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I hope you all enjoy this new chapter! vote/comment!! It really helps out! Also please take the time to fan if you are a silent reader (: I've been known to dedicate chapters for all sorts of things, even new fans ;D

Chapter 5

Thankful that I had a moment to breathe, I followed behind Terry as he led me from the kitchen to the therapy room. Granted, the walk was a horribly short distance; however, I did my best to drag my feet and give myself as much of a breather as I possibly could.

It took everything in me not to just throw myself on the ground and revert back to my toddler phase, throwing a temper tantrum while refusing to walk another step farther. Sadly, I was just above that level of maturity. 

Terry waited patiently as I finally reached the closed door across the way. His brown eyes seemed sad despite how he tried to smile. “You’re doing so well, Max,” he offered me reassuringly.

I smiled up at him, barely meeting his gaze. If he knew the war that raged inside my body, he wouldn’t have thought that I was doing so well. Hell, I wanted nothing more than to rid my body of the food weighing me down, but I knew that would only make me feel worse. 

I already felt like complete and utter shit; there was no point in making myself feel worse. 

For now, the food could stay.

For now.

When I said nothing, Terry nodded gently as he opened the door and stepped aside. With a gulp, I inhaled deeply and walked through the doorway. Without as much as a good luck, the security guard shut the door, giving me no chance to flee.

Before I could even toy with that idea, Dawn emerged from her tidy desk tucked away in the corner. Her hair was in its usual tight ponytail, and her bright acrylic nails matched her large red-framed glasses. “Are you ready to get started, Max?”

Inside, my body screamed, no; however, I nodded as she placed a hand on my shoulder and led me to the plush chair in front of her desk. I had been through many therapists before, and they all treated me like this sad little creature who was too frail to stand on his own. Naturally, I expected Dawn to treat me the same or something to that respect. 

When I sat down, she made her way to her desk, pulled out a spiral notebook, the same that I used in school, and stared at me until I got stopped fidgeting and looked as comfortable as possible..

Well, as comfortable as possible considering the circumstances. 

“How’re you feeling after your first full day here, Max?”

I blinked at Dawn for a few seconds; I expected her to ask the generic tell-me-how-you-feel question. The way she spoke actually made me think she was interested in hearing what I had to say.

Truthfully, it was a little disarming, but I wasn’t quite ready to spill my guts to this woman just yet.

“Overwhelming,” I replied honestly. 

She wrote in her notebook very quickly then met my eyes once more. “Can I get you to elaborate?”

I involuntarily sighed at her question. And the shrink bullshit starts, my mind hissed.

When I didn’t speak, Dawn said something that truly struck me. “Max, I know that you’ve been through a string of counselors and psychiatrists by now; I know that you think I’m going to sit up here and ask you questions like “How does that make you feel?” and “Can you please elaborate?”. I’m not like the rest of them. Believe me when I tell you that.”

That caught my attention.

“I care about each and every one of the boys that comes through my doors, and it’s my job to help you through this devastating process; I’m here to be a friendly ear.” She finished speaking and smiled down at me. “So, for our sake, can we skip the let’s-hate-the-counselor phase and get right down to business?”

I caught myself smiling at the colorful woman before me. Somehow, I just knew that she and Terry were the only two I could fully trust. “I can try.”

“And I can work with that.” Dawn smiled once more. “So, what made today so overwhelming?” She got back on track quickly.

Stealing a deep breath, I closed my eyes and allowed the walls around my feelings to come crashing down. “Everything about today has been overwhelming. My privacy has been stripped from me, and one of the things I fear most, food, is practically stuffed down my throat.” My words came out too quickly, and I found myself almost gasping for air; however, I couldn’t bring myself to stop talking. It was like a flood gate finally broke. 

“I just want to go home, go back to the way things used to be. I know that everything was messed up there too, but at least I had the delusion of freedom. Here, I’m trapped in this house with these other boys, and I just want to be alone.”

“How is being alone going to help you, Max? Do you actually want to get better?” Dawn questioned genuinely. 

I found myself holding my breath. “At least when I was alone, no one made me feel like I was this horrible, twisted monster that used to be human, and I don‘t know if I want to get better!” My voice cracked as tears already began to flow. “I shouldn’t feel this horrible whole trying to feel better. If it’s always going to feel this bad, I think I would rather just stay at home and wither away into nothing.” My own words seemed to surprise me; however, Dawn didn’t look surprised at all.

