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This chapter is dedicated to O-b-s-c-u-r-e because I missed your birthday! Happy late birthday! Thank you for being so patient and sticking around!

Chapter 14

I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare, a horrible, horrible nightmare. I kept telling myself that I would wake up. There was no way this was real.

This couldn't have happened.

This was all a figment of my over active imagination; however, no matter how hard I pressed my eyes shut, the realty continued to shine though.

As I threw Steven's door open and stared down the hall, I saw the unthinkable, the impossible: a gurney being carried out of Rich's room! There was a sheet covering the body, but I knew it was rich; my gut just knew it.

I ran towards the two men in white uniforms with such force. "No!" I screamed. The sound seemed to reverberate off the walls, sending a rumble through the air. The adults of the skinny boy house stared at me in shock as I ran. Ruth's eyes were bloodshot, and Dawn was sobbing, her body shaking uncontrollably as she wrapped her arms around herself.

This isn't real, I told myself. I'm about to wake up.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Strong arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me back with such force that my teeth clamped shut, sending immediate, stabbing pain all the way up to my temples. Yet, I still fought. An animalistic scream tore up my throat as tears ran down my cheeks; they came out in an uncontrollable flood. Clawing at the arms that held me still, I reached out to the gurney.

I just had to see his face.

I needed to know it was Rich.

It's not real. This isn't real. Wake up. WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

The arms held me firmly, and as the men carried Rich away, I collapsed. Suddenly my own weight was too much for me to hold, and my stomach seized, causing me to vomit at my feet. Despite all this, a gentle touch rubbed my back as my stomach emptied itself once more.

"It's ok, Max. Shh. You're ok," Terry's voice was obviously pained yet still managed to hold a softness.

I wasn't ok though. I was the farthest away from ok as I could have possibly been. I buried my face into Terry's chest and let go. My sobs came in waves, ripping through my body so fiercely that it felt as if my insides were trying to climb out through my mouth.

I wanted to wake up so desperately, but as my breathing returned to normal, I knew this was my new reality. There was no escape. "What happened?" I managed to choke out. My body tensed as Terry spoke as if his words would shatter my flesh like glass.

"Let's just get you back to bed." Terry began to move, but I pushed against him with all the might I could muster.

"No!" I shouted once more. "Tell me what happened!" For the first time, I met Terry's eyes and found them to be puffy and red. His gently tanned skin held dark bags, and he was much paler than normal.

He shook his head silently.

A rush of exhaustion rushed over me, leaving me weak and cold. I faltered under my own weight once more but fell into Terry's chest once more. My tears slowed to a trickle that tip-toed down my cheeks as we stood in silence. "Please," I begged finally. "I have to know." I sniffled as Terry's arms tightened around me. "Please..."

Terry blew out a breath. "Only if you promise to go to your room. I have to go downstairs, but I'm not leaving you out in the open."

I nodded silently.

"I was doing room checks," as terry spoke, I felt the tiny bit of strength that managed to sink back into my limbs dissipate, "and I found Rich on the floor. He was face down, and when I rolled him over, he was so pale. He wasn't breathing." Terry stole another deep breath; though, it sounded uneven, shaken. "I called Agatha, and she did mouth-to-mouth until the ambulance showed up, but it was too late..." Terry's voice trailed off. "Max, I'm so sorry."

My body felt numb; my senses felt muted.

"Everyone back in your rooms!" Ruth shouted so suddenly that even Terry jerked in surprise. She was standing at the top of the stairs. "The police need your statement, Terry." Ruth leaned against the railing as she spoke. She was trying her best to keep a calm demeanor, but her hands were shaking just as much as her voice.

"I'll check on you soon, ok?" Terry's eyes held a silent determination.

I nodded.

"Can you make it to your room?"

I nodded once more, and as Terry's arms left me, I found myself able to stand. When I spun around, I finally noticed my fellow skinny boys standing in Steven's doorway. Their faces were pale as they stared at me. Geoffrey's eyes were wide in silent horror as he leaned onto Steven for support. Steven held Geoffrey tightly as his own tears fell.

"This can't be happening," Geoffrey cried. "This is so messed up."

"What did Terry say?" Steven asked as Geoffrey sobbed.

Extending an arm and using the wall as a support, I made my way to the remaining skinny boys. "Terry found Rich..." I couldn't say it aloud; I couldn't admit Rich was gone, "he tried to help, but it was too late."

Steven wrapped his free arm around my neck, pulling me close. "Did he say what happened?"

