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Chapter 6

Steven and I remained in my room for the longest time just laying in bed silently next to each other. The silence felt comforting; it helped calm my rushing mind and aching body. 

Steven suddenly ran his fingers through my buzzed hair. “Why do you keep your hair so short?”

Shrugging, I closed my eyes and inched closer to his touch. “It started to fall out and looked pretty bad, so I just grabbed a pair of scissors and hacked it all off.”

“Really?” He laughed as his fingers danced over my scalp. “I’ve never cut my own hair.”

I smiled, which slowly grew into a grin as I spoke. “Well, it looked absolutely horrible, and when my mom came home, she got so mad at me.”

“How mad?” Steven asked with his brow raised.

“Mad enough to go to Wal-mart and buy a pair of buzzers just to fix it.” I had no idea why that memory made me laugh as much as it did, but I couldn’t contain my chuckles. 

The ironic part of it all was the fact that at the time, it was the farthest away from being funny. I could still picture that day so vividly.

I stood alone in the bathroom. I still had to go to school in those days, and it had been a particularly stressful day filled with tests that I didn’t study for and people that I hated being around. 

My stomach howled at me painfully as I stared at my sunken features in the mirrors reflection. Blowing out a breath, I leaned down, turned the tap on, and splashed water onto my face. I took a moment to sip from the stream before straightening my back and running my damp fingers through my hair. 

I used to keep my blonde hair nearly shoulder length and wavy. Somehow, having voluminous hair made me feel better about having such a… frail appearance. I always received compliments about my hair even when I was a child. Everyone told me how they wished their hair was my shade or how they wished their hair wasn’t flat. 

My hair was my pride and joy. 

In reality, my hair was the only thing I truly liked about myself.

With that being said, to my surprise, horror, when I ran my fingers through my hair, large clumps of hair came with it. I held my breath as I stared down at my now shaking hands. My heart seemed to climb into my throat as I rubbed my hands under the running water. 

Horrified, I ran my hands through my hair once more. This time, even more hair came out.

Tears formed in my eyes as I sobbed, pulling at my hair, which continued to come out effortlessly.

In that moment, I hated myself more than ever before; I felt disgusting; I felt like an ugly monster.

Without thinking, I reached into the cabinet under the sink and withdrew a shiny pair of sheers. With my fingers in place, I began haphazardly hacking at my hair. Blond strands fell like snow around my frame in the bathroom.

With each snip, I felt just slightly better. In my mind, if no one knew that my hair had begun to fall out, they wouldn’t think I was a hideous monster. When I was finished, I may have felt better that no one would know about my hair problem, but I looked at myself with widening eyes.

There were tuffs of hair all over my head in various lengths. I looked like someone who escaped from a mental institute. My eyes were red and puffy which somehow made the greens of my irises glow brightly. 

I looked utterly ridiculous.

Collapsing on the floor, I pulled my knees against my chest and wept for what felt like both forever and not long enough. After an eternity and a simple blink of an eye, my mother stormed in and gasped as if she just saw a ghost.

Yanking me from the floor, she looked me over with eyes so grotesquely wide. “What have you done?” She gasped. “How am I going to leave with you in public? How are you going to go to school like this?”

My voice caught in my throat leaving me unable to speak.

She shook me effortlessly. “Why do I always have to fix everything!?” My mother released me suddenly, almost causing me to fall over my own two feet.

She left that moment and returned some time later with an electric hair buzzer. I remained like a stone as she shaved my head nearly to my scalp. When she was done, I stared at my reflection, at the new me.

The new me who was unfit for love; the new me who truly was a hideous monster.

“I would have liked to see that whole thing play out,” Steven admitted with a giggle.

Shrugging, I nuzzled closer to the boy beside me. “I don’t know about that. My mother might have tried to fry the bible up for you then shove it down your throat.”

This time, Steven shrugged. “That’s fine by me. Religion doesn’t bother me; I actually find it kinda interesting.”

Lifting my brow, I eyed him. “What do you believe in?”

With a light sigh, Steven rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. “To be honest, I can’t bring myself to believe in anything I’ve been taught about religion. I don’t like the idea of the Christian God,” he paused as if to gather his thoughts, “he’s too eager to send floods.”

I giggled at that.

“I do think there is something out there though. The universe is too vast to believe that we’re the only things living. I’m not quite sure if there are gods floating around out there or aliens, but I’m sure there is something.” Steven sounded so sure of himself as he finished, and I caught myself smiling at him. “What do you believe in?”

