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Things had changed between them. It was subtle and sad and somehow nice, but yet at the same time it was so far from what either of them really wanted. They hugged and they held hands. Josiah still cooked for Carson and walked him to all of his classes. They got coffee on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and they took turns paying. At night they lay together, mostly shirtless, sometimes only in their boxers, and Josiah always had a strong, protective arm around the younger boy.

But what they didn’t do was what they both wanted more than anything. And that was kissing. There hadn’t been a simple peck or a brush of lips on a cheek or a shoulder or anything shared between the two of them. In fact, they had kept their lips completely to themselves since the morning they spoke about Josiah’s cheating and had that whole fiasco.

Two weeks of ignoring the elephant in the room, they were laying together in Josiah’s bed. It was the middle of a Friday afternoon just before the beginning of finals week. Carson was seconds away from drifting off into a nice little nap when Josiah rolled over to stare at him.

Josiah watched his best friend with his closed eyes, slightly parted lips, and his chest rising and falling as he breathed steadily. The black-haired boy had been more thinking in the last few weeks than he thought he ever had. He had also never been more conflicted in his life.

There were two people he loved. Which meant there were two people he was hurting. But all the same, he was hurting himself just by having the thoughts he was. And Josiah had no idea how to properly fix it. He knew that no matter what he did, said, or chose, someone would be getting hurt.

He took a few moments to admire the perfect slope of Carson’s nose and the subtle amount of muscle that made up his chest. Josiah licked his lips and took in a ragged breath. He knew what he was about to do. And he knew just how badly it was going to screw everything up. But the last four days had spurred thoughts inside of him that he couldn’t escape.

Josiah carefully reached a hand out to hover over his best friend’s chest. Now that he had moved his hand, he was hesitant. But after a few seconds, Josiah gently brought his hand down to rest lightly on top of Carson’s pecs.

The younger boy jumped at the sudden interruption from his nearly-sleeping state. He was just about to open his eyes when he heard a whisper from the lips of a god saying words he thought he would never hear.

“I think I love you,” Josiah said quietly.

The words tore out of his throat as if they were made of razor blades. He hated himself just for saying them and tears stung at his eyes. He remembered all those days ago when Carson had screamed at him about how selfish he was. And as he continued to say more words, he knew it was true. Only a selfish person would do this to someone.

Josiah tripped over his tongue as he said, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Carson’s blue eyes finished opening all the way and all he could do was stare up at the ceiling. His eyes were so wide they actually hurt, which he hadn’t ever thought was possible before. He suddenly took in a strangled breath and choked on it because he had apparently been holding it for a lot longer than he thought.

Josiah narrowed his eyes in concern. Carson’s silence was killing him slowly. He regretted ever having opened his mouth. He had thought for sure that the pain of saying the words would have been more bearable than the pain of keeping them to himself. Now, he had never felt so wrong about anything.

Just the horrified look on Carson’s fair-skinned face, made the older boy want to both cry and throw up. He was in too deep, Josiah realized. Sure, Carson liked him a lot. But that did not mean the brunet was in love with him. Josiah suddenly felt like the biggest idiot in the world. He hadn’t lied, he really was starting to fall in love with Carson. It was scary and new and not what he should be doing, but it was reality.

Only now, Josiah realized how stupid he was to say it. Because clearly Carson didn’t feel the same. And Josiah squeezed his eyes shut tightly to try and prepare for the blow when Carson would surely turn on him and hit him right in the face.

Except that never happened. Instead, Carson turned his head to look at Josiah and he was in complete shock. The older boy’s face was all screwed up in pain or something and that made Carson’s chest ache. The previously uttered words were flying through his head and making it hurt. He was having trouble processing them.

It was safe to say that Carson never thought Josiah could love him beyond a friendship. Heck, Carson wasn’t even sure if he loved the older boy like that. He had always had feelings for him, and they had been getting stronger over the last five or six months, but he wasn’t ready to just say he was in love with Josiah. Because he was seriously doubting if it were true.

Somehow Carson managed to gently whisper, “Josiah.”

