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“Do you wanna talk about it?” Josiah asked ten minutes after they got back to his apartment.

Carson shook his head. He was sitting in the center of Josiah’s bed. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and he rested his chin on top of them.

Josiah had to frown just watching the younger boy who was being too silent again. The black-haired guy hated seeing his friend like this. Silence wasn’t something instantly associated with Carson, and it was mildly upsetting to watch it gradually become more common of an occurrence.

As much as he hated to dig or pry at his friend, Josiah had to try one more time that night. “Are you sure?”

And it was safe to say that Josiah hadn’t been prepared in the slightest for Carson’s response. He actually hadn’t been expecting the brunet to respond at all; but he did.

“He’s a fucking asshole,” Carson spit angrily. His indigo eyes were trained harshly onto the bedspread underneath him and his mouth was twisted in a grimace.

Josiah had to blink back the surprise. “Who--”

“Jayden,” Carson quickly supplied, already knowing what his friend’s question was going to be. “I hate him. I hate him so much, Joe.”

Josiah’s face softened into sympathy and he sank down onto the bed next to the brunet. He scooted close, but didn’t try to touch the other boy yet. He could hear the animosity in Carson’s voice and it made him hesitate as to which move to make. He certainly didn’t want to make the wrong one. The alcohol in his system made his stomach churn a little and he was aware that he was still slightly drunk. After all, it had only been an hour and a handful of minutes since they had left the club.

“Like, I get it,” Carson continued, sounding annoyed by something. “I wasted over a year of my time on him. I let myself fall in love and I was blind to everything he was doing behind my back. I get that I was stupid for trusting him, but why is he still an asshole to me?” Without lifting his head off of his knees, Carson turned his eyes onto the curly-haired boy at his side. “Huh, Joe? Why?”

Josiah sighed and shook his head. He really didn’t have a good answer for that. “I don’t know. Because that’s who he is. That’s how he is.”

Carson stared back down at the blanket under his toes. “Well, it’s annoying as shit. I’m so done with people like him. Why is it that I always get involved with douches? Every guy I’ve liked has only ended up hurting me and acting like the biggest dick in the world. I’m so sick of it.”

Josiah bit his lip, and maybe it was the alcohol burning through his veins or the confusing thoughts muddling his brain that did it. But no matter the cause, he still opened his big mouth and said something without thinking that he knew he couldn’t take back.

“Since when am I a dick? You like me, but I don’t treat you like the others have.”

Carson’s hands started to sweat and he felt the nerves begin to eat away at him. He went so still Josiah thought he might have become petrified on the spot. But then those bright blue eyes went wide and they blinked slowly, trying to figure out what had just happened.

Josiah only wanted to drown himself in his kitchen sink. “Uh...” he said unintelligently as he watched Carson in horror. He had shocked himself by how careless he had been with his words.

Having similar thoughts about the alcohol he had consumed, Carson blamed that for how he eventually responded. In a quiet voice and eyes still downcast, he said, “How did you know?”

One of Josiah’s hands sought out those infamous curls and he said, “That one time at my parents’ house. And basically everything you do around me. The looks, the touches, the things you say and how you say them...honestly, I haven’t been able not to notice it all.”

Carson squeezed his eyes shut and tried to curl up even tighter. “I’m sorry.”

Surprising himself yet again, Josiah said, “I’m not.”

“You should be.”

Josiah took a deep breath. He sat there for another moment, allowing himself to think of all the reasons--and there were really only just a few--why Carson’s last statement was true. And then he pushed them aside. He recalled what he had told himself earlier that night. They would deal with things tomorrow, but tonight he just wanted to test the waters. He wanted to see what could happen.

“Yeah, well I’m not, okay?”

Carson bit his lip uncomfortably. The slight irritation in Josiah’s words had him on edge. He didn’t fully understand them but he surely knew what he wished they would mean. He was only hoping that what he sought and what Josiah meant were one in the same.

“I’m not trying to be a dick,” the older boy said gently. He shifted towards Carson and ran his fingers over the back of his friend’s hand. “I wanna be honest with you. You know I’m not comfortable being dishonest with people.”