Opening my mouth, I immediately mentally went to my mother’s god; however, I stopped short. “I don’t know what to believe in,” I answered honestly. I knew with certainty that I didn’t believe in what my mother believed in. 

How could I?

In my mother’s beliefs, I was a mistake; something inside me was wrong, and the thing that was wrong inside me would send me to hell, where I would burn for the rest of eternity.

That didn’t sound all that pleasant to me.

“I think I’m just going to believe in nothing.” 

Steven smiled as he leaned closer, kissing my forehead. “That works too.”

I couldn’t believe that he and I just talked about religion without fighting or yelling. Could everything be this easy? 

Terry tapped on the doorframe. “It’s lunchtime, guys.”

Spoke too soon, whispered my mind.

“Already?” I asked, trying to sound less horrified; however, I failed miserably.

Terry’s eyes darted between Steven and me before he smiled. “Unfortunately, yes. Come along, you two. I can’t have you late. Something tells me Ruth wouldn’t like that whether you have a good excuse or not.” With that, Terry winked.

Steven giggled as he pulled me from the bed. “Aye, Aye, Captain.”

I face-palmed as I walked passed the security guard, and it did little more than intensify the fire burning across my cheeks. All my subconscious had to offer was a measly, Not Terry too.

When we joined the two other boys, they also shared a giggle. Of course, Rich remained the most vocal, even adding kissing noises as we descended down the stairs. I would have probably cared more and even let the stupid boys around me and less-than-mature guard bother me; however, as we grew closer to the kitchen the heavy aroma of prepared food took over my mind. 

Having already eaten more in one sitting than I would normally eat in a week, I felt my blood run cold as we were all ushered into the kitchen. Immediately, Ruth emerged seemingly out of thin air. “Steven, will you be eating with the boys or on your own?”

Steven shrugged at her. “I think I’ll stay with them again.”

She nodded as we all made our way to our seats for the second time today. Ruth glided through the kitchen and began working with the dead-eyed kitchen woman. Together, they made four plates and sat them in front of us all too quickly. 

Each of the boys seemed to become stone-faced as they stared down at their food. I felt my own face freeze between silent horror and completely emotionless as I eyed my own plate of food. 

Thankfully, lunch was considerably lighter than breakfast. There was a large scoop of what appeared to be potato salad, two dinner rolls, and sliced carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, and cauliflower. However light lunch may have seemed, it didn’t stop my brain from automatically attempting to calculate my calorie intake.

Picking up a dinner roll and keeping my eyes down, I chewed on the corner to establish what it was made out of. It tasted dense and rich, so I came to the conclusion that the roll was whole-wheat. I didn’t know exactly, but I put the calories in each at one hundred each; that put the rolls at two-hundred calories.

There was a nice mix of vegetables, so I estimated about thirty calories for the carrots, ten for the cucumber since it still had its skin, thirty for the broccoli, and twenty-five for the cauliflower. That put the raw vegetables at a safe ninety-five calories total.

Two-hundred ninety-five calories wasn’t a big deal at all compared to breakfast this morning; however, I knew the majority of the calories in this meal were tucked away in the potato salad; however, I couldn’t deduce with enough certainty just how many were exactly in it.

I had never made it before, and that scared the living hell out of me. As I continued to nibble through the roll, I found myself doing my best to pick apart the salad without drawing attention to the adults. With a fork, I began to move the food around, separating each individual part to the best of my ability.

I noticed bits of onion, what looked like fresh herbs, potatoes, of course, lettuce, spinach, bits of fresh tomato, more cucumber, and diced red peppers. Just as the calorie rolodex began to turn in my mind, Ruth’s voice snapped me back into reality.

“We don’t play with our food here!” She boomed from beside me.

I lifted my head to find all the boys staring at me; I didn’t even notice that Steven had his hand on my knee. “Oh… I… I… I’m sorry,” I stuttered, instantly blushing with everyone’s attention on me.

Ruth nodded but didn’t take her eyes off me. I shifted my gaze to Steven who eyed me suspiciously. Despite this, he squeezed my knee and offered me a small smile. Quickly, he went back to shoveling his food. 

Blowing out a short breath, I met the eyes of both Rich and Geoffrey. Geoffrey offered me a sympathetic node as he went back to nibbling his food delicately. The model seemed to have a pained look pulling on his face. That was when I noticed that he wasn’t bouncing his leg.

It looked as if it nearly physically pained Geoffrey not to bounce his leg.

Rich, on the other hand, glared at me with challenging eyes as he did little more than move his food around on his plate. When he reached the potato salad, he winked all knowingly and held up four fingers, then five, and then finished by making a zero with his same hand.

