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Josiah couldn’t help the frown that took over his facial features when Carson had walked away from the car. Try as he might not to feel that way, it still kind of got under his skin that Carson wanted almost nothing to do with him lately.

It had been impossible not to notice that everything that Josiah tried in order to get closer to the younger boy, he was always met with resistance. And the times that Carson did give in and hang out with Josiah, the amount of reluctance put into it was clearly evident in his actions and tone of voice.

It was hard for Josiah not to take it personally. Over the weekend, his mind had been going nonstop. He lay awake for hours just thinking about what he was doing, how wrong and selfish it was, and about Carson in general. He really did love him a lot, and he was embracing that. He never once, for even a second, forgot about Ayden, but he still decided that he was going to accept it and just do what his instincts told him to.

The difficult part, though, was that his instincts wanted him to be with Carson, and Carson’s instincts blatantly wanted them to be apart. It was very conflicting to the older boy, who was already struggling with the fact that all of a sudden he was interested in another guy. Now, to have that guy rejecting him so consistently, it felt like he was being torn at by angry hyenas or something.

Then, as if he were trying to rub salt into the festering wound in Josiah’s chest, Carson randomly dropped the therapy bomb on him the night before. Josiah had been studying for his next final exam in the kitchen when the brunet had strolled in, acting all casual, and asked if he could get a ride.

Of course Josiah agreed. If Carson wanted or needed to do this, then he would be there to help him out, but there was no lying about how much it still hurt to know that the brunet didn’t want to confide in Josiah. And once again, the sage-eyed boy found himself trying desperately not to take it so personal.

Sighing as he watched Carson slowly walk into the building and then disappear, Josiah scratched at his head through his curls. He rolled his eyes at himself, and the whole situation, really, before putting his car into drive and leaving the crowded parking lot.

The dark-haired boy had told his friend that he was going to go see Ayden while he waited, but that was actually a lie. He didn’t think he could handle going to see her after everything he had done wrong in the last few days. He and Carson hadn’t gone to visit her during the weekend, and somehow it made things slightly more bearable for the older boy.

Wanting to continue living in the little bubble of ignorance, he had decided he was going to go visit his mom instead. Josiah checked the time on the radio and noted that he was right on time. His mom should be going on her lunch break soon.

When he got to the courthouse he went through the security check and then headed towards the department his mother worked in. When he walked up to the counter he could see her sitting in her little cubicle area a ways behind it. Lanai looked up just in time to see her son waving to her, and a smile instantly lit up her face.

Josiah had to wait a few seconds for her to grab her lunch bag and then walk out of the door to where he was standing.

“Oh, what a pleasant surprise,” Lanai said, hugging her son tightly. When she stepped back, she gestured for him to follow her. “Let’s head down to the break room and we can talk. So what brings you here? Are you visiting Ayden?”

Josiah bit his lip as he walked next to his mom. “Not exactly.”

Lanai turned to give her son a curious look. “Where’s Carson?”

“I just dropped him off at his first therapy session.”

Understanding filled in the woman’s expression and she nodded. “Oh, I see. I’m not sure whether I’m surprised it took this long or that he gave in so early. You can kind of never tell with that boy.”

They reached a closed door and Lanai pushed it open. Walking into the thankfully empty room first, Josiah said, “Yeah, I know. One minute he’s hot and the next he’s cold.”

They sat down at a table next to a vending machine and Lanai started to pull out her food. “You look like you’re in a mood,” she commented, eyeing her son. “What’s going on?”

Josiah bit at his lip and looked down at his hands in his lap. He had come here to tell her about everything. She was his mom and he thought she knew him the best. Now that he was here, though, he realized just how difficult it was to get the words out. Before, he had thought it would be easy. Boy, was he wrong.

“I just...” he said quietly. “I don’t want you to get mad at me, okay?”

Lanai narrowed her eyes and lowered her sandwich. “What have you done?”

Josiah looked away from his mother completely, staring at a far wall. He felt so ashamed of himself that things had even come to this. He should be with Ayden right now--holding her hand and kissing her on the cheek. Talking to her as if she could hear him because he just wanted her to know how much he loved her. Instead, he was sitting with his mother across the city, feeling like he was about to confess to a crime or something.

“I really love Ayden, mom,” he said in a small voice. “I do. But things have gotten a little crazy in the last two months. It's been so chaotic.”

“Josiah...”

“There’s someone else.” He held his breath and continued staring at the wall. He only heard silence. “And...It’s, uh, well, he’s a guy.”

Lanai’s eyes skyrocketed at that. She nearly dropped her tuna sandwich when the words hit her ears. Her son was telling her that he liked a guy? That was something she had never expected to come from him.

“You...what?” Lanai asked in disbelief.

Josiah grabbed a low-hanging curl and turned back to face his mom. He didn’t meet her eyes yet, though. He only stared at her bag of apple slices sitting on the table.

“I know it’s bad,” he mumbled. “I’ve got Ayden. I shouldn’t be thinking about anyone else, but the problem is that I can’t help it.”

Lanai remained quiet. She wasn’t sure what to say yet. She was still in shock, and she couldn’t pretend to understand what Josiah was going through. Nothing like this had ever presented itself to her before, so she couldn’t judge him for anything. There was no way to tell that she wouldn’t be doing the same thing if she were in his position.

Josiah sighed quietly. “I’m supposed to be there for her, but I can’t. I have to be out here going to school and having fun. She should be at my side, being able to do these things too, but she’s not. I can’t do anything with her. But he’s there. I can see and talk to him and go out and do things with him.”

Lanai pursed her lips before saying, “Josiah, it’s alright.”

