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Carson rubbed sleep from his eyes as he stumbled his way out to the kitchen. From the second he had opened his eyes and noticed Josiah wasn’t laying next to him in bed any longer, he knew that the glorious smell of bacon and waffles that was wafting into the bedroom was due to the older boy cooking them breakfast.

The brunet turned the corner and stood back against the wall for a few moments. He wanted to admire the shirtless boy before him as he turned over slices of bacon. Carson watched as Josiah’s tight back muscles stretched and flexed under his smooth, light-brown skin. Once again--for the thousandth time since Carson had first seen him all those years ago--he was struck with a strong sense of awe at Josiah’s beauty and flawlessness.

As Carson’s thoughts flashed back to the day before--their first night of actually succumbing to their innermost desire to be together--he got wrapped up in a daydream of it all. He could hardly believe that he and Josiah were finally going to try and make it work between them. Yeah, it was awful for what they were doing to Ayden, but they were human. And they were men. Being awful sort of seemed like a given in this situation.

The two of them had barely made it into the apartment the previous day before they had their hands and lips on each other. Carson swore he could still feel the tingling of his lips from how much Josiah had kissed him. He could remember perfectly the anxious smile on the darker boy’s plump lips when he had closed the door behind them and gently pressed Carson against it. Carson had barely had enough time to smile back in encouragement before Josiah’s hands were on his waist and his cheek.

Not long after, lips had met lips and they had hardly been apart for the rest of the evening. Only when the boys had somehow managed to fall asleep at an amazingly early time of nine pm had they finally stopped with the kissing.

“I think I might pass out,” Josiah had whispered, breaking his mouth away from Carson’s as they laid in his bed. “All this making out for the last few hours is a lot more exhausting than I’d thought it would be.”

Carson had laughed, with an affectionate twinkle in his indigo-coloured eyes as he had gazed at the older guy. “I’m just that good at it, huh?”

Josiah had smirked at the comment, but underneath it, he had felt like a giant ball of nerves. Never had he been with someone who had made him feel like a shy fourteen year old boy all over again. Of course Josiah knew how to kiss--he had been kissing girls since he was twelve. But he had never kissed a guy before Carson. And thinking about all the things besides kissing that he was expected to do with the beautiful brunet in his arms had made him nervous.

Carson had sensed the older boy’s hesitation to do more than PG-rated hand-roaming and heavy kissing, which he easily honoured. Josiah had almost never been more relieved in his life. He had only been thankful that Carson didn’t try to push him or even ask him about it. The dark-haired boy had thought for sure that if his best friend had said words like “blow jobs” or “anal” he would have had a nervous breakdown on the spot.

In all of his honesty, Carson hadn’t wanted to do more than what they had either. He had felt like it was too soon. He understood where Josiah’s reluctance was coming from, and he had almost felt the same kind of hesitation. Even he wasn’t completely ready to give himself up to another guy like that. Not when the last time had been so unwanted and traumatizing.

Back in the kitchen, when Josiah turned around, he saw the distant look on Carson’s face. The older boy noticed the way his best friend was staring at the space he had just been in, not blinking at all. The brunet was clearly lost in deep thought.

With a little smile on his face, Josiah went up to the younger man and wrapped his arms around his waist. This seemed to pull Carson out of his daydream, and he almost jumped as Josiah’s lightly muscled arms settled around him.

Josiah pulled his friend close, hugging him tight to his body. Then he softly said, “What are you thinking about?”

Carson took in a deep breath, feeling happiness swell inside his chest. He lifted his own arms to circle around Josiah’s neck and buried his face into the crook of it. He kissed at the skin lightly twice before mumbling against it.

“Just you. And how happy I finally am. I really love you, Joe.”

If he was at all concerned with keeping his manly reputation up before this, Josiah completely disregarded it now. He didn’t care if everybody in the world and their mother saw him right then, he wasn’t going to bother hiding the obvious tears that were welling up in his eyes. He was overwhelmed with his feelings that seemed to sneak up and hit him full force all at once now that he had Carson in his arms again.

“I love you too, Car,” he whispered earnestly, smiling as he closed his eyes, hugging the twenty year old as close as he could without suffocating him. He sighed happily. “I love you too.”

*

It had been exactly one month since the boys decided they were going to try and be more than just friends. The weekend following their final exams, Carson and Ayden were supposed to be completely moved out of their dorm room. Walt and Keri had met the boys outside of the building so that they could retrieve their daughter’s things.