And it felt like a million knives were stabbing into the older boy’s body as his name left the other boy’s lips. His eyes slid open and a couple of salty tears escaped. His sage eyes were starting to get red from the need to cry. He had literally never felt more vulnerable in his life than he did right then, waiting for Carson to rip his heart in a thousand pieces.

Carson swallowed the guilt in his throat. “Josiah I...I don’t know what to say.”

That was when Josiah got his answer. He knew he was getting ahead of himself. Of course Carson wasn’t in love with him. How could I have been so stupid, he thought. He tore his hand away from the younger boy’s chest, finally, and used it to forcefully wipe away the last few tears at his eyes.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Josiah grumbled, rolling away from the other boy. “It’s whatever.”

“Do--” Carson cut himself off to clear his throat. He stared worriedly at his friend. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Josiah felt like he had been slapped. He whipped his head back to stare at Carson, a glare in his sage eyes and hurt written all over his face.

Carson flinched at the expression, hating that it was only there because of him. The brunet found himself wondering how on earth the tables had turned so quickly. He had spent years pining for this guy’s attention, and now he couldn’t return the love Josiah said he was feeling.

“God, Carson,” Josiah muttered irritably. “I just told you I’m in love with you and you’re acting like I’m saying my goldfish died. I never thought you of all people would be so inconsiderate.”

“Josiah, that’s not what I meant.”

The older boy shook his head, the curls moving about. “No, but you want me to talk about how I feel, only you clearly don’t feel the same. I don’t want to sit here and listen to that.”

Carson sighed when Josiah sat up, looking away from him. The younger boy did feel awful about this. He didn’t understand how this was happening. “Joe, come on. What does it matter, though? I do love you--”

“As a friend, maybe,” Josiah grumbled.

“--and I want you so bad,” Carson continued, ignoring the other boy. “But I’m just not sure I can honestly say I’m in love. One day, though, I could be.”

“Whatever.”

“Don’t act like a brat,” the brunet snapped. “You like honesty so let me tell you the truth.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want that kind of honesty!”

“Well it’s all you’re gonna get!” Carson yelled. And he instantly regretted it when he saw Josiah’s pained expression. He lowered his voice and said, “For now. I mean for now, Joe. If we could actually be together then of course I would fall in love with you. Who the fuck couldn’t? I mean, seriously, look at you! You’re amazing and perfect.”

Josiah shook his head angrily again. He still glared down at the bed. “I’m not perfect. I’m cheating. On an amazing girl. With her best friend.” Carson bit his lip and stayed quiet. Josiah took in a deep breath and said hopefully, “But...we could be together.”

Carson’s eyes widened and his heart starting thumping nervously. “No, we couldn’t. Not with Ayden the way she is.”

The older boy buried his face in his hands. “None of this is fucking fair!” he yelled. “I want to be with you, Carson. Why are you fighting me now? Two weeks ago you would have said yes!”

“And two weeks ago you told me no!” Carson yelled back. “So don’t do this to me!”

“You don’t do this to me!” Josiah screamed angrily. The tears were welling back up again, threatening to fall at any second. He couldn’t bring himself to care as he said, “You don’t have any idea how hard this is for me. I’m supposed to be with her! But all I can fucking think about is you! Don’t you know how shitty that makes me feel? And then I realize how that sounds--like I’m unhappy thinking about you, which I’m not--and I feel even worse. Because I care about you and I love you a lot. But I also love her. And I always loved her so much, only now it feels like it’s fading and I don’t know how to stop it or even if I should. Everything’s just a mess now, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!”

Carson sat there stunned for a few moments. Once again, these were things he had never thought Josiah would have to say to him. He was slightly pleased, but they only drove home just how wrong it would be for them to get together. Not while Ayden was laying in a coma. Possibly never, even.

“Josiah, stop yelling at me,” was all Carson could think to say. And even as he said it, he knew it was lame and even a little mean.

“Stop disregarding how I feel!” Josiah snapped. He was so upset with Carson by now that he couldn’t look at him any longer. He tore his sage-coloured gaze away and glared at the wall. “Why can’t you just listen to me? I’ve never felt like this before, and I already told you that morning about how Ayden can’t compare to you. There’s just something about you, Car. I love you.”

