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Days passed and suddenly Josiah felt like he was reading into everything way too much. He noted a considerable change in Carson’s behaviour since he admitted to liking Josiah all those years ago.

Josiah felt like every time Carson put more space between them or stepped away from a hug or a touch, it meant something more. The black-haired boy couldn’t help but think that this was Carson’s way of saying ‘back the hell off’. And Josiah didn’t like that at all. He realized that the more distance Carson put between them, the more it hurt.

The longer Josiah sat and thought about it, which was a hell of a lot, he only became more and more confused. It was driving him nuts with how badly he seemed to crave Carson’s typical closeness. He hadn’t even noticed how used to the other boy he had grown in the last year, but clearly he had otherwise he wouldn’t be so aware of the loss of contact.

What made it even worse for the twenty-one year old was that he wasn’t sure what it all was supposed to mean. He kept asking himself why it hurt when Carson didn’t want to hold his hand. Or he would think about why he wanted Carson to sit closer to him on the couch. And even sometimes he would wonder why it frustrated him that Carson was suddenly ‘falling asleep’ on the couch every night instead of sleeping in Josiah’s bed.

What was more worrisome for the black-haired boy was that he still had Ayden on his mind. The boys still went to see her every other day for the two weeks following the celebratory dinner. She still wasn’t improving. And both Carson’s and Josiah’s hope that she would snap back to normal soon was waning. Josiah’s feelings for everything were going haywire.

Josiah knew that if he was thinking all of the things he was this consistently then there had to be a deeper meaning for it. He couldn’t overlook the fact that having whatever kind of feelings these were was usually reserved for people you were dating. But he wasn’t dating Carson. He was dating Ayden--even if she was in the hospital.

Josiah abruptly groaned. He was so tired of sitting and thinking about all of this stuff. It had been the only thing on his mind for precisely the last two weeks. He blinked frustratedly at his laptop screen he was balancing on his knees. He was supposed to be working on another English paper. It was due on Tuesday, which meant he had three more days to work on it. He had barely even started it.

Ignoring the fact that he was only a handful of paragraphs into the seven-page requirement, he saved the file and closed his laptop. He put the computer on the coffee table and sunk back into the couch. Josiah turned his head and saw Carson laying sprawled out on his bed. The black-haired guy bit at his lip trying to decide whether or not he wanted to voice the idea he had been running through his head for the last two days.

Finally after another minute of conflicted inner monologue and shameless staring at Carson as the younger boy just laid there looking up at the ceiling, Josiah made up his mind. He took a deep breath and called out, “Hey, Carson?”

The older boy watched as Carson jumped in surprise and propped himself up to look out of the bedroom and down the hall at Josiah. “What’s up?”

Josiah started tapping his fingers on his knees anxiously. He had noted that he had a lot of nervous energy lately, but he didn’t know where it had come from or what he should do with it. The two boys were a good distance away from each other, but Josiah thought they were making eye contact. And they were holding it pretty steadily, which unnerved him a little and made his stomach feel strange.

“Do you wanna go out tonight?” Josiah finally asked.

That piqued Carson’s attention immediately. His eyes brightened and he sat up completely on Josiah’s bad as he stared out into the living room. “Really?”

Josiah had to smile at that. He nodded. “Yeah. I wouldn’t just bring it up to take it back.”

“Where are we going? When?”

Josiah shrugged. “The when...not really sure. Maybe we’ll leave around nine. The where, I was thinking Tantric. In Providence.”

Carson’s eyes widened to their maximum. “Holy shit,” he whispered to himself. He slid off of the bed, his mind whirring, and he slowly started to walk out to Josiah. “You wanna go to a club?”

The black-haired boy almost laughed at his friend’s reaction. He could tell Carson was pleased about this. Josiah nodded again as Carson approached the sofa where he was sitting.

“Yeah, I know you’ve been dying to go out somewhere...and we haven’t been there in months,” Josiah said. “I figured we’d test it out.”