I stared blankly at him for the longest moment, but then realization hit me like a baseball bat to the teeth. Rich was telling me how many calories were in the small serving of potato salad.

I wasn’t quite sure what emotion painted over my features; however, whatever emotion did grow was more than Rich needed to grin wickedly.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and focused solely on eating. Soon, everything around me faded, even Steven’s constant touch on my knee. I became the only thing in my mind.

My entire being focused on the task at hand. With each bite, I distanced myself farther until it felt like I were floating above my own consciousness. It nearly felt like I was existing outside of my own body, like a passing dream.

More like a living nightmare.

Time seemed to move both slowly and quickly as I shoveled my food. It felt like an eternity and just a brief second when I cleared my plate and chased away the poison with a tall glass of sickeningly sweet almond milk. Slowly, I became attuned into reality and to Steven’s ever present grip on my knee.

Rich stared emotionlessly at me from across the table when I glanced up. Something else flashed over his hollow features; however, he wiped the emotion away effortlessly and went back to quietly moving his food around on his plate. Geoffrey remained in his same state as well; he nibbled on his roll, chewing meticulously and without lifting his eyes.

Steven’s grip on my knee tightened slightly, causing me to turn my attention to him. When I met his pale eyes, he eyed me with a worried expression lingering on his features; however, he offered me a small smile which automatically brightened his eyes. “You ok?” He mouthed silently.

No.

No. No. No. No. No. My subconscious seemed to scream inside my head almost to the point of deafening all my other thoughts.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile; instead, I chose to nod silently and place my hand over his. Our fingers interlocked as he offered me one last smile before he went back to clearing his plate. 

That was when I realized I finished my food first.

It took Rich an Geoffrey nearly an hour to finish their food. Geoffrey finally broke down and seemed to inhale his food without even chewing. When he was finished, he folded his arms across his lap delicately and reclined with his eyes closed. It seemed as if he were trying to appear serene, at ease, yet the slight pained look that draped over his face gave him away. 

Rich, on the other hand, did little more than continue to move small pieces of food from one side of his plate to the other. Ruth had to threaten Rich with holding him down and feed him herself; however, that did little more than make Rich move slower.

Then, Ruth said something that caught his attention entirely.

“If you don’t start putting forth some effort, I’ll have no choice but to put your feeding tube back in.” Ruth’s voice was stern and unwavering. The mention of a feeding tube seemed to not only grab Rich’s attention, but it also caused Geoffrey to perk up. They both had a look of muted horror on their faces.

“You said you would never do that to me again,” Rich nearly begged. He suddenly sounded like a wounded child. It was hard for me to picture him as anything different from the loud mouth, moderately hateful kid in front of me. To my surprise, Rich’s entire demeanor changed.

His shoulders drooped in total loss, and he truly looked like a kid who just got grounded and cared that he got in trouble. 

The change was so sudden that I found myself staring wide-eyed at the changed boy in front of me. He no longer seemed so strong; he looked utterly defeated.

Ruth ran a hand down her face tiredly. “I don’t want to have to do that to you, Richard, but we have to get you healthy, and we’ll use any means necessary.”

Though her words were meant to be somewhat encouraging, an ominous feeling seemed to loom over the kitchen. None of the boys spoke as Rich forced his food down slowly.

It donned on me that no matter the delusions the adults around here allowed us to hold, we truly had no power over our own bodies anymore. If we messed up too much, they would just shove a tube into our stomachs, literally oozing food into our systems.

I pictured a skeletal Rich in a hospital bed, probably strapped down to prevent him from clawing out the feeding tube, struggling against his restraints but eventually giving up after he realized he already lost.

Blowing out a breath, I felt Rich’s pain whether or not I wanted to. A part of me, a larger part than I would have liked to admit, wanted to jump up and down at Rich’s pain, but I found myself sympathizing with him instead. There was no nice way to accept that you were completely powerless over something we all controlled so tightly.

Completely powerless.

My stomach dropped, and I had to swallow a few hard times to keep the contents of my bloated stomach from exploding everywhere. The Skinny Boy House was a prison. Our parents plucked us from our lives and traded them in for shackles attached to a kitchen table piled high with food none of us wanted. This was now my life.

This was now my entire existence. 

When the boys finally finished eating, the moody, never-speaking kitchen lady cleared the table as Terry waited patiently as we gathered ourselves together. As I stood, I noticed that it felt like each of the boys picked up the shattered pieces of their lives and tried to hold them together. 