Carson swallowed the nervous lump in his throat. His eyes were wide and staring unseeingly down at the blanket again. He was strangely still and the feel of Josiah’s fingers on his skin was making his body tingle with the need to shiver. He didn’t even try to speak because he knew nothing would come out of his mouth.

“I really like you, Car,” Josiah whispered.

His sage-green eyes regarded the younger boy curiously and carefully. His heart started beating violently in his chest, he was scared about what he had just done, but he was relieved to finally get the words out. He was glad he had been able to say the truth.

Josiah waited a few seconds but got no response from Carson. He suddenly wanted to scream with how badly he thought he had screwed up. He took his hand away from his friend and watched him with wary eyes.

“Car...” he said anxiously. He licked his lips. “Can you please say--”

“Shut up,” Carson whispered, pressing his lips against his knee.

Taken aback by this Josiah stayed quiet for a few moments. Carson looked a bit annoyed and that only made the other boy feel a hundred times more confused. Not being able to help himself, Josiah started speaking again after only one minute.

"I'm not lying if that's what you think," the sage-eyed boy insisted. "I haven't been able to think much besides how curious and protective you make me. I hate even the thought of putting distance between us."

Carson squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He didn't want to hear any of this. He couldn't believe how incredibly unfair Josiah was being. Carson wondered if his friend even realized what he was doing to him.

"Stop it," the younger boy said. "Please stop."

Josiah's brow furrowed in hurt and his eyes betrayed the emotion. But it didn't seem to matter anyway because Carson still had his eyes closed and his head turned down, burrowing in between his knees. Once again, Josiah was unaccustomed to this kind of thing. Rejection. It didn't come often to him, and right then he figured this was probably the toughest form of it he might ever see.

Hurt twinged in his voice as he said, "Carson, come on..."

"Do you even realize what you're doing?" the brunet mumbled.

"I'm telling you how I feel about you. And, to be honest, I thought you'd react quite differently."

Carson snorted and glanced up to finally look at the handsome face staring back at him from a foot away. "What, did you expect me to just fall at my knees for you and kiss your feet for gracing me with such a confession?"

Josiah's eyes hardened but he tried to remind himself that Carson wouldn't be acting like this if something wasn't bothering him. "Of course not, but I thought you'd be a little more happy. I know you like me. And now I'm telling you that I like you too. I thought you'd at least find it to be good news."

"You're selfish, is what you are."

Josiah blanched in horror at this. "What?"

"You're selfish," Carson snapped. He picked his head up from his knees and glared at his friend. "I've had feelings for you for well over a year, and I had a pathetic crush on you all through high school. And now, that it's just so fucking convenient for you, you suddenly think you even feel a fraction of what I feel for you towards me.”

Offended and also deeply hurt by Carson's words, Josiah said, "That's nowhere even near the truth. I didn't just pull these feelings out of a magician's hat, I've been mulling over it for weeks. I have to look at the facts. I care about you and your well-being more than my own. I've always had a soft spot for you since we became friends. We click so well and have so much in common. And I have never once approved of any boyfriend you had because I didn't think they were good enough for you."

Josiah paused to take a steadying breath. Carson opened his mouth as if to interject, but the older boy held up a hand. "I'm not done yet. Like I said, I've never liked your boyfriends but I never fully understood my distaste. I only just realized it was because I was jealous. The thought of you being with some guy that isn't me pisses me off and makes my chest hurt at the same time.

"And there is no way I can deny that I'm attracted to you, Carson. I have to admit that I've always found something appealing and enticing about you. Whether it's those bright blue eyes or your perfect nose, I have no clue. But I'm not so insecure about my sexuality that I can't admit I think you're hot or beautiful or whatever."

A stunned silence ensued and all Carson could do was stare. He hadn't been expecting to hear a single one of the words that had fallen past Josiah's lips. He could see the raw emotion and uncertainty on Josiah's flawless, light-brown face.