“That may be true, but wouldn’t you say that even when you were alone, you made yourself feel just as bad, if not worse, as you feel here?” Dawn paused a moment to let her words sink in before she continued. “If you don’t want to get better, then nothing any of us do here will help you. In order for you to beat this, you have to want to beat it. So,” she began coolly, let me ask you this again. Do you want to get better?”

I chewed on my bottom lip as I pulled my legs against my chest. “Of course I want to get better,” I whispered weakly. “It would be so nice to wake up and have a normal life, but I can’t even give you an example of a normal life right now. I don’t know what to do.” I found myself sobbing as my stomach twisted in knots. “I don’t think normal people are supposed to feel this way!” My mind swirled viciously around itself like a storm tossing brewing in the middle of the ocean. “I find myself torn between what I want for myself and what everyone else wants from me.” 

I blew out a deep breath, but it did little to calm my breathing. “I’ll never be what my mother wants me to be, and I don’t think I’ll ever be as perfect as I want to be, so what’s the point? What is the point if I can never reach the point that everyone wants me to be at?” 

Perfection was something I strived for, and in my head, my twisted idea of perfection was a walking skeleton that resembled that of a Holocaust victim. I was no where near delusional enough to believe that I could have my idea of perfection without suffering the consequences of an ailing, depleting body, but at the same time, I would never be able to reach the perfection my mother wanted out of me.

No matter how hard I tried, I would never be the perfectly, healthy, fully-functioning-in-society like the people here wanted me to be, and I would damn sure never be the bible humping straight boy my mother wanted me to be.

Exasperated, I rested my head against my knees and focused on slowing my breathing. The last thing I needed right now was to slip into a full blown panic attack. That really wouldn’t help me keep my food down.

“Max,” Dawn began gently, “you have to dig deep through what everyone else around you wants you to be to find what you want from yourself. There is a healthy medium hidden in the midst of the haystack, and I would be a bold-faced liar if I told you that you wouldn’t get a few splinters and cuts on your journey.”

I lifted my face and found Dawn smiling across the sterile white room. 

“You just have to push past it, and when you feel like you can’t go on, tell yourself that you’re fighting for you and you alone because there will be a time where you truly think that you won’t be able to take another step. You’re going to want to curl up into a ball and give up, but don’t stop fighting because from this day on, you’ll be fighting for every single day of your life.” She made a few notes in her notebook and smiled warmly once more. “Make it worth it.”

Blinking, I noticed that my tears dried. I didn’t feel particularly inspired; my body and mind were in too much turmoil to process much more than the simplest of emotions. However, I did feel somewhat reassured about my stay in the skinny boy house. I knew that it was going to be tough, but at least I knew I had both Terry and Dawn rooting for me. 

Dawn’s words did managed to win me over, causing me to decide right then and there that I could trust the counselor with all my deep dark secrets. I had to admit that having an adult or two around that I could actually talk to sounded rather pleasant. 

Even I knew that holding all my emotions back acted like a poison, slowly seeping through my system, spreading like a virus until it furthered the decay of my already weakened body. 

“Thank you for opening up, Max. I think that’s a good place to stop. We’ll delve a little deeper in our next session.” Dawn closed her notebook and stepped in front of me. She offered me a hand.

Without hesitation, I took it, allowing her to pull me to my feet effortlessly. “Thank you, Dawn.” For the second time, I felt like my words were lack luster and didn’t properly convey my feelings. As I stood in silence, it became evident that nothing else came into mind. I offered her a small smile.

“Thank you, Max. On your way out, will you tell Mr. Dickson to send in Rich next?”

I nodded and pulled away from her touch. As I walked, my knees popped painfully in resistance. Sighing, I did my best not to acknowledge the slight pain that itched up my legs with each step.

When I reached the door, I lifted my hand to the knob just as the door pulled open, causing me to lunge forward slightly. “Are you ready, Max?”

“Jesus,” I muttered under my breath as I simultaneously nodded my head. “Dawn wants to see Rich next.” Something in my voice seemed exhausted. My words came out as nothing more than a hushed whisper.

Terry sighed heavily as he led me upstairs. 

Heaven forbid if I were allowed to walk to my room alone.

“She probably wants to talk to him about his behavior at breakfast,” Terry stated more to himself than to me. With one last sigh, he shook his head and ran his fingers through his mahogany hair. “How was your first therapy session?” He asked, changing the subject. Terry glanced over his shoulder at me as we reached the top of the stairs.