Some of us didn’t have enough hands to hold all the pieces together, and as the kind guard led us away, a few pieces of the boys remained, only to get swept away by the stone-faced kitchen lady.

I wondered silently just how much of myself I left behind in that kitchen.

Our short distance to Dawn’s office felt even longer, and all the boys were unusually quit. Rich even managed to go a whole thirty seconds without some sarcastic comment. Dawn stood at the door with her usual optimistic smile. She was clad in her usual attire consisting of a black pantsuit with her signature red acrylic nails, heels, and thick framed glasses. Her blowing blonde hair was kept in its immaculate bun.

She greeted each of us as we filed into the sterile room, and as I walked past Terry, he lightly placed his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t have enough time to glace up at him before Dawn spoke my name. 

“Hello, Max.”

I nodded silently as she shut the door behind me. 

Dawn began without hesitation. “How’re we all feeling today?”

I couldn’t help but smile ever so slightly at just how quiet everyone remained. It felt like one of those moments I read about or watched in movies where a lone cricket would sing it’s sad song. We all shared glances; however, no one spoke.

Dawn’s gaze traveled over each of us, but she seemed to linger on Rich the longest. “You seem a little under the weather today, Rich. What’s going through your mind?” She always sounded so interested.

Rich blinked a few times, shook his head slightly, and then slapped his wicked grin onto his face. “Dawn, darling, you know I don’t contribute to these little gathering. I’ve got better things to do with my free time.” 

Well, Rich seemed back to normal.

She ignored him and went on. “Let’s just go down the line and express how we’re all feeling, ok?” Her eyes skimmed over us all once more, and she lingered on Rich once more. “You first, Rich.”

Rich opened his mouth to seemingly protest, but he simply blew out a breath and swallowed hard. It took him far too long to speak. Usually, Rich was the first to tell everyone just how he felt. “Ruth brought up the feeding tube again.” Though his words were simple, a weight seemed to fall off his shoulders when he closed the sentence.

Dawn perked up at that. “You know that is a last resort, right, Rich? You were only put in that situation because of your refusal to eat. As long as you try your best to follow the rules, you won’t have anything to worry about.” She smiled, and then let her wyes flow onto the rest of us. “That goes for all of you. Everyone here cares about you, but they will take things into their own hands if need be.”

The boys fell silent once again. That is, everyone except for Rich fell silent. “Who is to say that this isn’t my best!” He exploded. “This is my best! I don’t have anything else to offer!”

Dawn sat silently. She remained calm and collected, but I had to admit that it was a little different seeing her speechless. 

“What if this is all our bests? What if this is the best any of us have to offer?” Tears welled in Rich’s eyes as sat on the edge of his seat as if at any moment, he would leap into the air.

“Calm down,” Geoffrey mumbled. “We don’t all think that way, and shouting just to make your point doesn’t make you right.”

Rich blinked at Geoffrey for a long moment and sat back in his chair. “Like hell it doesn’t,” he began calmly. “This is the best I have to give,” he stated matter-of-factly.”

“Do you truly see it that way?” Dawn asked intrigued.

Rich nodded slowly as he regained his grip on himself. “My life before anorexia was boring and pointless. This is who I am; this defines me. My parents had little to no interest in me, and not eating made them pay attention to me; it gave me power. It gave me control.”

Dawn nodded as if she understood. “Is that how you all feel? Did your control over eating give you some sort of control over your life?” She paused to let her words sink in. “What about you Geoffrey? How was your life before?”

Geoffrey sighed dramatically. “Life was good for me. I got lucky and got signed to a modeling agency early on. I got to see the world and have my picture taken in some of the most exotic places. I couldn’t have asked for more.” His voice trailed off as he sighed once more. This time, it seemed genuine. “I just couldn’t keep up. In two years, I managed to flip flop from one weight to another. During the summer, they wanted buff masculine men for their swimsuit ads, and in the fall and winter, they wanted frail, haunted men for their thick winter clothes.” Geoffrey began to gnaw on his fingernails. “I guess I stopped eating to make the transition easier.”

Dawn scribbled in her notebook. “So two out of four of you admit that it began as some sort of control. Is that how it began for you Steven?”

Steven sat up at the mention of his name. 

“How was your life before your battle began?” Dawn prodded. 

“I come from a happy family,” Steven began hesitantly. “I have great parents, and I have… had great friends. I lived a normal life.”

“Mister perfect,” grumbled Rich.

Geoffrey elbowed him, causing him to scowl dangerously. 

I began mentally preparing myself for a cat fight.