Carson instantly frowned. “But we’ve only been there with Ayden.”

Josiah nodded carefully. It was true, the three of them used to frequent the place a lot since the start of the last summer. It had always been fun for them to go there, even though they weren’t old enough, the place didn’t keep up on carding everyone at the bar so they could drink as well as dance. Carson had met a few of his nicer boyfriends there in the past.

“I know,” Josiah said lightly. “But I think it’ll be nice. I mean, unless you just wanna stay home again...”

“No,” Carson said quickly. He waved his hands around in dismissal of the older boy’s last suggestion. “We haven’t done anything for two weeks. I can’t take another boring night cooped up in here doing homework. I will lose my mind.”

Josiah smirked. “Thought so. So is it a plan?”

Carson nibbled on his lip and nodded. He tried to push away the thought that going to a club with a guy was usually considered a date. He did this for two reasons. Firstly, he didn’t like getting his hopes up--especially given the kind of situation their lives were in. And secondly, he knew that even if it was supposed to resemble a date, it would be wrong on all of the levels possible. Carson had to think of his best friend--he had to always, because he couldn’t handle being the kind of person who didn’t.

“Yeah, it’s a plan,” Carson confirmed after a moment with a nod.

*

Four hours later, Carson and Josiah were showered, shaved, and stepping out of a taxi that was stopped right in front of the club’s entrance. They were both dressed in fitted, dark jeans and nice matching tops. Josiah had a hoodie zipped up over his shirt while Carson wore a lightweight jacket.

Carson glanced up and down the busy street somewhat hesitantly. There were so many people and there wasn’t a single familiar face besides Josiah’s. He rubbed and pulled on his neck a little as he watched a few large, beefy men walk down the street towards them. Carson shrank back and bumped into Josiah right as the men passed without sending the slightest glance in the twenty year old’s direction.

Easily concerned by this, Josiah quickly put an arm around Carson’s waist. He put his lips to the boy’s ear and said, “Are you okay?”

Embarrassed and feeling dumb by his own behaviour, Carson nodded. He didn’t, however, step away from his friend’s arm. This was something Josiah picked up on and couldn’t help but feel a little pleased about it.

“Do you still wanna do this?” Josiah asked.

The entire time the two of them had been getting ready and even in the cab on their way up, they had been nearly buzzing with anticipation. Now that they were there and Josiah saw how skittish Carson had abruptly become, he wasn’t so sure of himself anymore. He had Carson’s best interests in mind and he wasn’t entirely convinced that walking into that club would be a good idea. He only wanted to look out for his friend, but he was fast regretting having made this suggestion.

Carson nodded again, glancing around at all the people who weren’t paying the two of them any attention. He licked his lips and, without looking at Josiah, he said, “Yeah, let’s go.”

Without giving himself the opportunity to turn around and find a new taxi, Carson took a slow, tentative step through the pedestrian traffic towards the door. Josiah’s eyes widened slightly as he hadn’t been expecting Carson to just walk away. But it didn’t take him more than a half a second to be right back at his best friend’s side.

They approached the door and had to stand in line to get in for a couple of minutes. All the while Josiah kept close to the younger boy, a hand hovering over the small of his back every time they had to make a move. When they reached the security, they showed their identification cards to prove that they were over eighteen, paid the entrance fees, and then they were ushered into the building.

The lighting was dim and the music was so loud it was almost deafening. It was a drastic change of atmosphere for having travelled only twenty feet from outside. Carson was standing so close to Josiah that their sides were almost plastered together. The younger boy wanted to be there so badly—he wanted to be normal and act normal and do normal things—but now that he was here, he only felt unsettled by everything.

Despite Josiah consistently checking with him to see if he wanted to leave, and Carson wishing he could let himself say yes, they ended up at the bar a couple minutes later. There were so many people there that Josiah literally had to squeeze through the crowd to get to the counter.