“Stop it!” Carson snapped. He jumped off of the bed, feeling anger pulse through him. He glared at Josiah as he walked past him. “I can’t. I seriously can not do this with you right now, Joe.”

Josiah’s sad eyes went wide as he watched Carson leave the room. In seconds he had managed to scramble to his feet and chase after him. “Where are you going?” he complained. “Just talk to me, please!”

“No!” Carson yelled, not looking back as he headed for the door. He needed to get some fresh air. “I’m going for a walk and you’re not coming with me.”

Josiah stopped dead in his tracks. The tears were forgotten but the their tracks were still on his light-brown cheeks. “You’re leaving?” he asked in horror.

“Yes,” Carson mumbled, pulling on his spring jacket. He finally looked back at Josiah and he felt his heart constrict. The older boy’s eyes were puffy and his nose was running slightly. Carson hated that it was his fault. “I’ll be fine. It’s the middle of the afternoon.”

With that, the brunet pulled the door open and walked out, slamming it shut behind him.

The second the door was closed, Josiah swore and yelled loudly, “God damn it!” Then he ran straight to his room and burrowed himself under the covers of his bed.

Carson stomped his way down the hall and out the front door of the building. He was fuming from everything that had just happened. He thought Josiah was being selfish again. Only now it was because of Ayden. It sort of seemed like Josiah didn’t care anymore whether or not he was with her. And Carson couldn’t understand how he supposedly had that effect on the older boy. But either way, it made him feel guilty.

He felt guilty because he was actually really pleased about it. He may not love Josiah completely yet, but he knew he was getting there. Just knowing that Josiah apparently already felt that way made his heart stop and his stomach flutter.

Carson had to quash the feeling down, though, because now wasn’t the time for this. Like his friend, the brunet had spent the last few weeks doing a lot of thinking. Only it was apparently in the opposite direction of Josiah. He had spent days convincing himself that there couldn’t be anything between them anymore. He had only just settled on this notion three days ago.

Carson had promised himself that he wouldn’t try to kiss Josiah again until after Ayden was better. And if Josiah still felt the same and they broke up, only then would Carson let himself be with the darker boy. Only now it was so much more complicated. Because Josiah just had to go spouting off at the mouth saying he loved him.

Carson sat down heavily on the steps of the apartment building. Try as he might to deny it, Carson was still a little hesitant to stray too far from Josiah’s side when they went out. He wasn’t exactly scared anymore that someone was going to attack him again, but he was a bit leery. He could walk from class to class on his own if he needed to. Or go to the stores on campus by himself. But with Josiah there he didn’t have to.

The brunet was realizing how bad that was. He needed to start getting better control of himself. It wasn’t like he was going to go out at night on his own anymore, but during the day he had to start putting his foot down. He needed to tell Josiah to let him take care of himself more often. And after the fight they had just had, he was slightly worried that Josiah would be all too willing to get rid of him.

Carson took in a deep breath and glanced around his surroundings. The parking lot was half full and he immediately noticed Josiah’s black car. The brunet flicked his eyes away and took in the green grass and blooming trees of early May. The wind was blowing and Carson thought it was maybe fifty or sixty degrees out. The sun soaked into his shirt and he felt his cheeks flush at the heat. It was nice.

Taking another deep breath, Carson pulled his phone out of his pocket. He knew what he needed to do. That was another thing the twenty year old had let his mind wander to the last few weeks. His mood was constantly up and down. He would randomly get terrified of people he passed on the sidewalks of campus. And he still had a few frightening dreams--ones that weren’t enough to wake Josiah, so he kept them to himself.

Carson dialed his mother’s phone number slowly and a little reluctantly. But he didn’t let himself stop. He had reached a conclusion only just that morning, and he would be damned if he let himself carry on without at least trying it out.

“Hello?” Faith asked happily into the phone.

“Hey, mom,” Carson mumbled, looking down at the concrete beneath his shoes.

“What’s going on, sweetie? Are you and Josiah enjoying the nice weather today?”

Carson swallowed guiltily. “Yeah, kind of. Listen, mom. I need to talk to you about something.”

Faith’s tone immediately grew concerned. “What’s wrong?”