It had been a long afternoon of packing things up and moving the boxes out to their respective cars. The guilt of their secret relationship was weighing heavily over the boys the entire time they were in the company of Ayden’s parents.

Josiah and Carson both took extra care to make sure that they weren’t touchy with each other at all. If they had to pick who would find out about them being together, Walt and Keri would have been at the bottom of the list--right above Ayden.

Obviously the boys knew that if they wanted to stay together in the long run--and as far as they were concerned, they did--then they would eventually have to tell people. But for the time being, they just weren’t ready for that yet. They wanted to get their bearings straight and to figure out what they wanted out of each other in terms of being in a relationship first. Because they knew that if they didn’t have it all settled, the minute people started to find out, there would be all kinds of hell to pay and questions to answer that would put a hefty strain on them.

Over the course of the last month, the boys spent almost every waking moment together, and they slept in the same bed together every night. Since Carson had to be moved out of his dorm at the end of the semester, he had just moved in completely with Josiah.

As the month of May stretched on, Josiah felt like he had never been more in love with a person than he was with Carson. It didn’t take a genius to know that neither of them were perfect, and neither was their relationship, but it was what it was. Even if Carson didn’t want to admit it yet, the two of them were so invested in each other, they didn’t know how to handle it.

Sometimes the guilt got the best of them and they would find themselves in heated arguments. It was mostly the stress that got the better if them. They were anxious and paranoid. They felt the pressures of knowing that what they were doing was wrong, and it made them reconsider whether they should be dating even if nobody knew to scold them.

Each time they fought, though, it didn't take more than an hour before they were right back in each other's arms, murmuring apologies and forgiveness. No matter how they looked at it, they both knew they wanted to be together. They didn’t want to let the other go, and even though they fought from time to time, they didn’t actually want to split up.

Another thing Josiah and Carson found difficult was seeing Ayden. It got to the point where it was almost painful to sit in the room with her laying there, completely still, while they both knew what they were doing outside of those four walls. It was because of this that over the four weeks since Carson’s first therapy session with Katherine Barth, the boys had only gone to visit Ayden a whopping three times.

While Josiah was avoiding having to shove his guilt right in his face by seeing his kind-of-current girlfriend with his totally-current boyfriend at his side, Carson and Josiah were both avoiding all of their parents. Carson hadn’t told his mom or dad a thing about what he and Josiah were doing, and the older boy tried to evade any questions Lanai threw his way about his feelings towards Carson.

Josiah hated lying to his mother, so he figured just not telling all of the details was a better way to go about it. Much to his surprise and relief, Lanai didn’t ask about their situation very often. And when she did ask, if Josiah brushed her off with non-descriptive answers, she didn’t push the subject any farther.

In fact, the only person who was even properly informed on Carson and Josiah’s relationship status--besides them--was Katherine Barth. Carson had gone back to see her twice since their first meeting, and for some reason he always felt the need to talk about Josiah. The brunet wasn’t quite sure why that was, but he assumed it had to do with the fact that she didn’t actually know them.

It also helped that she was as kind and understanding as Carson could have ever hoped for in a therapist. She listened to whatever kind of problems Carson had or wanted to discuss, and her advice on how to deal with them was some of the best he had ever heard.

The reason Carson and Josiah were even going out for their one month anniversary was because it had been the portly woman’s suggestion. Two days previously, Carson had been extremely tense as he sat on the couch in her office, spilling his guts out about how upset he was by his constant fighting with Josiah.

Katherine had listened to him talk and only interjected where she thought was necessary. And what she said about thinking that the boys needed to do something to remind themselves that they were happy together actually made a lot of sense to Carson--that was why they were getting ready to go out on a real date. And it was all thanks to Katherine that brunet had garnered up the courage to ask Josiah out in the hopes that they would have an argument-free night for once.

Needless to say, Carson had been pleased that the sage-eyed boy had agreed to go. Just as well, saying that Josiah had been ecstatic when the brunet had uttered the question in the first place was the understatement of the year. Josiah was nearly over the moon, and even found himself slightly nervous with sweaty palms--much like a sixteen year old before having sex for the first time--as he searched his closet for something to wear to the movies.

A persistent knock on the dark-skinned boy’s locked bedroom door startled the young man. He jumped slightly, muttered a curse word under his breath, and called out, “What?”

Hearing the irritated strain in the older boy’s voice, the brunet chuckled to himself from out in the hallway. He loved the way his boyfriend-of-sorts got all flustered...all because of Carson. And, boy, did he love being able to think things like that and know that they were the truth; that this was all real and actually happening.

