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The therapy session was turning out to be a lot more awkward than Carson had originally anticipated. Obviously he knew it wasn’t going to be easy as pie to just outright tell the portly woman who was sitting across from him with a kind and concentrated expression everything that had happened to him. However, he certainly hadn’t been expecting his throat to close up the very second he stepped into her office.

Carson’s cheeks had actually flushed a deep red colour when the woman had first opened her door, called his name, and warmly introduced herself as Katherine Barth. He had barely been able to do more than stand, nod embarrassingly in greeting, and stumble passed her into the earth tone themed room.

His appointment was supposed to be an hour long, and so far he had burned up half of it just flitting his eyes around anxiously, trying as hard as he could to get even one word out. Each time he failed miserably and looked down at the black leather of the comfortable couch he was sitting on.

Carson wasn’t sure what finally made him get the words out, but as he watched Katherine furrow her brow as she scribbled in her blue notebook, he said, “What are you writing?”

A little surprised that Carson was finally speaking to her, Katherine raised her brows and slowly glanced up at the young man. She noticed the way he squirmed under her gentle gaze. Katherine had only tried to talk to Carson for the first ten minutes of him coming into her office. After that she had backed off and began putting her pen to paper.

The woman knew the big picture of what had happened to the brunet as his mother had mentioned it when she had called to make sure Katherine was properly qualified to deal with this kind of thing. Given her experience with past clients suffering just like Carson currently was, Katherine didn’t want to push the boy. She knew that just being there was a big step for Carson, and that he would talk to her when he was completely ready to do so.

Katherine smiled warmly at the boy across from her and said, “Nothing, actually.”

Carson bit his lip but looked confused. “Then what have you been doing?”

Katherine turned her notebook around and said, “Playing tic-tac-toe. As you can see, I’ve been winning every time. It’s much less satisfying when you’re up against yourself, I’m afraid.”

The brunet had to smile at this. Somehow the fact that this woman had been playing such a childish game instead of writing about how incompetent and socially inept he was made him feel a lot better. Even so, all he said was, “Oh.”

It went silent for another minute as Katherine watched Carson stare at his hand running along the leather next to his leg. Once again, Carson didn’t know what made him do it, but words that were completely irrelevant spilled from his lips. “He says he’s in love with me.”

Katherine was taken aback at first. She hadn’t been expecting to hear those words or anything like them. She tightened her hands around her notebook and asked, “Are you referring to the man who assaulted you?”

Carson blushed. “No. My...uhm, my best friend’s boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Katherine said.

Carson could hear the surprise in her voice even though she tried to cover it up. Tapping his fingers nervously, he said, “I’m sorry. I know it’s off topic; I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

“No, no,” Katherine assured with a friendly smile. Carson felt a little more relaxed. “This is about you. You can talk about anything you want to. Whatever is on your mind is fair game for discussion.”

Carson nodded, a little relieved to hear that. “Okay.”

“So do you think he means it?” Katherine questioned.

“Yeah, but that’s the problem,” Carson mumbled, looking down at his worn tennis shoes. “He shouldn’t mean it. He shouldn’t feel that way towards me.”

“And what exactly makes you say that?”

The brunet bit his lip lightly. “Because it’s wrong.”

“Do you mean because you’re both men?”

Carson shook his head. “Not at all. I’ve always been gay. I’m comfortable with that and who I am.”

Katherine nodded, trying to understand where the boy was coming from. Carefully, she said, “Does it have anything to do with what recently happened?”

“Not really. I trust Joe more than anybody. I know he won’t hurt me. It’s just that he’s with my other best friend. Or...he’s supposed to be. They’ve been together for over a year.”

“Well, how do you feel about Joe?”

Without thinking, Carson said, “It’s actually Josiah, not Joe. I just call him that because he’s my best friend.”

“Okay, and how do you feel about Josiah, then?” Katherine asked, twisting her pen in her hands.

Carson’s face twisted into a grimace. “It doesn’t even matter how I feel because it’s just so wrong. Like, I want to be with him, but it will never happen. I will always feel guilty about what we did.”

Katherine hummed for a moment before saying, “So you two are going behind your friend’s back? Or have you not...done anything?”

