Array
(
[text] =>

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains sensitive subjects and very explicit content about depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm. Please keep in mind that this story is fiction. Read at your own risk, because this oneshot could really be a trigger. If you're struggling with any of these subjects or if you have any questions about it, please don't ever be afraid to talk to me. Things will get better, even if feeling okay seems really fucking far away.

Story plot: Yeosang is not okay but how are you suppose to tell such a thing when you debuted and everything in your life seems to be going beyond perfect. During the day, Yeosang is capable of putting on a happy show for everyone and they all seem to buy it. At night though, Yeosang is fighting a battle. A battle with his own mind. Voices that keep repeating the same words over and over again, are driving him insane. But there is help and there is someone who cares; Hongjoong.

The past two months have been something that can only be described as hell to Yeosang. Somehow after they debuted everything just went downhill for him. While all the other members seemed to be climbing a wonderful mountain, Yeosang felt like he was left behind at the bottom. He could see how much they enjoyed this. The wonderful feeling of actually debuting on a stage. Yeosang didn't feel wonderful, he felt awful and he didn't understand why.

It felt like he was there but he wasn't at the same time. He's always been a very reserved guy, so nobody seems to notice how his mind is starting to play more and more tricks on him.

It seemed like the whole debut triggered something inside in his mind. For about an hour he was happy and it all seemed like a dream coming true, but that feeling quickly passed and turned into a feeling of sadness and anxiety.

It happened. We debuted. This is going to be my life from now on. But is this what I want? Does this make me happy? Will all the hard work be enough to rise to the stop. He didn't have much time to think about it all because Wooyoung was being all hyped and excited about them debuting together. One of the many promises they made when they were only trainees. So he went along with it and pretended to be just as happy as his best friend.

As their Expedition Tour starts, Yeosang is feeling miserable. Why does everyone want to go see the world? What's so beautiful about this all? I really don't want to go outside today, I just want to stay in my room and cuddle up in bed. Everyone seems so happy about this all, why can't I be happy. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

They have a night off and Yeosang is staying in his room while the others went out for dinner. He told them he wasn't hungry, which wasn't really a lie. He wasn't hungry, but he never really is anymore. It's as if eating isn't interesting enough. He honestly doesn't really care about anything at this point anymore. As long as he doesn't understand why he's feeling this way, he's not going to bother anyone with it. 

I can't even explain myself. How could I expect them to understand when I don't even fucking understand myself anymore at this point.

The sadness he felt the past 2 months made room for a different feeling, if you can even call it a feeling. Yeosang can only describe it as numb. It's a weird sensation. He doesn't feel the sadness all day long anymore, only at night, but he doesn't feel okay either. It's some weird thin line between going insane and feeling sane.

He's staring outside his bedroom window. The sky is dark, which is somehow quite comforting. He is dark. He feels dark. It's nice when it's dark outside.

But he found his escape. Something that makes him feel. It's his secret and no one may know about it. They'll probably think he's insane and that he should get locked up. No one would understand.

He sits up taking the small grey bag from his nightstand and unzips it. Inside the bag is a sharp knife. His escape to make him feel again.

He presses the blade against his left arm dragging the knife across it, tearing his skin apart. He bites down on his lip and repeats it. Over and over again until he's made about ten fresh cuts. He watches the blood form and slide down his arm. He feels. He finally feels something again. He closes his eyes and breaths.

Look at yourself. Dragging a fucking blade across your arm. You're worthless. Is this all you can do? These cuts aren't going to end you Yeosang. You want to die. Yeah, I want to die.

He hears familiar voices out on the hallway. Shit. They're coming back from dinner. He quickly wraps a bandage around his arm, putting the stuff away in the bag and places it back in his nightstand. The voices are coming closer to his room and he lays down pretending to be asleep. Hongjoong walks into the room "Sangie are you awake?" Yeosang shuts his eyes tightly, his arm is burning. Hongjoong undresses and slips into his pyjamas and gets into the bed, careful not to wake up his boyfriend. He leans over placing a soft kiss on Yeosangs cheek "Sleep well baby."

The tour has finally come to an end and Yeosang is exhausted. Mentally and physically drained. Everyone has gotten a little worried about him by now. The happy face he forced himself to put on was fading away. He was pushing everyone away, Seonghwa, Yunho, Jongho, San, Mingi, his best friend Wooyoung and his boyfriend Hongjoong.

They all pretend to care but you know damn well they don't you piece of shit.

It's late at night and Yeosangs thoughts are killing him inside. It's like a never ending battle with himself. He can pull through the busy days because it gives him a slight bit of distraction. But at night it's quiet. Hongjoong spends a lot of time in the studio, giving Yeosangs mind all the room it needs to go into overdrive. He wishes his boyfriend was with him more often so he wouldn't be thinking and doing the things he does. Hongjoong isn't the one to blame though. He's the leader and Yeosang knows he needs to work hard. Since Hongjoong doesn't even know about his problems, there isn't much Yeosang can do at this point, besides one thing.

"Yeosangie is everything alright?" Hongjoong asks as he slips into his pyjama after finishing a shower breaking Yeosangs thoughts. "Yeah I'm just really tired from the tour and promotions and everything. Why?" He may not know. Don't you dare try to seek comfort and pity. You're the problem here. "I don't know you just seem very distant to all of us.. You don't come to dinner with us unless I drag you with me. Your eyes don't sparkle the way they did when we first met. I'm just worried about you." "I'm fine Joongie. I'm just really tired from the debut, promotions and the tour and everything that's all." Hongjoong bites down on his lip. He doesn't trust the story but he also doesn't want to push his boyfriend "I just want you to know you can always come to me or anyone else to talk to if you're not doing okay." "Yeah thanks babe."

