Array
(
[text] =>

Christmas break was nothing but constant visits to Pierson's house, crashing in his spare room, dodging calls from Dakota, and pretending like my life wasn't over. When his mother was fast asleep, Pierson would text me if he needed me at all, I'd always ask for him to sleep in the bed with me.

We never did anything-if that's what you're thinking. He'd let me rest my head against his chest, relax myself with the rhythm of his heart beat and calm breaths. He'd sneak out of the room before his mom woke up for work. When she was gone, he'd sneak back in and we'd sleep in, talking softly until the afternoon.

Today was different though.

He hadn't returned back to the bed after his mother left. I stretched my limbs and didn't find him at my side. I heard voices downstairs. Letting out a long yawn, I slipped on sandals-the only shoes I'd brought with me to their house-and went down the stairs.

I made sure my hand was firmly on the railing when I saw who was at the front door, talking with Pierson.

"She doesn't want to see you. Now leave before I have to call the cops."

"Please let me speak to her. Please." Dakota begged. Dakota never begged. His hands were wrapped around a box. "I need just one minute-"

"I wouldn't even let you say a word to her." He cut him off. "Leave, Dakota. You've been stringing her along this entire time and fucking with her head when we both know you still love Carmen. The least she wants right now is your half-assed sorry."

"I wasn't cheating," he snapped. "You know none of that's true. That video is beyond fake."

Pierson shook his head. "She doesn't want to talk to you."

"I'll talk to him." I said, holding the railing harder when I said it.

Pierson turned around. "You don't need to talk to him."

"I know I don't need to do anything." I assured him, walking to the front door. "Go back upstairs. I'll be fine." I lied.

Simply seeing him, standing there on the front porch hurt me more than I thought it would. I swallowed the vial things I wanted to throw at him when I spotted him.

Dakota had dark circles under his red rimmed eyes. His shirt was half-tucked in, half-tucked out. There were light stains on his jeans. Everything about his appearance looked off. He was a mess. That oddly made me feel better.

Good, I thought. I hope he's gone through hell.

Pierson hesitated at the base of the stairs, but eventually went back upstairs. Dakota racked a hand through his greasy, unclean hair. I wondered when was the last time he wasted it.

His eyes scanned over my body. When they reach back up to my face, a pain expression shot into his eyes. "Silvia." He sighed. "I miss you so much. I haven't slept in what feels like days, I haven't been able to eat. My thoughts are completely off the rails."

" I don't care."

"I shouldn't have just broken it off."

"Once again, I-"

"Are you even listening to me at all?" He shook his head. "I didn't do any of that stuff you saw on the last day of school. You have to believe me, it was a set up."

"I don't have to believe you, Dakota. I don't have to do anything for you. I know what I saw. I know what I saw during that presentation. You've been stringing me along. You knew it would hurt me if I found out. Well, guess what? You've succeeded," my voice cracked. I couldn't hold myself together any more. A tear shed down my cheek. "Aren't you happy now?"

"God, no." He frowned, stepping forward to catch my falling tear, but I slapped his hand away.

"Don't you dare touch me. You've lost that right." I growled. "Why did you come here anyway?"

With a shaky hand, he handed me the beaten up brown box. I flipped open the top and found a set of cassette, each one with a different label. A vintage Walkman was tucked in the side with one tape already inside. Each cassette tape had my name written on it in his beautiful handwriting.

"I told you it took a lot longer than I thought it would to get you this gift. It's one of the three parts of your gift. I made this gift," he shook the box, "back in November."

"Is there another part?"

He nodded. "The third gift is at fifth and ninth street. If you want, I can drive you there."

"I'm not getting in your car."

There were too many memories in that car, trapped inside the leather seats and tented black windows. I had loved him in that car, our relationship had been sealed in there like a vault. There was no way I'd get back in there after everything that had happened.

"I understand." He said meekly and walked backward off the porch.

I shut the door and went to the living room, lifting the Walkman out. I pulled out the only empty cassette tape inside and a small note written quickly on a piece of paper.

My Doll,

A while ago, a much more awful version of me told you that I would never sing for you. I've evolved, believe it or not (with help from you). And I've taken the time to make a set of cassette tapes, written out to align with our roller coaster of a relationship.

I've a few original works that I personally added. At the base of this box you have, you'll find another one of my gifts to you.

I know I can't buy you a customized Claddagh ring, tickets to our favorite show, or a shiny new car, but that doesn't mean I love you any less. You don't understand how much it tears me apart inside that I can't spoil you like you damn deserve. I've given you all that I can, and even though you've never asked for more, I hate that I can't shower you.

Just wait. I'll get famous and make up for it all ;)

-Your Kota

Bringing up the first index for the cassette tape already in, I read it in a shaky, wobbly voice. I went through all of the index cards for each cassette tape and read them.

Side A: For When You're Missing Me

Thank God For Girls by Weezer

I Miss You by Blink182

505 by Arctic Monkeys

I Want To Hold Your Hand by the Beatles

Superman Sunshine by Donavon

Knowing You by Dakota Ridgewood

She's A Genius by Jet

Side B: For When We Aren't Together [short term, of course]

I Want to Get Better by Bleachers

It's Too Late To Turn Back by Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

What We Had by the Drums

My Doll by Dakota

Too Late to Say Goodbye by Cage the Elephant

I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You by Black Kids

If I Ever Fall In Love by Shai

Side A: For When I'm Confusing:

Hard to Love by the Drums

Friday I'm in Love by the Cure

Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel

I Don't Know How To Love by the Drums

When You Sleep by My Bloody Valentine

Enough by Dakota Ridgewood

Island of the Misfit Boy by Front Porch Step

Side B: For When You're On Your Period & You Want to Kill Me

Janie's Got A Gun by Aerosmith

Bloodstream by Ed Sheeran

Bloodstream by Stateless

Flow by Cage the Elephant

And It Hurts by Junica

Side A: For When I've Messed Up [ hopefully not a bad mess-up]

All Apologies by Nirvana

How Soon Is Now? By the Smiths

Gone by JR JR

Sweetie Little Jean by Cage the Elephant

She Loves You by the Beatles

How It Ended by the Drums

Message from me

Side B: For When You Forget How Much I Love You

R U Mine? By Arctic Monkeys

Baby, I'm Yours by Arctic Monkeys

Money by the Drums

Flawless by the Neighbourhood

Afraid by the Neighbourhood

You're Mirror by the Velvet Undergrounds

Rollercoaster by Bleachers

If I Tremble by Front Porch Step

Aware by Front Porch Step

. . . .

Song for the chapter: Rollercoaster by the Bleachers

Lyrics: ❝You are such a roller coaster. And a killer queen you are.❞

[text_hash] => df7495ae
)