Shrugging, I let my shoulders slump. Truly, I felt exhausted, like I ran a whole marathon then ate everyone in sight for breakfast. 

“That bad?” He crossed his arms against his chest as he leaned against the wall.

I shook my head as my knees began to shake. Feeling my palms begin to sweat, I cleared my throat as my stomach lurched. “I think I’m going to lay down.”

Terry furrowed his brow as if he were concerned. “I’ll tell them downstairs that you’re not feeling well since this is your first therapy session, but know they expect you to have a few minute breather in your room after each session then to return back downstairs for your studies.” He eyed me for a moment longer. “You do realize that I’m putting my full trust in you, right?” 

I raised my brow questioningly.

“Not that I’m accusing you of anything, but if you were to have some sort of accident when you were supposed to be supervised, it would come down not only on you but also on me.” His eyes turned serious. “Can I trust you?”

Blinking a few times, I slowly caught onto what the kind security guard was hinting at. If I were to purge or something, he would also get in trouble. Something about that made my insides knot even farther. 

My actions never seemed to affect anyone else around me; however, having them tied to another living soul felt completely out of whack. I didn’t want anyone else to suffer because of my decisions; that felt horribly unfair.

Terry wasn’t the one utterly screwed in the head.

Solidifying my will, I nodded as confidently as I could. “Thank you,” I breathed gently.

The guard cracked a slight smile, erasing the seriousness from his kind eyes. “You’re going to do just fine here.”

I did my best to smile one last time before I turned around and crawled into my messy bed. It wasn’t until after I toned out the rest of the world and focused on my breathing that I realized exactly what had just happened between Terry and me. 

Smiling genuinely at how much trust he put in me, I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. 

No one had ever put that much faith in me before. Terry could have been putting his job on the line for me.

I came to the conclusion that he must really actually believe in me.

Time seemed to move far too quickly, and before I knew it, I heard the floor boards creak in protest as the remaining skinny boys walked into my room. 

“What makes you so damn special?” Rich snapped far too quickly. “Why did you get to skip classes today?” He went on as I sat up and before I could reply. “That’s not fuckin’ fair!”

Geoffrey plopped down on my bed beside me as he ran his fingers through his porcelain hair. “Calm your boobies, Rich.” Despite the model’s behavior during breakfast, his voice was back to its usual boring tone. It seemed as if he were absolutely bored with every conversation ever.

Rich stood on his tiptoes in front of Geoffrey as if to shout down at him; however, the model still sat a good inch or two over Rich. “Don’t you tell me what to do!”

Geoffrey simply rolled his eyes and went back to running his fingers through his hair.

“So,” Steven began hesitantly,  “why did you miss classes?” He sat on the bed beside me.

As I sat up, pressing my back against the headboard, I opened my mouth to speak, but of course, Rich began before I could even think of the words I wanted to say.

“I’ll tell you what it is! This little boy here thinks that he’s better than the rest of us! All the adults here just drool over him because he’s new here and didn’t have nearly as much trouble as the rest of us with the first meal!” Rich made his way to my side of the bed. “Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re not better than me! I could eat all my food as easily as you if I wanted to! I enjoy making Ruth squirm! Do you understand me?” Rich’s words came out as a rush of air. When he was finished shouting, he turned on his heels and stormed out of my room just as quickly as he came in.

Sitting in complete astonishment, I blinked. 

“Don’t mind Rich,” began Steven. “He’s just jealous of how well you ate. The first time he had to eat here, he threw an absolute mess; he even fell to the floor kicking and screaming in utter hysterics. They basically had to hold him down and spoon feed him.” Steven’s words were so nonchalant and matter of fact. 

Geoffrey chuckled. “I do have to admit how pleasant it is seeing little Rich in a complete tizzy.” Geoffrey’s voice was deep and smooth, and for once, it sounded like he actually wasn’t bored to tears. “He’ll get over it. I am curious to why you got to miss class though. What’s up with that?”

I glanced between the two remaining boys. They each seemed to be genuinely interested in what I had to say, so I cleared my throat and decided to let them know exactly how I felt. “I just felt so overwhelmed, guys. Today has been too much, and after therapy, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else than just stare at the ceiling. I just needed a break.” I could feel tears welling behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

No more crying.

