knew it all along.

Countless times I'd told Justin to go ahead and move out. He was 23; there was no reason he should have to stay here with Mom and me. Now, because of me, Kalani was frustrated. She was pregnant; she didn't need all this stress that I

always seemed to bring.

I should've known Asher was getting them a house. He was a real estate agent for goodness' sake! And Justin had his business card. It should've clicked.

My eyes landed on the orange bottle of prescription drugs on my bedside table. I hadn't taken any since I came back from the hospital.

A part of me wanted to repeat that incident.

But the real me - the better me - decided to let the tears fall, search for the sleep I wouldn't get, and forgive myself.

*******

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