The brunet blushed and shrugged. “I mean, we’ve kissed twice. But that was two weeks ago.” Carson sighed and looked up to meet Katherine’s eyes. “My friend, Ayden--she’s the girl he’s dating--well, she’s in the hospital. She’s been in a coma for two months.”

Katherine’s face remained neutral and she didn’t say anything. She just watched the boy carefully. Carson took a deep breath and continued.

“She got in a car accident and had internal bleeding and then one day she had a seizure and fell into a coma. They don’t know if she’ll ever wake up, but that’s what makes all of this so much harder. Joe honestly feels like the only person I can trust. And I do really care about him,” Carson said quietly. “I know for a fact that if I let myself, I’ll be in love with him too. But it scares me because I’ve already screwed things up so much in our lives.”

Katherine’s expression changed to the slightest hint of a frown. Carson cleared his throat awkwardly and stared at the wall before she said, “What makes you say that you have screwed things up? What is it that you feel like you’ve done?”

Carson snorted and rolled his blue eyes. “I think it’s kind of obvious. The only reason Ayden’s on the verge of fricken death is because I called her that night when...when that happened.”

“You know it’s okay to say it,” Katherine said gently. The brunet looked at the woman and saw another of her friendly smiles on her face. He faltered. “If you feel comfortable with it, you don’t have to censor your words when you talk to me. I want you to feel free saying anything.”

The twenty year old bit his lip. “Okay. Well...the point is, it pisses me off that it’s my fault Ayden’s in a coma. I shouldn’t have been out alone that night. It was stupid and careless of me. And when I first saw Gabe that night I should have immediately turned and ran off. I knew he was pissed off at me and something bad was going to happen, but I was an idiot and I stayed.”

“So this Gabe is...?”

Carson took a steadying breath and said in a low voice, “Gabe is my ex-boyfriend. And he’s also one of the guys who raped me that night. I broke up with him the night before, and I think that’s why he did it. Like I said, he was really pissed off with me.”

“Why was he so upset with you?”

The brunet ran a hand through his hair anxiously. “He thought I was cheating on him. With Joe. But I wasn’t...I’ve never cheated before,” Carson said quietly. “It’s just that I spend a lot of time with Joe and I do like him. I thought I was hiding that well enough but I guess I was wrong. Because Gabe took it too seriously.”

Katherine had been listening to the young man intently, and she was about to make a comment when Carson surprised her by continuing to speak.

“Gabe was so upset about me and Josiah that he...he even made me, uhm--” Carson stopped for a moment to catch his breath. “Before they really did anything that night, Gabe made me lie to him. He made me admit that I was sleeping with Joe behind his back.”

The brunet stopped talking to rub the back of his hand worriedly across his forehead. He watched Katherine’s face before continuing. “It wasn’t the truth, obviously. I’d never done anything with Joe before that. But I had to say it. I-I really thought Gabe would let me go if I did, but he didn’t. It made him even more mad. But it was a lie! And he’s the one who made me tell it. I just--I just don’t understand why.”

At the sudden desperation and stutter in Carson’s voice, Katherine said, “Are you okay?”

Carson breathed deeply through his nose and nodded. “I still can’t believe I said it, though. That’s the worst lie I’ve ever told. It makes me sick to think about it--which is why I usually don’t. I don’t think I could ever tell Joe about that. I’m afraid of what he’ll think,” he muttered quietly.

Katherine narrowed her eyes as she studied the brunet. She could see the guilt and regret in his posture, expression, and every move. After a minute of the young man staying quiet, she asked, “What are you thinking right now?”

Carson shrugged and kept his eyes glued to the floor. “I mean, I get that I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t really deserve to have Gabe and Jeremiah shove me into the dirt and rape me. I get that. But I can’t help but think about all the things I could have done to prevent it.”

When Carson finally looked up he had blurry eyes. He blinked and felt a couple tears slide down his cheeks. “I just...I feel bad about everything. Like...what if I never like Josiah in the first place? Or if I’d never been dumb enough to fall for Gabe’s charm and never dated him at all? If that happened, things could have been so much better.”

“It’s okay to be upset, Carson, but thinking about the what-ifs probably isn’t the best thing for you right now.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” Carson cried, feeling nearly hysteric. “I can’t keep it bottled up anymore. I can’t change the past. What the hell do I do?”