I shook my head silently. Suddenly, speaking seemed impossible.

"They have to know what happened! Someone has to know something!" Geoffrey sounded exasperated. He shakily ran his fingers through his hair as he pulled away from Steven. "I have to know what happened! Rich is my friend!" More tears fell from his puffy eyes.

"This is insane..."

Rich was gone. Just like that. I never imagined that Rich would actually die. A crushing weight grew between my shoulders as I covered my mouth with both hands. Slowly, I sank against the wall and fell into a pile on the floor. My house mates' eyes followed me to the ground,

Suddenly, I came to the heartbreaking realization that all of this, Rich's death, was my fault.

Oh, god. What have I done?

"This is my fault," I sobbed through my hands. "It's all my fault..."

"Don't say that!" Steven snapped as he quickly knelt down to me. "How could you have known this would happen? No one could have known!" He reached out to touch my shoulder, but as he made contact, I recoiled as if I his hand were made of acid.

Pushing myself to my feet, I stepped away from the boys. Geoffrey stared at me with wide eyes. "If I would have said something to someone, Rich would still be here! I messed up; I messed up so bad."

Steven reached out once more, but this time, I slapped his hand away. "Leave me alone! No amount of nice words will change anything, Steven!" I snapped.

He blinked in surprise at my harshness and took a step back. "I'm just trying.."

"I know what you're trying to do, Steven, but this isn't one of the times where everything is going to be ok." At this point, I was shouting. "Everything isn't ok! This isn't ok!"

"Stop it," Geoffrey sobbed weakly. "I can't handle you two. Grow the hell up." He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. "I'm not going to stand around here and listen to this. I'm going to find out what happened to my friend." Without saying another word, Geoffrey glided past us and began down the stairs.

"Max," Steven began once more, but I held out my hand to silence him.

"Leave it alone." I stole a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves. "Leave me alone."

Steven's mouth hung open for a moment before he nodded once and turned away. He shut the door behind him as he entered his room, leaving me alone in the hallway.

With my heart aching, I forced myself to make the last few steps to my own room. Once inside, I pushed the door shut.

In my seclusion, I allowed myself to fall apart completely. The newly formed glue that stuck between my broken psyche washed away as I screamed into my mattress. I balled my fists and punched my pillows over and over until my knuckles were raw and burning.

At some point, I fell into a coma-like sleep. I didn't actually remember falling asleep, but I definitely blacked out. There were no dreams; only darkness greeted me. I only awoke because there was a light tapping on my door.

Before I could answer, Terry's warm presence entered. "Max?"

I sat up, and as I did, an excruciating headache bloomed behind my eyes. Wincing, I rubbed my temples. "Yeah?" My mouth was dry and gritty, and a sourness seemed to linger on my taste buds.

Terry stood just a little bit past the doorframe. He had his hands in his pockets and seemed to be chewing on the inside of his lips. "I'm here to make sure everyone attends breakfast."

I rolled my eyes and flopped back onto the bed. I didn't have my blanket or pillow to cover my face, so I simply closed my eyes. In that moment, I wanted the world to disappear; I wanted it all to just go away. "I'm not hungry."

Terry sighed. "I was afraid you would say that." The guard paused. "Can I sit down?"

Without speaking, I shuffled to the far end of the bed and rolled away, so I was facing the opposite direction from Terry.

He sat beside me silently. His weight on the bed inched me closer to him. "I'm not going to say that I know how you must feel or all that because I don't. I don't know what you're going through, but I do know that you are hurting. We're all hurting right now."

I cracked my eyes open and stared out as tears began to well once more. My eyes seemed to burn as the tears began to trickle down my cheeks, and my headache pulsated at my temples. Despite all this, I appreciated Terry's words. He was always acting like our protector; he gave us treats when no one was looking, he came to check on us when we had tough days, and he never hesitated to be an ear for me to talk to.

"It's my fault," I mumbled. The words basically clawed their way out of my mouth. "It's all my fault."

"Why would you think that, Max?" Terry placed a hand on my shoulder. "What happened to Rich isn't anyone's fault. He was sick."

Suddenly, I pushed myself up, turning to face the guard. Lights danced behind my eyes as I did, but I ignored the pain. "You don't understand! I knew what was going on; I knew what Rich was doing, but I didn't do anything about it!" My words came out in a rush as burning tears flooded my vision.