The black-haired boy shook his head, watching the apples carefully. “It’s not, really. But like I said, I can’t help it, mom. I know it’s only been a couple months. This shouldn’t be enough time to find someone else, and I promise I wasn’t looking. It just kind of hit me full speed.” Josiah paused to take a shaky breath. He glanced up his mother to see her worried eyes. “Hardly any time has passed, yet it feels like forever. Time without her is stretching on and on. And he’s just there with me, all the time. I’m falling for him. Harder and faster than I ever fell for Ayden.”

When Josiah stopped talking, Lanai was speechless for a few moments. To hear her son say that he was falling in love with a boy was shocking. He had always dated girls and was so genuine with his love for Ayden. The prospect of him being with a boy had never crossed her mind before. But she wasn’t homophobic. They lived in New England, one of the more accepting areas of the country. She thought love was love and that was it. Only, she never imagined it would apply to her child.

It took Lanai another minute to put two and two together. Once the thought hit her, she gasped quietly and asked, “It’s Carson, then?”

Josiah’s eyes went wide. He hadn’t really decided whether or not he was going to tell his mother who the guy was, but now it seemed he had his answer. He flicked his eyes over her face and away a few times as he nervously said, “Yeah, it’s...it’s Carson.”

Lanai reached a hand out and set it on top of her son’s. “Honey...I know he’s a great kid and your best friend, but do you think it’s real?”

Josiah had to bite his tongue at that. He hated how accusatory and flippant the question was. He only nodded a little.

Full of concern for her son’s behaviour, Lanai said, “Are you sure it’s not just circumstantial?”

Josiah looked up and met his mother’s eyes. He shook his head. “I thought about that, but I don’t think it is. Mom, I’ve always clicked so well with him. I’m jealous of other people he’s with and, honestly, I always have been.” Embarrassed, he looked away from his mom once again so he could admit for the first time, “I used to watch him in high school. I always thought he was so cool. Like, I wanted to be his friend, but something always stopped me from ever talking to him. I think I was scared he wouldn’t like me.”

Lanai’s brows furrowed. “Are you saying you had a crush on him?”

“I don’t even know,” Josiah said truthfully. “But when I started dating Ayden, and it turned out her best friend was him, I was so relieved. It was perfect. I got to be his friend and we got along so damn well. Everything was perfect with the three of us. Now it’s all messed up. No matter what, it can never go back to that.”

“Have you kissed him, Josiah?” Lanai asked sharply.

The sage-eyed boy looked away as a slight tint of red came to his cheeks. “Well, I mean, yeah...but it was only once. Wait, no, twice. But it was only seconds apart.”

Lanai sighed in disapproval. “Josiah, how could you?”

“I know,” he said somewhat miserably. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done it, but it doesn’t even matter because I swear he hates me now.”

“Why would he hate you? I’ve seen the way he looks at you, so adoring and like you put the moon in the sky just for him. I don’t think Carson could hate you even if he wanted to.”

Josiah brought his hand away from his curls and used it to rub at the back of his neck. He was frowning down at the table. “It’s like I have to beg him to hang out with me now. And when he gives in, you’d swear I was holding a knife to his throat and making him do something with me. I don’t know what to do, mom. I can’t make him be with me, but I don’t want to let him go either.”

With sympathy finally in her eyes, the older woman reached her hand out to pat her son’s shoulder consolingly. “It’s okay, sweetie. You two will figure it out--everything, including Ayden. You need to address what’s going on and discuss it.”

Josiah looked up at his mother with wide, fearful eyes. His hand continued to worry at the back of his neck, the skin beginning to feel uncomfortable and raw by now. But he couldn’t stop as he said, “But he hardly talks to me since we fought on Friday. I don’t think I could get him to sit down and listen to what I have to say for very long.”

“Okay, what did you do?” Lanai asked, narrowing her eyes at the boy.

Josiah’s eyes became defensive. “Me? Why did I have to do something? He could have done something!”

“True. Although, I bet he didn’t. You wouldn’t be the one here, crying to your mother, if he’d done something wrong. You’d be fuming or already forgiving him.”

The twenty-one year old bit at his lip and grumbled to himself. He knew his mother was right and that annoyed him. “I guess. But I didn’t really even--”

“Josiah.”

“Fine,” he snapped, giving the woman a little glare. “All I did was tell him that I loved him; that I was in love with him.”

Lanai leaned back and stared at her son with huge, round eyes. “You didn’t.”

Josiah’s brow immediately furrowed. “Yeah, I did. Why are you looking at me like that?’

Lanai lightly smacked her son on the arm. “You can’t just tell him that! Think of how guilty he’s feeling. He kissed his best friend’s boyfriend. He thinks he’s stealing you away from her, I’m sure. And given where she is right now, it’s probably making him feel worse. You probably freaked him out by telling him that!”

The boy just stared at his mother in shock for a few moments, letting the words sink in. Then he dropped his head in his hands, feeling shame and regret wash over him. “God, I’m so stupid,” he mumbled.

“You’re not stupid, honey,” Lanai soothed in a soft voice. “But you shouldn’t have said something so big so soon.”

Talking into his hands, Josiah said, “Well, I wasn’t going to lie to him! I am in love with him! I wanted him to know.”

“That’s your problem, Josiah. You can never just dial it back and keep things to yourself. It’s not a crime, but it gets you into trouble. Now is the perfect example.”

The black-haired boy grumbled into his hands some more. He couldn’t get over how idiotic he had been not to think that by expressing his feelings, he might be driving the brunet away. Sadly, the last thing he wanted to do was what was actually happening. Josiah felt like he was going to lose Carson now because of this, and it made his chest ache more painfully than ever.

“I have to talk to him,” he muttered, pressing his palms harder into his jaded eyes. “I have to apologize and hopefully he’ll just forget it. Because I just can’t take another day with him acting like this. I need him.”

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