Hongjoong slides down in the bed and wraps his arms around his boyfriend placing light kisses on his neck. This used to make Yeosang feel all kinds of ways, but now he's feeling nothing. He wants to feel again but he can't now Hongjoong is around and he feels the frustration building up inside his body.

Grab that knife and drag it across your skin. You know how good that feels. Watching your skin tear apart and slowly start to bleed. I know you miss it. You miss the cold blade on your hot skin don't you? 

Yeosang shuts his eyes tightly trying to quiet down this dark voice that's inside his head. "Goodnight Joongie" "Goodnight Sangie" Hongjoong says kissing Yeosangs head while wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

Yeosang barely got any sleep that night. The battle with his mind kept going on for hours and he couldn't shut that voice off. He's lying awake as he feels Hongjoong move, a sign that he's awake as well.

I really want to die. It was about time that you killed yourself, nobody wants you here. I know, I'm ready. You shouldn't have done this tour you fuck up. You're the worst member. They won't miss you and you fucking know it. I know, I'm going to end it.

As they all had breakfast together Yeosang is trying to keep his sanity. Every noise, every voice, every laugh and word is triggering him. It's all too much and he feels like he can't go on like this any longer. "I'm going to finish up some work in the studio today" That's great. You and me will reunite Yeosang. "I think I'll clean up our room then" Yeosang says as he kisses his boyfriend.

All the members carry a worried expression, but no one says anything. See. They all notice but don't care enough to check. I knew I didn't belong in this group. I don't even belong in this world. I'm not meant to be here.

As Hongjoong leaves for the studio Yeosang locks the door and turns on some happy music, pretending to be cleaning up so no one will come to check on him. He quickly grabs the bag and unzips it, hands shaking and everything after that is a blur. He rolls up his sleeve and starts to attack his skin with his knife. It's like a blackout. He's lost count on how many cuts he has made. They're all over the place and start bleeding heavily. His entire forearm is covered in deep bleeding scars. 

There you go. I told you we'd reunite.

As Yeosang slowly starts to feel, he immediately starts to panic. He stares at his arm and rushes to the bathroom. What have I done?? His breathing is picking up speed. He rummages through the cabinets and grabs a new bandage wrapping it tightly around his arm. As he watches the clean white bandage slowly get covered in small red dots from the blood leaking through. Tears roll down his cheeks uncontrollably. He quickly dresses up. This isn't what I want. I just wanted to feel again. Fuck. He quickly makes his way out of his bedroom door. There is only one person he wants to turn to now.

He walks past all the other members who are shouting his name but it's all a blur. He doesn't respond but just runs towards the studio. He runs to the recording studio where Hongjoong always works on his music. He bangs on the door. "Hongjoong help me! Please! Help!" He shouts and starts to cry. I don't want to die!

He's shaking as the door opens and he looks at his boyfriend. "Yeosang what's wrong?" Hongjoong asks wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend taking him inside because no one will be able to hear them. "Sangie talk to me baby. I can't help you if you don't talk to me.." Hongjoong sits down on the couch holding his boyfriend on his lap. Yeosang is crying, unable to speak so instead of talking he just pulls up the sleeve, revealing the red bandage. Hongjoong forces himself to stay calm and not freak out right now.

"It's okay baby. Everything is going to be okay I promise." He grabs the first aid box that's on the wall nearby the door. "I'm going to take care of it baby don't look okay?" Yeosang shakes his head burrying his face in the crook of Hongjoongs neck. Hongjoong takes off the soaked bandage and feels the tears prickling in his eyes when he sees how Yeosangs forearm is completely covered in deep scars and bleeding cuts. He grabs small bandaids to pull the deep cuts together and eventually wraps up his arm with a new bandage.

Tears escape from his eyes as he speaks softly "Sangie.. How long has this been going on.. Why didn't you talk to me" "I- I don't know like 6 months or so. I didn't want to bother you or anyone. I'm a freak Hongjoong! I'm fucking insane a- and I don't want you guys to lock me up-" "Yeosang. You are not a freak okay. You're not insane and we would never ever lock you up" Yeosang looks up to look at his boyfriend and cups his face in his shaking hands. "I- I'm so sorry" "You have nothing to be sorry about Yeosangie. I'll help you through this okay, but you need to talk to me.. I can't help you if you don't talk to me." "I know but it's hard.. You weren't suppose to find out" Hongjoong leans in and places a firm but loving kiss on his boyfriends lips. "I don't care how difficult this is all going to be. I love you and I will do whatever it takes to make you feel better, I promise." Yeosang is speechless, but for Hongjoong his eyes speak more than words ever could. Yeosang whispers a soft "I love you too" before snuggling back into his boyfriends arms holding him tightly. The war isn't over yet, but it feels good to finally realize there is someone who cares and who will help him win this war.

A/N: I'm aware of the fact that everyone experience with anything depression-related is different. I don't want this oneshot to come across as if this is the only way to feel or act when you suffer from depression or anything like that. I never meant to offend anyone.

Please let me know in the comment section if you would like more oneshots like this or not at all. Also let me know if you would like me to write a part 2 on this one that will focus on Yeosangs recovery.

[text_hash] => 6162471e
)