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Picture of Asher

*Nolan*

Kalani came over later on that day. I had a feeling that she had come to talk to me, because I'd caught her staring at me a few times.

I was keeping myself busy by cooking while she sat in the living room with Justin and Mom. They were talking about the wedding in January and their baby. I still couldn't believe that I'd be an uncle in seven months.

Kalani excused herself and approached the kitchen where I was and walked into the doorway.

"Hey, cupcake!" she greeted me cheerfully.

"Hi, Kalani."

She pouted. "Where's that smile I always see?"

I shook my head. "I have no reason to smile today, sorry."

"It wasn't your fault, you know. The thing with Maya. If anything, Asher was mad at me, not you."

"He seemed pretty pissed at me, too. I mean... I know it wasn't my place to get into his business, and I'm really sorry about that. But, he can't expect me to defend him when, one, he won't tell me what happened, and two, if he's in the wrong."

"But you like him."

"Kalani, I have never and will never defend what's not right and true. Even if that person is very close to me."

"You can't defend Maya either. You don't know her; that's just the truth. Look, you have to wait for Asher to be ready to tell you. You don't know if it's hard for him. Give him time."

"I'd give him all the time he needed or wanted, that's not the issue."

"Then what is?"

I sighed and turned off the stove. "We're not made for each other, I guess. I honestly think that life would be much better if he focused on his job and Zion. Then maybe he could find a nice young lady to settle down with one day and have a family with her. That way, Zion won't feel left out and Asher will be happy. That's all. I can't give him that."

"He doesn't want just anyone, Nolan. He wants you. I can see it."

"I, um... I want him, too."

"Great! That's great, so you'll talk to him, right? And Zion's birthday is in two days. Ash would appreciate your help throwing a party for him."

I looked at her. "Tell him to invite Zion's classmates and friends at daycare."

"What about setting up?"

"I can bake a cake, but I'm not gonna go over his house to..." I sighed. "I was hoping you'd

understand. I guess no one does." I sat down on a stool. "It wasn't my intention to fall in-like with Asher, but he wanted a chance so I gave him one. He's... stolen my heart. He isn't bothered by the fact that I'm so young, but to be honest, I am. I keep on telling myself it's fine and that he doesn't mind, but... I feel intimidated almost, you know? I'm sorry if you don't get it; I can't

explain it any better." I then nodded over to the stove. "Want something to eat?"

She managed a smile. "I'm on a little diet. For my baby. I assume Justin's told you?"

"I overheard, actually. Congratulations, though. I, for one, am ridiculously excited."

She giggled. "I know you love children. That's always an admirable quality in a man."

I wanted to grin but I felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness. I looked away and my mind

wandered to Asher, and what he could be doing at this moment. Was he thinking about me, too?

*

(Nov 2)

I was sitting out on the grass that Monday morning before school. I was leaning against a tree, reading The Giver. I wanted to use anything that would take my mind off of Asher, and it was working fine until I saw his name in the very first chapter.

I stared at the name on the page and I couldn't help but think about him again. I slapped my book shut and put my head against the tree, looking up at the sky. Lord help me.

"Sup, bubble butt."

I didn't need to see who it was. No other boy would ever call me that, and no other boy would get away with calling me that anyway. I welcomed Tyler to sit next to me because he did give some excellent advice.

"Hey, Ty."

"Nolan, my blue-eyed angel. What are you doing?" he shook his head in disbelief. "I told you. Shane is not worth it."

I felt the heat rush to my face at his name. Why the hell did he still have that effect on me?

"Trust me, it's not Shane."

"Oh. Okay, then would it be your sexy model boyfriend?" He smirked. "Do tell. It's not everyday I get to talk about fine guys like him."

"We're not exactly dating. Actually, we're not anything anymore."

Tyler gasped. "Oh my god, Asher broke up with you?"

"It's more complicated than that, Tyler. I'm the one who decided to let him go, for good."

"Why? Are you crazy? You must be!"