Terry reached out once more, but I jerked away before he could touch me. For a moment, a touch of sadness seeped into his eyes, but I he pulled away and folded his hands in his lap. "I don't understand."

I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs completely and exhaled slowly. I told the truth; I spoke the words I should have spoke a long time ago. "I caught Rich and Geoffrey throwing up in Rich's room a few weeks ago, and I never told anyone. I just kept thinking to myself that they would get caught. I mean, how couldn't they get caught?" A nervous, anxious laugh slipped my lips. "They were puking in bags and just dumping them down the toilets when no one was paying attention."

Terry's eyes widened, but he kept quiet as I rambled.

"I just knew that it couldn't be that easy, but they never got caught." I closed my eyes once more. "Rich would still be here if I had just told someone, but he was already in so much trouble... I didn't know what I was supposed to do, and Steven said that it was best to not get involved." I began to sob quietly. "It's my fault though!" Opening my eyes, I met Terry's soft gaze. I stared deeply into his dark eyes, searching for the same blame I had for myself, but instead, I only met kindness.

Terry wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. "Stop, Max. Just stop." His voice shook as he spoke. "You couldn't have know what was going to happen; you can't blame yourself for what happened to Rich."

With my eyes pressed closed, I wrapped my arms around Terry's back, digging my fingers into the rough fabric of his uniform. "I should have said something... maybe if I had... Rich would still be here."

Terry pulled me away from him, holding me out so I could meet his suddenly very serious gaze. "Life is full of what if's Max. You can't dwell on them or you will drive yourself crazy. We all knew Rich and Geoffrey were up to something, but even knowing that, we weren't able to do anything either. They already had their privileges revoked and were under almost constant supervision. We did everything in our power to try to break through to Rich, but in the end he succumbed to his illness."

I blinked away my tears. "But, I could have talked to him."

Terry shook his head. "What happened is horrible, but it wasn't your fault. Even if you had told us what they were doing, we wouldn't have been able to do much. Rich was determined to continue to fight the program."

Then, Terry said something that stopped me right in my tracks.

"Rich didn't want to get better, Max."

I stared at the guard for a long moment. It felt as if suddenly all the puzzle pieces fell into place. Rich wasn't concerned with his health in the slightest, and I knew this to be the truth because I understood all too well where he was coming from.

We all did.

"I want to be better," I sobbed as I pulled myself into Terry's chest once more.

He stroked my growing hair gently. "You will be."

"How can you know?" There was no way Terry could know how my story would end.

Terry chuckled lightly. "I just have this feeling." He blew out a long breath. "I keep finding myself in this place, Max. I always end up here with you. It's almost like I can sense when you're in a bad place."

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and cleared my throat. "I guess that's a good thing?"

Terry shrugged. "I think so. I can't help but imagine where we would be if you were older, and I didn't work here." Terry's words came out innocently, but I found myself staring into his eyes as a sudden longing bubbled in my stomach.

I figured it was because of the emotional distress I had endured for so long or maybe I was just trying to deal with the loss of Rich or maybe I just wanted to forget where I was for a moment, but the longing that blossomed in my stomach seemed to arch through my entire body.

I stared up at Terry and starting taking in the small details of his face. A small smile pulled at the corners of his lips, and his pale face held dark stubble where he hadn't shaved for the day.

For the first time, I realized how beautiful he was, and I wasn't focusing solely on his outward appearance. A glow, a warm, genuine glow seemed to radiate around him.

Closing my eyes, I leaned in and pressed my lips against the guards.

He pulled away instantly, basically leaping from my bed. "Oh god, Max," he mumbled in a panic.

"I'm sorry!" I shouted. "I didn't mean.."

Terry backed up to the door. "We have to get you downstairs. They'll be wondering where you are."

I shook my head and spoke firmly. "I'm not hungry."

"Look," he tone stern, "it's my job to get you downstairs, so please, let's go."

Still wearing my pajamas and barefooted, Terry led me silently out of my room and down the stairs. I noticed that the door to Rich's room was securely shut and there was a dark stain on the floor from where I threw up. The entire time we walked, he stood a good foot away from me, and at the bottom of the stairs, I stopped and tried to plea with him. "Please, Terry. Don't be mad. I'm just confused, and it's not your fau-"

"Stop," he whispered sternly. His brown eyes were deadly serious, but he said nothing else. Instead, he led me into the kitchen where Geoffrey and Steven sat in front of plates with what looked like scrambled eggs and toast.