Josiah had to wait a few minutes before he could flag down a bartender, and just as he was ordering their drinks, Carson took the opportunity to slip his hand in the older boy’s. Josiah froze and stumbled over his words for a second having been caught off-guard, but he quickly recovered and got the correct order out. A real smile crept onto his lips as he turned to look back at Carson.

The younger boy was too busy darting his eyes around the very large room to see the pleased expression on his friend’s face, but that didn’t deter Josiah. The way the darker boy looked at it, he was just going to let tonight fall where it may. He was going to be there for Carson and do everything he needed in order to keep him happy and safe. Tomorrow would be the day that they fixed anything that needed repair—if anything even did.

Right after they got their glasses from the bartender, Josiah led the way back out of the dense crowd of people trying to get new drinks. They walked away towards an area that was less populated and just stood there; swaying to the heavy pop music the D.J. was spinning, and sipping at their beverages.

Carson had his eyes open wide as he scanned over every person he could on the dance floor. People were jumping around in rhythm with the current beat. All kinds of combinations of couples from straight to gay, short to tall, and light to heavy, were dancing together. Carson didn’t have any trouble remembering all the times he had participated so easily in that kind of fun.

Carson was too busy comparing now to back then to even realize when Josiah maneuvered their fingers so that they were intertwined. Mistaking Carson’s lack of attention for compliance, Josiah smiled to himself. Something was nagging at him, telling him that having their hands like that was much better than how they had them before. He forced the feeling down and moved his lips close to Carson’s ear once again so he wouldn’t have to try and yell really loudly over the music.

“Do you wanna go dance or something?”

Carson jumped slightly as Josiah’s breath hit his ear. He stomach flopped over nervously. He had been so zoned out that he didn’t even notice Josiah had shifted a lot closer to him. Not having heard what he was asked the first time, Carson had to have Josiah repeat his question.

Josiah saw the uncertainty on the younger boy’s face, and for a second it stung. That resurfaced all of his rejection insecurities that he had been feeling over the last couple of weeks. When he spoke the next words they came out a little more harshly than he had intended.

“If you don’t want to dance with me then just say so,” he quipped.

And when Josiah saw the wince pass over Carson’s features, he felt his chest ache regretfully. He cursed at himself for having been such a dick a moment ago.

Carson’s face flushed when he heard Josiah’s request to go and dance with him. He hesitated, but the only reason for that was because he didn’t know if he would be able to control himself. He really liked Josiah, way more than he had ever liked anybody else, and he didn’t want to mess up by somehow projecting those feelings onto his friend. Carson had put so much time and effort into making sure he didn’t weird of Josiah by blatantly making his feelings known. That was why he had been trying to keep a little bit of distance between the two of them since he had admitted who his high school crush was.

Carson was a hair’s length away from responding to Josiah by agreeing to go dance, when the older boy angrily told him off. Carson had to flinch because, for one, he hadn’t been expecting it, and two, he felt instantly bad for somehow hurting the other boy’s feelings. He didn’t know what the reasoning behind it was, but Carson knew for a fact that he had upset Josiah.

“I’m sorry,” Carson said hastily, having to yell over the newest song. He looked right into guarded sage eyes and said. “I do wanna dance with you. Let’s go.”

Carson tugged at their hands. This made him finally realize that their fingers were laced. He blushed yet again. He couldn’t remember when their hands had gotten like that, and it made him feel stupid for not having known when.

Josiah sighed in relief to himself while they walked closer to the mass of dancing bodies that Carson wasn’t angry with him for having snapped. He really did feel bad and he couldn’t even justify it properly because he didn’t know what had come over him at the time. He didn’t even know himself why he had been so rude, so he was thankful that Carson wasn’t demanding that he explain himself.

The last minute was easily wiped from his mind as the two of them molded into the crowd a few moments later. Carson was a little reluctant to get so close to strangers that he found intimidating, so they settled into an area where they were surrounding by groups of girlfriends dancing together. As much as he hated to admit it, Carson felt much safer there than he did being pinned in between other men—even if they were potentially harmless and likely straight.