Carson ruffled his hair and watched a few sparrows chase each other around a tree. “Nothing new. But I was wondering if you could find me someone to talk to...”

Faith paused for a while. The silence was starting to be too much and Carson started to fidget. Finally, after what felt like hours, the woman said, “You mean a therapist, right?”

Carson swiped away a single tear that fell. He nodded his head to himself and shakily said, “Yeah. I think I need to start talking about...things.”

When Faith spoke again, her voice had changed dramatically. Carson could practically hear the bright smile she must have had on her face. “You got it, sweetie.”

Carson nervously bit on his lip. He squinted up at the sun for a few moments before looking away again. He saw a squirrel run across the grass and then bolt up into a tree. The brunet’s teeth released his lip and he breathed the spring air in deeply before letting it out again.

“Thanks, mom.”

*

Carson watched Josiah carefully the next Tuesday. Finals week was now successfully underway, and they both felt confident about the ones they had taken the previous day.

Carson felt awkward around Josiah now. He purposefully slept on the couch every night since their fight. He saw the way Josiah scrunched up his face in anger when he thought Carson wasn’t looking each night before he went off to his room.

The brunet felt bad about it, truly, but he knew he shouldn’t try to console the older boy. If he did, he would probably end up making things worse. And Carson knew they were already bad enough.

It was last night when Carson finally told his friend about the appointment his mother had set up for him. The amount of emotions he had seen of the older boy’s face when he broke the news had his heart clenching oddly. Josiah looked surprised at first, then briefly hurt, before he smiled brightly and said how great it was. That had only made the brunet confused.

Everything Josiah had been doing in the last few days confused him. He tried to get closer to Carson, cooked more often for him--mostly the younger boy's favourite foods--and wanted to do more things with him. Like go to the movies or dinner or just simply walk around on campus. To Carson’s complete shock, Josiah even wanted to go to the gym on campus so the brunet could show him how to play basketball since he had never done anything besides run track.

As much it pained him to actually go out with Josiah when he knew what it really meant to him, it pained Carson more to deny him. So whenever he got bored with studying, he gave in and went with. But there was still that nagging voice inside his head that kept telling him how unfair he was being to both of his best friends.

Now, as they sat in the car on the way up to Providence so Carson could go to his very first therapy session, the brunet was worried about his friend. Josiah had barely spoken a complete sentence to him since they had left the apartment.

Carson bit his tongue, though, and just gave out the directions as needed once they were in the city. It was when they pulled into the parking lot before the tall office building that Josiah finally turned to his best friend and spoke.

“Are you sure about this?”

The brunet quirked his lips and nodded. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to see you get worse somehow because of it.”

Carson smiled. “I’ll be fine, Joe. Besides, you wanted me to do this before. Now I’m ready. I need to.”

The older boy sighed and looked out the window. “I know. I care too much.”

Carson fidgeted and looked down at the clock on the radio. He had ten minutes before his appointment. “I should go.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with?” Josiah asked quietly. He already knew the answer, but he had to check one last time.

The brunet shook his head and smiled when those sage eyes finally met his again. “I’ll be fine. Go visit with Ayd.” Carson ignored the falter in his friend’s smile. “Give her a kiss for me and I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“What are you going to talk about?”

Carson huffed. “I don’t know, whatever I feel like I guess. And maybe later if I feel like it, I’ll let you know. But not if you start anything with me, got it?”

Josiah rolled his eyes and grumbled something. He’d noticed over the last few days that Carson was getting back to his old self again more and more. He was quick to be sarcastic and bossy like he used to occasionally be. Given that Carson was so adamant about them not being together, Josiah wasn’t exactly happy that this side of the brunet was coming out right now. He knew for sure that it meant Josiah wouldn’t get to hold him or kiss him again for a long time.

“Yeah, fine,” Josiah muttered.

Carson smiled again and leaned in, surprising the older boy with a hug. It had been days since he had hugged him. He felt Josiah’s arms quickly wrap around him. When Carson went to pull away, the other boy almost didn’t let him. That made Carson frown for a moment, but then he was released and he jumped out of the car without another glance back at the sage-eyed boy.

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