“Boys,” Dawn said sternly.

Steven sighed. “I had everything going for me, but I was never enough on my own; I always felt like something was missing, so I started dating. At first everything was normal until I began to notice that I seemed to attract the most horrible guys. I never seemed to be able to find someone nice.” Steven began to fidget uncomfortably as he ran his fingers through his wild hair. “It was only a matter of time before I found one that was truly horrible.” He crossed his arms against his chest. “I stayed with him a year, and that was all it took to send me down the road I’m currently on.”

His words felt vague, and I itched to know more, but I sat silently as Dawn scribbled quickly. “You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to, Steven.”

Steven nodded and sunk deeply in his seat. He briefly met my eyes before becoming stone faced and silent. 

I didn’t have nearly enough time to process any of the information thrown at me before Dawn turned her red-framed eyes my way. “You’ve been quiet today, Max. How’re you feeling?”

The other boys turned their attention to me and suddenly I felt like I was under a large microscope focused on all my flaws. I sank deeper into my chair and hugged my knees to my chest. “I’m fine,” I lied.

“Is there anything you want to add to the discussion? How did your struggle begin?” Dawn offered me a small, reassuring smile 

Chewing on my bottom lip, I avoided the gaze of my fellow skinny boys. This day felt like the longest day in my entire life. All I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and sleep everything away. There was way too much to process around me. I couldn’t even begin to think about Rich, Steven, or Geoffrey. I was too preoccupied trying to hold myself together before I fractured into a thousand pieces and ended up in some loony bin.

Now, I was expected to put all my worries and pains aside and talk about when I first slipped into this life. It was all too much.

Way too much.

I resisted the temptation to blow up like a nuclear bomb, and instead decided to just take a deep breath and suck it the hell up. “I’m tired,” I answered honestly. “This is a lot to take in.”

Rich rolled his eyes and sank in his chair as if what I had to say just wasn’t good enough for him to hear.

Dawn tapped her pin on her chin absentmindedly. “That’s perfectly understandable, Max. Your adjustment isn’t going to happen over night.”

I opened my mouth to say that I didn’t think I would ever fully adjust to this place; however, the mound of food in my gut seemed to sap away the remainder of my strength.

Feeling exhausted, I just nodded and went on. “I remember the first day that I stopped eating.” As I spoke the image of that day burned brightly behind my eyes. “My mother started making me read the bible out loud for an hour before she would let me eat once she found out I was having ‘impure thoughts’,” I air quoted the last two words and spat them out like venom, “about this guy in school.”

I left out that my mother found out about my little crush on Brandon, the lead in my school’s last play of the season, by digging through my journal when I was taking a shower one day. I also chose to leave out the fact that my mother would smack a yardstick over my knuckles if I stuttered over my words.

“I put up with it for weeks,” I rubbed my knuckles out of habit; The bruises hidden under the skin still ached, “and when I finally broke down, I refused.” I lowered my eyes and smiled cruelly. “She sent me to bed without my dinner, and for the first time, I won a fight with my mother.”

I finally glanced up and met my therapist’s gaze. “Winning was wonderful. I finally held my own life in my hands, and I loved every single second of it.”

When I fell silent as did every other person in the room. Dawn blinked a few times before speaking. When the words left her mouth, I noticed that her tone changed ever so slightly in a way that I couldn’t quite understand. “Thank you for letting us in, Max. In order for everyone to help each other, we must all let each other in and try our very best to understand just how differently the same disease affects others around you. Once we understand others, we can internalize our understandings into ourselves, giving us what we need to win our own fight.”

Rich clapped his hands slowly, echoing like a bolt of lightening through the now apparent silence. “Whoopty. Fucking. Do.”

I laughed so loudly at just how perfected those three words summed up my entire existence at that exact moment. Sometimes, I admitted to myself, Rich had the right idea about everything. Though, I’d never tell him that. Something just told me his big, giant ego couldn’t handle any more hot air. 

At that moment, anything anyone thought meant little more than a big fat can of whoopty do. All I wanted was for this day to be over.

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Hey, Hi, Hello, guys and gals!

It's been ABSOLUTELY forever since I've been able to put out new content! Well, I'm here to say that I'm officially back from my forced hiatus. 

My laptop is back and functioning enough for me to write (:

I'm so excited!

If you need a refresher, visit the past chapters to refamiliarize yourself to the story. Please don't forget to vote and leave me a comment below. One of you, is going to be the first person I've dedicated a chapter to in almost 5 months! :D:D

Thank you all so much for your support. 

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