"It's only right."

"In who's world? What happened, Nolan?"

I traced the book's cover with my finger. "I found out something about his personal life from someone he didn't like and he wasn't so ecstatic about it. So, during that Halloween party, we argued. I yelled at him, Ty. I told him that we haven't gotten anywhere in whatever relationship

we have. We haven't seen each other since then."

"Do you miss him?"

"Of course I do, but I'm not gonna date a man especially not when we're stuck in the same place we were when we met."

"Okay, back up. From what I know about you, Nolan, and your past, I'm gonna take an educated guess and say... you're desperate."

I knitted my eyebrows together and looked at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know what it is, but there's a reason why you're so eager to find love. Sometimes even in the wrong places. Look, I'm only saying this because I'm like you. If a guy looked my way for more than two seconds when I was younger, I'd have fallen for him. Can you tell me why you fell for Shane?"

I shrugged. "I just did."

"But why?"

I looked ahead to consider it. "I guess it was... he cared about me. He always complimented me and said I was a good person. He trusted me. But that's not being desperate, Ty. I still don't

understand." I was genuinely confused.

"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just being an honest friend. All I'm saying is that it's been about two months since you met Asher. Of course it's gonna feel like you're still stuck in one place, and I'm very glad you feel that way. That is how you know he loves you." Tyler smirked. "Trust me, I'm a love expert. I think you want more. Of him, of course. You wanna know everything about him; drown yourself in him, even. See, that is rushing into it."

I nodded slowly. "Uh huh... but I don't even know his favorite color!"

"He doesn't have to tell you. In fact, I'm sure he's told you many times. Even I know what it is."

I rolled my eyes. "What is it then?"

"Blue. Bright, vibrant sky blue."

I immediately thought about the countless times Asher commented on my blue eyes. With that

realization, I looked down at my book.

"So I'm right," Tyler said triumphantly. "You really wanna be loved. You already are. And you

can feel like you guys are still in the same place as when you met, but in reality, you've come a long way. Admit it. You don't love Shane anymore. At least not as much as you did when Asher came around. If that's true, then you're not stuck in one place at all."

He was right. Of course he was.

Tyler sighed. "I feel like our roles have switched. A year ago, these would be your wise words, not mine."

I chuckled. "I know, I haven't been myself for a long time, huh?" I thought about something. "Do

you... do you think my mom would kill me if I skipped school for a little bit?"

"Nolan skipping school?" Tyler gaped at me. "That's an incoherent sentence."

I lightly punched his arm. "I'm serious, Ty."

"Well, you've done it before but I don't think you should now. If this is about Asher, don't go."

I smiled. "It's not like I can, anyway. Justin brought me to school. But thanks."

"Any time, bubble butt."

I shoved my book into my book bag. "But I'm not desperate." I shook a finger at him.

He chuckled then stopped abruptly. "Oh, god. Shane alert."

"How subtle," I commented, looking ahead to see Shane coming towards us.

I shouldn't have even looked; I was about ready to melt where I was. "Shane. Hi."

"Hey." He smiled weakly and I noticed a hint of sadness in his eyes. "I don't mean to bug you,

but-"

"Not at all, tell me. What's wrong?"

He glanced over at Tyler who threw up his hands, stood up, and left to give us some privacy.

"I was at Jace's house yesterday and he seemed pretty out of it. His dad's in a rather serious relationship with the woman he's been seeing since forever."

"Oh, Joanna." I nodded. "Well, that's great, why are you sad?"

"We argued over it. He was mad that I didn't agree with his view on it."

"I know the feeling." I sighed.

"Did you and Asher fight, too?"

"Yeah, at the Halloween party. Um, is there something I can do to help? Should I talk to him?"

He shrugged helplessly. "He's very frustrated."

"Just give him a day or two. Knowing Jace, he'll get over it."

He nodded. "Okay. Yeah, he just needs some space... I guess. Thanks. What about you, can I

help in some way?"