“Are you okay in there, Joe? You’ve been getting dressed for like fifteen minutes now.”

Picking up one of his more favoured shirts that he spotted on the floor, Josiah sniffed it to see if it was clean. It wasn’t; he wrinkled his nose and tossed it aside again as he said, “That’s an over exaggeration, just so you know. It’s been like six.”

The noirette furrowed his brows as he started flipping back hangers in his closet. He couldn’t believe he was having such a hard time trying to find something to wear. It wasn’t even like he wanted to look perfect or anything, he just wanted to look nice enough so that he didn’t end up embarrassing Carson.

Carson rolled his eyes from the other side of the door when he heard Josiah’s sarcastic reply. “Whatever. What’s taking so long anyway? You're perfect, man. I’m nowhere near as good looking as you are and I didn’t take this long.”

Josiah frowned instantly. He promptly forgot his current task, and that he was still only in his underwear, and stalked to his bedroom door. He quickly flipped the lock and flung the door open. With a stern expression on his face and an honest one in his eyes, he said, “Don’t say stuff like that.”

Not having expected the taller boy to be standing in front of him all of the sudden like that, Carson stepped back in surprise. He blinked, missed each word Josiah had said, and asked, “What?”

“You’re perfect, Carson,” the black-haired boy said, grabbing for his boyfriend’s hands. “I love everything about you, except when you do that.”

Carson hoped he looked as bemused as he felt. Because he had no idea what the other boy was talking about. He raised a single brow in question. “Uh...?”

Still completely serious, Josiah softened his tone and, staring into the younger boy’s indigo orbs, he said, “Please don’t compare us like that. We’re two different people. We’re attracted to each other for a reason--you may think I look good, but I think the same way about you. You don't have to bring yourself down to bring me up. You and I are equals, Car. We can’t work if we forget that.”

Stunned into silence, all the brunet could do was nod dumbly. This seemed to be enough for Josiah, because he pulled his boyfriend into a tight embrace with a sweet smile on his face. The hug lasted no longer than five seconds before the older boy pulled away, shoved Carson back playfully, and slammed the door again in search of clothes.

When the twenty year old’s mind registered what just happened, he groaned. Upon hearing the noise of frustration, Josiah only laughed good-naturedly and started to pull on his best-fitting pair of black jeans.

*

It was only after ten at night when Josiah and Carson passed through their apartment’s front door. Their casual date to the movies was exactly what they had needed. Even sitting on the trunk of Josiah’s car in the nearly empty parking lot of a fast food place, eating burgers and fries was more than enough.

They were both beginning to realize that when it came to the two of them as a single unit, minimalism was all they needed. They didn’t need anything extravagant to make their relationship work. They were perfectly content just sitting next to each other in silence, watching the night sky’s clouds roll over them slowly.

That little revelation was what convinced Josiah that Carson really was the person he was meant to be with. Because even though he loved Ayden and they had been so comfortable with each other, he had never experienced that level of peacefulness with the beautiful blonde. It was slightly mind-blowing him to think about--because before Ayden had been pulled just out of his reach, Josiah had been easily pacified with the thought of settling for a nice and quiet life with the girl.

And why not? He loved her and she loved him. Before the guy knew there was something more satisfying right in front of his face, he had let himself stay inside his bubble of bliss, not really bothering to give up all that he had built with Ayden just to go floundering through the dark for the unattainable.

Josiah had all of these thoughts whirring through his head, distracting him from the present as Carson placed a hand on his chest and pushed him down onto the living room couch. Without knowing how they ended up there or when he had checked out in his mind, the brunet’s whispering lips at his ear were what pulled the older boy out of his reverie.

“What are you thinking about so hard?”

A shiver ran up Josiah’s spine as the breath fanned out over his flesh. He blinked those sage eyes open and closed a few times, letting his surroundings sink in. That was when he realized they were on the couch and that Carson was sitting on his lap, straddling him as his knees rested on each side of Josiah’s hips.

A moment of weakness fell over the darker boy as his thoughts fought to catch up with his mouth. He let the words out as he set his hands on Carson’s waist. He realized that right then probably wasn’t the most opportune time to say what he had, but something inside of Josiah told him that he didn’t regret it.

“Ayd and I were gonna get married and have children; two girls and a boy. The boy would be the oldest so he could look out for his sisters.”

Carson’s entire body froze. It took him an eternity to lean away from his boyfriend’s ear just to get a good look at him. When he did, he couldn’t get over how heartbreaking Josiah’s expression of pure internal pain that was lacing his features was.