It didn’t take long for Josiah to catch on to what Carson was doing, but he never called the other boy out on it. In fact, he was actually kind of proud of his best friend. Carson understood what he needed in order to feel comfortable and he was acting on it. Josiah was happy about this because not only did it mean Carson was headed in the right direction, but Josiah was secretly pleased that he didn’t have to share the younger boy with other guys.

Josiah knew it was selfish, but he took that greed one step further and decided that he just didn’t care. He didn’t feel threatened that some of the girls around them were purposely getting close to Carson while they danced for the next handful of songs. Josiah knew the brunet was gay, so the actions of the girls didn’t even faze him.

Carson on the other hand was growing pissed off every time a girl would push herself up against Josiah. Carson wasn’t naturally a jealous person, nor would he say that he became jealous that easily, but over the last year of having to watch the guy he was massively crushing on get serious with his best friend, the brunet had kind of developed a complex when it came to Josiah.

Carson was used to Josiah being with Ayden and not him, but he was not okay with random girls being all up on the black-haired boy. As far as Carson was concerned, the order of succession as Josiah’s significant other went Ayden first and Carson second. There weren’t any spots available beyond that.

Josiah was mostly blissfully unaware of his best friends increasing frustrations. That was largely due to how focused he was on Carson. The still had one of each of their hands locked together and they were dancing comfortably and in time to each song that played. There was roughly half a foot between them—a safe enough distance, they both thought—and Josiah couldn’t keep his eyes off of the younger boy.

The longer they danced and the more drinks they went through, Josiah found it easier and easier to just not care for one night. So much crap had gone on in the last month that he felt like he was finally getting to relax and have real fun. And with his third drink down, any and all thoughts that were usually in the back of his head—about how he was somehow doing Ayden an injustice by being there with Carson and having those confusing thoughts about the boy—had faded completely.

An hour and a half after arriving at Tantric, Carson declared that he had to use the restroom. Josiah weaseled his way out of the crowd of dancing people, pulling Carson along after him by the hand. It didn’t take long to get to the back of the building where the men’s bathroom was located. There weren’t many people there, and after a quick and firm reassurance that he would be okay, Carson snuck into the room without Josiah. But that wasn’t before the brunet leaned in and pressed a sweet kiss to the darker boy’s cheek.

Josiah froze and his heart rate sped up a little. He dug a hand into his partially sweaty curls and leaned his back heavily on the wall outside of the bathroom. Josiah wouldn’t have said he was drunk by then, but he definitely had a strong buzz going on inside his head. He sighed to himself and almost jumped a foot in the air when a guy planted himself right next to Josiah.

“Fuck,” Josiah exclaimed. He had a hand over his chest and he glanced over at the blonde male only a foot away. “You fricken scared me, man.”

The blonde guy laughed a little and then said, “Sorry, dude. Just wanted to say hey.”

Josiah frowned at the stranger. “Uhm, okay?”

With a glint of amusement in his eyes, the blonde man said, “Don’t worry; I’m not hitting on you.” Josiah blushed crimson and the guy smirked. He hooked his thumb back to point at the same bathroom door Carson was behind. “I just dropped my own boyfriend off to pee. He sometimes gets uncomfortable with large crowds and small spaces.”

Not sure what to supply to this conversation, Josiah just nodded. He felt kind of dumb; like he didn’t feel comfortable in his own skin talking about this to a stranger.

“What about you and your boyfriend?” the guy asked, smiling at Josiah. “You guys seem really close. Have you been together for a long time?”

Josiah’s jaw dropped and he had to tug sharply on his curls to keep from dying of embarrassment. He stumbled over his words for the second time that night when he said, “Oh he’s not—we’re not—I’m not dating him. We aren’t boyfriends.”

The blonde guy laughed and Josiah figured this stranger was probably a couple years older than him. Josiah also noted that this guy had a good few inches on him in the height department. That observation made Josiah cringe just a little. It wasn’t often that he encountered people who were taller than him unless they were basketball players or something.