"Actually, I'll handle it. But thank you. We'll let each other know, alright?"

"Right." He sighed and sat down next to me. "So what was Tyler doing?"

"Giving me advice," I responded. "He's like some love expert."

That made Shane laugh and shake his head. "Whatever helps him sleep at night. Hey, um, are you going to Homecoming this year?"

I thought about it. Homecoming. After Dawn's death Homecoming night of freshman year, I stopped going to dances and parties. Now that I had moved on, I felt that going to the dance would really get me past that night.

"I'd like to. I don't know who I can go with though."

"Well, Elaine doesn't have a date. And if she finds someone else, you've got Asher." Shane shrugged.

I smirked. "I wonder if Elly and I can go together. I probably owe her that since I didn't take her last year."

"So you'll take her? It's next week, you know, and she's been shopping for a decent dress."

I rolled my eyes. "It's Homecoming. Prom is when you have the excuse to shop."

"I told her that, and she poured coffee on me. Lesson learned: never tell a girl not to shop for the perfect dress."

"Or else you'll have a face full of scalding coffee," I concluded, smiling at him. He smiled back

and sighed.

"I didn't thank you for that party you threw."

"Hm?"

"The Halloween party. I'm glad you decided to throw it. Apparently, it did some good because people are starting to go back there. After Jace and I argued, I drove to Pine Creek Lake to calm down and have some quiet when I saw quite a few people there. There wasn't too many, but it's a start. Usually, no one is ever there." He nodded. "That meant a lot to me, and you did the right thing. Thank you."

I blushed lightly. "It's nothing, really. I knew how much that place meant to you and many others."

"You're a really good person." He hugged me and I immediately hugged back, my nose to his neck. I knew this wasn't such a great idea because I could feel my heart speeding up as it always did at times like these. I didn't want to push him away.

But I had to. For my sake.

I let him go and let out a subtle breath to soothe my sudden nerves. "I think I'll head to class."

"Okay. I'll see you later."

I stood up with my book bag and walked away.

*

I wasn't expecting Asher to pick me up at the end of the day. I had this plausible idea that Justin put him up to this, knowing I didn't drive myself to school this morning. I heaved a sigh, not wanting to be a jerk, and walked to his car. If I were mean, I would've dissed him and got a ride with a friend but I wasn't mean, so, I had no choice but to accept a ride and hear him out.

I opened the door to the passenger seat and hurriedly entered the car.

He stared at me, not even saying 'hi' or 'I change my mind, get the hell out of my car'. He wouldn't utter a word.

"I missed you," he told me.

Nevermind then.

"Did Justin ask you to pick me up?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Not exactly. He and I met up to talk about the house and I offered to come get you."

"How's Zion?" I needed to know that at least.

"He's at daycare still. I wanna pick him up, if you'd like to... come with."

I nodded. "Of course."

Asher bit his lip. "Nolan, I'm sorry."

"No, Asher, you have nothing to apologize for. You weren't in the wrong."

"I raised my voice at you," he persisted.

"So did I."

"I made you cry and I made you upset. I hate seeing you cry, Nolan, and I'm sorry. I was wrong for that. I just want you back; that's all."

"I can't, you know that."

"Why not? I mean... we were doing so well; we were perfect."

"We weren't perfect, Asher. There are so many things wrong with us."

"Not to me. If we weren't perfect, at least I felt like we were. I don't think anyone else can make me feel this way. I know that... I know you love Shane, but you've made some room for me, haven't you?"

"Yes, I have."

"So that's all that matters. I like that our relationship looks screwed up. As long as it's... us." He held my hand with his warm ones. "Don't you agree?"

"I... yeah..."

"You don't," he observed, pulling his hand away in disappointment.

"I'm sorry."

"Can you tell me how you feel about us then? I've been under the impression you felt the same way, but clearly I'm wrong."

"No, Asher - it's not like that. I just... I wanted to give you space because you have work and a

child to care for, and yourself, of course. I don't wanna get in your way."