Geoffrey stood up and laughed. With his deep voice, he sounded almost villainous. “You were feeling that overwhelmed? The day is still early; how in the hell do you think you’re going to make it the rest of the day? That was just breakfast and morning therapy. You still have two meals and a group session. What are you doing to do then? I seriously doubt you’ll be able to curl up in your room alone after every meal.” Despite his words, Geoffrey didn’t sound hateful like Rich. He sounded like he cared.

In a really messed up way that I didn’t quite understand, but it still sounded like he cared.

“I…I don’t know,” I stuttered dumbly. Truthfully, I didn’t have the slightest damn idea how I was going to make it if I were already having this much trouble.

Geoffrey smiled wickedly. “You better figure it out, or you’ll lose yourself.” With that, he practically runway-pranced from my room.

After a long moment of silence (I imagined that it was due to Rich’s wild behavior and Geoffrey’s general fierceness.), Steven chuckled lightly. “We’re such a weird group of boys.”

I nodded in agreement. “You’re telling me; I don’t think I’ve met a group of guys as…” my voice trailed off as I tried to find the right word, “eclectic as the four of us.”

We shared a laugh as Steven lied back beside me, resting his head on my pillow. Rolling to his side, he stared into my eyes. The sudden seriousness hardened his pale blue eyes. “Don’t think you’re the only one here who has had a rough start. I’ve been here the longest, and I’ve seen where we all started out. It’s ok that you’re feeling overwhelmed because you’re probably going to feel like that for your entire stay. You just get used to it.”

I sighed deeply. “What if I don’t get used to it? What if I’m too messed up to be fixed?” My eyes watered at my own words. I didn’t want to admit to myself just how messed up I actually was.

Steven nudged me and smiled brightly; the hardness in his eyes faded. “Stop looking so sad all the time. You’ll make it; we all will. I just know it.”

His smile became contagious as my own lips pulled at their corners. “I wish I could be as positive as you.” It would have been nice to have a little positive influence coming from my being instead of the constant negativity that seemed to circle around me.

“It came with time,” Steven admitted. “I think I had the hardest time out of everyone here.” His smile faltered slightly. “I feel like a different person from where I began, and that’s a good thing. Every day was a struggle, a struggle just to get out of bed.” Steven’s smile faded completely as he continued. “You wouldn’t even recognize me if you saw me back then.” His voice cracked as he suddenly lifted his hand and without hesitation ran his thumb down my cheek. 

I winced but quickly fell still under his touch.

“I would hate for you to see me like how I was in the beginning; I feel like it would change your opinion of me.” Steven inched closer, hovering his lips over my own. 

My heart climbed into my throat as time seemed to slow. It felt as if everything around me came to a stop except for the ever increasing closeness from Steven. It felt like an eternity passed when his lips finally pressed against mine.

With his touch, time suddenly seemed to quicken, moving far too fast for me to recognize, and before I knew it, Steven pulled away. “I like you, Max.”

Blinking a few times, I felt my face burn. I had never shared a kiss with anyone before, and no one had ever told me that they liked me.

Two firsts in the same day.

“I hope that you like me too,” Steven mumbled self-consciously as hurt crept over his features.

I felt my stomach clinch at the sadness that seeped into his eyes. Sure, I liked Steven, but couldn’t I even process those feelings with everything else going on around me? “I like you too, Steven.” 

His eyes lit up as he stroked the side of my face once more. “Good.” His lips curled up brightly into a giant smile. 

“Called it!” Rich snapped from the doorway, causing Steven and me to both jump forward. 

Rich and Geoffrey were both standing in the doorway. Rich had a smug look plastered over his face, and Geoffrey’s dark brow was lifted while a smile pulled at one corner of his lips.

“You so owe me ten bucks,” Rich snapped to the model.

Geoffrey simply waved him away. “How about we settle on a cigarette, and I admit that you were right.”

Rich seemed to think this over as my face seemed to burn even brighter. As I lifted my sheets to my chin, Steven chuckled to himself. “Deal,” Rich agreed.

The two boys turned and disappeared beyond my door. “I think it’s time I start shutting my door,” I grumbled in complete embarrassment.

Steven wrapped an arm around my shoulders, effectively pulling me into him. I spent so much time pushing everyone away that for a moment, I became lost in his closeness. “You’ll get used to all of us as well.”

I cracked a small smile. “I sure as hell hope so.”

The day was still young after all.

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Sorry to keep you all waiting so long! I hope this chapter meets your expectations :D Don't forget to vote and comment down below!! 

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