“Yeah, but you wanna be with him, right?” the guy asked. Josiah couldn’t let himself answer that for fear about how his intoxicated brain would make him reply. “I’ve seen you guys dancing tonight. You looked like you were playing it safe. First date or something?”

Josiah bit at his lip uncomfortably and looked away. He stared at the restroom door and wished Carson would walk out at any second. “Something like that.”

“He seems really into you, man. Like really into you. You should make a move.”

“I…” Josiah croaked. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “It’s complicated.”

The guy barked out a hearty laugh. “It usually is. My advice is just to tell him how you feel.”

Josiah frowned deeply at that and looked away. He didn’t know how he felt. He only knew that he shouldn’t be feeling anything at all. No matter what way you spun it, he wasn’t allowed to feel something for Carson—it didn’t matter what it was. He scratched at his scalp. He felt like he needed another drink. Thinking about all of this when he shouldn’t be was making his brain hurt.

“Look, dude, I hate to pry. But I’ve been there with plenty of guys before and I’ve messed things up almost every time. Just push the crap and all of the drama away. Don’t beat around the bush, and just admit how you feel.” The door to the bathroom creaked from down the hall and both Josiah and the blonde looked up. It wasn’t Carson, so the guy said, “That’s my cue to go. Take it or leave it, man, but I’d hate to see you lose him.”

The guy offered a grin and then he was walking away to meet back up with his boyfriend. Josiah felt successfully stunned by the entire conversation that just happened. The most shocking part about it to him was that throughout the whole thing, he hadn’t once said that he wasn’t gay. The thought had actually never even occurred to him. Even more than that, he hadn’t bothered to deny that there was some kind of feelings for Carson.

Josiah sighed nervously. If he thought he needed a drink before, now he was desperate for one. The door creaked again and this time Carson came walking out. Josiah pushed off of the wall and immediately moved quickly towards the brunet. He needed to hold his hand again; he wanted to.

Josiah smiled when their hands made contact again and their fingers twined instantly once again. When Carson started to walk them away rather quickly, Josiah’s smile fell and his brow furrowed. He pulled Carson to a stop and turned him so he could look right in his face. The younger boy’s blue eyes looked sad and that upset Josiah.

“Hey, hey,” the older boy said. Carson wouldn’t look him in the eye. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Carson mumbled.

“Car, come on. You’re freaking me out. Did something happen? Did somebody do something to you?”

Carson quickly shook his head. Yes, something had happened in the bathroom, but it wasn’t like what Josiah was thinking. It wasn’t like he was being harassed in there. Well…at least not physically or sexually.

“It’s alright,” Carson tried to insist. He tugged on Josiah’s hand and tried to pull them out of the hall again and back out to the main area. Josiah held strong, though. “Please, let’s just go dance some more.”

Josiah was quickly starting to panic on the inside. The way Carson was acting was scaring him. He was so terrified that somebody else had tried to do something to him. He was mentally berating himself for actually letting the brunet go in there alone, when the bathroom door creaked yet again.

Carson froze and a look of horror passed over his face. His eyes kept darting from Josiah and passed him, to whoever had left the restroom. Sensing that something was up, Josiah quickly turned to look over his shoulder. When he did, he almost had a heart attack. The initial shock of seeing Carson’s ex, Jayden, rapidly subsided and a stronger, angrier feeling seeped into his bones.

As Jayden lazily walked closer to the pair, Josiah said, “What the fuck?” He looked back at Carson who was staring at the ground now. “Did he do something to you?”

Carson shook his head. It wasn’t a complete lie. Jayden hadn’t done much besides try to talk to him for a minute or so when they first ran into each other at the sink. Despite that, it had been more than enough to rattle Carson. No matter what he tried to say, the brunet was still a little cut up about what Jayden had done to him a couple years ago. Carson really had loved him, and Jayden had gone and cheated on him with some girl. It had left him crushed for ages.