“Think about how lucky you are to have the people around you that you do,” Katherine suggested, not perturbed by Carson’s behaviour at all. “You’ve got your parents and your friends. Are you going to school?” Carson just stared. Katherine went on anyway. “You’re going to do something with your life, Carson. You’ve got so much to look forward to.”

Carson sniffled and embarrassedly wiped at his eyes. His heart was still racing, but he admitted that the woman’s words got to him. “I guess,” he mumbled.

“You’ve had a setback. But you’re not going to let that define you, are you?” Carson shook his head timidly. Katherine leaned forward slightly. “I’m going to be honest with you. You’ve done an amazing job so far. I’ve seen so many people just sit back and let something like this tear their lives apart. But you’re one of the strongest young men I’ve seen in a long time. You will get past this. You’ll accept it, you’ll let it go, and you’ll be happy.”

Carson bit his lip as he looked at the woman. “How do you know?”

Katherine smiled and Carson felt a bit of comfort from the gesture. “It’s the kind of vibe I get from you. You’re not going crazy, Carson, you carry yourself so well. You don’t want to give in, I can see that plain as day. I’ve just got a feeling about you. You’ll be okay.”

“When?” the brunet asked. His voice was hardly above a whisper.

Katherine sighed quietly and rested back into her chair. “These things take time. People deal with it differently. Immerse yourself back into your old life or start new. What feels more comfortable to you? Figure that out and work with it. Surround yourself with your loved ones that you know care the most about you. Let them in and let them help you.” Katherine’s lips tugged up at the corners. “Don’t isolate yourself, Carson. Let yourself be happy.”

The brunet watched Katherine glance up at the clock on the wall. He let his eyes flick to the same spot and when he saw the time he raised his eyebrows in surprise. He couldn’t believe how fast the last half hour had gone.

“Oh,” Carson muttered. “It’s almost one. I should get out then, huh?”

“We still have a few minutes,” the woman said. “If you wanted to talk about anything else, we could.”

Carson shook his head and stood up. He ran his hands over his jeans, feeling awkward all over again. “Uhm, thanks. I think. For listening to all of that junk.”

Katherine chuckled and stood up as well, leaving her notebook behind on her chair. “It’s my job. I’m here for you to talk to. I’m glad you could open up to me.” Carson nodded and shifted on his feet. “You can come back in a couple weeks if you’d like. We could talk some more. About anything. I just want you to feel like you have a safe outlet for how you’re feeling.”

Carson felt the urge to smile, but for some reason it didn’t happen. “You’re actually pretty easy to talk to. And...and I feel like you can understand me. Is that weird? I’ve only spoken to you for twenty-five minutes.”

“It’s not weird, Carson. It’s progress.”

Carson’s face went slack. “Uhm.” He itched at the back of his hand and looked at the clock again. He watched as the minute hand hit the twelve, and he began to inch towards the door. “Okay, I’ll, uh, think about coming back. Thanks, again,”

Katherine walked the boy to the door and opened it for him. “It was my pleasure. Until next time,” she said with a grin.

Carson nervously smiled back, feeling that surge of comfort all over again. Then he slipped out of the room and hastily made his way down the hall and back towards the waiting room. He walked through the room quietly and tried to avoid looking at any of the people occupying the seats.

His blue eyes landed on the receptionist who was talking to an elderly woman. His heart raced at the thought of making another appointment, and he quickly exited the office.

Carson went out into the building’s hallway and let out a relieved breath. For some reason the air out there seemed so much easier to take in. After taking a moment to get his bearings back, he pulled out his recently acquired new phone as he made his way for the elevator at the end of the corridor.

The twenty year old pressed the call button for the lift and stared thoughtfully at the contact in his phone. He read Josiah’s name as things that made his stomach flutter and his palms start to sweat started flying around in his head.

Before Carson even walked into that office, he’d had an idea that he wasn’t really sure about. Somehow, he had managed to find something in Katherine’s words that made him come to a decision. There was still a vast amount of guilt pumping through his veins alongside his blood, as well as nervous energy, but he had made up his mind. And now he wanted to stick with it.

Just as the elevator’s doors opened, and he stepped in, Carson hit the call button on his phone. The large metal doors closed and the brunet swore he could hear the thumping of his heart reverberating off of the four walls around him.

When Josiah finally picked up, Carson took a breath and shut his eyes. “I’m ready.”

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