“What?” he asked quietly.

There was a slight hint of disbelief in the brief question that he hadn’t intended to go with it. Carson didn’t miss the glazed over look of a haunted memory that was obviously replaying itself inside the black-haired boy’s mind.

“We used to talk about it sometimes at night,” Josiah said quietly. He didn’t feel like himself as he spoke. He wanted to stop talking, but he couldn’t. “It would be late and we’d be too tired to function properly. It was all just fluffy pillow talk. She’d laugh and giggle and I’d tease her about cheesy future plans. We didn’t mean it seriously; we never did. But it was an option if we wanted it.”

Carson’s throat was so dry that he literally croaked when he tried to say, “Joe...”

“It’s gone now,” the older boy stated simply. He was staring off in the distance, eyes unseeing as they gazed right passed his boyfriend’s ear. “Even if I wanted to try, I wouldn’t be able to see a future like that with me and Ayd anymore.” Josiah blinked hard and shook his head out, wild curls bouncing around. He brought those sage-green eyes up to meet identical twins of indigo oceans. “Do you know why?”

Carson could only shake his head. His breathing was shallow as his heart was expanding to the point of near-explosion.

“Do you want to know why?” Josiah asked, voice becoming less distant and more vibrant once again.

The brunet dreaded the answer, he honestly did. Yet somehow he managed to say, “Why?”

Josiah’s full lips twisted upwards into a lazy smile. The corners of his eyes crinkled. His hands went up to capture Carson’s face so the younger boy couldn’t look away from his searing gaze. The words rolled off of his tongue and tumbled over his lips as if they were just dying to be heard by the brunet’s ears.

“Because all I can see is you.”

That was enough for Carson. In that moment, he was so far gone. It killed him to know that he was the bastard responsible for ripping his comatose best friend’s love away from her, but he guessed he was just selfish enough to get over it. With enough force to bust out of Josiah’s hands, he smashed his lips roughly onto the older boy’s.

Josiah groaned at the contact and it took no more than a handful of seconds before he was prying Carson’s mouth open with his tongue. The brunet instantly allowed him access and soon their tongues were clashing as they passed over places they had grown accustomed to over the last month.

The darker man’s hands grabbed onto the back of his boyfriend’s neck as he held him close. Their kissing was heated and surprisingly slow as the passion escalated between them. Carson pressed his body further into Josiah’s and allowed his fingers to sink into the older boy’s curls.

Overwhelmed with how right it felt to have Carson in his arms like that and touching his body, Josiah lost himself in the brunet’s scent. He found it slightly amazing that Carson managed to smell completely different than him despite the fact that they used the same exact hair products and shower gel. They even shared toothpaste, and yet the younger boy’s breath always managed to smell as wonderful as vanilla.

“I really do love you,” Carson whispered against the tender flesh of his boyfriend’s neck. “Completely; I’m in love with you so badly.”

A grin split across Josiah’s face as he leaned away to study the young man seated on his lap. “God, you’re amazing. I love you.”

Hardly a second later, their lips were right back where they had started--seeking any sign of uncovered skin to kiss, nip, and suck at. Their shirts were off in a matter of minutes, and Carson ground his bottom down onto the older boy’s crotch.

There was an intense pulse of pleasure that ran through Josiah’s groin, and he felt the familiar stirring in his jeans that gave away his state of arousal. He wanted to feel embarrassed, but he absolutely couldn’t; Carson pressed into him again and Josiah felt the unmistakable bulge in the brunet’s pants.

Josiah let a sigh slip past his lips and into their kiss as Carson ghosted his hands down the sides of his neck. The slim fingers pressed tight against the leanly muscled shoulders of the older boy, eliciting a slight, pleased groan from him. Carson smiled before his boyfriend pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth so he could worry at it for a while.

The pale boy dragged his hands down from Josiah’s shoulders so they could skim over his chest. Josiah only tightened his grip on Carson’s neck as he pulled his mouth away to suck in some much needed oxygen. The older boy had to bite his lip as the sensation of his boyfriend’s gentle, yet rough, hands touched every inch of his torso. If he hadn’t, the moan that was threatening to escape him would surely have been ear splittingly loud.

There seemed to be a more pressing urgency in Carson’s actions as his hands fumbled at the button and fly of his own jeans. Josiah sensed this, watching with wide eyes as his boyfriend successfully completed his task. Carson’s lips searched desperately to meet Josiah’s again as his hands started to work on undoing the other boy’s jeans.