Josiah took a deep breath and shyly looked into Carson's eyes. Then he said slowly, "So no, I'm not just making this up. I'm serious and I meant everything I just said. And no, I'm not gay but I'm probably bisexual. And yes, I am sorry that this is apparently not what you wanted to hear tonight. But I couldn't hide it anymore, Carson. I just want you to know the truth."

One moment Josiah was speaking softly while Carson watched on, completely engrossed in the words. Then, in the next instant, the brunet had his arm flung over Josiah's shoulder and his hand gripping at the back of the older boy's neck. Things happened so fast that neither of them caught a glance on the other's face before their lips were pressed tight against each other.

Josiah let out a startled gasp but kissed his best friend back almost instantly. Their lips meshed and melded and moved perfectly in sync. It was rushed and there was a crushing amount of force behind it from both sides.

Carson was aware of the fullness of Josiah's lips, and Josiah was just as aware of how dry and chapped Carson's were. And these observations only seemed to make the kiss that much more enjoyable for them both despite how odd that seemed.

The black-haired boy registered something in the few short minutes that they forcefully pressed and pulled and sucked on each other's lips. That was that he never wanted it to end. And Josiah was momentarily shocked because the feelings and thoughts that the kiss invoked were nothing like what kissing Ayden brought about.

No, Josiah thought as he sucked Carson's bottom lip into his mouth, this is so much better.

Carson pushed his fingers into the tufts of curls hanging over the nape of Josiah’s neck. The older boy responded by licking his tongue over his friend’s bottom lip until it moved to allow him entrance. Their tongues met and Carson almost hissed into the kiss as a result.

Up until then Josiah’s hands hadn’t been doing much of anything useful. Now he brought them up to rest on top of the younger boy’s knees that were still halfway pulled up. Carson’s knees dropped almost instantly and Josiah lost his balance, falling into the brunet and making them both topple down onto the bed.

This sparked something in both of them. Josiah froze first, tongue on Carson’s bottom teeth and his hands pressing into the younger boy’s stomach so he didn’t crush him with the fall. The brunet went completely still the second he registered that Josiah wasn’t moving any longer.

Josiah felt incredibly awkward as he took his tongue from his best friend’s mouth and pulled away. He popped his eyes open to see the other boy’s bright blue irises already wide and guarded as they roamed over his face. Josiah shifted his weight and removed his hands from Carson so that he wasn’t putting too much pressure on him.

The air was thick with some mangled form of tension that didn’t seem to even match the situation. Josiah’s ears were filled with sounds of ragged breathing and his own blood rushing through his veins. He had only pulled his face away by a few inches so he could study his best friend.

There was no denying that Josiah wanted to regret what just happened, but he just didn’t. It had been everything to him. If he ever did, for some forsaken reason, say that he regretted it, he knew for a fact he would be lying right through his teeth.

Not having seen anything off-putting on the other guy’s face, Carson decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try to kiss Josiah again. He leaned up and only just had his lips on those perfectly full ones for a few seconds before Josiah pulled back a second time in the last minute.

As much as it nearly physically pained him to say it, Josiah had to whisper in a cracked voice, “W-we should stop.”

Carson hated the tortured look he saw in his friend’s sage eyes. The older boy seemed to almost flinch as his own words fell through the air between them. The brunet instantly carded his hands through the nappy little black curls on Josiah’s head. He desperately wanted to do something to comfort him, and he thought the gesture was at least worth a try.

“What are you thinking?” Carson asked. His eyes were narrowed in concern as he carefully watched the older boy.

Josiah’s eyes filled with a strange solemnity as he gazed down into a sea of blue. “I know that we just sort of fell and it couldn’t really be helped, but I felt like it was too much. I don’t wanna push myself on you. Not after...I can’t do that to you. I wanna be careful.”

Carson laughed. He couldn’t hold it back--the relief of what Josiah had just said hit him so hard it seemed like laughter was the only outlet for his emotions.

Feeling rather self-conscious because of Carson’s behaviour Josiah moodily asked, “What?”