"You're not in my way. I have really strong feelings for you and I'll make time for you however I can. I don't care what it takes."

I gazed out of the window. I didn't get it.

Asher was a beautiful, nice, and strong gentleman. He was an adult. So why on earth would he like me? Why not find love with a beautiful and caring woman, around his age, who can help him take care of Zion, and eventually mother his kids if he wanted more? What could I possibly give him that could top that? I knew I used to faint at the thought of my love for someone being reciprocated, but nothing about me stood out. I wasn't anything or anyone, and that was why Ash and I couldn't be together.

I sucked in a shaky breath, willing myself not to cry like a baby as Asher started to drive.

"I heard about your panic attack yesterday morning. Justin said it was real serious. I had a panic

attack when I was much younger, and though it was mild, it was pretty scary. I can't imagine what you went through and I'm so sorry."

I nodded, shrugging like it wasn't a big deal. I'd never get fully used to my panic attacks because each time, I felt like I was near death. The one I had yesterday almost landed me in the hospital but Justin had me calmed down and asleep in no time. "It happens," I responded, facing front and grasping the seat belt. "Um, I was thinking about making a cake for Zion. I'll bake it at my house and bring it over, if that's okay with you?"

'Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've sent out invitations and some of our neighbors' kids will be there. I'm just glad it's gonna be an actual party this year."

I smiled at the thought. "We can think of some fun games."

"Or we can google it."

"That too," I agreed.

"I wanted to ask... that dog..."

"Oh, that was Rocky. You mean at the party, right? Anderson decided to give him to me for some reason. Not that I minded; he just felt like he needed a better home."

"That's... shady."

I couldn't help but smirk. "No, it's not shady. He was able to let go because he had his dog's best interest at heart. That's called love."

"Okay, so you let go of those you love, is what you're saying?"

"Yeah."

He smiled, not looking at me. "Okay, well, you let me go. Does that mean..."

"It means I have your best interest at heart," I evaded his hint. I knew what he was trying to get at.

"Mm... my best interest is to be with you."

"Just... drive to your son's daycare."

He sighed and drove steadily, turning left on the road. "My favorite color's blue," he told me. "Not just any blue, it's a certain kind."

I blushed, remembering what Tyler had said. "Is it... bright?" I asked.

"Very."

My heart sped up little by little and I could definitely feel the heat rushing to my face. I continued

to stare out the window.

"Mine is um... hard to explain."

"Tell me." I heard the laugh in his voice.

"Well," I began to describe his eyes. "It's brownish with green spots."

"That wasn't so hard to explain," he chuckled.

"No, but the best part is that when it touches the sunlight, it glistens. It turns... gold almost."

"Really? Where can I find this rare color?"

I looked at him, but he was staring ahead at the road. "Like you said, it's quite rare."

He laughed and I smiled happily. It was unusual, honestly. I felt genuinely happy and warm in that moment and there was no better feeling.

"My middle name is very girly," Asher confessed. "Not something I'd tell people. It's Hadli."

"Hadli? What does that even mean?"

"Hell if I know; ask my mom." I rolled my eyes. "Like do they actually think this shit through?"

I laughed. "I like it."

"Shush," he shot, making me laugh more. "I mean, seriously," he continued to complain. "Asher

Hadli McCulloch. Without knowing me, you'd think I'm some 1970's actress. It's not even spelled in a boyish way, with the e-y at the end. Nope, just 'i'."

I held back the rest of my laughter, trying not to embarrass him or myself. "Mine is Kai," I told him.

"That's actually very nice. I like it," he complimented, making me blush once again. "If I have another child, I'll name him or her Kai."

"Please don't." I hid a laugh.

"Why not?"

"That's like getting a tattoo of your significant other's name. We might not be together for a long time and I don't want you to have to hear that name for the rest of your life."

Asher shook his head. "Something tells me we'll be together for a really long time, Nolan."

*******

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