Suddenly unsure about where this was headed, Josiah tensed up. He didn’t stop Carson, but he noted that he didn’t need to because only a few moments later, the brunet stilled his hands on his own. The twenty year old pulled away to scan his blue eyes over Josiah’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

Josiah swallowed, hating that he had to say this. Unable to speak any louder, his words came out hardly more than a raspy whisper. “I don’t think I can have sex with you.”

Carson blinked, feeling dumbfounded. After a few seconds he had himself composed again. “We don’t have to go all the way. I’ve just been dying to do more than kiss for weeks now.”

A strange anxiety made its way through Josiah’s body. Goosebumps broke out across his skin and he randomly felt cold. “Carson, I--” he broke off, his throat feeling dry. “I don’t know if I can do the other stuff either, though.”

Hurt flashed behind Carson’s eyes as he heard what his boyfriend was telling him. Was this Josiah’s way of randomly breaking up with him? If that were the case, he thought he might be sick. Then another thought hit him. Was Josiah trying to say that he didn’t want him because...maybe he was bothered by what Gabriel and Jeremiah had done to him?

Before then Carson had never really felt disgusting because of being raped. He knew that a lot of people did, but from the beginning, Carson hadn’t hated himself for it. He knew who was at fault and he had never been compelled to blame himself. But right then, he was starting question for the first time whether or not he should feel like that.

Carson had to shake his head. No, he thought forcefully, he loves me. He would never judge me for something like that. That was when the guilt hit him. He was upset with himself for even thinking so poorly of his best friend; his boyfriend.

“Why?” the brunet asked quietly, hoping that the hurt was disguised by his hushed tone.

Josiah never saw the troubled look on his boyfriend’s face. He had been too occupied with his own embarrassment to really notice much else. The truth was that he wasn’t ready for this kind of thing. He was so new to all of this--being interested in men and actually acting on it. He was slightly terrified to delve into such unknown territories.

“I’m scared,” he made himself whisper.

Carson’s face softened and he placed a careful hand on the older boy’s heated cheek. “Of what?”

“Everything. It just freaks me out, I guess. I mean, yeah, you definitely turn me on. We both know that, but thinking about doing more makes me extremely nervous. I just...I can’t do it yet. Any of it.”

Carson ignored the meager wave of disappointment that swept through him and he felt a strong amount of sympathy for the guy he loved. “It’s okay, Joe. You know I’ll wait for you.”

Josiah’s lips twitched up into a small, hesitant smile. “But what if I can never do it?”

“It’s just too new for you right now. We’ll give it time.”

“Carson...”

The brunet sighed. “I wouldn’t leave you just because you won’t put out. We aren’t high schoolers anymore. I love you. This is real. Sex isn’t as important to me as having you in my life is.”

It wasn’t as believable as he wanted it to be, but it still made Josiah feel a lot better about the whole situation. He smiled and leaned forward to press his lips softly against Carson’s.

“Thank you,” he said against the younger boy’s lips. He rested his forehead against the brunet’s and closed his eyes. He snaked his arms around Carson and simply hugged him, feeling content and happy once again as his previous anxieties faded away. “And I love you too.”

The boys were still hugging on the couch not even two minutes later when someone’s phone started ringing loudly.

“Well somebody sure knows how to ruin a moment,” Josiah grumbled playfully, not completely joking.

Carson chuckled and smiled. He leaned away from the hug and let Josiah fish his phone out of his front pocket. The brunet sat back on his boyfriend’s thighs, holding onto the darker boy’s naked waist. He frowned slightly when he saw Josiah furrow his brow at his caller I.D.

To say that the sage-eyed man was confused by Walt calling him at eleven o'clock on that Friday night, was hitting the nail on the head. Exchanging a bemused glance with Carson, Josiah answered the call, not sure what to expect.

“Hello?”

Walt didn’t skip a beat. He got straight to the point by saying in a rushed, breathless manner, “Ayden’s woken up.”

Josiah dropped the phone as his jaw fell completely open. Carson jumped and scrambled to grab the device before it got lost between the couch cushions.

“What’s going on?” the brunet asked.

He held the phone back out for Josiah to take. The twenty-one year old took it, but didn't press it back to his face. He was blinking repeatedly, trying to get his thoughts straight. Once Josiah was composed just enough to utter the same three words Walt had, Carson barely turned away from his boyfriend in enough time. A second later he was throwing up his dinner all over the floor next to the couch.

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