When I walked through the door, Steven automatically met my eyes. He had dark bags under his own eyes as he picked at his food. Geoffrey sat next to him two times paler than he normally was. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were still red from crying.

Silently, I sat next to Steven as Terry left the kitchen without saying another word. A knot formed at the bottom of my stomach. I couldn't believe in a matter of seconds I messed up everything with Terry! What the hell was wrong with me?

It all became too much all too quickly as Chloe, the cook lady, silently slid a plate of food my way. Eating was the last thing on my mind, and as I stared at the plate, I felt my stomach lurch; however, when I glanced up from my plate, I found that for the first time since I entered the skinny boy house, Chloe's dusty eyes weren't blank. Instead, they were shining, glossy with tears that had yet to fall.

"Where is Ruth," I asked sheepishly.

Chloe turned her gaze down to me, blotting the corner of her eyes with a tissue she seemed to pull out of thin air. "She's still at the hospital. She will be back soon though with Rich's parents so they can collect his things." Her voice cracked as she turned away from us. "Please eat your breakfast. You are to report directly to Dawn once you are finished."

Steven was the first to eat. Just like the first days at the house, he closed his eyes and shoveled the food down his mouth. Geoffrey blew out a breath and began nibbling on his food as well. I found myself staring down at my plate.

"It's nice and simple," I coaxed myself internally. "Scrambled eggs and toast. You have this." It felt weird to eat, actually. Everything tasted bland, and I had to chase each bite down with a sip of water; however, I managed to clear my plate.

Surprisingly, my stomach seemed to settle with a little food in it.

Steven and Geoffrey followed suit, clearing their places in silence. Once we were all finished, Dawn met us in the kitchen and escorted us to her office. She, like the cook, blinked back silent tears. She sniffled as she spoke. "Today is an absolutely horrible day, and I know that. You are all going to experience the grieving process at your own pace, and I just want you to all know that I'll be here for you each and every step." She dabbed her eyes, smearing her already haphazard mascara.

"What happened to Rich?" Geoffrey asked as he gnawed on his fingernails. His voice cracked at the mention of his best friend.

Dawn blew her nose and sat her glasses on the top of her messy hair. "I don't know very much; we'll know more once Ruth comes back from the hospital."

Geoffrey scoffed loudly. "That's not good enough! Tell me something! Anything!"

"Yeah," I mumbled in agreement. "We need to know something."

Steven nodded as well, and Dawn chewed her bottom lip as she looked each one of us over individually.

"I was told by the paramedics that it appeared as though Rich's body just gave up. They think he had a heart attack of some sort." Dawn wiped away more of her tears and makeup with a wadded tissue.

Geoffrey stood up. "Just like that? He just has a heart attack and dies? Wouldn't we have heard something? There had to be something that could have been done!"

Dawn shook her head silently. "Agatha performed CPR until the ambulance arrived, but they weren't able to get a heart beat." She sat on the edge of her desk. "His body was weak and in a fragile state; he just pushed himself too far."

Too far.

Goosebumps inched up my arms. I had to wonder just how closely I danced with death. At my worst, how close had I been to pushing myself too far? Rich was alive and well when he went to sleep. Sure, he was thin, but I had been that thin at points.

What did it take to fall over the edge?

How close was Geoffrey to that edge?

I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged myself tightly. Staring at Rich, I found myself for the first time truly understanding why I was in this house.

I was in this house because I was killing myself.

I was slowly but surely killing myself, and for the first time in years, I wanted to live.

The rest of our therapy inched by as we each spoke about how we were feeling. Dawn explained how serious our illnesses were. Basically, it was the same old stuff, but this time, the three of us watched and listened seriously. Even Geoffrey seemed to be paying full attention.

"If any of you need anything, anything at all, my door is always open," Dawn attempted to end on a cheerful note, but her voice was strained, and she had cried so much her mascara made it look like someone punched her in both her eyes.

The three of us climbed the stairs together. The first thing I noticed was the stain on the carpet; it was completely gone. The second thing grabbed all our attentions.

The door to Rich's room was wide open, and everything that belonged to him had been removed as if he had never been there.

----

I want to take just a moment to thank each and every one of you for being patient and understanding with me. Without going into too much detail, I would just like to say that I haven't been in a super great place creatively or really mentally. 

I will say that I am going to ease myself back into writing since my head is clear.. er. I really want to complete this project for all of you because seriously, you are all the best!

As always, don't forget drop me a vote if you enjoyed the chapter, and please leave me a comment down below (:

More updates soon!

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