Carson shook his head back and forth as he tried to stop laughing. “Nothing, nothing.” He wiped at a tear caused from his laughing. “Shit, I was just convinced you were going to say something completely different.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know...like that you were going to take it all back or something,” Carson said carefully. “That you were disgusted by kissing me...”

Josiah quickly shook his head in disagreement. He brought a hand up to touch the outer edge of Carson’s cheek just in front of his ear. “No, I definitely wasn’t. Why would you think that?”

“Because. You stopped kissing me. And you pulled away first both times.”

The darker boy slumped down fully onto the bed, giving up on trying to support his weight so he could look down at Carson. He sighed and let his eyes rake over the side of his best friend’s face. As if on cue, Carson turned his head and their eyes met. Josiah felt a warmth pooling in his stomach and he suddenly wanted to smile stupidly for days. But he didn’t smile because he had answers to give.

“I’m sorry. I only stopped because it felt like it was moving too fast. I don’t want to coddle you over it because I know you hate playing the victim, but it really hasn’t been that long...”

Carson felt sick as he let the words enter his ears. Josiah missed the nauseated look on the brunet’s face and went back to talking.

“I get that it’s ultimately up to you and it’s your call whether or not you’re ready to move on with this kind of thing...but I feel uncomfortable at the thought of pressuring you. Especially when this is already something we shouldn’t be doing. I just really don’t want to mess things up between us.”

The only thing Carson could think to say was a lame, “Oh.”

Josiah frowned and he wasn’t sure he approved of how their conversation had progressed. He found himself wishing that he had never said a thing. All he wanted to do was go back in time and when he was at the point where the fell flat against the bed, he kept going instead of pulling away. He wanted to kiss Carson again, and as his gaze burned imaginary holes into the younger boy’s skin from the amount of lust he was feeling, he realized just how bad he had it.

“I’m sorry,” Josiah found himself whispering. Carson remained stoic, not really sure how to respond. After a couple minutes of the painful silence Josiah took his hand away from his best friend’s face. He had never felt so defeated in his life. And after the past month and odd days they had, he knew that was saying a lot. Feeling completely down, he whispered even quieter, “I guess we can just go to sleep, then.”

The sage-eyed boy pulled his body that was pressed against Carson’s side away and rolled over to turn off the lamp that had been illuminating the entire room.

It was when the darkness hit him that Carson finally snapped out of it. A pain hit him in his chest and his stomach at the same time as he recalled the hurt expression written onto Josiah’s face only seconds before. He felt cold being left in the dark with at least a foot of distance between them. And when Josiah wriggled awkwardly underneath his covers, Carson frowned deeply.

He hastily repositioned himself under the blankets as well and after a minute of debate inside his head, he moved as close to Josiah as he could get. Carson was quickly thankful that one of the first things they had done when they had gotten home was to change their clothes. Because if they hadn’t been in their pajamas it would have felt extremely uncomfortable to lay there with each other.

After a minute of Josiah laying next to Carson as stiff as a board, the younger boy was beginning to get discouraged. And just as he was doubting himself and considering scooting away from his friend again, Josiah finally moved. It wasn’t much, but it felt like a lot more to both of them.

The darker boy rolled onto his stomach and pressed close to his light-skinned best friend. He draped an arm over Carson’s body, his shoulder resting atop of the other boy’s. He pressed his leg, and consequently his hip, tight against Carson’s.

Carson melted into the embrace and tried to snuggle even closer but it was nearly impossible. Josiah turned his head to face Carson and the side of it was pressed into the pillow. Because of their position, the movement had Josiah’s lips at even height with his friend’s ear. He didn’t hesitate to lean in and press a gentle kiss to Carson’s ear before he pressed another kiss onto the brunet’s cheek.

And after he was done, Josiah sighed in content to himself and closed his eyes. He was happy. And Carson could feel it, so he smiled up at the dark ceiling. It was less than two minutes later that they both fell asleep with Josiah’s full lips still brushing the skin of Carson’s cheek as he breathed deeply. And Carson would be damned if he said this wasn’t the best way he had ever fallen asleep in his life.

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