“Relax, man,” Jayden said, trying to be friendly as he stopped a few feet from Josiah. “I was just asking him how he’s been.”

“Well, you don’t deserve to know,” Josiah snapped angrily. Carson couldn’t take his eyes off of the ground, but he was huddled so close to his best friend that he was almost touching the older boy’s side. The brunet was clenching Josiah’s hand so tightly it was beginning to ache. “Just mind your own business and get lost.”

Jayden almost laughed at that. He had never really found Josiah threatening; he considered him about as scary as a mosquito. Jayden flicked his eyes over to Carson’s meek stance. He was a little put off by the boy’s behaviour. He couldn’t ever remember seeing the brunet act so passive when they had been dating.

“I heard about what happened to you,” Jayden said ignorantly. “That’s pretty sick what they did. At least they’re in prison, huh?”

Carson flinched violently and the movements made pain shoot through Josiah’s hand. The older boy was floored. He couldn’t believe Jayden was seriously that dense as to bring that up. Carson didn’t even want people to know. The fact that Jayden somehow knew was frightening.

“Dude!” Josiah yelled. “You’re so insensitive. You can’t just say shit like that.”

Jayden was quickly offended. Defensively, he said. “My bad, didn’t realize we were a bunch of girls.”

Josiah grumbled but said, “How the hell did you find out?”

Jayden shrugged. “My mom’s a Providence County police officer, remember?”

Carson’s shoulders slumped and Josiah’s face dawned with recognition. They had actually forgotten about that little fact. They guessed it never occurred to them that people might actually spread the word even if Carson’s face or name hadn’t been in the public eye. Either way Carson was upset that people knew—especially Jayden. It only added an extra layer of humiliation to the mix whenever he saw him from now on.

“Don’t tell anybody about it,” Josiah demanded.

Once again, Jayden didn’t appreciate the other boy’s tone of voice. “Well, what are you gonna do about it? Threaten me? As if, loser.”

Carson began shifting nervously, but he felt like he couldn’t speak. He didn’t want to. He was afraid of getting in the middle of this. All he wanted to do was go home, now.

“Watch your mouth,” Josiah snapped.

Jayden snorted. He locked his eyes on the pair of guys in front of him. Carson was almost hanging off of Josiah and their hands were tightly intertwined. He shook his head. “What, are you guys fucking now? Is this a thing?”

Deep anger flared in Josiah and he found himself yelling again. “Shut the hell up!”

“Oh, pushed a button, huh? Then you must be.” Jayden made tutting noises with his tongue and shook his head again as he stared at Carson. “Have you really moved on so quickly? You were, like, just raped.”

A sob wracked Carson’s body and that was enough for Josiah. He tore his right hand out of the brunet’s grasp and balled it into a fist. He punched Jayden in the face so quickly the boy was bleeding and crying out as he fell to the floor before he even realized he had been hit.

Blood rushed down Jayden’s face and Josiah stepped closer to him, towering over his sprawled out body. “Don’t you ever speak to him like that again or I’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll forget what century you’re in,” Josiah spat out.

Jayden was so stunned by everything that all he could think was that he had seriously misjudged the dark-skinned boy. He may seem like a mosquito at first glance, but he stung worse than a bee.

Josiah spun away from the bleeding boy on the ground and threw a comforting arm around Carson. The older boy began leading them all the way back out through the building. A few tears were falling silently, and when they were standing outside of the sidewalk, Josiah helped brush them away. The sage-eyed boy pulled his best friend into a tight hug and murmured what he hoped were soothing words in his ear to get him to calm down.

Josiah was pissed beyond belief about what had just happened. He was just glad that he had gotten to punch that asshole in the face. Admittedly, Josiah had been dying to do that since the day he found out Jayden had cheated on Carson. And Josiah had only been friends with the brunet for a few months back then.

When Carson was all calmed down, Josiah took out his phone and called the number of a local taxi service so they could get a ride home. It was safe to say that after that incident they were both done for the night.

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